II. DAWN

Is this nothing?

The concept of ‘nothing’ is something our minds cannot grasp. Giving ‘nothing’ a name implicates that it is in fact something, contradicting the meaning we’ve given to the word.

So the boy didn’t wake up to nothing. He woke up in a blank, white, infinite space – perhaps the closest our minds could ever get to ‘nothing’.

His body felt unnaturally heavy, like he’d morphed into some heavy grizzly bear that was about to wake up from a deep hibernation. Terrified that this sudden thought might be of some surprising absurd significance, he jolted upright and inspected his own hands. Pale hands, with bright pink fingernails. Human hands.  His eyes scanned over his arms Apparently he was dressed in a white button-down shirt. Human arms in a human shirt.

Despite his observations, the boy couldn’t seem to shake his nerves. He jumped up to his feet and looked around. The space was still white, empty. As close to ‘nothing’ as it gets.

Am I dead?

“Hello?” he yelled, his voice coming out cracked. “Hello? Anybody?”

His words were left unanswered. The sound of his voice didn’t even echo. It just travelled through the space, reaching nothing or nobody.

Then, he began to panic.

His pulse accelerated as he anxiously started touching his face, his mouth, his hands, his legs. Everything felt normal, yet nothing appeared to be. His eyes felt like they were popping out of their sockets. A deafening ring swelled up in his ears.

“Somebody? Help me- I need help!! HELP!!!!”

His words vanished in the distance like they had before.

“! !!!”

He needed to stop screaming. It was pointless, since there was no one to listen to them.

What if I haven’t woken up? What if I’m dreaming?

The boy desperately tried to recall how where he’d been before, and how he’d entered the white space. But he couldn’t seem to remember any of it – like the empty area represented the memories he couldn’t retrieve. The memories he didn’t seem to have.

Then, out of the blue, the boy remembered a vital piece of information he’d read long ago.

“I need a mirror,” he said to himself. Our reflections never look the same in our dreams, therefore, when you’re not sure if you’re awake or not, it’s important to locate a mirror or something.

He yelped in astonishment when he realized that an impossibly large mirror suddenly appeared in front of him. It seemed suspicious. He hesitated for a moment, afraid of looking at the imposing object closely. The boy closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and decided to face his fears. He took a few steps towards his reflection and started inspecting himself from head to toe.

He wasn’t looking at a grizzly bear. He was looking into a pair of deep brown eyes – his own two eyes. The reflection didn’t transform into weird psychedelic images; it remained the same. His reflection showed a short, pale boy, with heart-shaped lips and a narrow physique, wearing a white button-down shirt and a white pair of trousers. His feet were bare and looked awkward, like they always did. He was still Kyungsoo.

The realism of his reflection confused him even more. If I’m not dreaming… then what is happening?

The mirror seemed to read his thoughts. In the blink of an eye, it shattered to pieces, falling onto the white floor. Kyungsoo gasped as he stared at the shimmering fragments on the floor. His breath stocked in his throat as he witnessed what had been lying behind the mirror. Better yet, who had been lying there.

The moment he saw the motionless figure, dressed in similar attire, lying in the distance, his hesitance evaporated. He sprinted off towards the body, imperceptive of the shard of glass that cut into the sole of his foot in the process. His mind was set on one thought only.

Please Jongin. Don’t be dead.

Please.

As soon as he reached Jongin’s side, Kyungsoo dropped onto his knees and started shaking the boy.

“Jongin! JONGIN!”

The tears welled up in his eyes, dripping onto Jongin’s body and dampening his clothes. Kyungsoo wanted to yell more, but he couldn’t breathe, like a serpent was tightly constricting itself around his neck. He felt his limbs tense up, yet the strength in his body seemed to have disappeared.

Jongin didn’t seem to hear his voice, feel his hands or smell his scent. He showed no signs of life whatsoever.

Devoured by panic and anxiety, Kyungsoo collapsed onto the ground and wrapped his arms around Jongin’s waist, holding him tightly. He couldn’t feel him breathing, he couldn’t hear a heartbeat, yet Jongin’s body felt warm. Perhaps it was his own imagination.

