I decided to go to Tahwan's chambers, to fulfill what Sabumnim wanted me to do. How can I tell Tahwan's that the Prime Minister is already dead? How will he deal with this one, now that his condition worsens every single day. When his doors were opened, I found him still lying on his bed, sleeping. Should I tell him the truth? I approached his bed and decided to wake him up.

Tahwan opened his eyes. It looked troubled for a second but when he saw my face, he looked happy, and comforted. I touched his face, while he touched mine and smiled. He tried to get up on his own but did not manage to do so, so I helped him.

"Nyangie ya," it has been a long time since he stopped calling me 'empress'. "What news about the rebels?"

I caressed his shoulders, to give him comfort. He liked it. I decided to lie. "Don't trouble yourself. Daesaengsang was victorious. He will return soon."

He wanted to say someing else but he started to cough. It was clear that he's in pain, but still never failed to make himself look alright in front of me, and Ayu. He held my hand while coughing, maybe he needed my support. I force my tears to not flow on my face while I witness this. He's in pain, he's hurt, he's sick, because of me and Ayu. He sacrificed his own life just so that Ayu can have a better future. But how can Ayu have a better future if right now we're preparing to leave the palace. What am I going to do?

After he stopped coughing he gave me a weak smile, "That's good... very good."

"Paeha," How can I say this? I try my hardest to hold back my tears. I hold his cheek. "Would you like to see the Northearn fields with me? Yuan is unsettled. I would love to go there with you."

As I said those words, Tahwan's face looked different. I never saw his face that feeble, that hopeless.. maybe because he thinks he won't be able to make it, or he thinks that we lost the battle... I don't know. Lord Buddha, please give him more time. Don't take him away from Ayu, from me.

He looked composed after a few seconds, then he smiled.

"Yes of course," he touched my face and looked straight into my eyes. "Anywhere as long as I'm with you."

"I already prepared everything."

Is this our last trip together then? I hope not. Tahwan.. he should live a long life with me. The life that he gave me and Ayu, I want to enjoy it with him.

"Nyangie ya," he voice sounded, still I loved it when he calls me like that. "My ears tickle.."

I smiled. This is like the good old days, "Rest your head."

He automatically rested his head on my lap. He wasn't heavy like before. Tahwan.. I cry as I clean his ear.

"I remember the first time I served you.. your ears tickled back then too. And I—"

He suddenly held my hand and squeezed it. I held his back and everything was silent. Then he calmly spoke:

"I love you... I love you Nyangie."

For many instances, he has openly professed his love for me, even now. We have encountered many problems, many fights, and still Tahwan was always there by my side, through good and bad, even if there came a time when I thought that he has gotten tired of me. He truly loves me. It just occurred to me that I wasn't that open to him. 

"And I love you too.." I've always wanted this to him. When we both knew that I was pregnant with Ayu, when he first carried him to my arms, when he told me that he loved me, many times over.

Tahwan smiled and nodded. He held my hand tighter.

"I truly—" I wasn't able to even finish what I wanna say, to tell him that I love him, as many times as he said those words to me, but suddenly his hand lost its grip and in the moment, I knew I will never be the same again. A while ago, there was a living Tahwan in my lap, my love, and now a lifeless Tahwan is before me, sleeping like a child. I couldn't stop sobbing. Why do everyone I care about always leave me? Maha, Wang Yu gong, Sabumnim, and now my Tahwan. Why did they all have to die?

"I truly love you.. Paeha... I... love you.. Ta...hwan." 

My tears kept on falling.

~~끝