Dear diary,

Today, Jongin and I went out to bond a little. I was actually really surprised that he asked me out for today, considering that we're not seeing each other quite frequently over the past weeks. I am glad to know that he seems fine and alright too; that certain spark of life in his eyes present again as he smiled at me in my doorstep this morning.

We never really got the chance to bond like this again, and our casual meet ups in between classes and periods in university was never enough for me either. So when he asked me out this morning, I didn't even think twice about it. I'm really happy for everything that happened today.

It wasn't something special too to be honest, but I am still more than glad to spend time with the one I love. We just ate on our favorite fast food restaurant, hit the arcades and wasted our money on playing different games, and took a stroll on the park and ate ice creams while sitting on the grassy fields.

We talked about random stuffs like his friends from his other classes and about the TV series he's been watching every night. Jongin has always been this comfortable and laid back around me, considering that I am the only person who knows almost everything about him.

Things that he'll never tell to other people, things that he's too scared to admit himself, things he had always kept a secret; he always tell them to me. He keeps me like a treasure chest full of gold and silver, not letting anyone else see the treasure he hid and kept inside of me.

I think it's safe to say that I know him more than any other people do. He's like a memorized sentence for me that I keep on repeating in my mind like a mantra. I know him too well. I know all of his favorite songs, all of his favorite foods, all of his favorite jokes and all of his favorite shirts…

And I know he has his mother’s lips and his father’s eyes; his sisters were as beautiful as him and he loves them so much; he's born on the 14th and he loves fireflies.

I know his favorite color’s pink. Though he’ll never admit it and say it’s black, I knew him for so long to know that it was never black. It never fails to amuse me how shy he gets whenever I about it.

I know he loves dancing as much as he loves summer nights and chocolate-flavored ice creams. He’ll never admit and show it to other people, but I know he dances very well and I’m thankful he’s letting me in on his little secret.

I know his greatest fear is the ocean. He’s scared with water, or with drowning to be more specific, but he’s keeping it a secret because he believes it’s not a very manly thing to tell people. I almost kissed him breathless after he told me that.

I know he likes to argue; loves proving his point no matter how dumb and unreasonable they were. At first it was a difficult thing to deal with, but loving him proved to be easier so it was never an issue for me.

I know he has two puppies that he treats like his own children. He's like a little kid that gets excited and rolls over the floor to cuddle with them. People from university never knew this side of him, but I do, and I'd like to think that it's because I am special for him too.

I know, behind all of his mischievous smirks and manly gazes, is a childish boy with countless colors dancing in his eyes. He’s too shy and embarrassed to tell people things, too conscious to act naturally and show his true colors. For me, it just makes him even more adorable. It makes me want to take care of him more, comfort him more, and love him more.

I know a lot more things about him; things that even he himself is unaware of, things that even his parents didn't know, things that only I know.

And sometimes, whenever I think about it, guilt hits me like arrows through my heart whenever I remember how open he was to me while I keep things from him. He always shows me his true self--his true colors, while there I was smiling and laughing at him like the monochromatic black and white that I had always been when he's in front of me.

It's not that I was never open to him. It's just that I hide something great from him, something that scares me and makes me think of losing him whenever I think about it.

People had grown very curious about our closeness too, they wondered a lot how a nerdy looking boy like me is close with a dashing and popular guy like him. They often ask me things about him, about the Kim Jongin with y smirks and stature of a gentleman. They would often ask me about the mysteries he cloud himself with, and I would always find myself denying them of an answer, of course.

I wanted to keep whatever it is that Jongin and I have, so whenever someone asks me if I love him, I lie.

I fell helplessly in love with him--with my best friend, and I desperately hide it and keep it from him.

Today, I almost had my chance to confess to him, but I let it pass. It's been a while since he broke off with Luhan. It must be like... I don't know, three weeks? 3 and a half?

And through all those times that he's been devastated, I tried comforting him and helping him move on. Slowly, I tried showing him a different side of me, like a different shade of color aside from the usual blacks and whites that never had sparks to him. I think it's better to say that I've been slowly trying to open to him, to show him that I love him and that I can also be the one for him, like how Luhan loved him and how he loved him in return. I wanted to show him that it wasn't Luhan that made it deep into his heart, but me.

I mean, no one knows Jongin the same amount that I know him. We grew up together, we hang out together, and we simply just became inseparable; like we complement and complete each other. A friendship as pure and real as ours is a very good foundation for a relationship already, right?

However, it seems like I only made myself hopeful for something that will really never happen. I realized that today, when we were sitting by the park looking at random children playing and just simply talking nonsense. He suddenly said something that really caught my attention. “I’ll never fall in love again,” he said, eyes bearing a certain pain in it, as if he meant every single word he uttered.

So I just laughed, ruffled his hair playfully, joked about it being impossible since he has lots of people swooning over him (myself included, but of course I didn’t say that), and hoped with all my heart that he wasn’t serious. He just shot me a look of painful smiles and half lidded eyes in return though, and that's when realization hit me.

He said he’s tired, he said he’s done with people, he said he won’t let others get into him as much as how Luhan pierced himself into his heart deeply. He said he’ll never fall in love again.

Initially, I wanted to protest. I wanted to tell him how stupid he was for thinking that other people aren’t in his heart as deep as Luhan did. I wanted to slap him and tell him to stop being blind, to tell him about the boy that looks at him as if he was the most precious of stars. I wanted to tell him that it was never Luhan who made it deeply inside his heart but me. I wanted to tell him that it’s been me all this time, and that he should stop seeing things in black and white and start seeing me with the colors I knew I have but never got the chance to show him.

But I remained quiet and never voiced anything out, because I know, deep inside my heart, that it's my own fault too why Jongin can't see me any differently. I hid my feelings for him too strongly, never let him suspect even a tiny speck of chance that I might actually fall for him. Jongin closed whatever chances and opportunities with me, probably fended off all sorts of intimate chances with me because that's what I habitually showed him.

That moment back there was my chance to confess though, but I chose to let it pass. He stood up and turned his back on me as if he’s leaving, saying we should go and leave the park already. My heart said, “Don’t turn you’re back on me…” but my lips said, “Okay, let’s go!”

Back then I realized I don’t want to spoil and ruin whatever kind of perfect friendship we have. I realized I can just keep being the color white in all of his blacks and the color black in all of his whites. We can keep living in a monochromatic world despite all the colors I know I can burst for him.

I can keep being his normal black and white, even though I know his favorite color is pink and I would very much love to be the color of pink, so he can notice me and see me differently. I don’t know if I can still offer him the palette of colors and life within me, but I know I’ll never leave his side through thick and thin.

Because I love him like how he loves dancing and summer nights and chocolate ice creams, I fear of losing him like his fear of the ocean and of drowning, I wanna take care of him the same amount he cares and loves his puppies, I wanna keep being his friend whom he talks with every night, who’d laugh with him whenever he’s happy and who’d cry for him whenever he's sad.

I wanna keep being the best friend that knows every single secret he have, and I fear of telling him the truth like the secretive Jongin he had always been.

He tries his best to hide a lot of things from people. I try my best to hide and not see the side of me wishing he was mine.

So if someone asks me if I love him, I’d lie.

It's going to be one of the things that only I know about.