Love me, but Let me go..

(A Child's Love)

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I know every human in the world is having a unique and different trials in life. I am more than aware of that, but what is frustrating and heartbreaking to hear is that.. "We found a tumor in Sandeul's brain.." I find it unfair. My son, didn't he just turned 6 this year? Why it must be him? Selfish it may sound, but.. he's my only son. Why are you taking him?

"But you can do something right?" I asked desperately.

I saw how horrified the Doctor looked. He swallowed bulk of saliva, before answering me.. "We'll try.."

"You are hailed as the Best Neuro- Surgeon in Seoul!!! What do you mean by "We'll try"????" I stood up slamming my hands on his desk in the process, I felt my husband tug my shirt but I ignored it.  "Is Money the problem? You know that I can pay you the exact amount you'll rate us- no scratch that! I'll pay you more than that! just please.. Please.. Save my son.," I pleaded collapsing on my knees. I didn't care about my image anymore, I don't care who's in front of me, Or if there's a CCTV camera inside his clinic, or if the secretary's listening outside.. The hell I care. All that matters to me is my son. "Please.." I begged once more. Weeping on the floor. My husband- Kyuhyun jumped beside me and help me to get up. He is crying too. He is trying to hush me and explain to me that I don't have to beg. That it's the Doctor's job to save lives but I didn't listen. I remained kneeling in front of the Doctor. If I had to kneel on the pebbles I would. Just.. "Please.." I again, pleaded, never leaving his gaze.

He bowed his head down. I saw him wipe his tears secretly.. "Okay.. I will find a way and see what I can do., but that's all I could promise for now.. that I will find a way.." he said as he stood up and walk passed us, leaving me and Kyuhyun behind.

KyuMinDeul

Thankfully,  the doctor meant what he said. He saved my baby's life who just celebrated his 8 years in this world last month, they took the tumor out of his brain and lessen my baby's pain. As an exchange, I stood true to my words, I paid him twice the amount of our bill, I took him to a scientist friend of ours in the US to help him with his practice in being one and made him famous by putting up his name in the headlines almost everyday that he saved the billionaire's son.

Being Lee Sungmin- owner of a TV station and couple of clothing lines and Cho Kyuhyun- being the President of the biggest airline in the world and an oil company it wasn't impossible. Maintaining our wealth is easy to do, but maintaining my son's health, isn't.

I was working that Day, I was having a meeting with the stock holders of our TV station company that day when I felt sharp pain shooting in my tummy. I tried to ignore it, and focus on my work, unaware to what will happen next that day.

***

Suppressed sobbing of my husband woke me up. I was a little disoriented when I opened my eyes so I wandered around, I am sure that I wasn't in our room or any of our rooms in the house so I decided to call him.

"Kyu.."

There was a second of silence, I tried calling him again.

"Kyu.." I heard muffled sobs and few sniffs. My heartbeat was racing more than the usual that time, I am nervous that I can't explain why do I have to. That moment, I know something is definitely wrong.

"B-babe.." I saw his figure walking towards me, his eyes were puffy and tears are visible in the corner of his eyes.

"Wh-what's wrong?" I asked reaching for his hand.

He stood there beside me, pursing his lips. He tried to suppress his cries and tears by looking up at the ceiling. I tightened my hold to his, and asked him again what is wrong, but he just looked at me apologetically,  swallowing back his tears. I tried to nudge him, encouraging him to speak. He tried to open his mouth but found no voice, he instead knelt down beside me bringing my hands closer to him, brushing it against his cheek. I lay there confused and curious but I waited for him to calm down.

It took me, 30 minutes or so to convince him to calm down. However when he opened his mouth in attempt to explain everything, a knock interrupted him.

"Come in." we said in unison.

"Good Evening Mr. Cho.. How are you doing tonight?" a tall man in a white gown suit appeared in front of us. "I am Dr. Choi, I'll be Dr. Lau's substitute as he is still out of the country.. How are you feeling? Is your head hurting? you pretty much collapsed flat in your office when the paramedics found you." I shook my head.

