MEMORIES

“Jongin!” Luhan cries, fists balling around his bed sheets. He’s jolted awake from another nightmare; cold sweat moist against his sticky pajamas, gasping for breath. He kicks the sheets off hastily, tears forming in his eyes, and cowers back against the back of his bed, trembling.

He looks around frantically, and feels his heartbeat slow at the familiar surroundings. He’s not back home. He’s with Jongin. He’s safe.

He watches his friend stir at the yelling, guilt choking at his throat, and messily wipes away his tears with shaky hands. He can still see the images behind his eyes, he can hear the screams, and the tears won’t stop falling—

“Luhan?” Jongin murmurs, lifting his face from his pillow. The moment he sees his friend crying on the bed opposite from his, he gasps, and panics, throwing the covers off and stumbling out of bed.

“Luhan!”

Jongin quickly clambers onto Luhan’s bed and pulls him against his bare chest, and Luhan sobs into his neck, clinging on desperately.

“Jongin,” he whimpers, “Jongin, Jongin…”

“It’s okay,” Jongin whispers, knowing he’s had another bad dream from the way he’s shaking. “You’ll be fine, Luhan. I’m here.”

He carefully lifts Luhan’s legs and folds his own, placing the disturbed friend in his lap and letting him curl up against his torso like a weak animal.

“Don’t cry,” he coos, “don’t cry, Luhan. You’re safe with me.”

“I’m sorry,” Luhan chokes, “I’m so, so sorry.”

Jongin gently nuzzles his nose into Luhan’s hair and kisses the top of his head, closing his eyes and suppressing a sigh. He’d spent hours comforting Luhan and singing him to sleep the previous night, and he can’t help but feel exhausted, frustrated at the lack of sleep that Luhan has caused him. He cares about Luhan a lot, and always consoles his friend when he’s uneasy, but it’s never easy for him to pretend he’s okay when he lives off only a few hours of sleep every night.

“It’s okay,” Jongin sighs. “It’s okay, Luhan. It was just a nightmare. It’s okay.”

After a couple of minutes, Luhan’s crying calms significantly, and he’s left sniffling against the softness of Jongin’s skin. Jongin his hair and asks him if he’s ready to go back to sleep again, and Luhan timidly asks him to stay with him for a few minutes more, afraid of letting go.

Jongin nods, too tired to refuse, and lies down on the small bed, pulling Luhan down and letting him cuddle up against him. Luhan apologises softly, and Jongin shakes his head, but the elder is asleep before Jongin can tell him it’s okay.

“Jongin!” Luhan wails, clasping his hands over his ears as he falls to the ground in front of the simmering pot. His cooking utensils slip from his fingers and clatter on the ground, and he screams, curling up into himself.

“Luhan?” Jongin calls, sitting up at the sounds of Luhan’s cries. He scrambles from his bed and runs into the kitchen, finding Luhan on the floor, sobbing his eyes out.

“Luhan!”

Jongin bends down and collects Luhan into his arms, trying and failing to stop the constant chant of “Jongin, Jongin” streaming from Luhan’s lips.

“It’s okay,” Jongin assures, switching off the stove with a spare finger, “it’s okay, Luhan. I’m here. You’re safe.”

“T-The memories,” he rasps, “it’s—it’s killing me, Jongin. I can’t do it.”

“You’ll be fine,” Jongin whispers, “you’re safe with me. I won’t let him hurt you.”

Luhan squeezes his eyes shut and grips onto Jongin with every bit of strength he has left, trying his hardest to block out the screaming in his mind. He can hear the clatters, the banging, the yelling, the horribly loud sounds that have been haunting his crowded mind for much too long.

“Jongin,” he sobbed, “J-Jongin …”

“I’m here, Luhan, I’m here. Everything’s going to be okay.”

Luhan sees the angry eyes burned into his mind flash before him, and he chokes in fear, hiding himself in Jongin’s safe arms.

“You’re safe with me, Luhan. I won’t let him hurt you. I promise.”

