Kyungsoo watched as light started to fill the canvas before him. Yellow and orange hues lit up his face as the sun rose over the horizon. He couldn't really remember how many sunrises he had watched but he remembered the very first one. It was the first day of his birth and of Jongin's, he had gotten his wings, and came down to earth to watch over his very own soul. Jongin was the first human Kyungsoo had ever laid eyes on and was also the most beautiful.

Kyungsoo turned from the window to watch a still sleeping Jongin, his chest rising and falling, eyes moving under his eyelids, small snores coming from his mouth. His hand suddenly moved, pulling the edge of his shirt up over his hip, exposing his soft tan skin. Kyungsoo stared at it, swallowing a lump in his throat. He closed his eyes and turned back to the sun that was still rising.

Being what he was had to be the loneliest life in existence. Even though he technically didn't exist or live. He was a spirit, a soul, a piece of consciousness, but that was all. He could not be in love with anyone. He could hate no one. He was a messenger of God, an angel of the Lord. But he didn't feel like one.

Even though he was supposed to remain indifferent, ignorant, and unbiased, he couldn't help but have deep thoughts and feelings; flaws, alike a human would. He didn't know what this meant. He prayed and prayed for God to tell him, to give him answers but there was no answer. His bones, or lack thereof, were aching for he was unsure of God's path that was laid out for him.

And this was all because of the ping in his stomach whenever he looked at Jongin. He felt an overwhelming amount of emotion, more than he thought he should have for the soul he was supposed to protect. This made him vulnerable, and for him to be vulnerable was to make Jongin the same.

He was in love and that was entirely against his protocol.

Sure, it was his duty to love Jongin but to be in love was against everything the Lord had set for them. His heart ached still, to share his warmth, to touch and also be touched by him, to feel his lips form to the shape of his own, to run his fingers through his hair, and to want to be with him in every sense of the phrase. These were the reasons for why he thought that God had abandoned him and therefore Jongin as well. And he hated himself for it, again another thing that he wasn't supposed to feel, even if it was only himself.

The sound of Jongin's alarm sounded from his bedside table, causing the sleeping boy to stir and his eyebrows to cross. He opened his eyes and pressed the button to silence the annoying sound. His hand slid up his torso and he closed his eyes, falling back to sleep.

Kyungsoo walked over and sat at the edge of Jongin's bed, turning to look at the sleeping boy before him. He wondered how it would feel to have Jongin respond to his touch, how it would feel to know that the tug at his heart was returned, or how it would feel to see Jongin's eyes squint up while smiling and know that it was he who had made it so. Every time he thought about these things though, he could feel the hollowness inside him grow bigger, thicker, almost swallowing him whole.

So Kyungsoo sat back and admired the way the sun hit his bronze skinned boy and made him glow, wondering if God himself created the colors that appeared before him, for he'd never seen anything more beautiful, not even while watching the sun rise.

The alarm sounded again and this time Jongin rubbed his eyes and sat up before silencing it. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed, Kyungsoo watching the whole time. He pushed the bed covers off his legs and brought his feet to the rather cold wooden floor.

A knock came at the door and a boy with a young fresh face looked in, pouting his lips. Jongin turned around, acknowledging his arrival. Baekhyun was Jongin's roommate, his only friend growing up. Together, the pair owned an apartment in Seoul. Kyungsoo liked Baekhyun, for he had only ever been a great friend to Jongin. Kyungsoo had come to know Baekhyun's angel, a tall lanky looking spirit, with a wide smile. Chanyeol had been a comfort to Kyungsoo and also a very good friend.

“Just wanted to make sure you were awake,” Baekhyun told him.

“I am,” Jongin said standing up now, stretching, exposing a bit of skin above his boxers, where Kyungsoo's eyes were now focused.

Baekhyun closed the door and left Jongin to get dressed.

Downstairs, Baekhyun was eating a bowl of cereal, his face looking pale, huge circles under his eyes, hair a mess. Jongin noticed this and breathed a small laugh, pouring himself a helping of the same cereal, seating himself across from Baekhyun.

“I told you not to procrastinate on your paper,” Jongin said before taking in a spoonful.

“I know, I'm stupid,” Baekhyun said running his fingers through his hair. “It's done at least.”

“Done well?” Jongin asked, eyebrows raised.