“Please, Jongin. Please. Don’t be dead. You can’t be.”

All at once, as his tears dripped onto the floor, Kyungsoo comprehended the substantial profoundness of the word ‘nothing’. 

Kyungsoo felt exceptionally well rested when he came back to his senses. Apparently he’d fallen asleep, though there was no way of telling how much time had passed exactly. Perhaps it didn’t really matter. With his eyes still shut tightly, he yawned and rolled over – only to fall onto the ground below.

The perplexed boy sprung awake. “Wha- Where…”

“Oh hey! You’re awake!” someone yelled from afar.

Kyungsoo scanned the white space he had woken up in, and finally managed to spot an approaching figure in the distance.

“Jongin?”

“Yeah yeah,” the silhouette panted from afar. “Hold up, I’m kinda far off!”

While Jongin sprinted towards him, Kyungsoo inspected the hammock he’d just fallen out of. It hadn’t been there before, had it? So where did it come from?

He also saw the shattered pieces of mirror laying the exact same way he’d left them, and a faint trail of blood leading his way. , Kyungsoo mentally cursed as he inspected the soles of his feet. He’d gotten several deep cuts, but to his astonishment, they’d meticulously been bandaged with white gauze and Elastoplast.

As soon as Jongin reached Kyungsoo’s side, he fell onto his knees and flung his arms around his hyung’s neck.

“I’m so glad to see you here,” he mumbled into Kyungsoo’s neck. “I didn’t want to wake you so…”

He stopped talking when he noticed Kyungsoo’s immobility. Jongin retracted his arms and gave the pale boy a shy stare. “I-Is something wrong, hyung?”

Kyungsoo kept his eyes fixed on the white ground they were sitting on. His bottom lip trembled with fury. “I thought you were dead, Jongin.”

“Wha- No! Of course not!” he laughed. “Don’t be ridiculous, hyung!”

“Stop calling me that.”

Disheartened by Kyungsoo’s cold greeting, Jongin uncomfortably shifted backwards, keeping more space between them.

The older boy silently continued to inspect the pristine white floor beneath them.

Struggling to hold back his tears, Jongin bit his lip. “…D-Don’t you remember me, Kyungsoo?”

“I do.”

“So you do know who I am and stuff-”

“I just said so, didn’t I?!” Kyungsoo snarled.

“You did,” Jongin quietly muttered. “…You did.”

The two shared a long, uncomfortable silence. Kyungsoo had no intention of breaking it – he knew that if he’d speak up first, all hell would break loose.

As if it hadn’t already.

Jongin seemed to be taking a different approach.

“So… this place is pretty weird, huh?”

Kyungsoo remained wordless.

“It’s different, that’s for sure,” Jongin continued, eager to initiate some sort of dialogue. “Not at all what I expected.”

“What did you expect, Jongin?” Kyungsoo suddenly snapped, glaring straight into Jongin’s eyes.

“H-Huh?”

“I don’t know what the you did this time, but I’m sick and tired of you going behind my back and deceiving me.”

Jongin’s eyes widened. “I-I… I didn’t…”

“Oh, you didn’t?” Kyungsoo sarcastically asked. “Then how did we end up here, huh? Because it sure as hell wasn’t me who got us stranded here!”

“Hyung, please…”

“NO!” Kyungsoo roared, sending a shiver through Jongin’s body. “Don’t you dare call me that! This is all your fault, I didn’t sign up for this crap!”

Jongin swiftly brushed a tear off his cheek. “Let me explain, please, let me explain...”

“No, I don’t want to hear any- LET GO!”

Kyungsoo continued to protest as he tried to free himself from Jongin’s sudden grip. The taller boy had grasped his wrists in an attempt to calm him down. It felt like he’d been handcuffed.

“Get away from me! Jongin!”

“No.”

“Let me go!” Kyungsoo fidgeted. “Your stupid tears are spilling into my lap! Stop!”

Jongin resolutely kept his hold on Kyungsoo’s arms. “Those are your tears, not mine.”

The short boy froze as he looked down. Jongin was right. He had been crying as well.

Feeling powerless, Kyungsoo stopped squirming around.

