March 30

It's been a few weeks since we had that fight. I miss him. I shouldn't have said we should break up. But what can I do? Seeing him with different girls in different parties, even when I know it's to distract our fans from catching on to us, it still hurts. And it looks like he was enjoying it too much too. Like in the AON party we had to make sure we weren't caught together. In the end, he almost spent the night hanging out with Chaerin. I know Chaerin is my friend, our friend, but seeing them together and the fans comments on how good they look together, it hurt. I was so jealous that they had pictures together and I didn't even have one with him. Why is it so hard to be together? What can I do to deserve to be in the same space as him? I just wanted us to be together but the comments were so hurtful. Is it really wrong to love him? 

I look at his tweets and he seems so sad. I want to tell him to cheer up at least for his fans but I can't. That song "Something About Us". The one he tweeted is exactly the way I feel.

I need you more than anything in my life

I want you more than anything in my life

I'll miss you more than anyone in my life

I love you more than anyone in my life

I've never loved anyone more than I loved him. I still love him. Not even my ex-boyfriends can compare. But I have to show a brave face even though I'm hurting inside. My girls get worried when they see that I'm sad. I know that I'm not the strongest member in the group so I have to pull my weight more. I have to be strong even if all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

Jiyong, I miss you.

March 31

I met my friend Donghae from Super Junior. We've been friends for a long time. Jiyong used to get jealous of him. He tells me that Donghae has feelings for me but I've only seen him as a good friend. When Donghae asked me for a picture, I didn't really want to do it. But he hasn't done anything bad to me so I couldn't really refuse. He'll see the pic. I hope he knows he's just a really good friend. I even put it on the caption. I wish he knew that he's the only one for me. He is IT. My one true love. I see that he tweets another sad song again. His fans are getting concerned. This time it's Bruno Mars' "When I was Your Man".

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now

Our song on the radio on the radio 

But it don't sound the same

When our friends talk about you

All it does is tear me down

Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name

Should have gave you all my hours

When I had the chance

I miss him. Waking up is not as enjoyable if I don't see his face. It's so tiring trying to pretend that everything's ok, when it's not. If I had known we would end, I would have treasured our moments together more. I wish I had spent more time with him even if we both had busy schedules.

I love you Ji. You're the only guy for me. I wish you knew how much I love you.

April 1

He tweets another song. "Whataya Want From Me" by Adam Lambert. I wish I could let him know, I see them all. His messages. I'm getting them. But my fear won't let me answer. I wish it was like before. When we used to have conversations on twitter and me2day. I miss those days, before the hate from his fans.

I love you Jiyong. I don't wanna give up on us. 

Just don't give up, I'm workin it out

Please don't give in, I won't let you down

It messed me up, need a second to breathe

Just keep coming around

Hey whataya want from me

There might have been a time

When I would let you slip away

I wouldn't even try

But I think you could save my life

I don't think I can give you up Ji. I want you to come back. Please come back to me. I'll do anything you want. Just come back to me. Please.