Let me tell you a story…a story about me and my father. Why am I telling you this? I want to show that every day, every hour, every minute and every second matters. 

My name is Kim Cheon Mi. Weird right? But my father chose it out of all the names in the world. My name means angel’s smile. My father always told me that I’m precious just like an angel’s smile. How would I know how precious an angel’s smile is? I never saw one.

When I was a kid, I played with him every now and then. He always told ma about his days in the music industry, I was always entertained by the things he would do with his 'brothers'. That’s right. My father was a singer back then. He came from a much known boy group. And he was even the leader.

I was able to meet some of his ‘brothers’ back then. I have to admit that they were all good looking every time I look at their past photos. Most of them are already out of the music industry and already have their own families.

Although I was close to my father as a kid, our relationship started to drift apart when I entered high school. I started to hang out with my friends. I always made excuses just to not go home early. Everything changed.

~~~

One year Ago

“Cheon Mi-yah! Come down and let’s eat!” I woke up with an irritated expression on my face. It’s so early, and my father was already waking me up. My older brother doesn't live with us. He stays at a dorm near his university, which was quiet far from our house. Good for him. My mother? She died a long time ago.

My father was talking about something that I can’t comprehend – maybe another topic from his class. He is a professor in another university. He’s teaching music. Well, that makes sense because he was a singer back then. He always talks about matters from the university whenever we sit and start to eat. It’s the same story over and over again. It’s irritating.

“I have to go…” I shoved another spoon of rice and meat inside my mouth then stood. I hurriedly took my back pack and my jacket. My father looked at me in surprise. “Already? You did not even eat half of your food...” He also stood and hurriedly went to the kitchen. He opened the fridge and took something out.

“Drink this before you go…” He handed me a packet of herbal medicine. I was forced to drink it. He’s so health conscious that he always has vitamins and every kind of medicinal supplements in our cabinet. He always looked like an owner of a clinic than a professor.

I was about to go out when he ran to get his jacket and car keys. “Wait, I’m going to give you a lift…” I rolled my eyes. “I’m okay… I can just go on my own! I’m not a kid anymore!” I told him. I saw his face dropped with disappointment. I turned around and slammed the door.

~~~

“So? Can you come this Monday?” Yna – one of my friends asked me. There will be a party at their house on Monday. It’s her birthday. “Of course!” I replied while flipping the pages of the magazine I was reading. I stopped then smiled when I spotted my favourite band.

“Do you like them that much?” Mi Young – another friend of mine joined the conversation. “Yah! Do you even need to ask that question? She’s head over heels for them! Look at her! She looks like she’s possessed!” Yna nudged Mi Young.

They both smiled. “But… your father was a singer back then right? Have you ever met any of their juniors? Maybe even the band that you’re head over heels with?” Yna’s question brought a frown on my face. “What does my father have something to do with this? I told you don’t bring up anything about him right?” I was irritated.

“I’m just asking. What did your father do that makes you so irritated? He looks very caring and warm every time he takes your lunch here in school though…” Yna shrugged. “That’s exactly why I’m irritated… He treats me like a child. I’m already 17. I know what I’m doing. I feel suffocated when I’m at home…” I closed the magazine then stuffed my ear with my earphone.

~~~

“Oppa…” I mumbled as the other line picked up my call. “Oh? Cheon Mi-yah, why are you calling?” my older brother asked me. I thought for a moment. “When are you coming home?” I sounded like I really missed him. I really miss him.

“Next week… How are you there?” he asked me. I rolled over my bed then looked at the ceiling. “We’re okay…” I sighed. “Why does it sound like you’re not okay at all?” He really is good in detecting everything.

“I think I’m going to die from suffocation!” I confessed. I can hear my brother chuckle from the other line. “I’m serious!” I told him. “What is it this time?” He was still chuckling. “He always makes things hard for me! I told him not to go through my things even if my room’s messy but he did not listen to me!” I ranted.

“Just understand him… You’re the only one there and you’re the only person that he can talk to… Just listen to him okay?” I frowned uncertainly, disliking the sincerity in his tone. “But he tells me his stories over and over again! It’s the same story all the time!” I complained.

“Yah kiddo! Just listen to him and take care of him. You should always be there for him since he’s getting older… I have to go… I’ll call you when I have time…” I did not even manage to say goodbye when he hung up. I put down my phone then stared at the ceiling once again.

“Cheon Mi-yah! Come and drink your vitamins!” I sighed then dragged my body out of my room when I heard my father. Seriously, if I graduate from high school, I’ll choose a university far from this house!

I sat down then the TV. I can’t take my eyes off the TV when my favourite band was shown. The sharp, jagged sound of pots being rattled against one another floated in from the kitchen, disturbing my concentration. I turned around and saw my father clumsily organizing the utensils there. Seriously, can’t he be a little quite?

My father came at the living room carrying a glass of milk. He placed it at the table in front of me. “Drink it before you go to bed…” he looked at me with those anticipating and happy eyes. I got it and drank half of it. “You still remember that we have an appointment this coming Monday right?” I stopped when I heard that. I can’t remember anything that I should do on that day – the only thing that I can remember is that that’s the day for Yna’s birthday party.

“You don’t remember?” He asked me when I did not answer. “Is it that important?” I asked him. I’m not really interested with whatever that was. “Well… it’s not that important but you told me that we could do it this coming Monday so I thought…” He trailed off.

“Ah…about seeing the sunrise? We can do that next time… The sun will rise every day. We can just see it next time…” I shrugged like it was nothing. He just nodded. I stood then told him that I was going to sleep. He just bid me a good night sleep then I went to my room.

I was still awake when my father came to my room. In order to spare the story telling time, I pretended that I was asleep. I opened my eyes slightly to see what he was doing. He was looking at my childhood pictures – the pictures that have my whole family in it. I saw him smile.

I shut my eyes closed when I saw him coming towards me. He sat beside my bed then patted my head. “Sleep tight. I hope you grow up strong, my baby angel…” he whispered then kissed my forehead. He got out of my room after a while. I opened my eyes. I felt guilty for some reasons.

