I will not burst into tears.

It's cold outside and the rain that finished falling a few minutes ago cling to my eyebrows and the tips of my hair. A gray sky looms over me, great and big, just finished shedding its last tears. I couldn't make it to Mae's funeral - I was too heartbroken - so I show up today in a long trench coat, its sides flapping in the wind. Everything seems dull and worn out as if the world went into the washing machine too many times. It seems like fitting weather for my private funeral, somber and depressed and downright sad.

It didn't match Mae at all.

As I stare at the gray chunk of stone in front of me, all I can think about is the things we did together. I still remember every memory of us together with vivid colors, so bright I nearly collapse to the ground. The feeling of her lips still linger on mine and her hair still smells like lavender in my memory. I try not to close my eyes, but when I do, I envision a exuberant Mae jumping up and down the moment I got home from the university and pouncing on me like a cheetah, nearly hugging me to death. An aura surrounded her entirely and a soft glow always covered her in a seemingly endless beauty. Her smile lit up the vicinity and it made me drop my jaw in awe. I'll never forget that smile. Ever.

And now, the world is so dark without her. The universe is watching over me and I can't bring myself to look away from the name on the headstone. I'm afraid I'll just drop to the ground and let my tears flow like a river. I'll drown in my sorrows and join Mae, way up in the clouds, flying from heaven. I cannot imagine what we'll do then, but I imagine we'll be a great pair.

Right now, I'm thinking of all the things I could've done better. Especially the fact that she was locked in the hospital for forever. That memory is even more vivid than the happy memories. When we broke up after seven years of our romance, Mae starved herself, cut herself, put herself in danger. Hell, she nearly went for my neck when I saw her a few months later, and the police dragged her away from my doorstep. I still wince every time I hear her screams piercing the air around me. "Taemin oppa! Why? Why!" Those words will forever be etched into my brain, throbbing as if it were freshly imprinted in there.

Since then, I visited Mae every so often without her knowledge and gazed at the girl through that window on her door. She never really saw me. Mae was either engraving more drawings on the wall, painting on her arm, or simply staring out the window. Her glow was still everlasting and never faded away, even with her dull surroundings. Every time I looked at her, the old Mae was always reflected behind her, hazy and blurry. The two girls merged in and out with each other and I could never seem to figure out which Mae was which.

I didn't know which Mae was and wasn't mine.

A memory hits me square in the face, and I nearly stumble backward while thinking about it.

"Read it again," Mae says, her eyes closed and her shining black hair sprawled in my lap. The sun is shining down on our faces and makes each flower in the field burst with more flowers and I love every single bit of our surroundings - the flowers, the sun, the sky.

And most of all, Mae.

I chuckle, slightly shocked by her sudden request. "I read it to you five times already."

"Well, I like that poem. Read it."

Mae was always so feisty. I loved that about her.

I clear my throat and start to read in a British accent. "When love with unconfined wings - "

Mae giggles, that beautiful giggle. "No, not like that!" she exclaims. "Read it like you mean it!"

I laugh and read again, seriously this time.

 

 

It was our favorite poem, To Althea, from Prison. It was by Richard Lovelace, our favorite poet of all time. Mae would always make me read it to her almost five times a day whenever I got the chance to visit her. I loved reading it to her. She told me she loved the way the words flowed out of my mouth.

Every time I read it to her, I fell even more in love with her.

"You're Richard, right?" Mae asked, her eyes still closed, face tilted towards the sunlight.

"Always."

"I'm Althea, right?"

"Always."

A moment of silence. "We'll always be together, right?"

"Always."

The memory, our best memory together, makes me weak and I collapse onto the dirt in front of the grave and somewhere, under six feet of dirt, is my Mae, lying in a stiff coffin, dressed in the most elegant white dress, flowers in her hair, her eyes closed and flying in the heavens without me.

She would've wanted to die that way.

Tears spring to the corners of my eyes and soon I'm convulsing with sobs, my body racking and I'm screaming to no one, nothing but the dirt that is suffocating my Mae. "Mae!" I scream at the top of my lungs. "Mae! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I repeat the words over and over as if they were my mantra. I know she can't hear me, but I don't care. I just want her back, her in my lap and the sunlight illuminating her face to be that angel I always knew she was. I want her in my arms and I want her with me so badly I could rip my hair out at this very moment.

I kiss the cold stone and for a spilt second, I could swear I felt Mae's soft, milky skin under my lips and the soft giggle that always escapes her lips whenever I kiss her. Then she is gone, and she has slipped from my fingers again, like grains of sand falling from in between your fingers. I sob loudly and I hug the stone to my chest. I miss her more than anything.

Mae, if you're reading this, I need you.

Forgive me.

You're my Althea, and I will always be your Richard.

Always.