just one or two more chapters guyssssssssss! ;)
now the big question is: will it be a sad or happy ending?! :X
((((((((((((((((((probably happy)))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((but it could be sad))))))))))))))))))))))
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            It’s been a month, and the news of Hyunjoong and I “dating” is still the hype of the nation. It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. We went on dinner dates, carnival dates, and other sorts of fun dates. But then there were the parts where we would kiss, and that was always uncomfortable. Of course, the feelings between us never grew. He has been talking to the same guy he slept with the night of the party though. He tells me all about it.
            It’s been a month, and I haven’t heard from Jiyong since the morning in the library. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but they’re wrong. Absence makes the heart grow forgetful. I can easily see his name without feeling anything anymore.
            My phone rings with a text.
            Dad: Don’t forget about your ELLE shoot today at five! They’re on a tight schedule today, so don’t be late.

            A staff member assists me to the set after I finish getting my hair and makeup done. I sit on the chair in the middle of the somber dollhouse set-up they created. “Okay, I want this to be kind of a gloomy feel.” the photographer, Mr. Jeong, says. He taps on the side of his face with his fingers. “Imagine that your boyfriend has just left you alone in the cold, dark house.”
            “That’s really depressing,” I say before making myself comfortable. I put one hand on the table in front of me and look at it with sad eyes.
            “Perfect!” he squeals, camera flashes beginning to swallow me whole.

            After about a full thirty minutes, a break was called. I walk over to the computer screen where Mr. Jeong pulled up the pictures he just took. We looked through them, seeing which ones were good. Suddenly, a jumble of voices makes its way through the door. My heart stops once my eyes catch onto them—specifically one of them.
            “Ah, BIGBANG is here!” Mr. Jeong smiles, getting up and making his way toward them. They all greet one another and exchange bows. “I’ll be done with Miss Sinclair’s shoot in about thirty more minutes. Until then, they’ll show you to the dressing room.”
            He motions two staff members to make their way over to him. Each member of BIGBANG looks at me. I could see Seungri nudge Jiyong’s arm. I give them all a little smile and a finger-wave. I go back to looking at the screen, biting my lip. My stomach starts to scrunch up with pain.

            I wrap up my shoot and bow to the staff, thanking them for their time. I give the photographer a hug and thank him again before one of his staff members assists me back to my dressing room. As we make our way down the hallway, BIGBANG follows the same two staff members from earlier out of their dressing room. “Did you do good?” Daesung asks as he stops beside me, causing me to stop in my tracks. The rest of the boys stop behind him.
            “Well, I’m Aubrey Sinclair,” I tease, flinging my hair back with my hand. Each of them give out a little chuckle and nod. I give them a quick bow and a smile. “Good luck.”
            “Thank you,” they say in a jumbled mess, bowing back to me. I watch them continue to walk down the hall. Jiyong doesn’t look back once. The back of my throat forms a hard ball. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, opening my eyes back up once I turn around. I continue to follow the staff member.

            I hang the dress onto the rack and walk over to the mirror, taking the bobby pins out of my hair. My hands feel weak—I can barely find the energy to slip a bobby pin out completely. I let my hands fall down onto the counter. I look at myself in the mirror. Being in the same building as him is even wearing me out.
            No, it’s been a month. You’ve worked this hard to not let him effect you like this.
            Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door. “Come in,” I say. A staff member peeks her head through the door.
            “I’m sorry for the inconvenience,” she says. “But Mr. Jeong wants you back out there for another shoot. The stylists will be on their way in a few minutes.”

            I walk into the set room after the stylists finish getting my new hair, new outfit, and new makeup done. This look was completely opposite of the first look. I looked edgy and mysterious. I liked it.
            “Ah, you’re done!” Mr. Jeong smiled. “I’m so sorry for the bothersome situation, but the most perfect idea popped into my head during the last shoot.”
            “BIGBANG’s shoot?” I ask. He nods, giving me a cheesy smile. Suddenly, his eyes make its way over my head.
            “Oh, he’s done, too!”
            I turn around to see Jiyong standing beside the door. Mr. Jeong motions him to make his way toward us. “So, I called you both back because I wanted to do a separate shoot with the both of you together.” he finally explains once Jiyong reaches us. My heart starts to eat itself slowly.
            We walk onto the set without an exchange of words to one another. Mr. Jeong positions us, which ends up being the most awkward thing ever: his arm was around my waist and the top of my head was against his jaw. “Perfect, now stay right there!” Mr. Jeong smiles, backing away toward the camera. His finger is set on the shutter button and, soon enough, flashes begin to blind my eyes.