~~~

“Did you touch my things again?! I told you not to mind my room right?!” I slammed my door then ran to the kitchen. My father was cooking something. He looked at me. “What happened? Did you lost anything?” he asked.

“My scarf that oppa gave me is not there! I’m supposed to use that today!” I yelled. He looked startled. “The blue scarf? I washed it… It’s still wet…” he answered. “What!? Why did you wash it? You’re always messing with my stuff! Even the gloves that mom knitted is not in my room! Can you just not meddle with the things that I do?!” I exploded. I can’t contain my feelings. I quickly walked towards the door then slammed it shut. I did not bother looking back.

My day’s totally ruined. It’s even the day for Mi Young’s celebration for her win in the national skating contest.I did not tell my father that I’ll be late tonight. I’m not concerned at all. I’m in a bad mood because of what happened.

“Let’s go! Cheon Mi-yah!” Yna pulled me. We took a cab and as soon as we reached Mi Young’s house, many people welcomed us. Mi Young came looking for us. She introduced us to her friends and parents.

It was a very fun moment becasue I met a lot of people. I talked with a lot of Mi Young’s other friends. A call interrupted my conversation with her. I rejected the call since the number was unregistered in my phone. I never took calls from strangers. After some time, my phone rang again – the same unregistered number. With an irritated expression, I took the call.

I heard a woman’s voice. The thing she told me shook my world and turned it upside down. My hands were trembling and my throat felt dry. “Yah… who’s that?” Mi Young shook my shoulder. “What’s wrong?” she asked again. “I—I have to go…” I hurriedly found my way out- running.

~~~

The repeating sound of the monitor can only be heard. I was sitting beside the bed. I still can’t believe what was happening. “C-Can you hear me? D-Dad?” My voice was shaky. I was fighting my tears from rolling. I was holding my father’s hand. It felt warm – just like before when I was a kid. It never changed.

He opened his eyes. As soon as he saw me, he smiled. He looked very pale. My heart was aching. “Hang in there…” I told him. My voice became shakier. I was scared. I felt guilty. I felt sadness. My emotions were mixed up. A tear fell from my eyes.

My father frowned. He reached for my right cheek then wiped my tear off. “Don’t cry… You’ll make me sad…” he said that with a smile. I couldn't hold back anymore. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry… Just be strong again okay?” My tears came falling.

“If you get well… We’ll go and see the sunrise together okay? I promise…” I looked at him. He smiled again. Every smile that came on his face stabbed me.

My brother came running. He quietly stood beside me. My brother patted my shoulder. “Why did you not tell us?” he calmly asked our father. He’s calm in nature but I know he’s also sad deep inside. “I’m sorry for not telling you… I just found out about it three months ago… it’s the last stage already… not curable…” our father replied.

The doctor said that he was suffering from colon cancer. I never suspected that he was suffering something like that. He totally concealed it from us. Three months ago… that’s the time when he started treating me like a kid again. He was always protective in nature but three months ago, he just totally changed.

I squeezed his hand. He looked at me. His breathing became deeper. My heart skipped a bit. I felt my brother’s hand tremble. “Take care of each other, okay? If—if I don’t make it… make sure to have each other’s backs, okay?” He sounded like he was already bidding us goodbye. I was shaking my head. “Please don’t talk like that… We’ll go and see the sunrise right? I already promised you that… I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” I kept on shaking my head.

“Stop saying sorry…once is enough…” he squeezed back my hand. “Take care of your sister… I know you’re a responsible brother…” he looked at my brother. He nodded. “I will…” I can hear my brother’s voice shake.

Our father looked at me. “Don’t give your brother a headache, okay? Listen to him… I know you’re strong…” he smiled. I was still holding his hand. I knew that his time was coming. “Don’t you ever lose the smile on your face… my angel…”

I nodded. He looked at my brother then at me. He was still smiling. He took in a deep breath. I held his hand tighter. I felt my brother squeezing my shoulder. “I love you…” he whispered with a smile then...

The monitor went flat. I just looked at him blankly - tears still falling. His hand felt cold.