Jongin presses his lips to Luhan’s forehead and feels him relax, but is too afraid to take him to bed and let him sleep away his anxiety. He can’t leave Luhan; he’s too vulnerable, too fragile. Instead, he lifts him to his feet and sits him on the counter, thumbing away his tears and reassuring him he’d finish making dinner.

Luhan only cries harder and begs for him to stay, even though Jongin is right beside him the whole time, and neither has the appetite to eat when the meal is cooked.

“Jongin,” Luhan whispers, “Jongin, will anybody ever love me?”

Jongin opens his eyes, and Luhan is a lot closer to him than what he last remembers. The small gap of sofa between them has disappeared, and Luhan’s eyes are wet with tears, distress written all over his face. Jongin blinks in confusion, and knits his eyebrows.

“What?”

“He told me nobody would ever love me. H-He was lying, wasn’t he? Somebody will love me one day, won’t they?”

Jongin feels his heart catch in his throat, and he can only stare as Luhan’s silent tears drown out the sound of the television.

“You love me, Jongin, right?”

Jongin reaches for Luhan’s hands, words stuck on his tongue in disbelief. He tries to speak but he can’t, and Luhan begins to quiver, bottom lip trembling.

“J-Jongin?”

“Of course I love you,” Jongin chokes, voice shaky and weak. “Luhan, I—how could you think that?”

Luhan breathes in shallowly, and his hands close tightly around Jongin’s.

“He told me…he said nobody would ever love me, and everyone’s left me. I’m—I’m so scared, Jongin, please don’t leave me like everyone else,” he pleads. His voice breaks off and he moves closer, frantic and scared.

Jongin is dumbfounded, but only for moments, until he regains himself and reaches to caress Luhan’s cheeks, shaking his head softly.

“I’ll never leave,” Jongin says, “I promise you, I’ll never leave. I love you, Luhan, I’d—I’d never hurt you like that.”

Luhan is silent, and Jongin stares at him desperately, terrified that he doesn’t understand. He pushes against Luhan until the tearful boy falls back and his head hits the sofa, and he’s kneeling on top of his crying friend, cupping his chin, staring into his moist eyes.

“I love you, Luhan,” he repeats, and he presses his lips against Luhan’s and touches his neck with soft fingers, pinning him down into the leather, knowing all the wrongness of his actions add up to be something just so right. He whispers into Luhan’s lips that his love will make up for everyone else’s hatred, that he’ll never lose hope in fixing him, that he’ll stay with him forever.

When he pulls away, Luhan covers his face and sobs into his hands, and Jongin knows that no act of love will ever take the memories away.

“Jongin,” Luhan whimpers, “Jongin, s-stop, please.”

Jongin stops moving, blankets crumpled around his bare waist, and looks down at Luhan’s sweaty face in confusion. He sees distraught clouding over Luhan’s lustful eyes, and stops breathing.

“Does it hurt?” Jongin whispers, leaning down with care to kiss Luhan’s lips. Luhan pushes him away, and Jongin begins to panic.

“What is it? Luhan, what’s the matter?”

Luhan looks up into Jongin’s eyes but isn’t consoled. He can only feel hot skin against his own, hands touching him, breaths against him, the feeling of fists and belts lashing against him with scream-filled ears and he can’t breathe.

“Don’t touch me!” he gasps, as Jongin reaches to hold his face. Jongin’s hand recoils quickly, and he decides to pull out of him slowly, making Luhan cry out – half in fear and half in pain. He takes Luhan’s legs from his shoulders and lays them down on the bed, sliding out of the covers to gather up their clothing. Luhan has already started crying, and Jongin can do nothing but hurriedly tug his clothes back on and slip back into bed.

“Luhan,” Jongin whispers, too afraid to touch his boyfriend, “Luhan, it’s okay. It’s just me. I’m not going to hurt you.”

