So Min

I awoke to a strange buzzing sound. My arms reached out immediately to shut what I thought was my alarm clock causing the racket. It then dawned on me that I was not at home and there was no alarm clock. My sleepy eyes tried to adjust to my surroundings as I attempted to recall where I was. I jumped when I found the source of the sound.

 The monitor that displayed Hyun Joong’s heartbeat had gone flat!

 “DOCTOR!” I shrieked at the top of my voice at the corridor for someone to come at once. Frantically, I reached for the button at the bedside to call for urgent medical attention.

 A few doctors and nurses rushed into the room. A nurse pulled me to the back of the room and held me still to allow the professionals to administer cardio pulmonary resuscitation on Hyun Joong. I stood helplessly aside as the doctors and nurses did their best to revive him. After a few chest compressions and mouth to mouth resuscitation, the line remained flat. One of the doctors shouted for the nurses to bring in a defibrillator.

I watched as a doctor placed the electrodes on Hyun Joong’s body. He voiced ‘Clear’ loudly and everyone stepped back.  

Hyun Joong’s body jerked upwards when electric current passed through him.

Flat line....

“CLEAR!”

The buzzing sound continued...

“CLEAR!”

I placed my hands together and prayed ardently.

The unwanted sound carried on and the line on the ECG remained unchanged.

 The doctor shook his head and put aside the electrodes. He shove up his sleeve to look at his watch. “Certified time of death: 3.43am, COD: cardiac failure.” I watched in disbelief as a nurse moved forward to cover Hyun Joong’s face with the white sheet.

I shook my head in disbelief as I repeatedly told myself ‘no, this is not happening’. Anger rose and boiled in my blood. They were wrong! This was a mistake! How could these professionals make such erroneous judgment!

I writhed myself free from the hands that had been holding me back and pushed away the doctors and nurses who surrounded his bedside. Like a lion protecting its young, I fiercely shielded his body with mine, forbidding anyone to touch or take him away.

 “Liars! Hyun Joong will not....!!”

 “Miss So Min, calm down. We know it’s hard for you to accept...” one of the doctors tried to reason.

 “You are wrong! YOU ARE ALL WRONG!! What doctors are you?! You are supposed to save him, not let him die! Get out! GET OUT!”  I did not remember what came over me. In my anguish to fend them off from snatching my Hyun Joong away, I hurled two chairs at them with superhuman strength that I never knew I possessed. Defeated, they scurried away quickly to the door which I locked immediately after the last one got out.

Slowly kneeling by his bedside, I clutched his hand in mine. Bitterness started to spread through and engulfed every muscle and limbs. For the first time in my life, I felt my heart plunged into a dark abyss as it tried frenetically to catch a footing but continued to fall into the bottomless pit.

My heart! It was wrenching so violently inside me, to the point that the pressure built inside was suffocating.

How could he do this to me?

How could he leave me when I most needed him?

I found my voice that I had lost. And I found the tears to echo the immense sorrow that overwhelmed my shattered heart.

 “Damn it! Wake up! How dare you break your promise to me?”

 “You pro..promised.. that you’ll be fine..!”

“I need you! I beg you, please don’t die on me!”

His face remained peaceful, as if he was in a deep slumber. He looked unperturbed by my desperate pleas.

The painful truth then dawned on me.

I had lost him.

I could cry a river deep enough to fill a desert. I could wallow in sorrow till my life was spent and wasted.

But I could never bring him back to life...

Gently, I took off the jade pendant that Mom had given me when I was a sickly child. Mom had said that this pendant would protect me from harm wherever I go. Now, I wore the pendant and the chain around Hyun Joong’s neck.

It would be a lonely and perilous journey for him in the nether world. I wished this jade would protect him, just like it had done for me all these years.

Bridging the gap between our faces, I bent down to press my lips on his, as tears continued to stream down and soaked his lifeless face.

I could never ever tell him that I love him.

Hyun Joong

A calming light appeared out of nowhere and beckoned me to approach its alluring warmth. I felt an overwhelming serenity. I was nearer and nearer to the light. And I was not walking.

I was floating..

I felt free, like a bird, soaring in the sky. For the first time in my life, I felt so light and worry free.

Was this how death should be like? If this was, I would willingly embrace it.

Suddenly, I felt my body being dragged back by a strong force into a whirlpool. I tried to resist the force with all that I possessed. Struggling with utmost effort, I wanted to claim the eternal peace that was so near and avoided being back into the pains of reality. 

And then I heard a voice calling my name from yonder. I paused to listen.

“I’ll be here when you wake up….”

Alas! Whose voice was it ringing from afar? It sounded like an angel, with a tinge of warmth but more irresistible than the beckoning light. Yet, there was sadness in the voice. I yearned to find this voice and infuse joy back into it just as it injected tenderness into my hollowness.

But the light, it was so inviting. I so desired for its warmth to shower me…

Where should I go?

…The light that basked my heart with unconditional joy, or the tender voice that caressed my empty soul?