Dear Diary,

I bet you if you could talk you would have a million questions for me. Like how can a sad love be happy? How can I love someone who never had feelings back for me my entire life? Truthfully it's not that I chose it to be that way nor was this the life I chose for myself.  It was my heart's desire. It chose to love him and chose to miss him as well. My heart chose to feel misery, to feel love all at the same time. It was my heart that made me want to be selfish and to also learn how to love unselfishly.

For me love is like a temporary madness that erupts like volcano's and then subsides. Love is not a breathless desire to mate every second of the day. It is something you have to work out together, something to figure out together. Ponder on whether or not your roots are so entwined together, that it's inconceivable if you should ever part. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away and both becomes an art and a fortunate accident. I think Elizabeth Gilbert said it best. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever is too painful. They come and go into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then leave, or at least that's what I believe.

To understand everything I should start from the beginning. My name is Lee Chae Rin. I was born in Seoul, the year 1918. I didn't have many friends growing up but the friends I did have been remarkable. I never would have traded them for the world. Notably my best friend. His name Lee Seunghyun the second. He had an older brother with the same name, thereby gaining the nickname Seungri.

Growing up we were inseparable. Seungri was the one person that knew me inside out. He knew my secrets, my hopes, my dreams, and I knew his. The two of always seemed to be in sync with one another, always finishing each others sentences. I knew when he was sad, when he was happy, his quirky habits, what each smile meant, when he was worried and visa versa. I could read his thoughts without him even voicing them. He was the one I needed and leaned on growing up. Seungri was my one true friend, The one who always took care of me without questions. 

Everyone always assumed we'd one day get married because of our marvelous friendship. Why am I mentioning him? Don't worry you'll soon understand the answer. It may not be today or tomorrow but you'll soon find out. I promise.

I can't say I was unhappy growing up, I had a loving family, good friends to make me laugh, yet some part of me never felt whole. I always felt I was missing some part of me. At first I couldn't place it. I never fully understood it and tried my hardest to push that feeling away. The loneliness, the slight bitterness detachment that never goes away no matter how happy you are. The older I got, the more prominent it became.

Seungri, the boy who was now becoming a man, couldn't fill that void I suffered deep within. He loved me and I loved him. I just wasn't in love with him. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't love him the same way he loved me and he knew that. Not once did he ever make me feel guilty for it, in return it always left me feeling guilty. He wanted more than I felt I could ever give.

Seungri had become a college man and wanted me to follow him moving our friendship to the next level. My friends laughed at me whenever I would ask them what was wrong with me? How do you know if your in love? Because to be honest at the time I loved Seungri but at the same time I didn't. There was something missing leaving me confused. They would always reply it's just because you're young, you'll grow to love him. That sounded ridiculous to me, how do you grow to love somebody? It was just plain silliness yet I still wondered what if. and do I?

I asked Seungri's older brother Seunghyun and his wife Bom how do you know when you're in love? Their answer it's just a feeling. A feeling like you belong together.

Their dotting, lovey-dovey smiles, the small tender touches no one else noticed and the warmth that seemed to animate from just a look. I noticed it all. Then it happened, I had an epiphany, I realized what was wrong with me? I wanted what they had. I wanted someone to look at me the way they did.  I wanted to look at someone the way they did and I knew not once did I ever look at Seungri like that.  I wanted to feel love. Not just any love. I wanted to feel true love. I just too nieve to understand until that very moment when it happened.

Did I expect it to happen, no, but it did. How? Well let me tell you.

The year was 1939. It was a time of darkness towards our nation and the world in general. Germany had invaded Poland as France and Canada had declared war against Germany. It was a sad time as we sat around listening to radio stations, telling us gruesome stories. Innocent people being tortured and murder by a viciously evil dictator named Adolf Hitler. Japan, London and even the United States of America took a stance for justice, leaving the world nervously crazy and desperate for relief from it.

Elle Fitzgereld, Benny Goodman played on the radio along with acts by Bob Hope giving us laughs the world so desperately needed.

I stood in front of the gold plated elaborate mirror admiring my reflection in the full length mirror. I borrowed one of Bom's dresses for the special evening. A dazzling sleeveless long white lace dress with a deep fish tail and a v neck showing off more cleavage than I normally showed, but it was a special night. Besides that I covered up with the softest white mink shawl Seunghyun and Bom gave me for my birthday, finishing it off with a rose brooch. I felt like a princess at the moment.

That night marked my twenty first birthday. The day I no longer was considered a child but a woman. So a special day needed a special dress and I do admit I looked stunning in it. As I said I felt like a princess.

This was the first time I was legally able to enter a bar. Not that ever stopped me before. Seunghyun ran the bar and always let me in to watch the amazing jazz musicians that had come and gone throughout the years. Thanks to him I managed to see the number of legends, Bing Crosby, The Boswell sisters, George Gershwin to name a few and thanks to him I met Bom. The older woman I adopted as my older sister.

