As a baby I was abandoned by my father because I was “too dark” to be his child.  As a elementary school student I wasn’t allowed to be outside to play with the other kids, because I needed to stay away from the sun. 

In middle school I was rejected by my crush because looked like a gorilla.  In high school, my prom date left me for my prettier, lighter, younger sister was just a freshman. 

And now as an adult, I was divorced at 25 years old after my husband said, “I’m sorry I just can’t look at your ugly face anymore, the was good but it don’t cut it anymore.” and ran off with a waitress.

I’m pathetic.

I mistook something for love, then having my heart broken.

So I tried to end my own life.

To put me out my own miseray
______________________________________________________________________________
I had nothing to live for- my mother, my ex-husband, my middle school crush all resented because of the way I looked. My black skin, my thick hair; my wide nose, my big lips and my glossy black eyes. I wasn’t going to have kids- no my dreams having a child was non-existent in a sense. 

I was an ugly person, because I don’t have the look.

No matter how much I try to bleach my skin, it stays the same. Dark, charcoal, burnt; midnight nigga, field nigga, dirty nigga. , , , trash; all names, I was tired of. I was tired of life it, so after I was done with the sequel to my novel, I ran a bath. 

I had taken about 8 sleeping pills and I had already felt drowsy.

I was supposed to out my hotel room today but I didn’t care enough to notice.

And when it was filled up enough, I stripped myself. Then I held the razorblade to my wrists, right on the vein and I let it bleed. I grit my teeth, stepping into the bath. I closed my eyes and a dreamt. I dreamt about my life would have gone if I looked like my sister.

I had my husband with me again and we had a little girl.

Someone lifted me out of the bath, I don’t know who but I remembered hearing voices.

“Yongguk, there’s someone in the bathroom, I’m going to go check it out,”

“YONGGUK CALL 911!” 

“We’re going to be late for the photoshoot, Jongup, DEAR GOD. IS SHE ALIVE?”

“SHE WON’T BE IF YOU KEEP ING STANDING THERE CALL AN AMBULANCE AND GET ME A TOWEL.” 

“Marques...”

Marques smiles at me, takes the little girl and walks away with waitress. He was leaving me again- he was leaving me again and I couldn’t even have him in my dreams.                             

“Marques please don’t leave me.”

I was I crying?

I was I still alive.

“Call the other members and tell them to meet us here,”
_____________________________________________________________________________
“Are you her relative, spouse or siblings?”

“Nah we’re just a strangers,”

“Well, we’ve patched her up and right now she’s sedated. She’s lost a lot of blood. If you hadn’t come anytime sooner young man, she would have suffered from Exsanguination and died but,”

“It seems like it was an attempted suicide; we’ve contacted her sister and she’s on her way.”

“She’ll be awake soon after she has enough,”

Yongguk looks at Jongup, who’s holding the girl’s hand.

“Jongup we gotta go man. We’ve got rehearsal,”

“I’ll come soon, tell everybody I’m coming.”