Retreating Silhouette

 “Since when have you grown so tall?” How am I supposed to ruffle your hair now?

“It seems like I’ve grown taller than the tallest girl back in 6th grade,” he smiled confidently. Where was the shy boy I knew from 5 years ago? I rolled my eyes and managed a small smile.

How was it possible for a smile to make me feel this way?

We walked side by side in our previous primary school compound. It was a Saturday – nobody else was around as we recollected our memories. The aged playground looked smaller than what I had in mind.

It was at that faded red slide where he had slipped and scratched his knee at the age of 7. He had cried calling for his mother. The small and chubby Choi Junhong was pathetically laughed at. 

It was at that faded red slide where she first casted a magic spell on me. I will never forget the princess-printed band-aid she had gently applied on my wounded knee. She made all the pain disappear.

It was at those swings where the silly boy had come up with the idea of standing on the swings, instead of sitting down. He slipped and fell head-first onto the ground, crying in agony at the age of 8.

It was at those swings where I desperately wanted to impress her. It didn’t go as I had planned, but at least I made her laugh a little before she started to panic when she realized I was in serious pain.

It was at those rusty monkey bars where I, instead of hanging onto it, had cat-walked above the thin bars. All the other kids were so impressed by it and little Junhong decided to give it a try. I shook my head at the horrible memory.        

It was at those rusty monkey bars where she, as usual, never failed to be the coolest kid around. She was unlike any other girl. Instead of playing cooking with sand and stones, she’d do impressive stunt for a 9 year old. The sun shone against her gave off a heroic silhouette. She was taller, stronger and cooler than I ever was. I wanted to be just like her.

Because of my fail attempt to do so, I was admitted to the hospital for a fractured bone. Mom and Dad weren’t very happy about it. But I was; because she’d come over to visit every day with superhero comics.

We walked by the familiar corridors and finally came to our 4th grade classroom. It was on a sunny Monday morning when I didn’t finish my Mathematics homework. As a punishment, I had to stand outside of the class with both arms up and struggled to balance on one leg. Luckily, Junhong didn’t complete his homework too. I felt bad for feeling good about it.

Surprisingly, the memories were fresh in my mind. Our Mathematics teacher was well-known for being strict. But as I had the opportunity to exchange funny glances with her outside of class, despite the numbness of my limbs, I didn’t regret at all for hiding my completed homework under my desk.

We weren’t in the same class during 5th grade. Junhong got into a fight with the boys from his class. He got mad at me for standing up for him. “I don’t need your help.” His words had a great impact on me. Choi Junhong hated me.

The tallest girl in our grade stopped some boys from constantly hitting me. It was embarrassing. Weren’t I the one who was supposed to protect her? Why did she have to make me feel so pathetic? Did she look down unto me that much?   

When I was 12, I noticed how Junhong would turn away whenever I passed by. He’d look away when I had gathered the courage to smile at him. My friends said boys were inferior about their heights – he probably hated me because I was irritatingly taller than him.

It was ridiculous – but I grew to be really insecure.

How did she manage to look so beautiful? I couldn’t help but to adore her from afar. I hope she wouldn’t notice. A boy like me would never stand even the slightest chance. I’d helplessly stare as she walked away.

By the end of 6th grade, we were strangers.

“I heard there’s a new cafe opened nearby,” I said as we exited the school compound. He put his hands in his pocket and smiled, “Sure, let’s go.” How was it possible for him to make me feel this way even after all those years?

We walked to the cafe in silence. It’s funny how she’s so petite in comparison with me now. Her soft hair swayed from side to side as she walked. I saw her slightly shivering due to the cold breeze. Should I offer her my jacket? Would that be too much? Maybe it’d make her feel uncomfortable and burdened.

A high