“Do you want anything to eat?”

“It’s ok.”

Dongwoo looked over to Myungsoo for help, but the younger boy just shrugged. They couldn’t force Hoya to eat breakfast, after all. The problem was that Myungsoo hadn’t seen how much Hoya had thrown up the night before. But Dongwoo had.

“Are you sure?”

Hoya actually looked at him then, but Dongwoo couldn’t read his expression. “My stomach,” he said softly and Myungsoo looked up too, watching their conversation with interest now, “it hurts.”

Dongwoo nodded, he supposed it would. He was more surprised that Hoya was giving him an answer. A real answer. Perhaps…perhaps now that Dongwoo had seen what he had, perhaps Hoya didn’t see much point in not answering.

“Do you…are you ok?” He asked suddenly. He wasn’t sure what he was talking about really. Everything perhaps. Was Hoya ok? After vomiting like that; after being cornered half- in a bathroom, pleading to be left alone; after crying so dreadfully on the way home. Was Hoya ok?

Because if he wasn’t, it was Dongwoo’s fault.

“Yes.” Hoya said, and he sounded sincere. “I’m ok.”

“Hoya…” Dongwoo wasn’t sure what was getting into him, maybe it was the fact that the other man didn’t seem exactly averse to this conversation, as small as it was. “On your birthday-”

“It was an accident.” Hoya cut in sharply and Dongwoo blinked, it wasn’t what he had been going to ask. “I didn’t mean to hurt him. I didn’t mean to wreck everything. I didn’t mean to.”

“We know.” Dongwoo said, trying to sound casual about it all. “No one blames you for it. We understand.”

But they didn’t. None of them understood anything.

“I couldn’t help it.” Hoya said, as if he knew perfectly well that Dongwoo didn’t understand at all, and Dongwoo was aware that this was more information than the younger man had ever volunteered before. “I can’t help it...”

Dongwoo smiled at him, trying to ease the situation. “That’s ok. It’s ok.”

There was silence for a few moments and then Hoya nodded. “I’m going to get my bag.” He said, voice stilted once more as he stood and walked away.

Dongwoo watched him go.

“He’s not ok.” Myungsoo said, and Dongwoo silently agreed.

* * * * *

The managers had contacted their families secretly, behind their backs, and when they turned up in the foyer of the company one morning, smiles on their faces and bearing gifts, it was a surprise to them all.

“Dongwoo, have you been eating properly? Why, you’re barely there!” Dongwoo’s mother exclaimed without preamble when he ran over, wrapping his arms tightly around her. Despite her brusque words, Dongwoo could hear the shake in her voice and he squeezed her a little tighter.

“I’ve missed you too, Mum.” He whispered in her ear.

There were so many people crowding the foyer that it was barely possible to tell where one family ended and another began. Brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, even a couple of grandparents.

But when Dongwoo’s eyes finally found Hoya, the other boy was alone.

He disentangled himself from his own family with some smiled excuses and jogged over to one of the managers.

“Where are Hoya’s family? Are they running late? They are coming, aren’t they?”

The manager shook his head, “No, they couldn’t’ make it. Busan is a long way,” he added, at the look on Dongwoo’s face, “sometimes these things just can’t be helped.”

Dongwoo gave him a look to show that he thought these things certainly could be helped and made his way back to his own family. “There’s someone I want you to meet.” He said, dragging his mother away by the arm and assuming his father and sisters would follow.

When he stopped in front of Hoya the other boy looked a little surprised. “Everyone, this is Hoya, my bandmate. Hoya, this is my family.” He said, gesturing around at them all.

Hoya bowed immediately and Dongwoo’s mother beamed. “What a lovely young man, such good manners! And you’re so very handsome, Hoya!”

Hoya bowed again. “Thankyou, ma’am.” He said quietly.

“So, Hoya, what do you do?” Dongwoo’s father asked now, giving him an appraising look.

“I dance, sir.” Hoya replied and Dongwoo was surprised to see him stand a little taller at the words, suddenly looking proud and defiant, as though daring the older man to put him down for it.

But Dongwoo’s father didn’t seem to notice the change and simply laughed, clapping Dongwoo on the back. “Our Dongwoo is a dancer too,” he said, giving Dongwoo a smile, “and a very good one at that. Loved it ever since he was a little kid. I daresay you were the same?”

“Yes, sir.” Hoya replied, and Dongwoo could see him physically relaxing at the reception his words were receiving from Dongwoo’s father.

“Hoya is an amazing dancer.” Dongwoo piped up suddenly. “We practice together.”

“Well if Dongwoo thinks you’re good, then you must be, Hoya.” Dongwoo’s mother said with a smile.

