Word count: 6438

Jongin sips at his hot chocolate and leans against his fridge staring at the calendar hung beside the kitchen countertop. It’s a late Thursday night, an hour where the inner city derives it’s nightlife reputation from the dampened sounds of drunken howls of partying business men, cars horns beeping while peak hour traffic nears an end and dogs barking, barely audible from within the desolated walls of Jongin’s apartment.

4 months left, tops.

He knew he didn’t need to be staring at the calendar to remind him of the unavoidable future that was approaching. He knew damn well how long there was left, right down to the last hour.

Ironically enough, the peaceful night is starting to build up a strain in his body. He needs something to occupy himself. He can’t let his mood wilt away with the serene night. Tired of feeling sorry himself, he slams mug the counter and marches towards the phone before dialling a number he's nearly forgotten.

“Hello?”  The man answers after 4 rings of the dial tone.

“Oh, hey. I didn’t think you’d actually pick up, I thought you’d be working right now.”

“Nope, it’s my night off tonight. Anyway what’s up?”

“Umm… well what are you doing tonight?”

~

“Are you sure you’re up for clubbing tonight?” Baekhyun peers to Jongin in the mirror where they both fix their hair. “We can just go out for dinner or watch a movie if that’s more your style.”

“It’s fine Baek. I just need to get my mind off things.” Jongin is much quieter than usual. He doesn’t look to Baekhyun, but instead leans closer to his reflection and fixes his hair in a bid to avoid eye contact with the elder.

“Hm, if you say so.”

Baekhyun is aware of what his friend is going through right now, and is weary to say anything that might trigger anymore cheerless behaviour. He feels as if he’s stepping on eggshells with Jongin the entire night, it’s evident throughout the night too.

Slowly walking into the club and analysing the dance floor for any pick-up potential, Baekhyun still notices that Jongin is not his usual self. What he expected to see was Jongin parading himself across the room and breaking out into sensual ing and arms pumping in the air to the hard beats of the club music as he enters the doors, but instead he keeps his grim face, following Baekhyun’s lead instead.

“Do you wanna dance?” Baekhyun leans to Jongin’s ear, exclaiming over the loud music.

“Not right now. I’m gonna go to the bar, you wanna come with?”

“Actually I’m gonna go outside to the smokers area, Chanyeol said to meet him there when we get here. Just come out when you’re done, okay?”

Jongin just nods in response before parting his ways with Baekhyun. The club is more packed than usual tonight. Jongin struggles to weave his way through lust-filled grinding bodies under rapidly flashing fluorescent lights. The smell of cigarettes, alcohol, and sweat within the room resonates thought Jongin’s nose, and with that carries his high school memories with old friends, remembering happier times. But his happiness was a different happiness to what he had before. Memories of drinking with Suho, Baekhyun and Chanyeol brings him fun, youthful, ‘in the moment” happiness – the kind that Jongin would look back on his life and say, “damn, my teenage years were the best.” But the happiness Kyungsoo brought him was more of a “settled” happy. Sure, reminiscing on distant memories would bring him happiness, but could he be truly happy if he had no one to share it with? Kyungsoo was that person he wanted to share his memories with, but he knows that by the way things are going now it can never happen, which then brings unwanted reminders of why he came out in the first place. Jongin’s mood comes to a halt again.

There are so many people around me, yet I’m still lonely.

Feeling restless, Jongin finally gets to the bar at the end of the room and sighs deeply as he settles himself on the stool. He doesn’t know why his usual pick-me-up wasn’t affecting his spirit the way he anticipated. There were hot guys with their shirts buttoned lower than usual, his favourite kind of music pumping from all corners of the room, alcohol and dancing all over the place, but wasn’t that enough to make him happy?

“What were you after, sir?”

The words of the bartender were just in time to distract Jongin’s deepening musing. Elbow on the bar top and forehead resting in his palm, only Jongin gaze drifts up to the bartender's name badge and takes a moment before answering. “Minseok, hey? Get me a vodka shot. Actually, make that five.”

“Five?” The bartender furrows his brows at Jongin’s demanding requests but then nods. “Coming right up.”

Jongin is so distracted in his thoughts that he doesn’t even notice the 5 aligned shot glasses right in front of him until the bartender actually has to tap his shoulder and ask if he’s going to drink them. Not even the roaring music or the loud chatter of strangers is getting to him. He takes each shot one by one, hoping to wash his thoughts down with him. He picks up the last shot glass and holds to his eye level, fiddling with it in his fingertips. His droopy eyes gaze at it briefly before he downs it in one gulp but holds on to the glass, clenching his fist as if to not let it go.

