Choi SooYoung’s perspective

“Just come to the bridge SooYoung.” I played his mechanic voice over and over again. Somehow it was not his tone, not his usual cheerful, full of life vocal at least. He e-mailed me this recorder minutes ago and I have been playing it ever since. It does not sound right somehow, almost weird for him to say such things in a meaningless tone. It sounded like he forced the words out from his lips. It was straightforward but too subtle to sound like an order and yet, when he said my name, there was a hint of trust. I then glanced at my digital clock; he should have arrived at the meeting place by now. Since I do not want to make him wait, I stood up and walked away from the desk. I better put a jacket; it has been freezing recently, reports say it was going to snow. However not only the weather made me shuddered, a bad feeling crept up when I locked the door. It was slithering cold, climbing on my spine; it made me trembled. I hope it does not involve anything to do with SungMin. The bridge, SungMin mentioned in the tape, was the road bridge just next to my apartment. There, it has a sidewalk where most teenagers would walk or ride their bicycles. In fact, it also has benches where people could sit and enjoy the view. Both SungMin and I usually spend time there enjoying the fresh breeze, the soft whooshing and the smell of the river. Listening to the fast flowing water beneath our feet always soothed our minds, despite the car traffic every afternoon. It was our favorite place to just talk. Talk endlessly, unaware to our surrounding as we laughed together. Enjoying each other’s existence.

“SungMin.” I whispered when I spotted him leaning over to watch the rushing fluid underneath him. I noticed his forehead had lines; he looked like he was thinking with his eyebrows so close to one another. I gulped and forced my legs to move on toward him. He looked up when I called his name once more. I smiled at him as a greeting but instead of smiling back, he just showed an emotionless face; it made me withdrew my own smile. Moreover I could not read anything from his expression. It was a perfect poker face. His eyes gave the impression of dead as well. The bad feeling grew stronger and it seemed to multiply rapidly.

“SooYoung, glad you came.” His voice was the same as the recorder earlier. It was flat, the same hollow pitch, almost like a robot uttering words it does not understand in a computerized tone. His appearance, I noted, were not the typical. His crimson highlighted hair was out of order; the same goes for his clothes. He looked like he did not change his clothes for days; they were wrinkled and dusted. The once black brown eyes looked dark and exhausted; he also looked like a panda with fading dark circles around his eyes. His lips were dry and paler than normal. His porcelain skin showed to be whiter than bones. In truth, he looked thinner than the last time I saw him. He looked so worn-out, I felt very unhappy somehow. Once he was sure he got my full attention, his dry mouth opened up but closed shortly afterward. The words he was going to speak hesitated to voice out. He seemed jumpy as well as if he was afraid. Finally he blurred the words out. “SooYoung, I’m moving.”

“Where?” I asked absentmindedly, shrugging. SungMin always move from one place to another all over Seoul, so this information was not new to me. However, I wondered why is he acting different. Usually he would tell me his next address and the two of us would just talk here, discussing about our life so far after days of separation. He never acted like this before. Ever since we graduated from Seoul University, SungMin traveled from one apartment to another. His parents do not mind at all with his abnormal decision to move out. Even though he lost loads of friends who thought he still lived in a certain area, but he never lose contact with me. He would always tell me where he is, like I was his mother somehow. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, he would call and tell me the news. I felt somewhat glad that I still be able to see him. That he still want me to be his friend. However, deep down, I felt this is going to be different, very different. SungMin shook his head then and walked circles around me while I watched him. He looked so nervous. This made me worried. “SungMin, what is wrong?”

He looked me right in the eyes then. His eyes were still dark but solid and sparkled in a way. Then like a bomb, he just dropped it. “I’m moving to Japan.” His words left me speechless. I almost choke at the idea. My eyes widen as my jaw fell. Is this the reason for his behavior? He is moving away to another country, away from me, miles absent from my side. I asked him for how long and to my disappointment, my voice shook as I uttered the words. His response was not the one I wanted to hear neither. “I’m not coming back.”

