Dear Diary,

As I said I was left pregnant, alone and scared, so I did what came natural, I cried like I never cried before. I hated the feeling when you really have no emotion. You feel so empty inside. You're not happy, or sad, you literally feel nothing when your mind, body and soul are spinning out of control leaving you completely numb in order to deal with it.

Not a day had gone by that I didn't miss since he walked away. I missed him more and more with each passing day him. I wanted him back, No I needed him back. I wanted him to know and feel and experience everything with me. I wanted him to feel the pain he caused, the exuberant happiness, the loneliness, the sadness every emotion I felt inside because of him. I wanted him to go through it with me. But how could I when he wasn't even here with me? 

I tried to find him failing miserably.

I traveled to all if his usual hangouts asking if anyone had seen him always receiving the same answer, always told no. Either they we're lying or the man just suddenly fell off the face of the earth. I choose to believe they were lying though I could see the pity they had for me in their eyes.

For days, weeks, months I hung outside various places for hours, Eventually just going to the cafe we used to frequent sipping on coffee or tea hoping for just a glance always leaving disappointed and disheartened.  My insides growing cold and bitter like the bitter weather outside I stood and waited in as time passed between us.  

Weeks and soon months began to pass as I searched for just a sign of him. Anything to prove my life for the past few years wasn't just some fabricated made up dream. Howbeit my constantly growing tummy gave proof I wasn't dreaming. Reality was our love was a dream that ended like a nightmare.

I was about four months along when the days started getting longer, the bitterness of the winter began to warm and soon the snow melted away reveiling the first signs of spring. The trees began to blossom all around me and the soft blissful fragrant smell of flowers left me in higher spirits then I've been in awhile. Signs of warmth and renewal slowly took over me and brought signs of new hope dreaming Jiyong would come to his senses and soon see he was meant for me. Or so I thought as I continued to keep trying.

Eventually school's had finished and summer vacations had begun and alas the beginning of the end of my weary search for the missing Kwon Jiyong.

After months of searching I just couldn't take it anymore. No matter how hard I dreamt, I was learning the hard way that dreams are only dreams. My heart bled, my tears could of filled many rivers, my saddened body ached from the constant torment and misery I was deliberately putting myself through, just to find a man who didn't want to be found. I needed to open my eyes and face my reality and thanks to a rude awakening from a waitress I had to finally accept the fact that he was really gone.

It was a warm sunny day in June and everything felt right. Blame the hormones and constant mood swings. You figured they would of somewhat ceased after six months but no. I had been feeling lighter and brighter then I had in recent weeks even wearing a smile on my face. Trees were in full bloom, the sky was a soft shade of blue with not a single cloud in the sky. Content and relaxed I closed my eyes letting my skin absorb the warmth the sun had to offer as I headed out for the day. The streets were lined with students coming home and families out enjoying the wonderful weather after a long cold brutal winter.

I had headed to the usual cafe I used to go to Jiyong and sat there with my warm muffin and tea once again waiting for the man I hoped would one day return. To be honest I already thought he would of shown by now and now showing up everyday was just out of habit. Plus it didn't help that I refused to believe he really wasn't coming back.

The waitress was fairly new but was quick to notice how I had been hanging around. At first she was polite only making small talk before going her way. Whether or not something happened in her life that had put her in a foul mood that day or she just grew tired of looking at me everyday, I will never know.

She had given me my usual blueberry muffin and warm nettle tea and stood there quietly next to me as I nibbled my food.

"Is there something wrong?" I smiled finally finding the courage to ask, after she stood there ogling me for what felt like forever.

"I was just admiring your expanding belly." she smiled back.

Not sure what to say I just smiled and said "oh."

I was semi used to the looks already. The shameful looks from strangers who looked at her shaking their heads at her with conviction and shame after seeing her ring less finger. It was something I had to learn to deal with. Being a single mother in the thirties was considered a sinful disgrace and I knew it.

Silence once again washed over us as she remained at the table glaring at me. Feeling awkward I slowly sipped on my tea waiting for her to say something,

"I couldn't help notice that your also always alone." emphasizing the alone.

I gulped a large portion of the tea hoping to avoid the subject, praying she would go away if I ignorned her Sadly she just kept standing over me.

"You know I heard the rumors about why your always here and don't you think it's a little pathetic? Your waiting for a man who obviously doesn't want you."

I could feel the angry from her word as she carried on.

"Single mothers are bad for children. I can't believe that you really want to carry a bastard child. If I were you I'd abort it, after all no man would want a woman who has a child out of wedlock. No man is dumb enough to accept it or a woman who has sinned. If I were you I'd get rid of it and pretend it never happened."

I had heard enough. I was appalled and outraged at this young girl's shockingly disturbing words. Shaking I placed my hands on the table lifting myself up and faced her in the eye. Her eyes said it all, to her I was a disgrace to society and her righteous attitude seemed to be all she needed to justify her words. To me she was no better then I, just a rude, mannerless girl that still needed to learn to grow up.