He feels his vision start to blur and his head start to spin as the night progresses. He hasn’t moved from seat all night, and he’s pondering on whether Baekhyun is still at the club. But all of that doesn’t matter right now. He’s still thinking of only one thing: Kyungsoo.

Jongin takes a risk and decides to finally leave the club, realising it hadn’t helped his mood as much he thought it would. He was too drunk to find Baekhyun and Chanyeol, so he figured he’d just text them in the morning. Jongin leaves the bar area and totters towards the exit in uncoordinated steps before he finally gets to the exit. He wants to see Kyungsoo while he still has the courage.

The walk was faster than he expected. Even though it was only a 20 minute walk from the venue to Kyungsoo’s apartment, it seemed even quicker as Jongin’s drunken mind has lost all concept of time. After 3 tiring flights of stairs, Jongin straightens his back and breathes in and out as he makes it up the stairs to Kyungsoo’s apartment room, preparing himself for the unnanounced confrontation to come. He sternly stares at the metal numbers drilled into the door before he knocks loudly, completely disregarding the time of night it was.

Jongin waits, but no one answers. He knocks again, and then someone finally opens the door in the midst of his knocking.

“Jongin? What are you d…oing here? Do you know what time it is?” Kyungsoo stammers. Jongin doesn’t notice this though.

“…No!” he proudly exclaims as he pumps his fist in the air. His features suddenly drop when realises why he’s here in the first place. “Kyungsoo, I miss you...” Jongin slurs as he walks right into Kyungsoo’s apartment. Kyungsoo can smell the alcohol on Jongin’s breath as his lips unintentionally brush against the older males cheek. Kyungsoo flushes from the bodily heat of their contact.

“Oh my God, a-are you drunk?” he turns around. Realising the time, he decides to close the door not make a scene that could wake any of his neighbours up.

“Just a little.” Jongin’s words are muffled as he collapses face flat on the couch. The younger shuffles until he's face up, styudying the roof that intruiged him so much in his drunk state. “I got drunk hoping that that I could forget you for just one night, but even when my blood turns into alcohol, you're still the only thing that crosses my mind.”

Jongin pauses the look to Kyungsoo from where he lays. “I guess maybe that's because nothing intoxicates me like you do.” Jongin buries his face into the couch again, “I miss you.” he pleads, childish pout evident in his tone.

“I told you to forget about me.”

Jongin gets back up and sits upright as he faces Kyungsoo at the doorway. “You think it’s that easy?”

“Of course not. I have t-t-to do the same too.” Kyungsoo is struggling to get his words out.

“Does that mean you love me?”

Kyungsoo’s eyelids drop as he just stares at the bottom right of the room.

“You do. Don’t you?” Jongin mumbles. Kyungsoo exhales heavily as he slowly paces towards the couch. Slowly taking a seat next to Jongin, the younger male grabs both his hands and stares him dead in his doe eyes. “Why are we apart then? People who are in love don’t avoid each other!”

“I told you, I don’t want to hurt you!” Kyungsoo growls as his tries to avoid eye contact with Jongin.

“But you’re hurting me now, what’s the difference?”

Kyungsoo can tell. In fact, Kyungsoo knows what Jongin is going through, because he himself has to go through it everyday. How can one just simply forget about their first love after all?

Kyungsoo paces towards the kitchen in the darkness of the apartment. The gleaming moonlight from the full moon is just enough to illuminate the both of them. “Jongin, you… have to leave. It’s late.”

“So you don’t love me back?”

Kyungsoo is stuck. He doesn’t know what else to do. Jongin is persistent as ever and the fact that he’s intoxicated isn’t helping. He knew what that what he was about to say could break Jongin, but it was best he did it now. Kyungsoo stands up in front of Jongin and declared “No! I don’t love you!”

“W—what?” Jongin chokes.

Kyungsoo turns around to avoid Jongin’s glistening eyes. Just one look at them was enough to make him crack too.

“I don’t love you, Jongin. I n-never have. Everything was just a little crush. That’s all it was!” Kyungsoo’s tears are falling down his cheeks. His balled fists are shaking beside his body. He’s physically restraining himself from wiping his tears and to control the sniffles from his runny nose. He doesn’t want Jongin to see him like this. Weak.

Hearing Jongin’s sniffles as his palms softens the sounds of his cries, Kyungsoo abruptly makes his way to his bedroom, leaving Jongin sobbing by himself. Kyungsoo takes a moment to wipe his tears and pull himself back together returns after a moment with his arms filled.

“What’s that?” Jongin looks up from his head resting in his palms.

