Jieun had always been spoiled with treats and delicacies as a kid. But no sweet candied delight seemed to sway her love for stuffed animals. 

“Sad, sleeping bear…”  she says again, for the first time out loud. With eyes, her inquisitive eyes furiously blinking with the speed twice the regular female. And that was saying something.

“Sad sleeping bear.” the words stung her tongue as she repeated the words that would have been the beginning of a pun once. Oblivious to the meaning these words held.

Getting up on her feet, she took three long strides towards the spare closet in her room.  The only place in her turf where she knew nothing about. Where her mind and body feels the most numb. Where her old stuff and memories were stacked up with dust and disregard.

Jieun sneezed the moment she opened the deserted area. She sneered and laughed, the scarce hint of humor and irony carved in her eyes. “It seems like nostalgia’s getting to me.” It had been the first time she spoke of these words she’s scorned to never say. The paradox clutches at her heart.

“Well then” she begins as she shrugs the sentiment from her mind and kneels down to the nearest box. “Where did I put those dollies?”

The next hour was spent opening boxes, getting paper cuts, sneezing and rummaging through worn out carboard boxes. The next hour was spent the same, all in the same synchrony of events but none of the boxes had what she was looking for, she took a break afterwards; 15 minutes to relief herself of the tight pain spreading through her chest. She resumed quickly afterwards, despite the lack of results, though it was only it the third hour or so when she had stumbled on a rather big knack sack at the back of the closet.

  She spent the hours of getting acquainted with both the dust bunnies and old friends from the past.  Though unfortunately, despite the ranging varieties of beady - eyes bears with the occasional appearances of some long-eared buddies, they were all smiling and looked uncannily joyous. The loose threads were evidence that they had once lived their lives with a child with a happy childhood. Not within the hands miserable lady whose memories only range from the past month at most.

What she needed now what the sad bear. A sad bear for the miserable lady. A perfect match indeed, she mused.

Without more than a second thought, she packs all the toys back and throws all of it back in the closet.  “Well that was a waste.” She said, with a cheerful smile and took off towards the bathroom. She reckoned that she only needed a quick cold shower to wash off the unwanted tension.

“Stupid Jieun, when will you ever learn that you’ll never have another chance at that life?” she murmured as she slowly stripped herself and let the cold drips of water cool her down. “Why don’t you ever learn? Just give up.” The last few words ring in her ear, reverberating with such resonance that made her pulse palpitate as if trying to compete with the annoying rings of her own mocking voice. Oh how she despised moments like this.

Jieun steps out of the bathroom shortly after she hushes the arguing voices in her head. The cool wind and low temperature quickly tinges her cheeks pink with the contact and she shivers from her scalp down to her toes due to other reasons. “Just give up.” The voice in her head returned even louder and repulsing than it ever was.

In her sight she catches a glimpse of a stuffed creature on the still of her window frame.  It laid flat on its stomach, facing away from the window and right at the girl. Its eyes almost staring holes at her, but it didn’t have eyes; rather its eyes were stitched into slits, with thick black thread.   

It was sleeping. Jieun thought, almost breathless for a moment as she took small cautious steps towards it. As if it was a rare creature she didn’t want to scare away.

Taking the doll into her hands, she instantly felt the soft lush of artificial fur rush into the palm of her hand. She observes the fine handwork of stitches that etched its skin that made it look like a waffle. She shakes the bear, watching its head bob to her everything movement.

Her lips quiver in melancholy, as another voice crept its way out of the surface. It wasn’t repulsive nor was it scornful. It was a voice that wasn’t hers, but it still seemed to be familiar to the girl, the resonance of a low timbered chuckle rang in her eyes.

“Who are you?” she asked no one in particular as she closed her eyes and hugged the bear, seeking refuge in its presence. A sudden image of a boy sparking up her field of vision. She keeps her eyes shut and opens . A word- a name-  that just can’t seem to roll off her tongue, just keeping clutching at the tip of it, refusing to let go.

“Just give up.”

She tightens her grasp on the bear, refusing to be swayed by the voice. “IU… “ The strange voice said this over and over again, as if to encourage the girl to go further.

The image of his face sparks up as she bursts her eyes open, the momentum was gone but the rustling in her chest was still there. Literally.

“What?” she craned her neck to look at the bear, worried that she might have broken it or something. But what she saw wasn’t exactly broken teddybear bones, but it did have a resemblance to it at first glance.

Sticking out its side was a glossy sheet, and looking at it closely it was more than just a sheet. It was another photograph. It was another photograph. It was another photograph. It was another photograph. It was another photograph. It was another photograph.

Each had its own scenario buried deep in her mind, each escaping by the thinnest thread.

Memories that she never had seemed to be flooding her mind, her eyes leaking with stray tears.