After a particularly bad dream, Heechul awoke in a panic, reaching out for Leeteuk’s side of the bed. It was cold and empty and Heechul pulled Leeteuk’s pillow into his arms squeezing it against his chest. “I miss you so much,” he whispered, following it up with a soft whimper. “Come home.”

Reaching for his phone, Heechul blinked the sleep from his eyes as he cuddled Leeteuk’s pillow, texting him. Baby. I’m sorry. A few minutes later, instead of a text vibration, Heechul got a phone call. He answered and immediately started crying. “Jungsu. I’m sorry. I’m mad, but I’m not mad enough that I don’t want you to come home. Please come home.”

“Heechul,” Leeteuk said softly. “I’m sorry first. I know I haven’t been the best with remembering phone calls and texts. I underestimated how busy I’d be. And honestly, I started to think you didn’t care if I called when you stopped texting.”

Heechul took a breath, smiling. “I thought I was the one who assumed the worst too much. You can’t do it too.”

Leeteuk smiled, Heechul could hear it in his voice. “I thought maybe you were having fun with your new boyfriend and you wouldn’t want to hear anything from me.”

“I only have one boyfriend. And he’s way too far away right now.”

“When I get home, I’m not letting go of you. And I’ll sing you all of these songs I’ve been working on, instead of sending you demo tapes. You’ll hear the real thing.”

“Promise?” Heechul smiled, wiping his eyes only to start crying again. “I miss your voice. I miss talking to you.”

“Don’t cry, Chullie.” Leeteuk’s voice tensed as he held on to his own tears. “I’m right here. You know I’d be squeezing you too tightly.”

“And I’d be loving every minute of it.” Heechul sniffled. “I miss feeling in love. I feel like, when life should have been put on pause, I was instead and everything’s been going on around me, without me.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I should have brought you with me.” Leeteuk said softly.

“No. It would have made the trip about us instead of about work. It would have been more stressful for you. Things happened as they have for a reason. I’m not worried about being there with you. I just miss you.” Leeteuk was silent and Heechul continued. “I miss standing beside you, brushing our teeth before bedtime. I miss pulling my fingers through your hair and wondering how well you can see me in the dark as we lay face to face.” Heechul smiled. “I miss curling closer to you when I wake up from a bad dream and knowing that even though you’re half asleep, you’ll squeeze me closer.”

“Are you having bad dreams because of Key’s problem?”

“Yes,” Heechul sighed. “I don’t see his face anymore when I dream. I just feel the fear and stress he caused me whenever he was close. How did I ever put up with that Teukie?”

“I don’t know, Heechul. You stopped being able to love yourself, I guess. You focused so hard on making someone else happy, you didn’t remember to take care of yourself.”

“I hated myself so much,” Heechul admitted. “I hated going back to him too. But I did it, every time he hurt me, I’d just bury the feelings and focus on the good things. They were so few and far between. But one good feeling he gave me was enough to forget the overwhelming sadness I had around him.”

“Heechul, it’s okay, you know?” Leeteuk said softly. “It’s okay that you hated yourself and it’s okay to still hate that. But you have to forgive yourself, okay? It was a life lesson, and you learned it. Don’t beat yourself up over something that’s already happened. You can’t change the past, you can only protect your future.”

“I- I’ll try,” Heechul said softly, smiling. “This is why I want you home. So we can talk at night again.”

Leeteuk chuckled. “Trying though, Heechul. I don’t like the sound of that. Forgive yourself right now. Say it. ‘I forgive you, Heechul.’”

Heechul smiled, sniffling. “For hating yourself and ignoring your instincts, I forgive you, Heechul.”

“There you go,” Leeteuk smiled. “And remember to breathe.”

Taking a deep, shaky breath, Heechul smiled. “You need one too Leeteuk. Forgive yourself for how long it took you to start your songwriting career.”

Leeteuk chuckled. “For denying myself too long, I forgive you, Jungsu.”

“What else are you holding on to, Teukie?”