“Why? Don’t you like Seoul?” I tried my best not to show my true emotion either on my face or my voice or my eyes but I know I failed in doing so. I could hear my own vocal crack bit by bit. I tried to read his expression but the poker face remained. His features did not even flinched, his body did the same and he resembled a statue then. The wind blew across his face and that made his hair swayed a bit. Mine did too and it interfered with my vision. I could feel the tears accumulating in my eyes but I blinked countless times to drain them away. It was not the time to cry, not yet anyway. Now I wanted answers, why all of a sudden?

“I got a job there,” he paused. It seemed like he is trying to make me understand his decision to move. The words, I sense, carried meanings of their own. They seemed to hold determination. “And I think it’s time for me to settle down.” His voice was still low and robotic. It was hard to hear him as the wind grew stronger and the smell of water filled my nose. My nose felt warm now. It always felt warm when I’m going to cry. I must hold back the emotion.

“But, what about me? You’re leaving me?” I felt my eyes moisten more and more. I used all the strength in me not to act like a disappointed child but it was another failure attempt. My voice broke every time. Truthfully there is no special relation between SungMin and I. We are just friends. However, the thought of losing him terrify me, it made me shuddered. To me, he may be just a friend but deep down in my heart, I do not want to lose him. I felt SungMin’s warm hands on my shoulders then. Still he stared at my eyes. The image of his concern face right in front of me was a blurred due to the tears. His eyes seemed to change again; they looked so dark and sad. They appeared to tell me to calm down. I blinked my eyes to washed out the tears and my voice did not improved at all when I questioned him yet again. “This is the last time I’m going to see you?”

“Yes.” His voice was finally colored with emotion. It was still low and it sounded depress. Reminded me of my own tone but his vocal appeared to be more secured, like he practiced it before. Not fair, he had prepared for this moment. “My flight will departure tomorrow morning, when you are at work.” I could not say a word then but closed my eyes and bit my bottom lip. I let my head hung low as I bit harder. A traitor tear escaped to my burning cheeks, betraying me. His arms embraced me then and his soft whisperings comforted me. I wanted to say ‘don’t go’ but who am I to stop him? I’m just his friend, nothing else. He kept on whispering unfinished sentences to my ear but I was too cheerless to understand any of his words as a new sudden pain engulfed me. “SooYoung, I… You’re… My heart… The one…” His words just kept on coming into my head in a soft tenor voice. I could not think straight; I was too much in pain. I do not want for him to go. I want him to be here, to be with me, always. “SooYoung.” This time it was not a whisper but more of a calling. He paused, waiting for me to answer him. He gently released me from the hug and looked at my eyes again.

“Yes?” I croaked out. I could not breath properly now. My mind focused on inhaling and exhaling. Slowly, I felt his breath on my lips. His sweet breathes. My chest began to feel the thumping of my heart. His warm breath was so moist against my skin. My breathing did not improved as well, the unpleasant cold air pierce in my throat. Leaving my lips dry and lungs trying to survive. Gradually, he moved closer and his breath was so engaging. Seconds later, his lips captured mine and everything seemed so oblivious. His muscular arms around me grasping me in a steel grip, keeping me warm from the cold breeze of the river, the sound of the background fading into silence and for a second, I thought I just heard his heart beating the same rhythm as mine. I had the urge to place my palm on his heart just to confirm the thumping. Everything just felt so clear. My throat no longer felt sharp, instead his minted breath heal it. At last when he released me, the two of us were breathing heavily and that made us laughed. Our laugh sounded so pleasant as both of our voices harmonized with one another. My tears had no attention to go away and they just kept on multiplying. So my eyes were still damp as I scanned his blurred face. I wanted to remember his face even though he looked so thin and pale. My mouth was shaking, wanting to tell him something. Something or words that was buried deep in my heart. “Don’t go.” I heard myself whispering, my sobbing decreased. I could say my words more clearly. He shook his head as he cupped my face. His breaths were on my lips again. The sweetness and moisture of his breath made me feel faint. However, it was as if I could read his mind then, that, I know he would not be able to stay in Seoul. He was still determined to leave.

That thought made me cried even more.

He walked me to my apartment afterward and official announced his goodbye. I tried to say something but my sobbing stopped me from pronouncing the words. He did stayed for a bit; to make sure I would be all right. After he left, I cried myself to sleep.

