A/n: This spinoff is the counterpart to "Whole New World" (see what I did there? ;P). So while Soo is over in NYC, this is what happens for Jongin. The part that's all italicized is from Miscalc time and makes references to events in the fic (actual quotes come from Chapter XXXII).

Trigger warning: Mentions of suicidal behaviour and depression. Also mention of almost-ual assault (it was suggested to me to tag that; it's kind of vague but I will put it in here to be safe). (Spoiler: nothing is happy.)

Jongin knew something wasn’t right. He’d known it for a while. He knew by the brutal, wrenching feeling he got all the time, whenever he talked to his boyfriend, that something was wrong. He knew when he woke up that morning in October that things were so very not okay, and they weren’t going to be again, probably ever.

His mom had sent him to the doctor by Halloween. He was in the hospital less than a month later. And he didn’t tell Kyungsoo any of it.

“I have a boyfriend now.”

He was an older guy apparently, mature like Kyungsoo liked. And he was really sweet, and smart, and he made Kyungsoo laugh and gave him butterflies. Kyungsoo even sent smiley faces in his texts, and seemed so much happier in the messages.

The two didn’t call anymore. No need for it now.

Taemin came back to the city to stay with him, visit while he was sick, but it didn’t help. Even his closest childhood friend – they called each other cousins because they’d known one another so long – couldn’t make him smile anymore. He brought Jongin his homework, and would sit at his bedside and read chapters out loud to him; and Jongin tried to listen, for the sake of his education and because he knew it had to be boring as hell for Taemin, but it all just blurred into a cloud over his head. Kyungsoo was with someone else…

His sisters cried a lot the day they saw him. The older two girls had both moved out, and they’d come separately to check on him when he’d first been admitted. They’d looked worried then, but seemed to think it would all get better. It wasn’t going to get better. They all cried that day, just a couple weeks before Christmas, when the doctor called it an “attempted suicide”. Jongin cried too, because attempted meant it hadn’t worked.

Everyone seemed disappointed that this was happening again. You can’t keep letting your life revolve around that boy. You don’t have to die just because he left. He’ll be back in a few months; how do you think he’d feel if he came back to you like this?

But Kyungsoo wasn’t coming back. Sure, he might come back to Korea – might; what was stopping him from staying in New York now? – but he wasn’t coming back for Jongin. And if he saw Jongin here, what would he say? You already played this card. You’re too clingy. We were never gonna work anyway. Jongin could imagine the look in his eyes; disgusted, annoyed, exasperated. Empty, but still hateful.

It wouldn’t be the first time.

“

Kyungsoo had been rather quiet that night. He was always quiet, but today it felt… loud. Jongin couldn’t figure out why. He’d sort of been like this for a while, honestly. Things were just rough; it would be okay.

“Hyung, your birthday’s in a week.” He really liked calling Kyungsoo hyung. It was unnecessary to say the least – they were two days apart – but it made Jongin happy. He wanted Kyungsoo to know how much he respected him, even if Jongin was the popular one.

Kyungsoo made a small sound – I’m listening. Jongin liked that he could interpret Kyungsoo now without him even speaking.

“What do you want for your birthday? What can I give you?” Jongin couldn’t really think of anything. Really great birthday was a given, even if they’d just had really great New Year’s a week ago. But Kyungsoo should have an actual present, too.

He had one idea, but it was really cheesy.

He still had that drawing he’d stolen from Kyungsoo last year. He kind of wanted to write a letter to Kyungsoo saying how he’d fallen in love with him; how he’d seen that drawing and his heart had swooned, and he’d sort of been stunned by feelings for Kyungsoo that day. And then when Kyungsoo had fallen asleep while they’d been working on their math project – that felt like so long ago now, centuries maybe – and Jongin had lain him down and tucked his sweater under the older’s head, and brushed the hair falling into his eyes away. His heart had almost burst with all these feelings that day, seeing Kyungsoo so peaceful and beautiful, and he’d ended up going inside to get some drinks and compose himself. He’d bumped into Kyungsoo’s mom while he was in the kitchen, and he’d almost asked for her son’s hand in marriage right then and there.

Things only got worse for Jongin’s heart after that.