“Oh,” Leeteuk smiled, thinking about it. “For believing I let my family down by choosing to date a man. I forgive you, Leeteuk.”

Heechul swallowed hard, not expecting that. “Anything else?”

“For taking way too long to admit my feelings and start a relationship with Heechullie, I forgive both of us,” Leeteuk laughed softly.

“Yah,” Heechul chuckled. “You dork.”

“No, I’m not. I’m just deeply in love is all.”

“And a dork.” Heechul smiled. “And I love you for it.”

“What else do you love me for?”

“For being able to cheer me up. For talking to me in the early hours of the morning even though your schedule’s probably busy. For accepting my anger and not letting it push us apart. For being adorable and cuddly, even when you’re a million miles away. For all the dirty thoughts and memories.”

“Yah!” Leeteuk laughed.

Heechul chuckled. “But mostly, I love you for being you. Growing up together in love, but always keeping track of ourselves.”

“Yes,” Leeteuk smiled. “Being us, together. I love you, Heechul.”

“You too. Come home to me soon?”

“I will. It’s not too much longer at all now.”

“What are you doing for your birthday?” Heechul asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. Probably family dinner and spend time with them.”

“Can I call you that night and talk your ear off about nothing?”

“Only if you promise to sing ‘Happy Birthday.’”

Heechul laughed softly. “We’ll celebrate both our birthdays when we get you home.”

“Presents and cake and lots of ?”

“How did you guess?” Heechul grinned.

“I know you well,” Leeteuk smiled. “I’ll bring you something neat home for your birthday.”

“You could tie a ribbon around your and I’d be just fine.” Leeteuk laughed loudly and Heechul grinned at the sound.

“Yeah, I’m not doing that. I’ll get you something. I already have it in mind.”

“Okay,” Heechul conceded. “But don’t go spending way too much money on me. I’m happiest with simple and useful.”

“Point taken.” Leeteuk smiled, humming happily. “I love you. I’m really happy you didn’t get so pissed at me you wanted me out of your life.”

“No. I may get mad at you, but I want you in my life, I want you closer in my life. In fact I want to wrap you up in my life and take you to bed.” Heechul laughed softly. “I love you, a little anger won’t stop me from loving you.”

“Good to hear it, babe. Do me a favor? Don’t be a stranger. If I’m being too quiet, call me, I really have been busy. And I think to text you, but then I get called away again and again and I’ve hit the next day before I realize I didn’t reply to you.”

“Teukie, if you’re that busy, I won’t bother you. I’ll get back into the habit of texting you at least once a day. And if you don’t reply, that’s okay.”

“I’ll put sticky notes everywhere to remind me to text.”

Heechul laughed. “No, it’s really okay. If you forget, oh well, when you remember, text me. But don’t start thinking I don’t want to hear from you. That will never be true. I love your voice and I miss it, especially when you have y, groggy morning voice. I get shivers just thinking about it.”

Laughing, Leeteuk said,” I’ll have to remember to call you when I first wake up.”

“Oh, god yes, do, please?” Heechul half-teased. “I really will love you forever and ever if you do.”

“Now I know what to do for you, for your birthday.” Leeteuk chuckled.

“Yah,” Heechul pouted. “Don’t tease me. You’d better do it now.”

“I will, stop pouting.” Leeteuk grinned. “Heechul?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Heechul purred. “I love you too. I’ll let you go babe, so you can get back to what you need to do.”

“Do you have to?” Leeteuk whined, smiling.

“Yeah, I should try to sleep again.”

“I should shower and get out of here.”

“Take a long shower and think of me?”

“Every morning,” Leeteuk teased.

Heechul laughed. “You’re a ert. I love you.”

“I love you too, also a ert.”

Heechul was still grinning. “Bye babe. Have a good day.”

“Have good dreams Chullie. Sleep in the white blankets if your nightmares keep bothering you.”

“Okay. See you.”

“Bye.”

Heechul hung up and squeezed Leeteuk’s pillow to his chest again, falling asleep quickly with a little smile on his lips.