            This shoot was full of awkward positions, with the rest of BIGBANG eventually coming out and watching us (which was even more awkward). Jiyong removes his hand from my thigh as I unclench my hand in his hair, dropping it to my side. I move my legs off of his and he stands up. He holds his hand out to me, my heart stopping. I place my hand into his and he pulls me up. “Good job today,” he says to me with a little smile before walking off and giving the staff members a bow. My stomach starts to swirl into a pit of emptiness.
            I give the staff members a bow and thank them for their time before following behind Jiyong to the dressing rooms. “Good job to you, too.” I say before he could set his hand on the doorknob of his room. He looks at me blankly, but it quickly turns into a halfhearted smile. He nods once and sets his hand on the doorknob. My heart jumps. “How have you been?” I blurt. He stops and looks at me again.
            “I’ve been good.” he says. “How about you?”
            “Great!” I reply happily. Was that too exaggerated? He doesn’t reply, and I swear with each moment that passes I lose him more and more. “Um… you have a tour coming up in two days, don’t you?”
            The only reason why his name became painless to me was because I saw it all of the time. I would search his name and see the latest news on him—it almost became part of my daily routine. At first, it was a mental exercise for me to see it and try to hate it more and more. Then, it suddenly turned into an addiction.
            “I do,” he replies with a little smile. “And you have a boyfriend now, right?”
            So he’s been checking up on me, too. A little smile creeps up on my face, but I quickly hide it with a clearing of the throat. “Yeah, but he’s not exactly my boyfriend.” I say. He raises an eyebrow, his face full of confusion. “He’s still in the closet.”
            His face gives out an ah-I-see look. I nod my head slowly, biting my lip. My eyes wander around the room as the silence continues on. He clears his throat, bringing my attention back to him. “Well, I’m going to go change—“
            “Wait!” I nearly plead. He looks at me. I look at him. My pulse rages. There was only one way to keep him close—the truth. I take deep breath and drop my eyes. “I’ve missed you.”
            Silence.
            “Yeah,” he finally says, quietly. My eyes meet up with his. My brows furrow.
            “Yeah?” I ask in disbelief. I put my heart on the line and all I get is a “yeah”? “What do you mean ‘yeah’? Didn’t you miss me, too?”
            “Of course I did,” he says, his voice sounding pissed. “But you were the one who walked out on me. Twice.”
            “What are you talking about?” I scoff.
            “Every time things are so good between us, you always end up walking out. The night and following morning when I slept over your place, the night at the library when we were reading to each other—they were both more than perfect. In the end, you just walked out.”
            “You’re saying these things and making it seem like I didn’t have a reason.” I say, hurt by his words. “You act like you like me one minute, tell me that we’re only friends the next, act like you like me again, and then get text messages from girls which end up making me unimportant and futile.”
            “You’re everything but unimportant and futile!” he says, getting closer to me.
            “Well, I guess that’s what about loving someone, doesn’t it?!” I say weakly, my vision becoming blurry. I take a deep breath and shake my head, a drop of venom sliding down my cheek. “They can make you feel so small and useless just by seeing a person of the opposite ’s name on their phone.”
            He stays silent, his brows furrowing as if he was in deep concentration. “Are you telling me that you walked out on me that morning because you saw Linda’s name on my phone?”
            I bite my lip and avoid his eyes. I nod my head slowly. He takes a deep breath. Silence.
            “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks softly. I look up at the ceiling and shake my head, giving a little shrug.
            “Because I didn’t want to look weak.” I admit. I look at him, my heart drenching with sorrow. “But I wish I would’ve because this past month has been the death of me. And now, I finally realize that I love you. I love you so much, it hurts. Every. Inch. Of my body.”
            Jiyong’s face softens up and he gets closer to me. “I love you, too.” he says, his words soothing every single inch of pain I’ve ever felt. He moves my hair to the side and kisses my forehead, placing his on top of mine afterward. “I love you so much, which is why I can’t be with you right now.”
            My heart gets shocked with a Taser. I step away from him, completely baffled. “What?” I ask breathlessly. He closes his eyes, and I can hear him swallow hard. He opens his eyes, full of despair.
            “Before I can be with you,” he begins. “I want you to learn how to love your perfect shoulders. I want you to learn how to stop being upset when other girls text me, because I honestly have a lot of girl friends.”
            I was speechless, angry, depressed, and confused all at the same time. He gives me a smile, coming closer and intertwining our fingers. “I want you to learn how to love yourself. You are a treasure. I want you to see that.”
            He gives me a kiss on the forehead and backs away, heading into his dressing room. My body and my mind separate—my mind stays behind as my body makes its way slowly into my dressing room. He loves me, but he doesn’t want to be with me. I lean against the door as I close it, sliding down onto the floor. My body and my mind finally come back together into one. His words go through my head, knives go through my heart. He loves me, but he doesn’t want to be with me.
            He doesn’t want to be with me.
            My entire body shuts down as my heart dies out.