There had been his party – the first party, where Jongin had seen Kyungsoo kissing that girl on the couch and he’d seriously considered ripping out the ’s throat with his teeth. And then the next morning he’d found Kyungsoo dead in a closet; Jongin had been so sure he was dead. He’d been ice cold and covered in bruises and his lips were dangerously purple – not blue at least. But Kyungsoo’s eyes had opened and Jongin had carried him to his room and he’d felt Kyungsoo’s hand clinging weakly to his shirt – right over his heart. Even when his hand had pulled away, Jongin could still feel the grip he had on his heart, and it was only getting tighter every second.

It had been hard to undress him – in part because he wasn’t ready for the intimacy, seeing Kyungsoo’s body alone, all of it just for his hungry eyes; but then he’d seen Kyungsoo wincing with every movement, and he’d pulled off his shirt to reveal purple, purple everywhere. He wanted to cry. He kept his eyes on the huge ink blot of bruises while he undressed Kyungsoo the rest of the way, and then he tucked him in and covered it all up.

And then he was taking care of Kyungsoo, feeding him and warming him up. And Kyungsoo had thrown up and the way he’d looked at Jongin, while he was so vulnerable… Jongin couldn’t forget that look. He was so weak, and Jongin got lost in the overwhelming love, the desire to help this boy. That night he’d fallen asleep in the place Kyungsoo had lain hours earlier, fantasizing about sad eyes and beautiful lips.

Then there was the day he’d seen Kyungsoo crying in the bathroom stall at his dance studio, and Jongin’s heart had shattered. After that, all he knew was that he was going to make Do Kyungsoo whole again, whatever it took. And he’d thrown him his birthday party and they’d fought and Jongin had almost kissed him – had almost done a lot more than just kissing – but instead he’d just slept cuddled up to the boy he was so in love with.

There was so much more; kissing Kyungsoo for the first time, and then the second time weeks later. Kissing him in the practice hall after he’d seen Kyungsoo watching him dance, and he knew Kyungsoo wanted him. Kissing Kyungsoo in his pool, and knowing they both wanted it, knowing Kyungsoo would give in soon…

And then the party happened. Jongin didn’t ever want to bring it up to Kyungsoo, but he had never felt so broken as when he’d found Kyungsoo that night. And it hurt every time he saw Kyungsoo crying, hurting, suffering. But it only made Jongin want to love him more, to fix him and make his pain stop. Things had started to get better, though, slowly. And with every bit of progress they made, Kyungsoo seemed to fall more in love with him. Jongin overflowed whenever Kyungsoo looked at him and there was this… softness in his eyes. Tenderness in the way he kissed him. Affection in his voice. Even if Kyungsoo never said it, Jongin knew. He wasn’t the only one in love here.

Finally, they’d started dating, and Jongin couldn’t help waking up every morning smiling like an idiot. It was stupid how he would send Kyungsoo a “Good morning ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥” text and get back “-.-“, and that made his day. But he couldn’t help it. Kyungsoo was his; life was perfect. It wasn’t, because his friends were bullies and that , but it was. Because Kyungsoo existed.

Writing all that out in a letter, and then giving Kyungsoo the drawing back – so Kyungsoo knew that he’d kept it all that time, knew how much he meant to him – seemed like a good present. But it was cheesy, and also it didn’t cost anything. He’d thought about taking Kyungsoo out for dinner, letting everyone in the world see, taking pictures and sharing them everywhere, but he couldn’t. Not yet. There was still half a school year left. So what else did Kyungsoo want?

Kyungsoo’s eyes were on him now, and they were full of that vulnerability that Jongin rarely saw. Just the same as they’d been at that first party, when he’d finished throwing up; just the same as they’d been at that second party…

“You. Just for one day, I want you.”

He sounded so weak, so uncertain, and Jongin didn’t know how. “You always have me, silly,” he told him, trying to sound lighthearted because he didn’t like how sad Kyungsoo looked. Kyungsoo didn’t say anything else, and Jongin told himself it was because he believed him. It was true, after all.

“Can I have it – what I asked for?”