“Don't care as long as it's done,” Baekhyun said honestly. Kyungsoo was standing back against the wall, giving Chanyeol a look. Chanyeol shrugged.

“God gave man the right to freewill,” Chanyeol said. “There's nothing I can do.”

Kyungsoo smiled a little.

“Just watch him carefully while he's driving,” Kyungsoo said. Chanyeol nodded and turned back to Baekhyun who was now asking Jongin to borrow some money because he spent all of his on food and cheap alcohol.

“Not cheap enough, I guess,” Baekhyun sighed. Jongin laughed at his friend's expense, eyes melting into half-moon shapes, making Kyungsoo's heart melt along with them.

 

~

 

Kyungsoo spent the day as usual, watching Jongin while in class, making sure he was safe during the car ride home, watching him pour over homework while eating, talking to Chanyeol as he watched Baekhyun. This was the life of a guardian angel and this was all it ever was going to be, Kyungsoo thought.

“Do you really think God has left us?” Chanyeol asked Kyungsoo after both boys had fallen asleep.

“I'm not sure he was really there to begin with,” Kyungsoo said reading a book that Jongin had kept on his shelf, a book that he had meant to read but never got around to it.

“What makes you say that?” Chanyeol asked.

Kyungsoo put down the book and looked at Chanyeol who was awaiting an answer.

“I don't feel him, Chanyeol. I haven't felt him since... the day that Jongin was born. The day that I was born. He doesn't answer my prayers, he doesn't give me any answers, or anything. He has forgotten me.”

“And me?” Kyungsoo looked at Chanyeol. Chanyeol still believed in the grace of God. Kyungsoo thought that Chanyeol must believe for the sake of Baekhyun. What was the purpose of protecting a human if there was no gain, no reward for doing what you were created to do? Chanyeol loved Baekhyun, was tied to him, but was he in love with him? If he was Kyungsoo was oblivious to it.

Kyungsoo ignored the question, his attention back on the plot of the book. He heard Chanyeol sigh, a shuffle of him getting up, and footsteps leaving out the door. He did not look up until he had finished the book and it sat once again on the shelf.

Kyungsoo watched the sunrise until the familiar sound of Jongin's alarm sounded.

 

~

 

“Last night I read the Lord's book,” Chanyeol said while Baekhyun and Jongin were watching TV on a Saturday afternoon. “It says in many parts that God will never leave those who believe in him. It says, 'Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord, your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.'”

“Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo said, lifting a hand. “I--”

“No, listen to me, Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol interrupted. “I know you say you do not believe, deep down inside of you, however, I believe that faith is still there. It lives inside of you. You just need to trust in the Lord.”

“You sound like them,” Kyungsoo muttered.

“Them?” Chanyeol repeated, confused.

“Yes, them. The ones who kill in the name of God,”Kyungsoo said his voice raising. “The ones who hate and condemn each other. You search for answers in a book that was written by people who thought of themselves as prophets, yet they write about and murder and that it is wrong for a man to love another man in the way that he should love a woman. A book that is filled with ism and has fueled many wars, killed many men, and destroyed many lives.”

Chanyeol was silent.

“Do not tell me to believe what man has to say about God,” Kyungsoo yelled. “Man knows nothing of God.”

“Kyungsoo, please. Calm down,” Chanyeol said, almost whispered. Kyungsoo clenched his jaw and paced back and forth, with Chanyeol watching him.

After many moments of silence, Chanyeol spoke again, “The Bible is filled with beauty as well. Everything is flawed. You cannot expect man to write a perfect book.”

“No more about the book, Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo told him. “I don't want to talk about this anymore.”

“Why?”

“Because you don't understand,” Kyungsoo uttered, too tired to continue this conversation, his head pounding and his hands shaking.

“What do I not understand?”

“What it is like to be...” Kyungsoo started looking at Jongin who was staring at the screen, his face lit up by the colors that flashed across it.

“In love?” Chanyeol asked. Kyungsoo's eyes flickered to Chanyeol's and then anywhere but. Chanyeol scoffed.

“What?” Kyungsoo asked confused now.

“You think that God has abandoned you because you are in love with Jongin, don't you?”

Kyungsoo said nothing.