“We were forever driving Dongwoo across the countryside, to some dance competition or another, first to watch and later to compete. And then there were the classes…” His father shook his head. “Your parents were probably in the same boat?”

Hoya smiled then. A small smile. “I took the bus.”

Before anyone could respond, the managers were calling out that it was time for them to get back on schedule; their families would be joining them for lunch in a few hours’ time.

Dongwoo’s parents said their goodbyes, giving Dongwoo a quick hug as they turned to leave and then suddenly, Dongwoo’s oldest sister’s hand shot out and landed on Hoya’s shoulder, squeezing is gently.

Dongwoo froze, expecting her to be thrown to the floor at any moment…but it never happened.

“Look after our Dongwoo, won’t you Hoya?” She said with a genuine smile. “He’s a bit absent minded at times and I can tell already that you’ll be a good influence on him. Keep him safe for us, won’t you?”

“I will.” Hoya said and let her squeeze his shoulder one last time before walking off. Dongwoo just stared after her.

Having lunch with their families was amazing, but the absence of Hoya’s relatives was something that none of them could miss. Dongwoo could tell that the other members were trying to make it up to Hoya during the meal in the limited ways they could.

Sunggyu seated him in the middle of the table so that there was no way he would be left out on the end, alone; Woohyun piled his plate with a constant supply of so much food that it was a miracle Hoya managed to get through even half of it; and Sungjong loudly told his parents, with an affection in his voice that could only be sincere, that Hoya was a very serious triple threat who was going to get them all to stardom one day.

It was hard, though, not to feel a certain emptiness each time Dongwoo caught Hoya’s eyes lingering on the families around them. Dongwoo saw it; the way Hoya’s lips had thinned when Sungyeol’s father had announced how proud he was of them all, the way Hoya’s fingers had tightened on his glass when Myungsoo had clapped his brother on the back and laughed, the way Hoya had turned away when they all said their goodbyes.

That evening Hoya asked to be dropped at the studio to practice. Nobody argued and Dongwoo decided not to join him. He thought that maybe everyone was thinking the same thing; perhaps Hoya needed some time alone, away from them all.

It wasn’t until the van arrived back at the dorm that Dongwoo saw the phone lying on Hoya’s empty seat. It must have fallen from the younger man’s pocket.

“Sunbae!” He picked the thin rectangle up quickly and held it out to the manager. “Hoya’s phone, he must have dropped it.”

“Take it back to the room for him, would you? I’ll pick him up in two hours’ time regardless.”

Dongwoo nodded and followed the rest of the members up the stairs. While his band mates showered and chatted in the bedrooms, Dongwoo sat out on the couch and stared at the phone in his hand. He pressed the on button and was surprised to find that there was no passcode.

Hesitating only a moment longer, Dongwoo quickly opened Hoya’s contacts. There were only eight. The last three were the numbers of their two managers and of the company, but the first five must have been Hoya’s family.

Appa

Eomma

Hyung

Noona

Hojun-ah

Dongwoo knew that he shouldn’t do it, but his curiosity was killing him and he quickly punched each of the numbers into his own phone and saved them. He wanted answers and he wanted to know why none of these people could come and have lunch with a boy they couldn’t have seen for at least six months.

His fingers hovered uncertainly over the numbers, not sure who he should call. He flicked open Hoya’s call log, but the only calls listed for the last month were between Hoya and the managers.

No one else had contacted him in all that time.

Dongwoo closed the screen quickly, he didn’t really want to look at it. He would have to decide on his own. Calling Hoya’s parents might be a bit much…and he didn’t know how old Hoya’s younger brother was. Finally he settled on Hoya’s elder brother and pressed the call button.

He held the phone to his ear nervously, the dull ring tone not calming him at all.

“Yoboeseoyo?” A male voice answered and Dongwoo nearly dropped the phone. Sunggyu, who was passing through the room, gave him a weird look and paused in his toweling of his hair.

“Yoboeseoyo.” Dongwoo said quickly, afraid that the other man might hang up a call from an unknown number if he wasn’t prompt. “Sorry, is this Hoya’s elder brother?” Sunggyu had stopped walking completely now and was standing very still, listening.

“Hoya?” The man seemed confused and Dongwoo nearly kicked himself.

“Howon, I meant Lee Howon.”

“Yes. Why, has something happened?”

“No!” This whole idea was beginning to feel stupider and stupider. “No, nothing’s happened. Well…” Because things had happened, hadn’t they? But he knew it wasn’t what the older man had meant. Dongwoo took a deep breath. “Sorry. My name’s Jang Dongwoo. I’m a member of his band.”

