Daesung was hitting that high note for Fantastic Baby when he knew something was up. He could feel the taste of metal in his throat, on his tongue. He squatted a little and played with his fans as Seunghyun rapped the famous boom shakalaka. Hold it in, he said to himself, this is the last song for the encore then he could sprawl down anywhere he wanted in the waiting room, or anywhere far from s.

Seungri looked down to the crowd while he danced the routine and had fun. There was a banner among the fans. We don’t want you to go to college! Stay with us :( And, he looked away at that. The truth was he didn’t want to go to college too. Hell, even he knew he was too slow to adjust the life of college boy.

Youngbae didn’t dance. Youngbae didn’t try to get the attention. The past twelve years were all about him trying to show his best dance moves. Tonight, he wanted it to be his other members’ night. He wanted them to have a lot of fun. He wouldn’t snatch away the spotlights. Beside, he had to save some energy for an early morning flight a day after the concert. No one knew where he was going.

Seunghyun smiled. He talked a lot during the concert. He said sweet words, most of them were a bit melancholic, but they didn’t mind. He wanted them to remember him as the bingu Seunghyun, as the oldest of the group who loved s so dearly. He wanted the fans to remember him as that one stupid guy who made them happy on stage and he wanted the other members to remember him as a big brother.

Jiyong closed his eyes and twirled around like a ballerina. He heard the catchy laugh of Daesung, he felt Seungri’s hand on his teasingly, he felt Youngbae’s arms circled his shoulders protectively, and he could hear Seunghyun tried an old joke about how feminine our Jiyong was. He heard the cheering of the crowd as Daesung and Seunghyun came to join the group hug. As he opened his eyes and the five of them lined up next to each other, only them against the world. He knew that feeling like the first time they stood on the big stage. They were so proud of them all.

They bowed deeply, expressing as much as thankfulness to the fans. Seoul had been awesome. VIPs were the best. This was the last night, the last journey of five men who grew up from spoiled teen idols to gentlemen with the taste of fashion and brotherhood. Twelve wonderful years. No more BIGBANG after tonight.

“I love you, VIPs!” Seunghyun said to the microphone. He held up a peace sign up in the air and threw his gaze as far as he could, looked to even the farthest fans that stood in this huge indoor room, being sensitive and all.

Jiyong was getting ready to say the last closing words for the night, for these past twelve years with ups and downs which most of them were crazy. “We’re BIG…”

“BANG!” the five of them said and the crowd went crazy for them as they waved for a really long time before going behind the curtain.

But, this is our dream! Seungri once said the night the five of them decided to stop. Just stop. They had it enough. It was a wonderful dynamic journey and it was time to lay low.

Disbanding BIGBANG doesn’t mean we stop living our dream, maknae-yah, Youngbae wisely replied.

Daesung clasped his hands together and sighed as Seungri sadly said, “I want to live it with you guys,” and then the maknae left the room. Jiyong had never felt so helpless like that night. Seunghyun promised himself to never ever get so attached to a group of people, didn’t matter how much he loved them.

Jiyong was the first one to find Daesung’s bed empty in the morning after their last concert. He never mentioned about his plan after they disbanded. Jiyong stood there, near the edge of Daesung’s table with a small lamp and books. His stuffs were there, just like he never went anywhere far.

Jiyong remembered that he laughed when Daesung decorated the room like he would actually live there when the truth was they would be going back and forth and they would only need a place to sleep, not a place to really stay. It was their tenth dorm for the first eight years of their career. During the transition years, the first dorm had three rooms filled with five people, the third until sixth dorm had five rooms for five people, and on the tenth dorm they decided to choose a really huge apartment with four rooms for two people who consistently remained. Daesung was all smiles when he decorated this room because he knew that would be the last time he decorated his room.

There was a knock on the slightly opened door. Jiyong turned around and watched as Youngbae was all packed and ready to go. Jiyong smiled brokenly.

“You’re really leaving?” he asked for the hundredth times for the last few weeks.

Youngbae nodded and scanned around the room. “He left already?”