“You don't think that I love Byun Baekhyun? You do not think that it pains me to watch over him and not be able to lie beside him and have him feel my warmth as I feel his? To not know me as I know him?” Chanyeol asked looking at Kyungsoo very seriously now.

Kyungsoo swallowed, looking into Chanyeol's eyes, unsure. Chanyeol scoffed again.

“I know you want to be with Jongin,” Chanyeol whispered. “I see it in your eyes. I feel it from within your heart. But you don't accept it, you do not take it in as a gift from God. You do not see Jongin as a gift, just an obligation. You do not love him,” Chanyeol said yelling as Kyungsoo had been.

“You don't know who or what I love,” Kyungsoo spat back.

“I know you do not love God, as you have told me many times. If you do not love God then you do not love Jongin.”

“You read that in the Bible,” Kyungsoo said a knowing smile coming across his face. “Back to that book. You cannot base your life off of a book. Those words only mean something because you let them.”

“Those words mean everything because they were written for the Lord.”

“You are blinded by a silly and petty love for a God that does not exist.”

“I feel sorry for you my friend. And sorry for Jongin who has you for an angel,” Chanyeol said bitterly.

“And I feel sorry for Baekhyun who has an idiot for one as well,” Kyungsoo said turning around and staring out the window.

“At least I am not afraid to say that I am in love with him,” Chanyeol said.

“Who said I'm afraid?” Kyungsoo said turning around but there was no one. Chanyeol who was once standing in the middle of the dining room, had disappeared.

“Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo said looking around. Jongin and Baekhyun erupted in laughter from the program, completely oblivious to Kyungsoo's panic. Kyungsoo walked into every room of Jongin and Baekhyun's small apartment but Chanyeol was nowhere to be found.

He sunk to the floor in Jongin's bedroom, tears starting to fall down his cheeks. He couldn't help but feel like this was yet another punishment sent from God down upon him. His one companion, that he had known since Jongin and Baekhyun had met in school when they were 10, was now gone.

He was really alone now and had he sentenced Baekhyun to the same fate? His angel, his Chanyeol gone. Who was to watch over him now? Was Kyungsoo in charge of two souls now? None of these answers would come to him though, he was sure of that. For they never had.

He looked up, eying a phrase written out in Jongin's handwriting, across the chalkboard that hung on his wall.

“Let all that you do be done in love.”

 

~

 

Every morning was the same. Kyungsoo would watch the sunrise and also Jongin. Sometimes he would watch the sunrise from Baekhyun's room, thinking that he owed it to him and also to Chanyeol, whom he missed.

He wished he would have listened to Chanyeol, instead of writing off everything he had said as nonsense. He wished he could have understood, or at least tried too. He wished he could have him back, loathing the loneliness that overshadowed him, now.

This morning he stayed in Baekhyun's room, for Jongin had a guest in his. A girl. It pained Kyungsoo to know that she was sharing a bed with him, to know that he was giving himself to someone who didn't really love him, someone he also really didn't love. Things would have been different if they had loved each other but the mere fact that they didn't made Kyungsoo sick.

He watched Jongin crumple a piece of paper with her phone number scrawled out on it and throw it into the garbage after she had left the apartment.

Baekhyun saw it too and sighed, giving Jongin a worried look.

 

~

 

“I met someone,” Baekhyun said one afternoon. Kyungsoo looked up, in unison to Jongin. Jongin set down his pen and looked at him over his homework, signaling him to go on. “He's really great, really tall, really funny, in a sort of dorky cute kind of way.”

Jongin smiled. “I'm happy for you,” he said, picking his pen back up and continuing his coursework.

But that was all that Baekhyun said about him, really. Kyungsoo knew this was because he felt guilty for being happy with someone when Jongin was not. Jongin hadn't really been in a relationship with anyone, not a guy or girl had really captured his heart. Kyungsoo knew he felt lonely and longed to feel a connection with someone.

If only that connection could be with him.

 

~

 

“Have you ever met someone and felt like you had known them all along?” Baekhyun asked Jongin one day over dinner. Jongin looked up from his soup.

“Uh, no,” Jongin said. “Have you?”

“I dunno,” Baekhyun said trying to figure out the best way to phrase what he was thinking. “I just feel comfortable, like there's something so right about being with him.”

“Are you in love with this boy?” Jongin said, putting down his bowl and smiling wide. Baekhyun's expression lit up, his eyes sparkled, and his lips turned into a huge grin.