“No,” Luhan sobs, “no, no, no…”

Jongin carefully lifts the covers to pull Luhan’s underwear on, and the boy shivers at the touch, but allows the clothing to be placed back on him. Jongin takes the opportunity to take Luhan’s hand in his own and kiss it gently, and at the calm response, hug him around the waist. Luhan tenses up, but manages to calm down in Jongin’s embrace, and finds his loud sobs drowning into gentle sniffles.

“It’s okay,” Jongin whispers, tracing kisses down Luhan’s nose. “It’s okay. We don’t have to do this. I won’t hurt you.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry.”

Luhan seems to be at ease hearing the assurance, and Jongin kisses him one last time, before telling him to try and forget the memories and go to sleep.

“Jongin!” Luhan screams, tears streaming from his eyes. All he can feel is pain, intense pain, but the sound of his yells are drowned out by the loud music. Jongin is laughing and talking with his friends, too busy to see his boyfriend being thrown against the wall and punched violently by the crowd of drunks surrounding him.

Luhan looks up with hazy eyes and sees the boys’ faces morph into his father’s, sees the fists turn into belts and the mock turn into anger, and all he can think about is getting to Jongin, getting away from the alcohol, getting away from his past life and being safe in Jongin’s arms.

“Jongin!” he howls, “Jongin, help me!”

Jongin hears the sounds and freezes, turning away from his friends to look into the small crowd of older boys in the corner of the room. A scream of pain pierces through his ears and he knows Luhan’s being hurt, and he’s sure the memories are causing him more pain than the physical abuse is.

“Luhan!” he shrieks, running forward and pushing through the crowd. Luhan is pinned against the wall, being hit and kicked mercilessly, and looks barely conscious and completely paralyzed.

“Luhan!” Jongin repeats, grabbing the hands upon his boyfriend and tearing them away. The drunks make a move to grab Jongin, but he turns around and punches three of them square in the face, sending them crashing to the floor, and the rest scatter. Luhan collapses to the floor, and Jongin sobs, falling to his knees and picking up his limp body.

“Luhan?!”

Luhan whimpers, too dizzy to know whether he’s safe or not, and slips into unconsciousness before Jongin can tell him his father is gone and that he’s never coming back.

“Jongin!” Luhan gasps, sitting bolt upright, “Jongin, where’s Jongin?”

The room is bright white and deathly quiet, and he’s not with Jongin, he’s not at home. He’s in the hospital. His father has sent him to the hospital again. The tubes are binding him to the bed, and he’s going to get beaten, he’s going to be again.

Luhan is about to scream, until Jongin’s concerned face comes into view, and the familiar warm fingers wrap around his cold ones.

“I’m right here,” Jongin whispers. “How are you feeling?”

Jongin reaches up with his spare hand and touches the bandage on the Luhan’s head that Luhan isn’t aware of.

“What—happened?”

Jongin smiles softly. “It’s better if you forget.”

“Did—did he—”

“No. No, Luhan, he’s gone.”

“Who was it?”

Jongin sighs. “The drunks. At Sehun’s party.”

Luhan begins to tremble. “Oh.” Jongin notices his panic, and kisses his lips softly, pulling him close.

“They’re gone, too,” Jongin whispers. “I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

“You said that last time,” Luhan chokes. “You—you said you’d never let anyone hurt me—”

“I won’t,” Jongin says, “I promise, I won’t. I was stupid, Luhan, I thought you’d be okay to get a drink alone. I won’t let you go again. I won’t ever leave you alone.”

“It was my fault, anyway.”

Jongin pulls away, and Luhan is crying again.

“Of course it wasn’t your fault,” Jongin says softly, “don’t be ridiculous, Luhan.”

“It was. I remember now. I—I saw the alcohol, and I panicked. I picked it up to hide the bottles, and then—they came over, and asked me—they asked me—”

“Luhan, stop. Forget about it.”

“I threw the bottles out the window. They lashed out at me like he used to. I—I asked for it. I deserved it.”

“You didn’t deserve it.”

Luhan opens his mouth to protest, but Jongin clambers onto the bed and kisses him, pushing past the drip tubes to hold him close.