This wasn't any bar this was Bom's bar. It wasn't technically her's but the place wouldn't survive without her sultry voice entertaining the men and women who came just to hear her sweet sounding voice. She was beautiful, talented and I wanted to be her.

I followed her early in the night like I did numerous times before the place opened and after studying my reflection making sure not a hair of my new died blonde hair and makeup was out of place. I headed my way up to the empty stage.

As silly as it was I loved being up there singing my heart out though no one heard me. I did it for fun and tonight I wanted to be a star. I imagined a room full of people eagerly awaiting to listen. I could hear soft jazz music playing in the background. The piano man giving me a wink as he started playing. I closed my eyes just listening to the music playing in my head and began singing into the turned off microphone. I decided to be the queen of soulful jazz herself, the one and only Elle Fitzgerald. 

Its not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me, oh no
Its just the nearness of you

It isn't your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation, oh no
Its just the nearness of you

Frankly I felt silly and giggled.

I panicked hearing someone clapping. Startled I opened my eyes and saw Jiyong for the first time gazing at me. For the first time I felt the it that Bom mentioned. That Bam! Everything around me faded away until the only thing I saw was his sweet smile and warm dark brown eyes gazing back at me. It was love at first sight and intuition if you call it told me he was the only one I needed in my life. My one and only you could say.

"I'm sorry. I didn't need to startle you. It's just when I heard you're voice I felt hypnotized and had to come hear you. I'm sorry to startle you." he shyly stated blushing.

I remained quiet feeling just as shy as he did. I didn't know what to say or do? Paralyzed by my rapidly beating my heart. I thought I was going to die. I never felt my heart beat so hard. He cautiously took a few steps closer, still looking at the ground, glancing my way every few seconds.

I began to wonder what was going through his head. Was it possible he felt just like I did at this very moment? Maybe I was loony imagining things that weren't there? Maybe he was shy?

"I can leave if you want to continue?"

He turned away apprehensively from me and that's when my heart just stopped. Something inside of me told me if I let him leave I'd miss out an opportunity of a lifetime.

I needed to take a chance.

Finding the courage and my voice once I reached out grabbing the back of his crisp white shirt, clinging for dear life and I began to sing once again.  

When you're in my arms and I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams come true

He turned around bashfully. His cheeks still a slight shade of pink as he watched me carefully. I held my hand up as an invitation for him to hold. His warm hand left me feeling butterflies as my body tingling inside. Letting out a chuckle he pulled me to him. My back against his, my body melting into his as we lightly swayed turning my song into a duet becoming my Louis Armstrong. This was the first time I felt that thing that was missing, the first time I felt whole or complete. In my heart I knew I found what I was searching for, I was home in his arms.   

I need no soft lights
To enchant me
If you'll only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night

This was the first of many wonderful nights together.

Two years later we we're still together. We had our up and downs like any couple throughout the years. We had good times together. One of my fondest memories of him occurred on our second anniversary.

For weeks as I walked home I always walked past stopping in front of the local jewelry shop. I gazed admiring the mother of pearl necklace in the window. It had three layers to it and five opal shapes black onyx put together like a flower. I wanted it but couldn't afford it. At the moment Jiyong didn't have a job. The factory he worked for had gone under making things harder. I tried to be patient, I tried my hardest to understand and for the most part I was but there were times it became tough.

On my salary alone we barely made rent and at times when I felt desperate thinking we wouldn't survive. I'd watch him fill out job application after job application always being turned down. Not once did he complain and always tried to be positive. I felt the dejection and hopelessness starting to set in whenever he thought I wasn't looking. With all the added stress my once happy go lucky man became a stranger. I also began to notice the smaller things finding myself growing agitated with him. I couldn't stand to hurt him more than he was, so I bottled it all up. For months I would see him walk around in a funk as he was letdown. I did everything to make him happy, but we began to talk less to each other. Some nights we didn't bother to talk at all.

There where nights sometimes he wouldn't come home at all.  When he did he reeked of alcohol and stale cigars. It broke my heart watching his spirit slowly fade and die. He still loved me but deep down I also knew he was no longer the man I had fallen head over heels in love with. I caught myself reminiscing old memories of times when things were better. 

So if looking at a small piece of jewelry made me happy then why not? It didn't hurt anyone or anybody to look right? One particular day I followed my usual routine unaware that I was being followed. I ogled at the pretty necklace like I did five times a week when all of a sudden everything went dark. I smiled as hands flew over my eyes.

"Peek a boo. I see you." Jiyong whispered.

I smiled wide picturing his happy smile, smiling at me even though I couldn't see it for myself and let him wrap his loving warm arms around me. No matter how rough life got I was always safe and happiest in his arms.