Jiyong shrugged. “Only God knows where he is now,” he said, trying to hold it all back. He was the leader who had to stick everyone right on the places.

Youngbae slid inside the room and hugged the other man. “It’s okay. We’ll be five again someday.”

Seungri knew he was too old for being in college. He was supposed to think about a marriage, a wife and probably a baby. But, he was always so interested in being a CEO one day when he was older, with BIGBANG members by his side. And, there he was, standing in front of the building of his college rooms, a paper on his right hand full of things to do for the callback from the university.

“We don’t want you here! We don’t want you here!”

He turned around and watched some a lot younger students lined up not too far from him. They didn’t come near him. They just stood there with some banners and were yelling words to him. He knew they didn’t mean harm. BIGBANG’s disbandment was so hard to take, not only for the fans, but also for the members and their friends. He wanted to tear up so he looked away.

“Seungri! We need you on stage!”

He left the campus. He thought the university should wait until he was ready. And, he didn’t know when. He probably never would.

Seunghyun sat on the couch. Jiyong was doing something in the kitchen with loud noises; probably throwing things to the sink that Seunghyun didn’t care. Two minutes later, he joined the eldest on the couch.

The dorm was never that quiet before. Although Seunghyun lived most of his free times in his villa and Jiyong was mostly flying from Tokyo to Paris and everywhere in the world and Daesung and Seungri were going back and forth between Japan and South Korea and Youngbae was sometimes away either with Jiyong or to Japan with the maknaes, but it was never quiet. The refrigerator used to be full of post-its with schedules and things to do, or just a line of “Youngbae, I’m taking you to Paris next week. Pack! ^^ -Jiyong” and then someone unanimously would write “I wanna go to Paris too, hyung!”, or “I’m buying you guys dinner at the usual crab restaurant tonight. Be there at 7. Don’t be late –TOP” and someone would commented “so, no gold medal?”, or anything like that. Now, there weren’t any schedules or reminders to take the clothes. It made the refrigerator looked ugly.

“I hate the refrigerator. It’s time to replace it with the new one,” Jiyong said despite the age of the refrigerator was not more than a year yet. His body was lifeless, like he was so tired.

Seunghyun chuckled. “Are you even planning to keep this place?”

Jiyong shrugged. “Probably not.” And, he sat up. “I always hate the color of our wall. A wall is supposed to give you strength when you look at it, isn’t it?” He stood up and walked to the window. “I hate our curtains. We don’t even have a curtain that matches with the color’s of our wall.” He opened the curtain. “And, the scenery is ugly!” He turned around and walked to the couch again as Seunghyun watched him quietly. “We live in 17^th floor. Come on! If the elevator died, it’s killing us!” He threw himself back on the couch. “We should have moved out from years ago.”

Seunghyun laughed. His laugh wasn’t rich like it always was. “Daesung loved this dorm.”

“Then, he shouldn’t have left us to deal with this horrible place.”

Their front door was opened and closed harshly. Jiyong and Seunghyun turned their heads to the main hall and Seungri walked fast through it. He stopped for a while and watched them angrily.

“I feel stupid for going back to college!”

Seunghyun blinked. “Good. Don’t go to college then.”

“Then, what are we going to do?!”

“We can go as trio?” Jiyong said, “You always hated sharing the vocal parts of our songs to Daesung and Youngbae. This time, you can have as much as vocal part in the group.”

“What? Hyung, now you’re being stupid!”

Jiyong nodded. “I know.”

Seungri went to his room and slammed the door harshly.

“That was the stupidest idea that ever came out from your mouth. Even the reason was plain stupid,” Seunghyun commented without looking at him.

Jiyong nodded again. “I’m frustrated.”

“And, it’s only the first day.”

Jiyong looked at Seunghyun. “You’re sleeping here tonight, right?”

Seunghyun smiled. “As long as you keep this place together. I need a place that will always welcome me whenever I need a company. Beside, those two can always come back anytime, you know.”

“Of course.”