“You didn’t deserve any of this. Don’t ever tell me you deserve to be abused.”

“But he—he told me—”

“It doesn’t matter what he told you.”

Jongin can tell by the look in Luhan’s eyes he doesn’t believe him. The memories are too strong to overpower.

Defeated, he leans back and steps off the bed, unable to meet Luhan’s heartbroken eyes.

“I’ll—I’ll go get a nurse.”

Luhan instinctively blurts out, “don’t leave me”, but Jongin walks out anyway.

“Jongin,” Luhan sobs, “Jongin, I’m so sorry.”

“Wait for me, Luhan,” Jongin begs, “please, God, don’t do this. Don’t hurt me after all I’ve done. Just wait for me. Please wait for me.”

Jongin’s voice crackles over the phone and Luhan ducks his head in shame.

“It’s for the better, Jongin,” he chokes. “You know it is. I know you’re tired of everything. I know I’m just—I’m just a burden, right?”

“Of course you’re not a burden!” Jongin cries, “Luhan, I’m ing in love with you, I don’t care about—”

“Don’t lie to me!” Luhan screams, “you’re a liar, you’re just a liar! He was always right, Jongin, I’m just a useless—I’m just a—”

His voice breaks at the same time the waves below him do, and he quivers in fear, seeing filmy layers of his death surfacing on the water.

“He was right about one thing, Luhan,” Jongin chokes. The sound of the car engine roaring is loud behind his voice, and Luhan knows Jongin is driving too fast. “You’re selfish, Luhan. All I’ve ever done is try and help you, I’ve dedicated my whole ing existence to try and save you, and now you’re just letting all of that go to waste? You’re going to die and leave me with nothing, because I’ve given up everything for you?”

“That’s why I’m doing this,” Luhan whimpers. “I’m doing this so you can live without me. I’m useless, Jongin. Every day is just a continual cycle of me waking up, consumed by the memories of him abusing me, and relying on you to pick up my pieces when they’ll never be put together, anyway.”

Luhan can almost feel the pressure of the water drowning him, even though he’s high above, standing on the edge of the bridge. His breaths are short and he feels trapped – trapped in the memories, trapped in his own existence.

“I’ve given you my life, Luhan,” Jongin whispers. “Just give me these few minutes in repayment. That’s all I ask for.”

“This is my only chance!” Luhan retaliates, “if I give you these minutes, I’m giving the rest of my life to a mental home, because I’m traumatized and suicidal!”

“I would never hand you over to a mental home.”

“You would.”

“You know I wouldn’t.”

Luhan knows he would, but he’s too busy trying to sort out his pounding thoughts to argue.

He’s too busy crying to hear the sound of the engine through the phone stop, and his breath is knocked out of him when a pair of arms grab his waist and yank him behind the rails, away from the water and into safety.

He feels his body hit the ground and someone kneels on top of him, holding his shoulders down. His eyes shut on impact but he opens them immediately, and sees Jongin’s teary eyes, face blotched with red, gasping for breath.

There’s a faint splash as Luhan’s phone hits the water, and only then he realises it’s slipped from his grasp. Only then he realises, his escape is gone. He’s going to be locked up forever. Medication shoved down his throat, tied to a bed as he screams for freedom, heavy anaesthetics injected into his skin as his father leers at his tear-stained face and growls threats and menaces into his ear.

“No,” he gasps, “no, no, no!”

“Don’t do this, Luhan,” Jongin rasps, sobs tearing at his voice. “Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this—”

“Help!” Luhan screams, “help, help, somebody help me!”

Jongin covers Luhan’s mouth quickly, and Luhan writhes, kicking helplessly in a ruthless effort to knock his boyfriend away. He bites down on the palm and screams into it, but Jongin purses his lips and holds him down.

He’s already called the police. While Luhan was sobbing into the phone, Jongin had managed to force out a few words and a location onto the other line in-between begging Luhan not to kill himself and racing to the bridge without crashing into other cars. All he has to do is wait, and hold Luhan back, and hopefully get his lover under control.