SMACK!

Never in my life had I ever smacked anyone like I did with her. Remaining silent I smiled watching her shocked expression as she held her cheek already turning red with my hand print clear across it. Keeping my dignity and pride I refused to cry in front of her, casually walking away from the cafe knowing full well everyone's shocked eyes were watching me as I walked away, never to return.

I hated to admit her words stung like silver daggers piercing my heart and after a few blocks I could no longer hold myself together and let myself fall to the ground, crying my eyes out. I was so immersed in my own pain that I hadn't even noticed I was followed or even been caught in someone's arms as I finally gave in to my aching body and just cried it all out.

The little stoke of the hair eased me, comforted me when I needed to be comforted. My blurry eyes couldn't make out who held me though I could tell by the firmness of the body it was a male. I was just grateful that someone was just there. Whomever held me as I cried my heart out instantly became my angel even if for a brief moment in time. His arms lent me a safe harbor protecting me as they wrapped around my body holding me rather tightly. 

I remember closing my eyes for a brief moment in time as I cried envisioning Jiyong as the one holding me, shattering my own illusion as I scolded myself for forgetting that he left.

Finally calming down, I yawned and gathered my strength to see who my brief knight in shining armor had been, floored and delighted at the same time. 

"Seungri?" I couldn't help but smile.

His meek sad smile reflected the pain he showed looking at me.

"I'm home Chaerin."

Hurt washed over me and once again I felt like crying seeing the disappointment he had for me. I hated it, he was suppose to be my best friend yet he gave me the same saddened, pitiful look everyone else did. Noticing my pout, or my eyes begin to water, he snickered at him shaking his head.

"I'm not disappointed in you because your pregnant."

"I swear sometimes that man was a mind reader.

"You're not?" I couldn't help ask sounding a little squeaky.

"No! I'm hurt that you felt the need to go through all of this alone when I was just a phone call away. I'm hurt watching you cry knowing I'll never be the one who can make you truly happy and I'm bothered by the fact that you keep looking for reasons to be unhappy, when I have quietly stood by your side when I know I can make you happy."

And to be honest he was right. That's when I decided it was time to stop. I owed myself that. I owed the baby that. I owed the baby happiness, a mother who was happy. What good was I to bring  a I had a feeling it was a boy into the a world of self pity and unhappiness.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not the one you need to apologize to." he smiled.

That day marked the first day I learned to let go and learned to accept my fate.

Remember how I told you I was going to explain how Seungri fit into all of this? Well here it is.

I had found out later that Bom had been the one to spill the beans to Seungri. With Seunghyun off to war, she was home raising their first child alone. A little girl named Lillian Summer Choi. Daddy's little princess. She understood the difficult time I was having and was worried to death that I was going to do something stupid. I was depressed but I was never suicidal, she just assumed I was. She wanted me to move in with her, get me out of my apartment and away from the painful memories, in a sense I probably should of but I wasn't ready at the time. Her over sense of worry for me ended up telling Seungri everything and since that day he never left my side.

With Seungri by my side I began to feel happier. All the things I wanted to experience with Jiyong, I got to experience with Seungri. Not once did he ever pressure me to be with him, he just remained my loyal best friend, my supportive best friend. It was Seungri who held my hand when I was scared, or overwhelmed. It was Seungri who showed up to all of my appointments, who tied my shoes when I no longer could. It was Seungri who made me laugh and held me when I cried.

It It was funny watching him go through the emotions with me, in fact I think he became more emotional then I was. It was funny watching a grown man cry over nothing.

Please let me explain. One of my favorite memories when I was pregnant was I walked into the kitchen and caught him stuffing his face when pickles and ice cream topping it off with some strawberry jam. He had been having "cravings" if you understand what I mean.

He looked like a child who was caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar. Granted I'm sure if I had cookies in the cupboard he would of have some of those too. His cheeks were puffed out and  filled like a squirrel. Crumbs fell from his lips and covered his cheeks. I just stood there watching him with such amusement that it was hard to refrain myself from laughing as he stood there blinking blankly at me before coming to his senses.

"Don't make fun of me. I was hungry." he said with a stuffed mouth.

I couldn't help but laugh. I just couldn't hold it any longer. As I did he puckered his lips in a pout, next thing I knew his lips were quivering as he burst out in tears. This was the first time in my life I had ever seen him cry. The longer he stayed, the more I began to feel like he was the one pregnant instead of me.

The anxiety, the nausea, the mood swings were all there. Even though I was experiencing them less and less, he acted like he was in his first trimester. I gained five pounds, he gained ten. I really believe he was more excited about it then I was and it was my child, Mine, not his, MINE! Watching him as he was filled with such happy energy made me happy and soon I realized that I was beginning to miss Jiyong less and less with Seungri next to me through it all.