"Your body's not hurting either?"

I shook my head again.

He held a deep breath, "Okay.. Before I discuss about your Son's health let me do yours first.." then it hit me.

"My son.." I whispered. I turned to look at Kyuhyun, but he seemed avoiding my eyes. When I turn to the Doctor he ignored my questioning gaze too and continued blabbing about my X-rays and Kidneys which I find hard to process after hearing him mentioning about my son's health.

"What is the ing wrong with my Son!!!?" I snapped.

Kyuhyun's hold grew a little more tighter, but I didn't turn to look at him. I was intently looking at the Doctor who's looking at my husband as if asking him if it's okay to let him do the explanation. My Kyuhyun nod a little, the tears that had stopped from falling a while ago, is now falling again. I felt like I can't breath. I know I wanted the explanation but I don't want to hear the bad thing. My heart was achingly clenching that time, it feels like it was literally breaking into pieces, shattered on the floor.

"Mr. Cho.. You knew what your son had right, when we have him operated before?" he started talking to me. He held my hand, as if trying to get me ready to what he will say next. Kyuhyun too is now sobbing hard, next to me as he held my other hand close to his lips. The Doctor took a shaky breath first before continuing.. "We didn't expect that the tumor will be back this instant. And it is more active than before.. Which meant, it is cancerous, the cancer had spread all through out his blood and we are afraid it will attack his other organs too... and.." he trailed off looking at my husband again, but he's a sobbing mess in my side. I wanted to take him to my embrace, comfort him and hug him.. But now.. I don't even have a strength to do so. I don't even think my body is functioning except for my ears.

The Doctor squeezed my right hand, so I could look at him. He was giving me that kind of look, that I wanted to slap. "I... I'm afraid we can't do anything anymore except for the Chemo.. I am sorry Mr. Cho.."

As soon as he said that, everything turned black. I yelled and asked him to shut up. I pushed him away, pushed Kyuhyun off me, threw all stuffs I could see. Curse them at the top of my Lungs. I wasn't sure what am I doing or How I felt that day, but all I know and I am sure of.. I want my son close to me.

I lost my rationale that time. I can't believe what I'm hearing. My Son.. My Sandeul. My only baby.. I felt like I was betrayed. Did they just saved my son to let him suffer more? Did they just save him to give me false hope of having him til the rest of my life?? That day, I started to doubt everything, most especially if there was really a God. If there is why am I suffering like this? Why are you taking my son away from me? Am I one hell of a sinner that you wanted to punish me, by taking my beloved? Is this because I married a man and did male pregnancy? Is it a sin to try having a happy family? If so, then Why don't you punish me instead than giving Sandeul a hard time. I am more than willing to die just go save my son. Just don't touch my baby. Everyday since that day, It became a chant to me. Asking him to take me instead, because I know Kyuhyun won't leave him. Because I can't take seeing him having a hard time.

Am I that selfish? Is it my fault that I live my son than anybody else? I am his mother, it's enough reason for me.

KyuMinDeul

I learned that Sandeul is in the same hospital as me, the difference is. He had to stay in NIMU. I asked my Doctor to move me in his room, but they disregard my request at first. But I didn't stop there. Everyday, I will send a request to them allowing me to be with my son, until one Day they decided to say yes.

I felt happy at first, knowing I can tuck my son to bed whenever he's going to sleep. I can assist him in everything, play with him, read him books, sing him lullabies... I thought I'd be happier being with him in one room, but it made me feel more upset to myself that I can't take all his pain away and carry it myself. Everyday I curse my self for being a useless Mom, I had all the fame, money and power but I can't even do a thing for him. I could only watch him watch wince in pain, screech everytime they get some blood works.. I could only dry his tears whenever he's hurt. How I wish I can take his place.

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