Jongin

I know what we’re doing is wrong. We’re caught on videos, we know. The fans are already pointing it out. But they don’t know why. They’re mad at us for ignoring him and playing him a fool. A part of me just wants to let people know why we do. Another side of me has the decency to hide his flaws. He is our leader, after all.

“Jongin-ah.” I try to remain composed as I follow the rhythm of the music. I won’t let him bother me at a time like this.

“Jongin-ah.” I hear his voice again. “Jongin-ah, you’re not doing it right.” No, Jongin. Don’t listen to him. I know every step of this choreography by heart. I’ve been practicing for five hours non-stop. I’ve set on myself to improving and I know that I have and I am. I don’t need him to tell me that I’m messing up my steps. He can’t do this even if he was given seven days to practice, so he’s not in a position to tell me what move is right and what isn’t.

As I gaze at my dancing self in the mirror and ignore the other man in the reflection, I find composure. This is what I’m best at.

“Jongin-ah.” I stop moving and take a deep breath.

“What is it, Suho-hyung?” I ask, trying to hide the agitation that’s surfacing in me. I grab a towel and wipe my face dry.

“You should really practice more, Jongin-ah,” he says in a concerned tone with his arms crossed. “The concert’s only a few days away. I see that you still haven’t mastered the routine.”

I could only manage a nod as I reach for the bottle on the floor and empty half of its content.

“You don’t seem to be interested in what I’m saying,” he says as he eyes me. I throw the bottle to where I took it, joining the rest of the empty bottles and some unopened ones.

This is one of the times where I have to look deep inside of me for patience. I’ve been enduring him for years, I can do it now. “Hyung,” I begin.

“What?” he says in a defensive tone.

“I know I need to improve. I’ve been trying for the whole day. And I have. I’m almost there,” I pause, searching for the right words to continue without rubbing him the wrong way.

“Of course you need to improve. The concert’s in a few days and everyone will be looking at you then. You have to nail this.” He says. Once again, he thinks that I don’t know that. Did he even listen to what I said earlier? I’ve been in this practice room dancing to the same song over and over for the whole day. He just came in a few minutes ago, pointing out my flaws like I haven’t been trying.

“Jongin-ah. You know that we depend on you, right? So don’t let us down.” He says, patting my shoulder. I feel the urge to shrug him off, for not identifying with my feelings and for not even trying to care.

“I get it, Hyung,” I turn my back away from him and played the song on the stereo. I want to tell him to leave so I can focus on my improving, but as much as his presence disturbs me, I can’t find the guts to say those words. I position myself at the start of the song and let my body move to the music.

As the song comes to an end and the music stops, I pant and glance at Suho-hyung who is still standing against the wall watching me with judgment. The song replays and I continue with my dancing. Halfway through the song, Suho-hyung leaves the room after letting out an audible sigh.

Some people don’t understand. They think that since we are a group and have been together for a number of years, we learn to accept each others’ flaws. I acknowledge that the people who I call my colleagues have flaws, but it doesn’t mean I fully embrace them. Suho-hyung, for instance, always finds a way to annoy me. I find everything he does annoying. The way that he talks in front of the cameras, the way that he looks at fans, even the way he eats. I know it’s a serious problem, since I’ll be working with him for presumably five more years and I can’t constantly be gritting my teeth and swearing him in the inside.

I don’t know if the other members find so many flaws in Suho-hyung but last week I saw Baekhyun-hyung giving Suho-hyung a dirty look when he wasn’t looking after Suho-hyung told him off for publicly flirting with a ticketing agent at the airport. And just last night, Sehun imitated or more exactly mocked Suho-hyung after Suho-hyung advised him to be more mature in front of the camera.

I have always sensed Chanyeol-hyung’s feelings towards Suho-hyung. Chanyeol-hyung has always judged Suho-hyung for his constant trials of being cool. He already knows that he’s cool and he probably has a lot of fans, especially abroad, what with being born into a ‘well-funded’ family in the city. And I think he views Suho-hyung as the lame wannabe. But I know Chanyeol-hyung has a nice heart, so he actually helps Suho-hyung out most of the time on how to be cool without looking like he’s trying.

Kyungsoo-hyung doesn’t get himself too involved in Suho-hyung. He tries to keep his distance especially in front of the camera. Suho-hyung is always emphasizing Kyungsoo-hyung’s vocal skills and I always notice that Kyungsoo-hyung would just sit there awkwardly while Suho-hyung puts an arm around his shoulders and boasts about him. In private, Kyungsoo-hyung talks to him only about work.

Now that I think about it, Suho-hyung doesn’t really have a best friend in the group. I mean, I have Kyungsoo-hyung, I know I can talk to him about everything and he knows he can to me too. Sehun has Tao. Luhan-hyung has Minseok-hyung. Jongdae-hyung has Baekhyun-hyung and Chanyeol-hyung and he’s just generally a friendly guy. Kris-hyung is close with Tao and has good friends outside the group. Lay-hyung is good friends with Kris-hyung and Luhan-hyung but they don’t show it much in front of cameras. He’s also a hyung that clicks with me a lot. We worked really hard together in the trainee days.

Suho-hyung is just a loner. I think it’s because he thinks too much about his image. He trained the longest among us and I feel as if he thinks he has this obligation to show us to the world. And doing that, he exaggerates sometimes. Sometimes he tries to bring the group together, in a very unnatural way, thus fails, and sometimes, he just wants to show everyone how funny and cool he could be, also very forced, thus another failure. Whenever I see him trying too hard, I cringe. But sometimes, I must admit that deep, deep inside, my heart just breaks because he’s trying his very best and it’s not working.

Kris-hyung, just has to sit and put on a poker face and he’d be receiving compliments from everywhere about how handsome or y or good-looking he is. He’s blessed, for having that kind of face. Suho-hyung’s face is handsome, but in a prettier way. I remember watching TV and somebody said that you either look handsome, or you look cute and if you’re in the middle, it’ll be hard for you to get noticed. Like in Luhan-hyung’s case. He looks like a doll. And Minseok-hyung in our earlier days, he was labeled cute. Although his looks changed into the years, he’s already been marked and noticed, so it’s easier for him to continue building his own name.

Most of the time, I really hate Suho-hyung. I know it’s really mean for a person to have that much hatred without even finding a concrete reason. It just happens, I can’t help it.

I avoid him as much as I can. When we eat, I try to sit as far from him as possible, because I know once he opens his mouth, he won’t stop criticizing everything and he would just pour his ‘ideas’ on how we should behave when recorded. I really don’t know how the other members feel when he does that, except for Kris-hyung because they don’t really show much reaction to him. But it’s really easy to read Kris-hyung. When he’s annoyed, he shows it. So I don’t think Kris-hyung is comfortable with Suho-hyung either.

And in the middle of the night, when I hear sobs coming from his room, I shut my eyes tighter and try to tell myself that I have no part in his crying. That I am not the one to blame for Suho-hyung crying.