Jongin hesitantly loosened his grip and dug his hands into the pockets of his white trousers.

“I-I… I thought you were dead,” Kyungsoo whispered.

Jongin shook his head. “I’m not dead. At least, I don’t think so. If I’m dead, you’re dead too.”

“I’m… n-not dead.”

“Then neither am I,” Jongin said. Careful not to scare him off again, he placed a hand onto Kyungsoo’s cheek as slowly as possible. Kyungsoo didn’t resist.

Jongin flashed a brief smile as he gently started wiping the teardrops away. To his great surprise Kyungsoo mirrored his actions, drying Jongin’s face in a similar fashion.

“Tell me what happened, Jongin,” he breathed. “I deserve to know.”

“Well, I woke up and you were still asleep. And your feet were bleeding so I bandaged them and then I thought I’d put you in a hammock or something cause the floor’s kinda hard-”

“No, before that,” Kyungsoo said. “Tell me everything.”

Jongin followed Kyungsoo’s orders, explaining everything that had happened since their last meeting in the city. Apparently he’d had the chance to escape from Geonggang, but ran back to Kyungsoo’s room, only to willingly instigate a serious case of alcohol poisoning. Kyungsoo had a difficult time believing the absurd story, but decided he didn’t really have a choice.

“I’m not sure whether I find this whole thing incredibly clever or incredibly stupid.”

Jongin crossed his legs. “A bit of both, I suppose,” he shrugged.

“I…” Kyungsoo sighed. “I don’t know you at all.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… I can’t comprehend the motives behind your actions.” Kyungsoo’s dark eyebrows pulled into a puzzled frown. “Who in their right mind would ever do something as drastic as this?”

“I don’t know I just-”

“You’ve done the exact thing I never wanted you to do,” Kyungsoo continued. “I told you not to get too involved, and here we are. I pulled you into this mess… my mess.”

“It’s not a mess.”

“Yes it is. You had a life out there and you just threw that away. Being in a coma isn’t as desirable as you’re making it sound.”

“Hey. Hey! Look at me.” Jongin placed a finger on Kyungsoo’s chin, raising his head up to face him. “Remember that time before everything turned bad?”

“You mean before I introduced myself to you?”

“No, you nitwit. I mean, before I decided to set my old mind palace ablaze.”

Kyungsoo let out another deep sigh. “Well, what about it?”

“I was scared, and you told me we could… fall together.”

“Yeah but-”

“No buts,” Jongin sternly said. “We made a pact, and I let you down that night. I never meant to, but I did, and it still eats me up inside. That’s why I stand behind my decision. This is weird, yes, but it’s what’s right.”

Kyungsoo shook his head. “It’s not, it’s-”

“It is. You and I are equal, so we should be able to live as such.”

Kyungsoo’s cheeks flushed pink as he felt Jongin’s hand take hold of his own. Jongin’s hand felt a bit rough, but warm.

“If you fall, I fall with you,” Jongin said. “And if I fall, you fall with me. Got that?”

“Jongin. You could’ve died,” Kyungsoo protested. “You almost did.”

“Well if I die, what happens?”

“I’d be so upset that I would kill you,” Kyungsoo mumbled.

“No that’s not it,” Jongin chuckled. “Come on, hyung. It’s not that hard. If I die…”

“…I die with you.”

A wide grin appeared on Jongin’s face. “There you go!”

“How-”

“If I stay here, Kyungsoo. What happens if I stay here?”

“We’re not doing this.”

Jongin gave his hand a light squeeze. “Come on! I need you to say it. If I stay here…”

Kyungsoo sighed. “If you stay here, I stay here with you.”

“What if I started building all kinds of stuff here by myself? That wouldn’t be fair, would it? So if I start building…”

“I start building with you.”

Jongin cackled in excitement. “If I have dinner…”

“I have dinner with you.”

“If I want to sleep?”

“I want to sleep with you. Wait- no! No!!” Kyungsoo’s face turned red as a cherry. “That’s not what I meant to say! You tricked me!”

Jongin quickly let go of Kyungsoo’s hand and jumped up, making sure that the boy was at a safe distance. His body folded in half as he let out a rush of laughter.

