title: The Hidden Truth

author: travellingIdeas

reviewer: innoculous

Stickies:

• There is not much with Jinri’s characterization as a spirit. We know that she is no longer human, does not remember her time as a human either, and one other thing I inferred from reading was that she has a fascination (?) with humans and the human world. However, other than that there aren’t many substantial characteristics about Jinri. Perhaps, you could describe how she wishes she remembered her human life or other desires.

• What makes Jinri fall in love with Minho’s writing? Could you describe his writing style in more detail?

• Your writing is mostly dialogue or brief descriptions. A bit more description with setting may improve the story. (The following is just an idea.)

Original:

I got angry after I heard that, how dare he?

"It was real!” I shouted as the leaves in the ground starts flying away.

Edited:

I got angry after I heard that, how dare he?

"It was real!” I shouted as the leaves in the ground started flying away. They crunched beneath the man’s feet and spiraled like downsized tornadoes into the air.

Grammar, mechanical, etc.

• From the description:

Original:

Unfortunately there are several things that make it harder for the spirit:

the human doesn’t know she exist at all, it risks a bond that already existed,

and the more she tries the closer she gets to the hidden truth…

Edited:

Unfortunately, there are several things that make it harder for the spirit:

the human doesn’t know she exists at all, it risks a bond that already exists,

and the more she tries, the closer she gets to the hidden truth…

it: What is “it” referring to? How the spirit is trying to communicate with the human?  How the spirit trying to communicate with the human risks a bond that already exists?

• Sometimes the tense jumps from past to present or vice versa, making it break up the flow of the story. (The following corrections were made by the assumption that your story is supposed to be in past tense.)

Original: letting out an exasperated sigh, I let my hands fell down weakly against my sides as I finished my carvings on the old wooden tree. The uneasy feeling I had still exists in my head, lingering as if it didn’t have any purpose at all. I thought if I let out what I felt with writing, it will decrease the throbbing pain but in fact, it doesn’t.

Edited: Letting out an exasperated sigh, I let my hands fall down weakly against my sides as I finished my carvings on the old wooden tree. The uneasy feeling I had still existed in my head, lingering as if it didn’t have any purpose at all. I thought if I let out what I felt with writing, it would decrease the throbbing pain but, in fact, it didn’t.

• A few capitalization, punctuation, etc. errors that would be fixed with proofreading or a good beta reader.

• Sentence structure sounds a bit awkward at times.

Original: "Your mother can’t still admit the fact that you were gone"

Edited: "Your mother still can’t admit the fact that you are gone."

Thanks for submitting your story up for review! If you have any complaints or questions, please comment below.