Luhan is in hysterics, screaming and wailing and scratching at Jongin’s arms, tears morphing Jongin’s face into his father’s. He knows he’s going to be hurt. He knows he’s not safe.

“Jongin!” he shrieks, “Jongin, help me!”

“It’s me,” Jongin whimpers, “Luhan, it’s me.” He uncovers Luhan’s mouth and kisses him softly, but his efforts are useless. As soon as Jongin lets go of his shoulders to hold his face, Luhan grabs his neck and chokes him, paralyzing him momentarily and seizing the opportunity to scramble to his feet, leaving Jongin on the ground.

The younger gasps for breath and rolls over, capturing Luhan’s ankle before he can climb back over the rails. He pulls him down roughly and Luhan hits the ground, hard, so hard he’s knocked unconscious. Jongin lies back and heaves for breath for a few spearing moments, and finally pulls himself to his knees when the wail of police sirens snap him from his trance.

He leans over and sobs into Luhan’s chest before the police grab his arms and pull him away, and he chants ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry’ over and over into thin air. He feels himself being pushed into the back of the police car, trembling in fear, before he passes out completely, collapsing sideways with his head knocking against Luhan’s.

“Jongin!” Luhan shouts, “Jongin, Jongin! I’m here! Jongin!”

Jongin’s eyes finally lock on Luhan’s, and he immediately pushes through the swarm of people, outstretching his arms and wrapping them around the frail boy standing in the corner. He pulls his boyfriend into his arms and kisses him hard, lifting him off the ground with strong arms. Luhan laughs tearfully and hooks his arms around Jongin’s neck, hospital gown riding up slightly in the roughness of the embrace.

He’s been locked up in rehabilitation for the past three months, to erase the bad memories, to recover from being suicidal, to just get better – and he has. It’s been hard, and Jongin had to visit multiple times a week for the first month just to convince Luhan to accept the help, and after so many weeks of separation, they’re finally together again. They’ve finally been allowed to meet again for a short visit period, and this can only mean good news in the process of Luhan’s recovery.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Jongin breathes, lowering Luhan until his feet touch the ground. He trails kisses along Luhan’s cheeks and nose, and finally breaks away when Luhan whispers that they’re being watched.

Luhan starts to cry when he looks into Jongin’s sparkling eyes, and Jongin can only laugh and his neck gently, allowing Luhan to bury his face into his chest.

“It’s okay. Don’t cry, Luhan, I’m here. I’m here, Luhan.”

“I love you so much,” Luhan sobs, “I love you, Jongin. I love you, I love you, I love you—”

“Shh. It’s okay.”

Luhan meets Jongin’s eyes again, and feels another kiss land on his forehead.

“When can I come home?” Luhan whispers. Jongin smiles lightly, “soon, Luhan. Soon.”

“I hate this place, Jongin. I hate these hospital clothes. I hate being treated like I’m crazy. The food is disgusting, and the beds are springy, and…and you’re not…”

Luhan nuzzles himself into Jongin’s chest again and inhales deeply. He smells of cologne, of comfort, of home. He smells of familiar bed sheets and warm hugs and kisses that take away the past.

“I know. I’ll get them to bring you back as soon as I can.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Jongin lifts him up again, one arm around his knees, the other supporting his back, and takes him into Luhan’s room, sitting down on the bed. Luhan shuffles around and wraps his legs around Jongin’s waist, hugging his neck tightly.

“They’re treating you well, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Any nightmares?”

“I had one last week. They took away the photo of you and locked my doors when I screamed at them.”

Jongin frowns. “I told you not to scream at the staff.”

“I couldn’t sleep without the photo.”

Jongin presses their noses together, hearing the hurt in Luhan’s voice, and his eyes scan the room quickly. There’s a photo of him resting on the drawer beside Luhan’s bed, and his heart swells.

“You’re doing so well, Luhan.”

“But I haven’t slept a full night yet. I still stay up thinking.”

Jongin smiles cheekily.

“Do you think you’d sleep better if I told you I’d be staying over the night?”