"What'cha looking at?" He whispered before kissing my cheek.

"Nothing." I answered.

"Hmm it doesn't look like nothing." he grinned at me stealing a kiss on the cheek.

He had caught me red handed I giggled.

"I was just looking and nothing more." I sighed.

His face turned somber nevertheless he still had a smile on his face as he looked with me into the window of the shop.

"One day I promise you'll have everything you deserve."

And you know what I believed him.

By the time our second anniversary rolled around I had forgotten all about the necklace. I had been busy with my job and now with a second job as a waitress, I needed to do to survive. I had stopped going all together. I was tired, sore and run down, nonetheless, I remained excited about the day. I wanted to know what he had planned? Was he going to take me out? I also worried if we could afford it? I tried to my hardest to pry it out of him without sounding like a nag or being too direct.

Trust me it wasn't an easy task to do.

I found myself getting frustrated at his nonchalant answers. The whole day I kept hearing him give me answers like Oh is today special? Should I remember something? I thought he had forgotten. As the day progressed my little heart broke. I felt like a fool thinking that I was in love with someone who didn't love me the same way back. How could I be so stupid and foolish. I was hurt by his tranquil laid back behavior that I wanted to cry. The worst of it was he told me he needed to be alone for a while asking me to leave for an hour or so.

No problem there. I became so angry that I no longer wanted to be there and needed to get away before I did something I would one day regret. I didn't care that it was pouring out. I needed to get away. I needed to be alone to gather my thoughts. I took off the moment I thought he wasn't paying attention. Not even bothering to grab a jacket to keep myself warm. I wanted out of there and didn't want to be followed. I ran out as fast as my little legs could, letting my tears fall. I made it about half a block before I fell to my knees and cried my eyes out.

Within minutes he had found me placing a jacket around me holding and umbrella over me.

"Leave me alone. I don't want to be near you." I wiped the tears away yelling at him.

"I'm sorry Chae."

He gave me his best sorrowful sad look and for a split second I wanted to believe him. He stepped closer to me and I pushed him away.

"I deserved that."

I crossed my arms looking away. There was no point hiding my disappointment in him, he already knew.

Getting down on his knees he wrapped his arms around me from behind, whispering his sad and sorrowful apology in my ear.

"Do you even know why I'm mad?" I questioned him.

Jiyong let out a small chuckle in my ear. "Because you thought I had forgotten our special day."

I chuckled back still angry though it subsided. "Go on."

Once again he let out another chuckle, and I began to feel the cool droplet of the rain fall on me as they ran down his face. I inhaled his scent as he held me tight. His warm intoxicating scent that I just couldn't get enough of. I didn't want him to let go though I was still mad at him still that's what he did. Leaving the cold bite of the icy rain to fall on me once again. It didn't last very long within moments he had his arms stretched out in front of me. His one hand clasping something tight.

"I'm sorry for teasing you earlier. I wanted to surprise you."

Opening his palm I couldn't help but gasp as the pearl necklace fell and dangled from his hand. I felt the warmth of his body as he once again held me tight.

"Chaerin I know we are going through some rough times right now and all I can say is Thank-You! Thank-You for staying by my side even though you had every reason to leave,"

I shifted making myself face him and found myself gazing into those pitiful doleful brown eyes gazing back into mine. My hand grazing his cheek brought a small smile to his face as I wiped away some of the rain from that sweet mug of his.

"Thank-You for everything even if I made your life a living hell at points. I want you to know how important you are to me and I want you to know just how much I love and appreciate everything you do for me. Just knowing you are always there for me make me smile. I have never loved you more than I do at this second and I'll never love you any less than I do at this moment. Chaerin Lee will you do the honor of marrying me?"

You know the best thing in life is finding someone who knows all of your flaws, mistakes, and still cherishes you for all of it and that's the kind of love I had for him. I looked at the necklace dangling from his hand and spotted something there I missed the first time. A small gold ring hung on it right near the flower. How I missed it I'm not sure?

All of my anger dissolved immediately.

It wasn't the ring or the necklace that made me happy that night. I laughed at myself for ever thinking he didn't love me anymore. I felt silly for even thinking that in the first place. What made me happy was knowing that he did love me and wanted nothing more than to be with me. I let him carry me home and together we made love that night in front of the fireplace. I ended up with an unexpected bonus gift that night.

Thinking back I know I should have questioned him that night but in retrospect I didn't want to. I wanted to feel nothing more than the love I badly wanted from him. 

I think this is a good spot to end for the night. As we part our ways for I will leave you with my favorite way to end a letter.

Forever with Love,

Chaerin

Thank-You to everyone who subscribed. I appreciate it as always. =D

The link below in case you were curious to hear the song they sang. 

http://youtu.be/JhaCNIpAnPs

I hope you enjoyed. Until next have a good day.