“You cheeky little brat!” Kyungsoo screamed as he got up as well, eager to get his revenge.

Jongin began to run around in circles. “I didn’t trick you, you said that yourself!”

“Not true!”

“Kyungsoo’s a ert, Kyungsoo’s a ert!” he chanted.

The flustered boy jumped onto Jongin’s back, causing both of them to topple back onto the floor.

“Get off me, you ert!”

“I’m not a ert!” Kyungsoo protested as he started tickling a defenceless Jongin. But the laughter proved to be contagious, and soon enough the two were rolling on the floor, struggling to breathe amidst all the giggling.

After the two had managed to come back to their senses, they spent a few good hours remodelling their new surroundings. It took a while for them to get familiar with the new laws of physics that applied to this new world – apparently, the only law was that there were no laws here. Everything was up to them. This might be a scary idea to most of us, but Jongin and Kyungsoo quickly discovered the endless possibilities they had suddenly acquired.

The best part of it all was that both of them were working in the same context.

Jongin suggested calling the new world ‘Canvas’, but Kyungsoo was convinced giving it a name would be 'lame'. Jongin said he kind of agreed with that so they dropped the idea altogether. It wasn’t necessarily a bad name though. This world did resemble an empty canvas after all, waiting to be coated with creativity. It was like being in a mind palace, but both of them had the power to direct this time. Jongin held a colourful paintbrush in his hands, Kyungsoo worked with a set of graphite pencils in all shapes and sizes.

They worked for hours and hours. While discussing what the sky would have to look like, Jongin insisted on rain, whereas Kyungsoo argued that sunshine was more convenient. They bickered every once in a while, but always managed to find a solution. The white floor was transformed into a massive raincloud – that way, Jongin would still be able to hear and smell rain while the sun had enough freedom to warm them up from above. The sky around them had all sorts of gradients, coloured from blue to yellow, grey and pink.

Clouds of all shapes and sizes floated around them, but the main cloud they were based on was by far the largest one. Jongin suggested building a white cathedral for a house – “kinda like the Notre Dame but not so scary” – so that’s what they did. Kyungsoo put a great amount of effort into designing intricate patterns in the windows, while Jongin took the opportunity to create a giant fort made of mattresses and white linen in the middle. They grew a wide variety of plants and even a few trees in and around the building, turning it into a surrealistic botanical garden.

Time flew by, and soon enough a new moon appeared above their heads. While Kyungsoo sang along to a few tunes he’d pre-set into the new sound-system, Jongin excused himself and hopped off to one of the smaller clouds nearby. Kyungsoo felt his eyelids getting heavy and, with a warm feeling in his chest, dozed off in the armchair he had been resting in.

“Hyung! Wake up!”

As he felt Jongin nudging his shoulder, Kyungsoo slowly opened his eyes back up. It was night-time, but the stars in the cosmos above emitted enough light to illuminate their surroundings. Kyungsoo took the opportunity to look around and admire the hard work they’d put into the construction. It looked majestic and homelike at the same time. It looked beautiful.

“No time to waste, I need to show you something!” Jongin said as he pulled Kyungsoo out of the chair and onto his feet. “It’s two clouds away, we should be there in two minutes.”

“What did you do this time?” Kyungsoo joked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Just trust me on this one,” Jongin replied as he led the way.

Seven minutes later, the boys arrived at the cloud of destination. It was a bit higher up, so Kyungsoo couldn’t make out what was standing on it exactly.

“Is that a wall?” he asked.

“Yes, it is,” Jongin nodded. “In case you were wondering, I made four.”

They reached a wooden ladder and Jongin began climbing up. “Wait down there, okay? I’ll call you when I’m finished. No peeking!”

“Fine.” Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. He wasn’t too fond of Jongin’s surprises, but he didn’t want to spoil his excitement.

“Almost done!” Jongin yelled.

Kyungsoo slowly climbed up the ladder. He was about to peek when Jongin leaned over the edge of the cottony cloud. “Busted!”

