title: Twelve Chances

author: MamaShrimp

​reviewer: innoculous

Nice points that may or not be even relevant:

I liked how the chapter titles are all songs from their albums or songs they featured in, and usually the songs related to the chapters (if I am not mistaken, which I may be because I haven’t listened to every single song on there, I was pleased enough just knowing the meaning of Peter Pan, lol). There were good ways of inserting personality into Haemin as a kid, the lack of distinct characteristics seem to be the root of the problem with many OCs, but it was shown ocassionally here, while they were children anyways, I felt that the characterization grew flat as the time hops happened more frequently.

I didn’t read much, and the only books I really liked were the ones I could color in.

I liked this, it was a way to remind the reader that they are children.

It was also cute, or melancholy I suppose, to link Peter Pan’s meaning into the writing.

Pen pals were a nice trope to tie in Luhan’s introduction to Haemi’s life.

Mechanical, grammar, stuff that can’t usually be a gauge on how well you write but are usually mentioned as tidbits anyways:

The format of most of it seems to be a new line after almost every sentence each time (?).

Minor grammatical stuff that probably can be corrected with a proofread or beta.

Grandmother in Korean is Halmoni, not Harmonee.

Stickies:

Perhaps showing time passage or the period of time in a different way instead of using captions, but that might be difficult with all the time hops that were done.

Suho, Baekhyun, Luhan, etc. would benefit from more character detailing, Haemi, too, such as why she liked Suho, why she’ll miss Baekhyun and Kyungsoo, maybe more than just they’re my best friends and I’ll miss them when they’re gone.

There was lots of use with “I”, perhaps try describing things without it more, this is one of the reasons why 1st person POVs can get a little tiring for most people because they are so centralized around one character and the reader is permanently stuck in that character’s head. I find too many usages of myself, me, I, etc. are a bit of an excess.

I ate in silence, causing worried looks from my family before I trudged myself upstairs and collapsed on to my bed.

Maybe:

Dinner passed by in silence, causing worried looks from my family before I trudged upstairs and collapsed onto the bed.

There wasn't much mentioned about Haemi’s appearance, I found it hard to picture the characters in my head. (Though I just imagined Baek Sumin because she’s on your poster and Baek Sumin is a bae.)

Nothing I said is meant to offend, merely constructive criticism. If you disagree or would like to question something I’ve mentioned, go ahead and comment it below or pm it instead. Thank you for submitting this story up for review.