In the end, Seungri was paying more attention to his academy. He visited almost everyday. He even pushed Jiyong and Seunghyun to go with him to teach there. They would go because they knew the youngest was hurting the most and by doing what he wanted was their way of embracing him.

Sometimes, Seungri woke up in the morning and felt like dancing. He’d hate going to YG’s practice room because that would feel like the old familiar schedule, only lonelier. So, he went to the academy and danced there with BIGBANG’s song on the background.

Sometimes, he closed his eyes and imagined Youngbae’s maneuver before falling flat on his face at one of their many concerts and the way Daesung’s voice hit the high notes and everything started to get so energetic.

Sometimes, he missed the way they ate dinner together, just the five of them. Against the world.

Jiyong produced and produced and produced. He worked for days and nights. He only came back to the dorm when he got real tired that he knew it was not good anymore or when Seungri called telling him he got lonely or when Seunghyun came to pick him up.

Jiyong learned from BIGBANG’s mistakes to train two groups of trainees and he got hard on the leaders. He didn’t want them to be like him. Although they looked up at him the most, he knew he was not that perfect of a leader. He was far from being a perfect leader.

He was admitted to the hospital one day for being overworked. And, Seunghyun was never that mad in his life.

“You’re insane! I strictly told you to get hold of yourself!” Seunghyun snapped for the first time in years when he got into the hospital room. Seungri was following behind quietly.

Jiyong laid on the bed. He knew it made sense for them to be mad. He just couldn’t care less.

“You told Seungri to take care of himself when you can’t even take care of yourself! You should be ashamed! Now, you make everyone worried! You make the fans worried!” Seunghyun continued and went around the room.

“Hyung, is this your way of making Youngbae hyung and Daesung hyung come back to us? You hope they watch the news and get worried enough to come back, don’t you?” Seungri asked, not accusingly, but enough to make him feeling ashamed.

Seunghyun softened after hearing what Seungri said but he got even more upset. “You should definitely be ashamed of yourself,” and Seunghyun looked away at the same time Jiyong threw his gaze out of the window.

Jiyong closed his eyes. He could hear one of his fans talked to him. Oppa, please, tell them to come back. We miss them so much. And, he promised himself he’d do anything for them to come back.

Seunghyun came back to his villa after months. He found a letter right on the bottom of his mailbox with a stamp from Italy.

Hyung! I finally got the courage to write you a letter. Email is too modern for me right now. Jiyong and Seungri are probably still too emotional to get news from me and I’m as clueless as you guys are about Daesung’s whereabouts.

Do you miss me?

I miss you guys so much I could curse which I didn’t do very often with you guys.

I went around Asia for the last eleven months. I stayed around to visit places for two or three weeks. I even visited the places we had concerts before. You know, just to keep the memories in my mind.

And, yesterday, I arrived in Italy, the first country of Europe. I’m planning to go around Europe for seven to nine months. Wish me luck.

I just want you to know that I’m fine and I miss you guys, like hell. I wish you kept the dorm so I always have a second home to come back beside my parent’s house.

Tell Seungri not to be upset anymore. It’s been almost a year now. He has to move on and grow up. Since we’re not always around anymore to take care of him, he has to take care of himself. Tell him I miss him and I’ll come back someday. We all will reunite again someday. I promise.

Tell Jiyong not to blame himself. It was not his fault that we disbanded. Our time had to come, no matter how much we tried to keep it together. He did a great job as a leader. And, now, it’s okay to cry. I’m sorry I can’t be there to soothe him. You’ll be a great shoulder for him to cry, won’t you?

And, our hyung-ie. You were a great older brother. If Jiyong had one person he listened to, he would not be anyone but you. Thank you for being responsible because you wanted to, not because you had to. We love you. I’m sorry for leaving you alone to handle those two. I’ll come back. I’ll come back with Daesung and we’ll be complete again.

Sorry that it took eleven months for me to say these words. I was always a coward. I love you guys. I’ll come home soon.

Brother that loves you with all of his heart,

Dong Youngbae.