“I could be, I don't know,” he said avoiding Jongin's knowing stare.

“Baekhyunnie's in love,” Jongin taunted. “I'd never thought I'd see the day.”

“Neither did I,” Baekhyun spoke softly.

“So you admit it?”

“I have no idea what you're talking about.”

 

~

 

The days passed slowly, it seemed. Without Chanyeol to talk to or to seek comfort in, the days kind of melted into one another. Now it had become that Kyungsoo's only motivation to continue on was for that of Jongin and Baekhyun.

But now Baekhyun had been spending a lot of time with his new found love, leaving Jongin with endless nights alone to fill his bed with random strangers. Even though it pained Kyungsoo to see them enter and leave his bed so much, he stayed, watching the sunrise and wishing that Chanyeol had been right about God so he didn't feel so alone.

Kyungsoo poured over the Bible constantly now, looking for answers, looking for guidance or something so he could feel whole again. But nothing helped and it just made him angrier, wishing for Chanyeol back, wishing to lay down with Jongin alike so many others did, except he wished to enter Jongin's heart in the same way he had Kyungsoo's.

Kyungsoo now watched the sunset with a heavy heart and countless tears forming at the edges of his eyes, pooling over, and sliding down his cheek, for he had never felt so lost in his whole life.

 

~

 

On one not so special morning, it had been raining heavily. Baekhyun had spent the night at his boyfriend's, giving Jongin the car free to drive to and fro as he pleased. Kyungsoo sat in the passenger's seat, looking out the window watching the rain slide down the glass, counting the drops, and listening to Jongin's voice as he sang along to a song on the radio.

For the split second that Kyungsoo closed his eyes to blink, he was removed from the car, standing now on the side of the road. Time slowed as he watched as a small animal walk out onto the road. Jongin had seen it, Kyungsoo was sure of it, because the car swerved. He watched as it drove aimlessly, out of control, colliding head on with a tree.

And Kyungsoo standing off to the side of the road powerless to stop it.

His legs momentarily stopped working and he felt his heart beat wildly inside his chest, rain still pouring down around him. When he felt movement in them again he ran to the car, Jongin inside, forehead bloody, eyes closed. Kyungsoo screamed, his emotions bursting out. He pulled Jongin's seemingly lifeless body out of the car and on to the mud filled grass.

“Jongin,” he pleaded. “Please don't die.”

Kyungsoo placed his hand on the side of Jongin's cheek. Tears fell from his face, onto Jongin's face that was growing more pale by the second, but one couldn't make them out through the rain.

“Don't die,” Kyungsoo whispered, holding Jongin close. “I need you. I need you and I love you. I love you so much.”

He leaned down and with closed eyes, he kissed Jongin softly.

 

When Kyungsoo opened his eyes next he was in a hospital room. A steady beep sounded from a machine and the aroma of hand sanitizer and fresh laundry filled his nose. He looked over to see Jongin, eyes closed, and his chest rising and falling.

“I hear you don't believe in me,” said a voice from behind him. A tall man, with blonde hair, and wide shoulders, stood with a smug grin.

Kyungsoo opened his mouth to speak but the man held up a hand.

“It's okay, a lot of people don't,” he said walking over to the table to the right of Jongin's bed where an assortment of flowers was placed. He smelled one and then read a card that was to the front of its vase.

“You're God?” Kyungsoo asked.

“What? Are you disappointed?” God asked.

“I just thought you'd look different.”

“How would you prefer me to look?” said a woman's voice. Kyungsoo was now looking at a small petite woman with long brown hair and huge eyes, layered with long eyelashes. “I come in many forms.”

Kyungsoo stood speechless. He was now in the presence of God, the person he'd been praying to for answers to his many questions, and now he wasn't really sure of what to say. He looked to Jongin who was still and unmoving from his place.

“Is he going to be okay?” Kyungsoo asked.

“That depends,” She said.

“On what?”

“On you, of course.”

Kyungsoo stood confused. She laughed, heading over to read another card.

“I don't understand,” Kyungsoo said walking to Jongin's side.

“For a person who thinks they have a lot figured out, you have very little understanding of anything, don't you?” She said looking to him. She waited for him to speak but he didn't.

“What do you want Kyungsoo?”