Another precious moment with Seungri was when Bom forced me to go out shopping with her, she insisted on buying the baby new clothes. I kept insisting that I didn't need them, that what she had given me was perfectly acceptable but with a huff she pulled me out and dragged me with, letting me waddle behind her annoyed but appreciative none the less. By the time we arrived back I was drained of all energy and felt like I could sleep for days. The moment I got home the only thing I had expected to do was go straight to bed, instead I was greeted by a disturbing enthusiastic Seungri covering my eyes. Forcing me, he kept my eyes covering giggling at me each time I protested until he suddenly stopped and uncovered my eyes. I gasped in awe, a complete loss for words and filled with a renewed energy.

"Do you like it?"

I didn't even realize I was shaking as I looked around the designated room we chose for the baby. Three of the walls were now painted a smoky grey complimenting the one and only pink and white wallpaper that seemed to have glitter in it dazzled and shined against the grey wall. The white furniture with pink bedding and curtains fit nicely in the room that seemed fitting for any princess. I just hoped I had a girl after this.

I was floored by his enthusiastic manner that I couldn't help but be touched. I just couldn't understand why he would do all of this for me? Why was I so special?

"Why me?" I needed to know?

With a small sigh he placed his hands on my shoulders and made me look into his sincere eyes

"When your attracted to someone, it's because of the small details, their eyes, their smile, their kindness, the way they make you feel inside. If  I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, then you would see just how special you are to me and much I long to be the one to make you happy. Besides that Chaerin just because he gave up doesn't mean I ever have.

I couldn't help but smile that night. I love random memories that make me smile. 

How could I not see Seungri for what he was? All of these wasted years not really seeing the real him. It was like I had finally woken up and saw him for the first time. It was also the first time I made love to him. The first of many as I found my heart starting to mend. To finally see what I was really missing.

It was two months later that we finally made everything official. In fact it was a warm hot summer day. I wasn't feeling well at all. I was tired, my back hurt, my feet hurt and I kept feeling a cramping feeling in my lower regions. Taking a nap I suddenly woke up screaming in pain. I had never experienced pain like this. I was scared out of my mind. Luckily Seungri remained calm and next thing I knew I was being dragged away and admitted in. It was time.

Hours passed as I laid there trying my hardest to remain calm like they told me to. Though I swore like a sailor that night. I'm sorry but it was hard to remain calm when it feel sharp knifelike contractions. Finally after what felt like an eternity I gave birth to a beautiful little girl.

Ji Yoon Lee born August 19 1939 12:09 am

Just missing Jiyong's birthday by minutes. Her birth just another sad reminder in the back of my mind.

Seungri didn't give me time to think about it though. The way he held her in his arms, the proud look in his eyes as he held her in his arms for the first time I knew right then and there whom I wanted to be with. My heart had finally fell hard. To me he was like a butterfly. A butterfly doesn't know the color of their wings, but human eyes know just how beautiful they are and Seungri was my butterfly. Inside he really didn't know just how beautiful he was, but to me he had become special

I don't know what possessed me that day but I needed to know, why was he so nice to me? I didn't feel like I deserved it at all. I know I sound like a broken record asking him again. I guess I just needed reassurance.

Holding Jiyoon selfishly he looked at me with the utmost love and adoration in his eyes

"Because nothing in this world makes me happier and nothing in this world makes me sadder then you. When I tell you I love you, I don't say it out of habit. I say it remind you and hope one day you'll put your faith into me and learn to love me back. Why? Because I simply love you."

That man knew how to make me cry and smile at the same time. He warmed by bitter cold heart, thawwing it after I thought it would remain frozen deep inside of me. I chose to be with him giving him my all, never once regretting it. Becoming a family together giving him two children of his own. Married until death due us part.

Not once did he ever make Jiyoon feel like she was any less important then the others. Always treating her like she was his, even though she had Jiyong's eyes, his smile and his playful spirit, constantly reminding me of him.  

Seungri is the reason I once again learned to once again dance in the rain, cherish all of moments with a smile on my face. He is the reason I learned to ignore the pain and learned to laugh and live my life all over again. You know what they say The best place in the world is in the arms of someone who will not only hold you in your best, but will pick you up and hug you tight at your weakest moment. He reminded me that it was okay to smile, to laugh, to be happy. I stopped looking for reasons to be unhappy and learned to focus on all the things I did have and never regretted once.

They say the best feeling in the world is realizing that you're perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed and you know what it's true. Jiyong chose to leave, he chose to leave me behind and never return, not I. I was wrong to assume that he loved me as much as I loved him. The only thing I regret was wasting so much useless time waiting for someone who didn't love as much as I loved him. But because of him I learned to see and appriciate what I was too blind to see and learned to open my eyes.

So after seventy years of being with the same man, raising a family, seeing them raise their own families, and so on......how does my love story with Jiyong have a happy ending?

Well it all started with a faithful knock on my door..............