…

“SooYoung, please take table thirteen’s order.” TaeYeon’s voice echoed through my head. As if it was pointless, hollow and I should just forget about it. I stood there with a piece of paper and a pen on each hand, thinking about him. I could not even get off from work to see him depart. I feel so useless as a friend. I could not even afford to skip work. I am really a failure being a friend to him despite his efforts to keep contact with me. Unpredictably, I felt a nudge on my left rib. I blinked and TaeYeon’s face came to sight. She looked displeased. “Yah, didn’t you hear me? Table thirteen please.”

“Right.” I answered in an emotionless voice. I myself could hear the mechanical voice in my own head. TaeYeon unnie showed a weird face as she stared at me. Perhaps my face was distance as well, just like my thoughts. I just could not focus and my mind is always on him. The moments we used to just talk on the bridge, memories how his eyes looked so alive and playful, recollections of his laughter, of his smiles, of his stupid jokes and his warm hands comforting me. Most vivid memory was of course, the kiss. I subconsciously touched my lips and remembered how soft his lips against mine. My cheeks suddenly sensed scorching. It felt so right when he kissed me. I never sense anything like that in my life. It was then I realize; it was my first innocent kiss. My heart began pounding again as the reminiscences rushed in. The sound of an aircraft soaring made me jumped. I was not excepting it. The restaurant is just a few blocks away from the International Airport. I looked at the clock hanging on the wall; it was almost ten and I guessed it was SungMin’s flight. I just realized I did not properly say goodbye to him. The thought pierced into me like sharp arrows on fire. It blistered right into my chest, having no intention to burn out but continued to blaze. It hurt so much.

“Girls! Check out the news!” Tiffany exclaimed as she turned the volume up. All nine of us including the customers turned to stare at the screen. I was not exactly excited but my gaze also moved to the monitor. A pretty woman dressed in a black blazer, sat in front of a large wooden desk with papers before her. She had her hair all tied up in a neat bun, perhaps to show off her pearl necklace that protected her thin neck. Despite her young age, I could see her wrinkles and the heavy makeup did not cease the blackness under her eyes. It must be hard to work for television. Behind her, in the background showed an airplane. I suddenly remembered she was the anchor for the ‘News at Ten’. Silence fell as every eyes glued to the television waiting for the woman to speak.

“Just minutes ago, a person had announced he placed a bomb on one of the airplanes. He actually declared his hatred to the government as he threatened the nearby security guards. From our reliable sources the very aircraft is currently flying to Japan.” Her voice was firm and confident but her words meant something else to me.

‘SungMin…’ His name boomed and echoed through my head over and over like his mechanic voice yesterday, playing non-stop like a recorder. I have been trying not to think of his name since I woke up today. I seemed to have placed his name in a small box deep at the back of my head. However it appeared it was a futile effort. I felt so nostalgic by his name repeating again and again like his tape yesterday but it had a different feeling though; instead of feeling worried, I felt pain slowly, teasingly devouring me. The pain in my chest grew stronger. I felt so unaware to my surrounding as I tried to control my breathing. I also tried to regain calmness by advising myself that it could not be SungMin’s plane. However the woman in the monitor announced each of the passengers’ names.

“Jung HeeYun, Park YooIn, Lee SungMin…” My world shattered into pieces as his name was said. My legs were wobbly and I could not support myself. My head felt light and spinning. My breathing worsened. I closed my eyes, placed a hand on the cold white wall for support and focusing on how to breath.

“SooYoung, your phone is vibrating.” HyoYeon pointed out. That made me opened my eyes and saw her worried face. I saw opened a bit but closed; she wanted to ask something but decided not to. I’m glad she chose not to because I do not know how to reply. The vibrating object in my pocket indicated I received a message. I slowly took it out; my energy was slowly drained by my emotion. As I opened the electronic letter and my eyes widen at the sender. My heartbeat accelerating, palm sweating and my finger shook as I read the name repeatedly.

It was from SungMin.

“I love you SooYoung.” His message was clear and simple. I smiled in happiness but at the same time, my tears formed as soon as I felt the pain enveloped me once more. It was too late for saying such things but I was happy he managed to confess. Others were too absorbed watching the screen displaying the exploded airplane. I too glanced at the television and punch the keypads. I have a feeling I have to reply his message.

“I love you too.” I clicked send and pried. Even though I know he will never read it.

Copyright © Park RyeoNa 2009