Caught in the middle of the act, Kyungsoo’s eyes widened. “Sorry I jus-”

“I know, I know. Hard to contain your curiosity when I’m involved,” Jongin gloated. He reached out his hands, helping Kyungsoo up.

Kyungsoo felt his heart stop as he realized what Jongin had secretly been working on.

The wall he’d spotted was part of an exact replica of ‘Rome’, the unfinished room he’d built on top of a hill in his mind palace all those years ago.

“Like it?” Jongin asked.

At a loss for words, Kyungsoo started stammering. “Is this- but… why… how did you-”

“We all get a little homesick sometimes, don’t we?” Jongin laughed as he walked over to the door. “Wait till you see the inside.”

Kyungsoo hesitantly followed behind. “Why, what’s inside?”

His mouth fell open when he stepped inside of ‘Rome’. Whereas the outside was bare and plain like he’d designed it, the interior was the complete opposite. The room was well decorated, furnished with mahogany tables and chairs, framed illustrations on the wall (clearly drawn by Jongin), and a tall wooden counter at the end.

“This… this is…”

“This is the coffee shop.” Jongin paraded across the room with pride. “It’s exactly the same – except for the ceiling. No point in having a roof when there’s no rain falling from above. And the stars look nice so I thought-”

His words were abruptly interrupted by a tender peck on the lips.

Standing on his tippy toes, Kyungsoo gave him a musing smile. “Thank you,” he whispered, leaving Jongin flabbergasted. “It’s perfect.”

While the younger boy speechlessly stared at him, Kyungsoo casually walked over to the counter and started heating up the coffee machine. “May I take your order, sir?”

Jongin returned his smile with a shy one of his own. “Eh… I’ll have esp-p-p-presso.”

“One esp-p-p-presso coming up,” Kyungsoo teased.

The two spent a good deal of the evening sitting by the counter, sipping espressos and cappuccinos until their stomachs rumbled around. The air was quiet, the stars were bright and the sound of rain faintly resonated from below.

 “You know?” Kyungsoo asked as he fumbled around with his empty mug.

“Know what?

Kyungsoo noiselessly stared into Jongin’s eyes for quite a while.

“I used to count the days, though they seemed infinite.”

A few subtle wrinkles creased Jongin’s forehead.

“I never felt the urge to bring myself any closer to death than I needed to be, but those final moment were something I used to dream of.” Kyungsoo exhaled deeply.

“That makes me… a bit sad.”

“Yeah, well… no. I mean- I don’t know what happens exactly, after you let out your last breath. Perhaps it’s dark, and maybe even a little painful. But I’m sure that moment would exceed practically every other life experience. I’m sure it’s celestial. Like being spellbound.”

“Like being born?”

Kyungsoo’s expression appeared surprisingly soft, like silk. “Yes, but better.”

“Kyungsoo…” The tall boy tilted his head. “Do you feel like… like you’ve died?”

“No,” he replied, “this is even better than that.”

Kyungsoo grabbed a hold of Jongin’s hand. “This is something that I’m sure no one else has ever been privileged to experience.”

Jongin focused on his hyung’s dilated eyes, eyes that looked richer than he’d ever seen them before.

“This transcends a simple reawakening, I can feel it. I’ve been born again.” 

A/N:

This is probably the millionth author's note in which I apologize for the immense delay. I've been having some family issues and I just wrapped up the most hectic semester I've ever had - I thought about writing every day but the words wouldn't come out. Thanks for putting up with my antics OTL 

Endings are always the hardest part for me to write. I hope my conclusion lived up to your expectations! I decided to cover the aftermath of Jongin's previous decision from two different points of view, just to give you some more insight on not only Jongin and Kyungsoo's future, but that of the others as well, including the 'unknown woman in the hallway'. Couldn't help myself with that one ;)

I'm extremely grateful to all of you, I feel like I can't emphasize that enough! I feel honoured to have such great readers >///< 

♥ pominizz ♥

ps. ....Eh yeah since I didn't want to clog up the bottom of this chapter, I wrote a final Author's Note in 'Chapter' 20. Just my way of saying thank you in a more personal way ^^ 

pps. CALL ME BABY IS LIFE