title: Three Wishes for a Soul

author: IAmAnExoFan

​reviewer: innoculous

Notable points:

• The sun was at its highest point that day. Its bright rays illuminated the large banner above the hospital. A mental institute was happily welcoming its visitors.

I liked this part, contrasting happy with something sardonic. It’s a nice way to introduce the purpose of the building.

• "I wasn't," denied Jongin, a faraway look in his eyes. "I hated him."

Good twist to have Jongin ungrateful instead of falling for Kyungsoo straight away.

• "Do Kyungsoo..." He repeated, not liking how perfectly the name rolled from his tongue.

Nice detail.

• Overall, your fic had lots of small details that tied in with each character’s personalities. One of which I noticed was that Kyungsoo’s abusive uncle seemed to influence Kyungsoo in this way:

Sehun and Luhan gawked at Jongin, when not even five seconds later, the brown-haired boy slapped himself. Jongin shook his head and rubbed the red mark on his cheek. He caught their surprised looks and he shook his head in a dismissive manner.

A loud slap echoed throughout the whole park. Kyungsoo stood in front of Jongin as the owl-eyed boy bowed his head and he cradled his hand. Jongin stared in shock at Kyungsoo as his cheek grew a bright red.

"Promise me that you'll slap yourself every time you talk about being hated by your family or being left by them."

"But... your uncle never hurt you...?" the statement ended up being a question and Jongin could literally see Kyungsoo stiffen.

"O-of course not," the owl-eyed boy denied as he turned his back to the painting. "I never said otherwise Jongin."

Are Kyungsoo’s abusive tendencies because of his uncle? Either way, it shows in a way that Kyungsoo was also slightly unhinged and how that affected Jongin. It’s rather physiologically disturbing about their relationship. I’m not sure if these were intentional, but nice details for the reader to pick up.

Mechanical, grammatical, etc.

• A lot of people might agree that the most important thing in luring people into reading your fic would be your description/foreword.

Original: Then, they'd be left with just two more chances at life. If they get on another accident, then it's their last life.

Corrected: Then, they'd be left with just two more chances at life. If they get in another accident, then it's their last life.

It doesn’t sound like much of a big deal, only a word difference, but it can be when there are readers checking out your fic. They read the title and the little blurb that is shown when they’re looking through story tags. If your title’s not enough to pull in a reader, your description might. It’s best to make the description/foreword as error-free as possible, because those influence someone who has not read it yet into thinking the actual story is written similar to the way you wrote your description.

• Repetition of an adjective.

The doe-eyed boy stopped right in the middle of the street, but not a single person paid notice.

Luhan's doe-like eyes glared at the people that were littered on the streets, or more specifically, the gossiping ones.

"Well, they deserve it!" the doe-eyed boy hissed as he stomped along side his friend.

A tall, blond boy pulled his struggling doe-eyed companion away from the crowd.

Do you see the pattern? A different recognizable description for Luhan might be better. This isn’t to say, you can only used “doe-eyed” once, but that it might be better to space out that description of Luhan, if you are to use it, throughout the fic. That way the reuse isn’t as noticeable.

Same with:

The duo looked at each other for a few seconds.

The duo that stood in front of it, though, was anything but happy.

People began to take notice of the duo that was just staring at the hospital.

Maybe “the two” or even just “they” would also be good to use along with “the duo.”

• Redundancy

Original: Sehun and Luhan stood in front of a big, white building. The duo stood motionless in front of it as they stared at the said building.

This pair of sentences seem to repeat the same action. Maybe combining both sentences together might make it sound more fluid.

Corrected: Sehun and Luhan stood motionless, staring at the front of a big, white building.

I’ve reviewed you before, haven’t I? I think you’ve improved since I last read your work. Thanks for submitting up your story for review!