It was Kyungsoo’s birthday. Kris and Tao were sitting right beside him, but Kyungsoo had still come over here. Jongin knew what Kyungsoo was asking, but he couldn’t. They both knew he couldn’t. Not now. Not yet. Jongin mumbled some stupid excuse and Kyungsoo snapped at him, words he didn’t even hear. All he heard was the tone in his voice. What he heard was the same thing he saw in Kyungsoo’s eyes a few days later, when he’d given him the book of all his notes, and the letter that was so very different than he’d been planning.

Disgusted, annoyed, exasperated. Empty, but still hateful.

Kyungsoo was gone.

“

Kyungsoo texted him a lot, but Jongin didn’t look at his messages anymore. He read the previews, and gradually watched as Kyungsoo amusingly asked where he’d gone, to growing frustrated, to downright pissed off. Are you really ignoring me now? Fine, if you wanna be that way then I… He didn’t have to open the messages to know what the rest would say. Eventually the messages stopped altogether.

A few days before Christmas – more than a week after the unsuccessful incident that he refused to talk to anyone about – his phone started ringing, and he saw that it was Kyungsoo who was calling him. He didn’t answer, but Kyungsoo tried a second time, and then a third, and then it stopped. Ten minutes later, it started again, and finally Jongin put the phone up to his ear, preparing himself to hear that voice again.

When he tried to answer, no sound even came out. He hadn’t spoken in ages. Swallowing a few times and clearing his throat, he tried again. “H-ello?”

“Kim Jongin what the hell is wrong with you?!”

It wasn’t Kyungsoo’s voice yelling at him. He felt a twinge of something push through the deadness in his heart; concern, maybe. He just grunted in response; that was all he felt he owed Kim Kibum.

“Kyungsoo just nearly got ually assaulted and he tried to call you because he needs you to talk him down and then he finds out you tried to kill yourself and you’re in the hospital! What the hell, Jongin?!” There was a lot of disbelief in his voice, as if somehow he couldn’t believe Jongin was hurt that the love of his life had left him for someone else. But Jongin didn’t care about that – waves of pain were breaking through his numbness at the idea of Kyungsoo getting hurt. It might have been an age since they’d spoken, but Kyungsoo’s safety had never stopped being a priority.

“Is he okay?” he choked.

“He’s sitting on the sidewalk shaking like a freaking leaf,” Kibum snapped. “He was able to hold himself up at least, until he found out about you.”

“Let me – talk to him.” Jongin was starting to tremble himself. He knew how Kyungsoo got when the flashbacks hit; it rarely happened anymore, but the fact that someone had tried to hurt him again was just going to renew it completely. Being on the other side of the world made Jongin feel terrified, because he couldn’t help.

“If he wants to talk to you, fine.” There was a moment where Jongin heard Kibum ask if Kyungsoo was okay to talk, and Jongin didn’t hear any reply, and he was scared he would be hung up on, but then there was a voice again.

“J-Jongin…”

“Kyungsoo!” he yelped, voice cracking. “You’re okay, hyung, it’s alright…”

“What – happened t-to you?” Kyungsoo sniffled, voice quivering. “Why would you – try to – to kill yourself, you idiot?”

Jongin cringed, shaking his head though the other couldn’t see. “Don’t. Don’t worry about me. Tell me – about you.”

“I’m scared. I’m scared… I want to lie down, I want you to hold on to me and calm me down, Jongin…”

“I can’t do that.” Not just because I’m so far away, either. It wouldn’t be appropriate, now. “Go home, Kyungsoo. Lie down and stay with Kibum. Or go to your boyfriend.” The word came out bitter, but it was better than him being broken. They couldn’t both be right now.

“Jongin, I’m asking you-”

“I can’t help you, Kyungsoo! I’m in a hospital bed on the other side of the world right now!” His mouth snapped shut the moment he said it. Geez, could he be more stupid? Kyungsoo was hurting right now…

How dare he come crying to me after everything? After he broke my heart. He put me here, and he asks me to come fix him now that he’s got a problem, when I’m not even alive anymore. He wants me to make things okay after he ruined everything good in my life, after he left me without even a goodbye.

He hated himself for thinking it all, but the thoughts refused to stop. Kyungsoo had only bothered to come back now that he needed something. It was perfectly fine for Kyungsoo to put him in a damn hospital, to hurt him that bad, but as soon as Kyungsoo was hurt, suddenly that could all be forgotten.