Luhan looks up in disbelief, and Jongin tilts his head and kisses him again, for a lot longer than what he should have.

Luhan gets a lot more than just a goodnight kiss that evening, and none of the staff have the heart to kick Jongin out of the building for making him cry out too loud when they see Luhan’s finally fallen asleep in content.

“Jongin?” Luhan murmurs. Jongin hums to acknowledge the voice and wraps his arms around Luhan’s waist, resting his cheek on the elder’s back.

“I think I’m ready to leave now.”

Luhan turns his head and he’s met with a pair of lips on his own, soothing the pain in his chest immediately.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

His hands are still pressed tightly against the cold stone of his mother’s grave, and Jongin is unsure what to do. Luhan still looks like he wants to stay, so Jongin presses his lips behind his boyfriend’s ear and waits for further instructions.

Luhan still feels anger bubbling up somewhere deep inside of him, but he suppresses it for the sake of recovery. He hates his father for killing his beloved mother. He hates his father for abusing him and letting so many years of his precious life go to waste to the hands of haunting memories. He hates his father.

Luhan balls his fists, but the soothing kisses along his neck are enough to calm him down.

“Please, let’s go,” Luhan whispers. Jongin senses the panic and immediately stands up, pulling Luhan up with him.

“Alright. We’ll go home now.”

Jongin spins him around and kisses him firmly, and Luhan relaxes, eyes fluttering closed. This is what he needs. This is where he belongs – with Jongin. Safe. Happy.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” Luhan whispers.

Jongin nods. “We should go now. Affection in the home of the deceased is probably some form of sin.”

Luhan laughs, and he knows no form of grief will overpower his happiness ever again.

“Jongin!” Luhan cries, fists balling around his bed sheets. He’s jolted awake from another nightmare; cold sweat moist against his sticky pajamas, gasping for breath. He kicks the sheets off hastily, tears forming in his eyes, and cowers back against the back of his bed, trembling.

“Luhan?” Jongin murmurs, lifting his face from his pillow. The moment he sees his boyfriend shaking on the bed opposite from his, he gasps, and panics, throwing the covers off and stumbling out of bed.

“Luhan!”

“It’s okay,” Luhan gasps, “it’s okay. I’m okay.”

Jongin freezes, and watches as Luhan clambers out of bed, pulling his shirt back and forth to fan out his hot skin.

“Bad dream. Go back to sleep.”

“What was it about?” Jongin whispers. He takes Luhan’s clammy hands into his, and Luhan laughs shakily, letting his boyfriend take him into his arms.

“You really want to know?”

Jongin frowns, anxious at Luhan’s strange reaction. He’s not meant to be laughing. He’s not meant to be relapsing after such a long period of time without. He nods hesitantly.

“I dreamed you raided the fridge because I wasn’t home to cook dinner. And it fell on top of you.”

Jongin’s face screws up in horror, and Luhan laughs again, stepping back.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“You didn’t dream of him?”

“Not a trace.”

Luhan wipes his sweaty forehead and breathes out shallowly.

“I’m going to check if the fridge is still upright. Go back to sleep, Jongin.”

It takes Jongin a few moments to crawl back under the sheets once Luhan has left the room, but he’s reassured when he feels his lover slide in quietly with him, pressing his forehead against his chest.

“No memories?” Jongin whispers.

“No memories.”

Jongin kisses him softly, and Luhan’s asleep before he can tell him goodnight.

a/n : sorry this is so long xo frickles you guys are all babes muuuuaaahh thank you for everybody's support i love you more than i love jongin!!!!!!!!!! okay maybe not that much but it's pretty damn close ok uGH what's with me and finishing stories with the recurring scenes THAT IS THE MOST UNORIGINAL THING EVER anyway i hope you guys enjoyed please comment and sub and all that shizz if you want i'd appreciate it! <3 and if you likey there's some links to my other exo stories in the foreword so GO BAcK chECkiE iT oUT!1! aight im done w/ this crap story bye

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