title: Back to Square One

author: IAmAnExoFan

reviewer: innoculous

A few points:

The spare way of writing that you have can be appealing at times, however, it can also be a disadvantage, which will be explained in more detail under the critique. The plotline seems be overdone, but it’s also a simple storyline centered mainly around Kyungsoo and Jongin. Even cliches and tropes can be satisfying when written well, there is potential for this story to be really good, so here’s a few pointers to improve under the critique.

A few stickies:

1. The fact that Kyungsoo feels the need to leave Jongin in order to get over his feelings.

Why does Kyungsoo feel that it’s necessary to leave? Of course, this is probably something you can tell me right away as the author of the story, but you aren’t saying/hinting/describing it in the writing. I have no idea why Kyungsoo wants to leave other than the fear of rejection and possibly jeopardizing his friendship with Jongin (?). Say these were the two main reasons why he’s leaving to go abroad, think about ways you could implement his conflicted feelings into the words of the story. Here is the original excerpt from your fic:

Kyungsoo groaned. Out of all the schools in Korea.. Jongin had studied in the one he so wanted to get in to.

He closed his eyes and leaned on the wall, leaning his head back.

This could be a good place for Kyungsoo to reminisce a little, or at least pull up a few memories or tidbits about Jongin that hit him as his mind tries to wrap around the new information that he’s transferred to the same school as Jongin. Here I shall mutilate part of the excerpt (watch me completely destroy this because my characterization of them is probably off kilter, many apologies):

He closed his eyes and leaned on the wall, leaning his head back. Jongin and his inquisitive eyes, flickering with light as he helped Kyungsoo with his thesis, his problem sets, hours of homework that they never completed, because Kyungsoo would get distracted by Jongin’s close proximity and the simple contentedness of being with his best friend.

2. Kyungsoo believes that Jongin has changed in their three years apart from each other. A way to convey that to the reader could be talking about the differences that Kyungsoo notices, such as his blonde hair.

"Since when did you have blonde hair?" Kyungsoo retorted, rolling his eyes. He had somehow led the topic away to him leaving.

"It's just hair! I swear I didn't!"

Alright, so here’s one thing that Kyungsoo finds different about Jongin. Would it be okay to elaborate on it?

“I thought you didn’t like blonde hair,” Kyungsoo said pointedly, and Jongin tugged at a strand of bleached hair, looking sheepish. He made a strange image with his head of white-blond that was formerly dark, and the contrast throws Kyungsoo off, leaving him feeling a mixture of unease and restlessness. Jongin looks like a different person entirely.

3. Does Kyungsoo still feel the need to leave? Does Jongin harbor any ill feelings toward Kyungsoo for leaving?

It seems a bit confusing as to why Kyungsoo doesn’t question the fact that he must leave again, if he’d done it before, why doesn’t he feel the need to go now? Another thing is how accepting Jongin is of everything, acceptingly sad when Kyungsoo left and accepting Kyungsoo happily, albeit with a little bitterness, when Kyungsoo comes back. Does he feel angry or wronged or upset in any way? Just wondering if there were emotions that each were feeling, but somehow didn’t make their way into the writing.

4. Why does Luhan like Sehun? Why does Sehun like Jongin? Why does Kyungsoo like Jongin? Why do people even like other people?

It’s a bit hard to connect with each character because the reader is not seeing exactly why this character is in love (in like? is that a way to put it? in like.) with this character because it’s not portrayed in the writing. Does Luhan like Sehun’s friendship, does Luhan like Sehun’s eyes, why does Luhan put up with Sehun when Sehun disregards him half the time, etc.

If the character’s thoughts or reactions are included a bit more, it may seem more plausible as to why they like this person.

Mechanical, grammatical, etc.  (small things that are a bit nit picky, but worth noting if you’re a real stickler for that kind of thing)

Punctuation when using dialogue. A comma placed before the closing quotation marks end when the character is speaking.

“My name is Reginald” says Reginald.

“My name is Reginald,” says Reginald.

Sorry that got a little more technical than I thought it would. Nothing I said should be meant to offend, it’s merely constructive criticism. If you disagree or would like to question something I’ve mentioned, go ahead and comment it below or pm it instead. Thank you for submitting this story up for review.