He looked to her, her eyes flickering back, and forth between his.

“Nothing,” Kyungsoo admitted. “Just for Jongin to be safe.”

“But you were not happy just watching over him. Why is that?”

“Because I wanted to be with him.”

“Ah, so you do want something,” she said with a small smile. “Those desires, deep inside your heart, shouldn't be forgotten, Kyungsoo. They matter, they're important.”

“Why?” he asked looking to Jongin again.

“Because you are no less important than the grass that grows on the ground or the things that walk across it.”

Kyungsoo was silent. He supposed that God was right because he was talking to the creator of the universe, but he didn't feel important. He felt more than just unimportant too; he felt as though his existence or lack thereof would have given the world a better chance to thrive if he had not been in it. He felt as though Jongin would have been a better person if he had had a different, better angel there to guide him.

“Kyungsoo,” the woman who called herself God said softly. “I made you with the specific purpose of being to complement Jongin. What some would refer to as Twin Flames, I suppose. You are, in simpler terms, two parts of one whole; soul mates. You have entered this world together and will leave it just the same.”

“But I do not exist.”

“Not without Jongin you don't, and he doesn't without you either. You see? Neither one of you is more important. I guess the question to be asked now is: are you in love with him?”

Kyungsoo looked to her, his eyes blinking rapidly, nervous to answer. What would happen if he did? Weren't angels not supposed to be in love with their souls? He swallowed hard and sighed, looking back again to Jongin.

“To be honest, I always have been.”

 

Kyungsoo opened his eyes to see a great body of water before him. He looked down to see a pair of feet-- his feet, dusted with sand. He had just been thinking that he hadn't read a book in a while and he should stop at the library on the way home from dropping Chanyeol and Baekhyun off.

Chanyeol had been bragging about his new boyfriend that he had just met and Kyungsoo was deeply happy for him, but seeing them together, splashing each other flirtatiously with water, and locking lips, staring at each other longlingly, while Kyungsoo followed quietly and closely behind them, made him realize how lonely he had been.

The last person that had given him their number was his mother when she had gotten a new cell phone and her number had changed. So, it had been a while since he had been with another person. It's not like he felt like he desperately needed someone in his life, but he wouldn't mind someone looking at him the way Baekhyun was looking at Chanyeol.

“What are you thinking about?” Chanyeol asked Kyungsoo as they were driving home from the beach.

“Just what book to get from the library,” Kyungsoo told him.

“Oh, you should come in and meet my roommate Jongin,” Baekhyun told him. “He's got a for novels and I bet he could lend you something pretty good.”

“If he was a for novels, I don't know that he would be comfortable lending me something.”

“He'll make an exception,” Baekhyun said determined.

“And if not?”

“I'll make him.” The three of them laughed as Kyungsoo pulled up to the curb in front of Baekhyun's apartment building. Kyungsoo followed Chanyeol who followed Baekhyun up the steps that lead to the door.

Kyungsoo was suddenly bombarded with a weird sense of deja vu as he entered the small living quarters. A slender boy walked out of the kitchen and greeted them with a small hello and smiled.

“Jongin,” Baekhyun said. “Kyungsoo needs a book and you're going to lend him one.”

“I am?” Jongin replied with a raised eyebrow.

Kyungsoo noticed how good looking he was and it made him a little uneasy when Baekhyun and Chanyeol left them by themselves.

“Follow me,” Jongin said nodding toward a hallway. Kyungsoo followed without saying a word. “I don't really know what kind of books you like but I know the ones I do and if you want me to recommend you one, you're gonna have to live with the fact that you might not like it because I know I can.”

He laughed a little, making Kyungsoo feel a little more comfortable.

“This one is one of my favorites,” Jongin said after scribbling a note into one of his books with a pen that he picked up from his perfectly neat desk that was sitting next to his perfectly made bed. “I do hope you like it though.”

“Thanks,” Kyungsoo said taking the book from his hand.

“Also, I'd like to know what you think so you should relay through Baekhyun or something, since he and Chanyeol can't spend more than one day apart from each other.”

“Can't I just call you or something?” Kyungsoo asked.

“You'd need my number for that.”

“I feel rather confident in knowing you've written it in the cover of this book,” Kyungsoo said to, which Jongin just smiled, feeling rather confident that he had met him before, even though he knew that he hadn't.