“Here. Take it. Your jumper you gave me. Your paintbrushes you got me for Christmas. All of it.” Kyungsoo stretches his arms out and dumps it on a weeping Jongin, who doesn’t even make a reaction to catch it. “Now g-go, please.”

Jongin doesn’t answer, nor move. He just continues to sob in his palms.

“Jongin, did you hear me? I said leave!” Kyungsoo’s voice is powerful enough for other residents to hear, but luckily no one comes out and says anything. Jongin takes the jumper and whatever paint brushes are in arms reach and marches out the apartment door. Kyungsoo is left alone with the mess remaining.

Jongin spends the remainder of his night crying in the empty staircase at the end of the hallway. His drunken sobs resonate throughout the silence of the night as he cries into the sweater and inhales Kyungsoo’s lingering scent. He is tired, but it’s the tired that sleep can’t fix. He blankets Kyungsoo’s sweater over himself and cries himself to sleep on the cold uncomfortable ridges he curls himself into.

~

“Jongin?” Jongin isn’t sure if someone is rocking him or if he’s in a dream. “Jongin, wake up!” The rocking gets more forceful as he tries to brush it off.

Having enough of the disturbance, Jongin opens his eyes to the bright rays of morning. He put’s his palm to his throbbing forehead and opens one eye. “Kyungsoo?” Jongin groans.

“Did you sleep here?”

“Why do you care?” Jongin closes his eyes again and tries to make comfortable on the stairs as he turns around.

Kyungsoo just sighs in annoyance. “C’mon, get up.” Kyungsoo’s in no condition to be physically exerting himself, but he makes an exception for Jongin, just this once. He lifts Jongin up and cradles his right arm around Jongin’s chest, helping him inside his apartment.

“Drink this.” The warm aroma of freshly grinded coffee seeps into Jongin’s nose as he cradles it within the blanket he’s wrapped in.

Kyungsoo places both hands outwards leaning on the sink and stares out to the city from his kitchen window when Jongin breaks the silence.

“I know you didn’t mean what you said last night.”

“W-what?”

“I saw you wiping your tears in your room last night.”

“So?”

“So,” he mockingly repeats, emphasising the sound of his ‘o’, “Tell yourself you don’t have feelings for me all you want, but you know you’re lying to yourself.”

There’s no response from Kyungsoo.

“Sit with me for a second.”

“I’ve g-g-got to go.” Kyungsoo stammers turns around. “Lock up when you’re done.”

“Kyungsoo.” Jongin demands. Kyungsoo sighs as he sits on the couch. It’s only in proximity and the light of day when Jongin notices how much Kyungsoo has changed some more. His body looks frail and delicate, and his hair has thinned significantly too. The natural lighting of the apartment refracts the hues of his unhealthy pale skin. Jongin has also paid attention to Kyungsoo’s stuttering and slow replies. They’ve gotten worse since he’s last seen him.

“You’re dying.” Jongin began.

“What’s your…” Kyungsoo rolls his palm around trying to conger up the words he’s looking for, “point?”

“Kyungsoo, listen to me. You’re dying.” Kyungsoo squints at Jongin’s serious gaze trying to figure what he’s getting at. “Sure, you’re trying to protect me and you’re pushing me away so I won’t hurt from your death. I get that.”

“Well, yeah but—”

“But what about you?” Jongin’s stare drifts to the window by the kitchen sink. “I can see pain in your eyes. You’re suffering. You’re lonely.”

“And how do you know?”

Jongin turns back to Kyungsoo. “I see that look in my eyes in the mirror. Every ing time I look at myself. What good is protecting my feelings at the cost of your own? You're going to die with shame and regret, and knowing you had the chance to change it all makes it even worse.”

Silence blankets over them for a moment. “It’s not going to m-m-matter once I’m dead anyway, so—”

“But you’re not dead right now; you’re alive, and that matters. And while you are alive, you should be making memories. Ones where you can proudly say on your deathbed, “I ing lived my life”. Don’t you agree?”

Kyungsoo’s gloomy expression transforms into a small smile. “…Fine.”

“You mean it?” Jongin gasps in excitement.

“Yeah. Let’s live. Together. Let’s live everyday like it’s my last. Only if it’s for a short time. You're my boyfriend after all.”

Jongin's gobsmacked at how he even persuaded Kyungsoo into being together with him again. But he doesn't question it. He's just too happy in caught in the moment to care about everything.

~

“Here we go,” Jongin grunts as he drops the boxes of Kyungsoo’s belongings onto his apartment floor and puts down Kyungsoo on the couch, “We’re finally home.” Kyungsoo can’t help but smile at the sight and even the crisp aroma of Jongin’s apartment. He missed it, and he