“Ah.”

Dongwoo wasn’t sure what to make of this short reply, but he ploughed on regardless. “I wasn’t sure if you knew, but there was a family thing today at the company. Everyone’s families came. Except Howon’s…”

Maybe he shouldn’t be being so blunt about it, but Dongwoo didn’t really know how to sugarcoat the question he was trying to ask. Why weren’t you there?

“Ah.” The voice said again, and then, “It doesn’t surprise me.”

“I know it’s a long way from Busan,” Dongwoo said, eyes lifting as Sunggyu took a seat on the couch beside him, “and I know your parents are probably busy-”

“That’s not why.” The man said and he let out a mirthless laugh. “They’ve never been too busy.”

Dongwoo paused. “Then…” Then Why? He could feel himself beginning to grow frustrated. “Listen, I know it’s not my place, but could you give me a reason at least? He was all alone today. While the rest of us were laughing with our families, he was all alone.”

There was only silence on the other end, so Dongwoo went on. “He hasn’t had any visitors for as long as he’s lived in the dorm and he hasn’t gone home for as long as he’s lived in the dorm and I’ve never seen him even take a phone call…on his birthday…”

Dongwoo hesitated again, but Hoya’s brother wasn’t interrupting so he took another breath and continued. “On his birthday…you called him, right? Someone called him…right?”

“I don’t know.” Dongwoo couldn’t read the voice at all. “I didn’t. I don’t know about the rest…”

Dongwoo didn’t say anything. His heart felt sore.

“Listen…Jang Dongwoo…” The man said, once the pause had gone on a little too long. “If nobody called, then that’s for the best.”

“What do you mean?” Dongwoo asked, the words feeling weird in his mouth. “What do you even mean by that?”

“I mean that Howon never needed a family like ours. He’s better off without one.”

And then the line went dead.

Dongwoo took the phone from his ear and stared at the device in his hand.

“Did he say why?” Sunggyu asked softly from beside him and Dongwoo just shook his head.

“He said that it wasn’t a surprise. He said that his parents weren’t busy. He said that Hoya doesn’t need a family…”

Sunggyu sat back, eyebrows raised. “Hoya doesn’t need a family?”

“Hoya doesn’t need a family like theirs.” Dongwoo amended and somewhere deep inside, he couldn’t help but agree. He dropped the phone onto the couch and looked up at the ceiling instead.

“What kind of ed up is going on with his family then?” Woohyun’s voice spoke from the doorway. “Way to be jerks.”

“I guess we don’t know the full situation…” Sunggyu said carefully, not meeting Dongwoo’s eyes when he turned to stare at him. “There could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for what his brother said.”

“There could?” Woohyun didn’t sound impressed.

“If his brother had a perfectly reasonable explanation for it, then I wish he’d told me that instead of what he just did.” Dongwoo said wearily and stood to have his shower.

He waited up until 4am for Hoya to come home…but the younger man never did.

* * * * *

The next morning Hoya was up and about as though nothing had ever happened and then the days were flashing by once more, mocking Dongwoo by how normal everything had become again…because all he could think about was how nothing had ever been normal in the first place.

There was no way Dongwoo could be lulled back into Hoya’s carefully constructed false calm again. In fact Hoya was fast becoming an obsession. Dongwoo began researching into Hoya’s habits on the internet in his spare time, trying to find something online that would point him in the right direction.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, said one, and Hoya did have habits that wouldn’t shake, routines that he carried out day after day, things that he avoided desperately. But was it really OCD? Did people with OCD vomit when those habits and rules were broken?

Dongwoo wrote a list of questions and copied down the number of an expert on the disorder, filing it all away in his Hoya notebook.

Some people just don’t like to be touched, said another. Respect your friends and their differences. Dongwoo didn’t think they were on the same page.

And then a heading popped out at him: How to tell when a child has been abused... He clicked on it tentatively, unsure if he was finally going too far.

The more he read, the more on edge Dongwoo became; extroverted people becoming severe introverts, not liking to be touched, obsessive actions and violent reactions to certain situations.

It sounded like Hoya.

Dongwoo stopped reading, trying to rationalize it all out in his mind, not wanting to jump to conclusions. He didn’t know if Hoya had been extroverted before. What if Hoya had been an introvert his whole life? Dongwoo didn’t really know anything. And that was the problem.

He needed to know more. He needed to know about Hoya’s past, Hoya’s childhood. He needed Hoya to open up and if all else failed, he had Hoya’s family’s numbers. He would just keep trying until he finally got an answer that made sense.

Howon doesn’t need a family like ours.

Dongwoo shivered and shut the computer down quickly.