~~~

My brother forced me to go home. I insisted on staying at the hospital but he forced me to go home and take a rest for some time. He was arranging the funeral for our father.

I opened the door and darkness welcomed me. I switched on the light. The kitchen that was always full of noise was so quiet. I could see my father smiling at me while telling me that we should eat dinner already.

I saw something at the table. It was my gloves – the gloves that I was looking for that morning. I even yelled at my father for that. I took them and went inside my parents’ room.

I sat on the bed and looked around. I saw the wedding picture of my parents on top of the table. My father was young back then. I already miss them both. I opened the drawer and saw a notebook. I opened it. It was my father’s journal.

Wife,

Today I learned that I have colon cancer. It’s already on its last stage. The doctor told me that it cannot be cured. I don’t know what to tell our children. Our son is busy studying for his exams. I cannot tell him something like this. He might not be able to concentrate. Our daughter is also doing well in school. I think I’m just going to keep it a secret then…

He started writing that journal three months ago. That was the first entry. I kept on reading the things that he wrote.

Wife,

Today, I told our daughter that we should have time to see the sunrise together but she told me that she had something important to do. But that’s okay; she told me that we can go see the sunrise next time. I think I can wait for that. I’ve been seeing our daughter fangirling a boy group. It brings me memories from the past. Remember when we met at a fan signing event? You were our solid fan back then. You were originally a fan of Kris but fell for me, right? Going for the short one you said? Wife, I miss you. I even thought of buying a concert ticket for our daughter to see that boy band this coming Dream Concert. That would be nice right? That would be her birthday gift. I hope she’ll like it.

My heart ached when I read that. I felt guilty for saying that I had something important to do back then. I bet my father missed mom a lot. The last entry was written that morning.

Wife,

Yesterday, our daughter told me again that she had something to do this coming Monday. We were supposed to see the sunrise. But that’s okay, she told me that we can see the sunrise next time. I wish I can still make it. The pain is getting worst. Our daughter’s all grown up. She’s not a baby anymore. I just realized.

This morning, she went to school angry. I washed her blue scarf that she was supposed to use. It was my fault. I did not even ask her if she already used it. She also lost her gloves - the ones that you knitted. I went to her room and looked for them. I saw them under her bed. Isn’t our daughter forgetful just like you? Cute right? I’m going to give it to her when she comes home.

Teardrops wet the page of my father’s journal. I was crying. I felt so bad. I felt so sorry. I cried all night.

~~~

Do you know what's the thing that I regret the most?

I did not even say I love you to my father. Those words did not come out from my mouth even after my father died. I might’ve told him that when I was a kid but I can’t remember any moment that I told him those words as an adult.

Here I am standing at the sea shore. Today marks a year for my father’s death. The cool breeze felt so nice. I was waiting for something. A smile came to my face when the sun rose. So, this is the thing that my father wanted to see with me. It was beautiful.

“I love you dad…I love you mom… I miss you…” I whispered.

I smiled. I was able to say it.

Someone wrapped his arms on my shoulders. He smiled at me. “Oppa…” I looked at him. “Mom and dad must be happy wherever they are…” he looked at the sun rising. I nodded. “I bet they are…”

I lied when I said that I never saw an angel smile before. I always saw one smiling at me. Every time I go home. Every time he gives me herbal medicines. Every time he gives me my milk. And every time he calls me my baby angel.

I always had one all this time. My one and only angel and his name… is Kim Jun Myeon.