Jongin heard Kyungsoo sob on the other end of the line, and his heart woke up just so it could snap in two. All he could think was that he would be trying again soon, and it wouldn’t just be attempted this time.

“I’m sorry, Jongin. I didn’t want this – I… I’m sorry.”

And then the phone was passed back to Kibum and Jongin heard Kyungsoo say he just couldn’t handle this right now, and Jongin ended the call before Kibum could say anything. He threw his phone to the end of the bed and ripped out the taped-down IVs in his arm, and the oxygen tubes, not caring if he got yelled at. Grabbing one of the too-many pillows propping him up, he smothered his face in it, half-hoping it would suffocate him to death, just wanting to block out the world for a while.

“

Jongin refused to ruin his family’s Christmas by making them all stay with him in the hospital. The only thing he said after the phone call was that – that they were not allowed to come to the hospital on Christmas day. The day after, fine, but not Christmas. There was a lot of arguing, but he was resolute, and so they didn’t come Christmas day. That was fine with Jongin; he planned to spend it crying as he had every other day, wondering how Kyungsoo was doing and missing him and hating him and hating himself and just drowning in misery.

He didn’t plan for Taemin showing up.

Taemin wasn’t going to just leave him alone, as it was. Taemin was stubborn too. He came in and sat down on the side of Jongin’s bed and didn’t speak a word; they didn’t have to, they were practically telepathic. Eventually Jongin started crying again, and Taemin just let him, and he probably cried for hours and Taemin just stayed there with him. And when he let up, they still didn’t speak for a long time, because Taemin knew him too well and knew he couldn’t say anything while he was still wallowing. But after a while he spoke up.

“You wanna talk to me?”

Jongin shook his head. “I – just want…” Him. Taemin knew that too. He got up and hugged Jongin, and Jongin just held on, until Taemin pulled away. Before Jongin wanted to let go. But in a second Taemin was kissing him, leaning in and pressing his mouth against his, eyes closing and holding Jongin so he couldn’t pull back. Jongin didn’t move, and soon Taemin stopped. The look in his eyes wasn’t what Jongin was expecting.

“I know he’s the last person you kissed,” Taemin said quietly. “I wanted to take that away from you, so you can’t keep holding on. You have to start cutting your ties, Jongin.”

It fell silent while Jongin took in what he was saying. Taking Kyungsoo’s last kiss away… Taemin wasn’t in love with him, then. He’d been kind of worried that he was, but it didn’t come as much of a relief that he wasn’t. Not that he was in love with his best friend, but…

He pulled Taemin back down, slanting their mouths together and kissing him hard. He didn’t know what he was doing, or why, but he wasn’t stopping and he wasn’t stopped, so he just kept going until he had dragged Taemin half on top of him and Taemin had let out a quiet whine indicating he couldn’t breathe. When he finally let go, Taemin gave him a curious look – not judging, just wondering. His best friend didn’t seem embarrassed, his lips very red but his cheeks not. He sat back down on the bedside, and just waited for Jongin to speak.

“I’m not in love with you,” were the first words out of his mouth. Taemin gave a small smile. “Am I?”

“I don’t think so,” Taemin shook his head, taking Jongin’s hand lightly. “It’s never been like that for us – not for me, and I don’t think for you either.”

“Then why?” Jongin didn’t know what he’d been thinking, why he’d just kissed his best friend; but Taemin could always read his mind, whether Jongin could himself or not.

“I think you’re trying to find something to keep you together,” Taemin said softly. “To keep you alive, help you forget. I don’t mind if you want me to be that for you, but I don’t know how healthy it is, Jong.”

“You would date me?” Jongin’s mind was blurry, and he hardly heard the idea that he was just trying to forget Kyungsoo. He didn’t think about wanting to forget Kyungsoo – it didn’t even occur to him; but unconsciously, that was what he was doing.

“You need to move on from Kyungsoo,” Taemin replied, voice still gentle. “You know I love you, and I want to help. I can’t keep watching you like this. Being in the hospital, withering away, crying all the time… His life is going on, yours needs to too.”

