The New Year was full of surprises or so everyone kept telling Jonghyun. And every year he would hope a little for something, anything at all to give meaning to his life but he would be disappointed all over again. So this year he didn’t hope, wish or even pray for anything. But a surprise had still shown up at his door, less than a week into the New Year.

He had to admit he was in a bit of shock as the door opened to reveal Jinki at the threshold. He even had to wonder if his mind had become delusional.

Jonghyun wasn’t sure how long it was that he stared at Jinki before the boy levelled their gazes and met his eyes. He wished Jinki wouldn’t have because in that instant he knew this was all real, his sudden increase in heart beat or the loud thumping sound it made had proved it.

Jinki was just as pale as the last time Jonghyun had seen him, lying on that hospital bed with the needles and almost lifeless body. But he saw in his eyes, a slight spark of life as Jinki looked at him. He wasn’t sure what to make of it.

 Jinki’s body was thin and frail, much like his younger brothers but not as healthy. His hair was up in a messy ponytail and still had those highlights. This was a different Jinki, not the happy boy from 3 years ago.

With the silence that hung between them the air only grew thicker with tension. Jinki raised a hand to the back of his head and let out a nervous chuckle before he spoke a single word.

“Hi” he said as he finally brought his hand to his sides, fidgeting now with the hem of his shirt.

“Hi” was Jonghyuns lame reply. He was much too stunned to form a coherent sentence.

Thankfully Jonghyuns mother appeared from inside the house and invited Jinki to take a seat. She glanced carefully from her son to the other boy and then smiled. “How are you feeling Jinki?” she asked with concern to his surprise.

Jinki only looked to Jonghyun’s mother as he replied, ignoring the others eyes so evidently and openly staring. But he couldn’t help himself; he was soaking in all the image of Jinki he wasn’t able to in the past. His mind sketched a mental picture of the boy. His lips chapped and dry, his skin pale and white, his face narrow and cheeks slightly caving in. Jinki’s hair was a complete mess, overgrown and shabby but Jonghyun liked it. He had to fight back the urge to comb his fingers through the long strands that covered Jinkis eyes. Jonghyun proceeded to lower his gaze to Jinki’s hands, thin and bony, his nails bitten into his flesh and a few bruises that indicated self harm..

Jonghyuns eyes felt like they would bulge out of their sockets as he tried to tame his anger. With much difficulty he turned his gaze to his mother who was still engaged in conversation with Jinki. “Mom, could you please give us some time alone? There’s a lot we have to umm..catch up on” he managed to say in a controlled tone. Jonghyuns mother eyed him suspiciously but still relented in the end by excusing herself and leaving the house with duties of going to the market.

As soon as the door clicked shut behind Jonghyuns mother, he caught hold of Jinkis arm and raised it up accusingly. “Did you do this to yourself?!” Jonghyuns voice boomed through the entire house causing Jinki to flinch. Jinki tried desperately to wrench his hand free but his efforts were futile. Jonghyuns fury was palpable.

He felt his rage was justified because he didn’t quite want to face the array of emotions threatening to consume him. His anger was the only one he could afford to reveal.

“Yes, I did..” Jinki replied weakly. His entire body slumped in defeat, surrendering to a long internal battle. “..I’m sorry Jonghyun” Jinki almost pleaded, his voice broken and muddled in tears. At the recollection of the familiar words, Jonghyun let go of Jinkis hand and stepped back in fear of reliving his worst nightmare. The last Jinki and Jonghyun had spoken was when they broke up all those years ago, Jinki had said he loved him but he was sorry. Those words had always haunted him like a demon hiding in the closet. The kind you knew wasn’t there but the possibility always scared you.

But after all these years, Jonghyun realized he had no choice but to face his nightmares. He sunk to his keens before Jinki, a single tear falling with the sound of his barriers shattering to the ground. “Why..?” Jonghyun asked, his voice sounding as fragile as glass and like he had never heard it before.

Jinki looked down, studying the floor as he wiped his tears and cleared his throat. “A-all those years ago, back when we were dating..I could see what it was doing to you. We were never happy like we once used to be, and so I realized that there would come a day when it all became too much and you would either give up or end up hating me. And that thought haunted me every day of every moment, so I made the first move..and then the day came when you gave up.”

“How could you say that, after all this time and it’s my fault? And if I had asked you to stay that day..you would have stayed?” Jonghyun questioned with undeniable hurt and regret, not knowing if he was mad at Jinki or disappointed with himself for letting Jinki go back then.

A rueful smile crossed Jinkis face as he shook his head. “No, that’s not the thing. Jonghyun, I gave up long before that day but you still held on. You did fight for us but I was your biggest weakness in that battle.” As he said this, Jinki too slumped onto the carpeting on the floor so that