Have you ever thought about how you will die? Yeah, me neither. I’ve never given it any real thought, I mean who thinks about death in their teens? But maybe, if I had, I would have seen myself in a ripe old age with my caring family around me as I breathed my last breath or maybe losing my life in a tragic accident or in many other ways…but I certainly would never have imagined the story, or more accurately nightmare, that is playing out right in front of my eyes.

“Miss, are you all right? Do you need anything?” A kind looking nurse in her fifties asks me.

Of course I’m not all right, why would you ask the obvious? And what do I need? A hell of a lot of things, but quite frankly you can’t give them to me. But of course I don’t say any of those things out loud. I just shake my head and smile. Yes, I smile…why? Because I’m me; Lee Jin-ah, a girl who never bothers other people with her problems.

The nurse nods her head, apparently satisfied with my answer and goes off to help another patient. I shrug my bag onto my shoulder as I take shaky steps to the admission desk in front of me.

“Can I help you?” The young man sitting behind the desk asks me. Yes? No? I don’t know? Jin-ah are you really going to go through with this? It’s not too late to back out yet…

Everything started a few months ago. Frequent fevers, nose bleeds, and major weight loss… all these had led me to believe that something was wrong with me; but I had been more than a little surprised when, after going to the hospital a week ago and telling the doctor my symptoms, she had asked me to take a physical exam. I had to strip to my waist so the doctor could feel my upper body. Even though the doctor was a woman, I was still very uncomfortable as she felt my armpits and stomach, checking for god knows what?

After that she had ordered a blood test for me. When that had been done, she took a grave look at my results and requested a bone marrow biopsy. Now, I had seen more than enough medical TV shows to know that we were no longer talking about a simple illness. So I requested an explanation from my doctor. She sat down across from me and told me that there was a possibility that I might have cancer…cancer…that single word made my whole body shake in fear.

And now here I am, standing in the very same hospital fighting an inner battle with myself…do I want to know the doctor’s final verdict or not? Can I live my life normally knowing that there may be a chance that I have cancer, but not knowing for certain? Can I live each day, not knowing if I will drop dead at any moment because there may be a deadly bomb ticking inside of me? Can I?

The receptionist at the front desk looks at me weirdly, probably wondering why I have spaced out on him. I take a deep breath and make my final decision…I can’t leave this hospital without a certain answer…I owe myself that much. I have to know the truth, I need to know the truth.

“My name is Lee Jin-Ah,” I finally manage to say. “I have an appointment with Doctor Park.”

“Are you alone? Don’t you need anyone with you?” The doctor asks as I take the seat in front of her. She knows that I’m 19 and considered a legal adult, she knows that I wish to not worry my parents. She never asked about my lack of companion before…why is she doing it now? I just shake my head in a negative answer because I honestly don’t think I can use my voice; no, there is no one with me.

After a little hesitation and a lot of anxious glances, she finally looks me in the eyes and says: “I’m sorry.”

And I can feel my whole world crashing down…

It’s raining…I only notice it as I make my way out of the hospital; it wasn’t raining when I left home two hours ago…I didn’t bring an umbrella...I couldn’t care less. When you’ve just been told that you will only be alive for one month, simple things such as the possibility that you will catch a cold walking in the rain with no umbrella, cease to matter anymore. I take a deep breath as I walk down the front steps, fighting with myself in order to not break out into a run in my desperation to get away from this place as fast as I possibly can…I silently vow that I will never step foot in this wretched building again.

My hair and clothes are soaked within two minutes, and I can feel myself silently shaking as I head towards the bus stop. Wait, screw that, I don’t need a bus…I’ll just walk home, even if it is a good thirty minute walk in the pouring rain.

As I walk I suddenly start to think of Mama, my grandmother who passed away when I was sixteen. She loved the rain. On rainy days she would simply sit beside a window and look out with a dreamy expression on her face. Once, when I was ten I asked her why she loved the rain so much. She chuckled as she took the ten year old me on her lap and my hair as she answered my curiosity.

“Jinny-ah,” She said my nickname. “I love the rain because it is a gift to those who are sad…”

I gave her a quizzing look, how could rain possibly make someone feel better? It would just make them wet and sad.

“If you stand in the rain,” My Mama said with a grave expression. “no one can tell you’re crying.”

The ten year old me didn’t understand what my grandmother had meant that day, but the nineteen year old me, now knows.

I can feel tears on my already wet cheeks; raindrops and teardrops mingle together and no one could possibly tell them apart.

“Mama,” I whisper. “did you send this rain from heaven just for me? Are you watching over me?”

Hi my name is Lee Jin-Ah. I’m nineteen years old. Today I have been told that I have Leukemia. The cancer is too developed, treatments will not save me…I only have a month or so to live.

I’m standing in this rain and looking up at the sky; if I don’t make a sound you can’t tell that I’m crying… right?