They talked about it for a while longer, and then decided it would be good for Jongin to be with Taemin, at least until he could get back on his feet again. Until Kyungsoo was wiped out of his life, and Jongin was able to fall in love again for real. And then Jongin was kissing Taemin again, and it didn’t feel like anything – it felt like nothing, it wasn’t Kyungsoo and there was just nothing sparking inside him at all – but he promised himself he would make it matter. He would stop wanting Kyungsoo’s mouth, he would forget about it and learn Taemin’s instead. Maybe he would even learn to be in love with Taemin.

Maybe he would wake up and Kyungsoo would never have left him.

“

Jongin was released from the hospital in mid-January, brought back to life by the new deal – er, relationship – he had with Taemin. The first night he went home and found that Taemin had been sleeping in his bed, so they just shared it. Taemin had been living with Jongin’s family for over two months now, and Jongin’s mom said he could move in if he wanted, take one of Jongin’s sisters’ old rooms, but for that first night, both of the boys just wanted to stay together, to make sure Jongin would be okay now that he was back home.

Things were okay. It was okay every night, when they started kissing, fighting with their tongues, trying to hold onto one another in desperation. Jongin was desperate. He wanted to forget what kissing Kyungsoo was like, what his mouth felt like and tasted like, what his hands were like on his skin, always rough and eager. Taemin was more gentle, letting Jongin lead. Jongin made the first moves, Jongin touched first and forwarded the actions, took them steps further. It was barely a week before he started exploring his best friend’s whole body, and giving Taemin his in return.

It was different. It wasn’t Kyungsoo. The felt good, the was good, especially after going so long without, but it was still not Kyungsoo, and it made him feel wrong. He hated that he enjoyed it, that there was still so much pleasure when it was so meaningless. As soon as it was done, he would sink in guilt, and Taemin wouldn’t say anything about it but they both knew.

Even worse was that Jongin couldn’t stop. He just kept doing it – every night, he’d fall asleep crying from shame, and every morning he’d wake up and want it again. Neither of them knew what to do, so they just kept trying. And it worked, in a way. Jongin started to lose memories of what this was like with Kyungsoo. But he didn’t want Kyungsoo any less. He longed to go back to him.

He was amazed when he graduated a couple months later, and Taemin was still with him. By that point, he at least wasn’t drowning every day. Kyungsoo hadn’t said a word since the phone call, and Jongin could forget about him sometimes, if only for a few moments.

Nothing in his life felt good enough though – satisfaction in graduating, happiness with Taemin, living daily life; it all felt superficial. None of it was real. It was just going through the motions. No, it didn’t hurt every breathing second; he felt a little bit… okay. But it all felt like one huge lie. Being happy was a lie without Kyungsoo; being miserable was a lie with Taemin – Taemin made it bearable.

Maybe that was all he was meant for. Mediocre. Okay at best. He could see his life in front of him, all just a flat line of okayness. And okay wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t what he wanted. Jongin was always selfish, and he wanted the best. The way things had been with Kyungsoo.

But Kyungsoo was coming back in a month, and Jongin didn’t think he wanted that at all. He didn’t want Kyungsoo in his life again, when Kyungsoo had a boyfriend and Jongin had Taemin and nothing seemed right in the world. That wasn’t even what was bad though; the worst thing was, if Kyungsoo asked to have Jongin back, Jongin wasn’t sure he would go back now.

And just as bad, he couldn’t tell if it was a problem or not.

A/n: (While Kyungsoo's falling in love, has Jongin stopped loving Soo? *hides*)

Small rant... Jongin doesn't even say anything about how Taemin feels being used here. Does it bother him? Who knows. Jongin doesn't, nor does he care apparently. Nor does he consider the affect him not talking to Kyungsoo has on Kyungsoo. Yes, Kyungsoo wasn't talking to him, but all Kyungsoo knows is he tried to kill himself; he doesn't know what he's going back to when he comes home, if Jong is even alive or what like geez. (I know Jongin feels terrible but he's still so selfish. Sorry, this might be a bit personal.)

Anyway, now we have Kyungwook and Taekai and you guys don't know much about Kyungwook in here but they're very different from Taekai. Poor Taemin; he's a good best friend. BUT: Taemin isn't in love with Jongin. He's doing this because he's a wonderful person and does care about Jong a lot.

Now... *hides from everyone's wrath*

EDIT I just realized that Jongin was in the hospital just a couple months before Baekhyun was in the first spin-off (Human). Weeeeeeird.