♚    Review   ♚

Note: Hello, Ashiba here. I apologise in advance – this review might come off as harsh, but I’m just trying to help you improve, so…

I don't really know what to say. Please continue reading for your review.

OhSeYeon

           My Love 

     --

❦Title : (4/7) 

Eh, it’s okay. It doesn’t really grab the attention of the reader or anything, but I guess it is relevant to the plot.

❦Foreword / Description : (6/7)

 “You’re like an angel, who has left me and gone somewhere”

It’s interesting, to say the least. This manages to draw the attention of the reader and it's very... romantic, I guess? I dunno how to explain it, but I find it to be very sweet, and it makes me want to know who said it and why. 

❦ Vocabulary/Grammar (10/15)

Well, I understand English is not your mother tongue, but you already have a fairly large vocabulary even among native English speakers. Even so, there are a few problems here and there: 

The first that stood out is that you use some adjectives in the wrong situation, and some aren't even adjectives at all. 

For instance: 'As i walk straightly' - 'straightly' is not a word. It should be 'as I walk with my back straight' 

                  and 'Nickhun kindly bowed to me.' - you probably mean 'politely', since no one bows to someone else out of 'kindness', but 'politeness'.

The second is the past-present tenses. I don't mind it very much, since it's pretty hard to keep it constant, but I got confused every now and then.

Like: 'Young Mi stood up and walks outside.' - 'stood' and 'walks' don't match up. It's either 'stands up and walks outside' or 'stood up and walked outside.'

The third is the way you capitalise your 'I's. When referring to oneself, the 'I' should always  be capital. 

❦ Characters (8/15)

Well, the characters were kind of flat. I mean, I can't relate to any of them except Taeyeon, who had an explanation for her behaviour in the Author's Notes. I think it would have been better for her attitude to be explained somewhere in the story, maybe in a flashback like what you did with Yuri and Hyoyeon in Chapter 5.

It would be good if you could give more to the characters. The only way to tell what they're thinking is by what they're saying, so we can't usually feel the impact of their emotions. Also, emphasising a bit more on what they're doing while talking can also leave more of an impression on the reader. 

Like, 'Sooyoung, who is eating ramen is angry.' Instead of simply saying 'is angry', you could add a few things that she's doing to show that she's angry, such as making her violently (or 'angrily') stab at the ingredients  of the ramen or something. 

❦ Flow (3/3)

It went quite fast, but the way you executed it was pretty believable. It's not the typical "I love you with all my heart even though I just met you 5 seconds ago" thing. Sehun has developed a crush on Young Mi, and she is oblivious to that crush. She likes him too, and he doesn't know about it either until the fourth chapter. Young Mi also has reasons for liking him other than his looks (he took her to the doctor's office and stayed with her overnight on her request), so that's also a bonus.

❦ Neatness (2/3)

Paragraphing. That’s my only complaint really. Some parts have a gap in between written sections, whereas for others you just hit ‘ENTER’ and continued on.  I’m not really sure how to explain it, so I’ll give you examples.

Like here:

‘“You weigh nothing" he murmured. 

SNSD POV

they were still angry of what happen yesterday. Why would they love that so much ?! She's not perfect like us !' 

Before you typed  ‘SNSD POV’ you just went on to the next line, but here:

'I just woke up and I feel two hands are wrapped around my waist. As I turn back slowly, I saw an angelic face just right in front of me. Why is he shaking my heart ?!? Well, he has a cute nose , pale skin and small lips. Ahh... how can I imagine he is just right in front of me right now ?!? And yeah, He is Sehun. 

"Good morning"  He said still his eyes closed.'

You actually put a blank space in between the paragraphs. You have to double space (not sure if that is the correct term, sorry) when you’re changing POVs, and just move on to the next line when you’re writing a new paragraph.

So,

‘“You weigh nothing" he murmured. 

SNSD POV

they were still angry of what happen yesterday. Why would they love that so much ?! She's not perfect like us !'

And,

'I just woke up and I feel two hands are wrapped around my waist. As I turn back slowly, I saw an angelic face just right in front of me. Why is he shaking my heart ?!? Well, he has a cute nose , pale skin and small lips. Ahh... how can I imagine he is just right in front of me right now ?!? And yeah, He is Sehun.        

"Good morning"  He said still his eyes closed.'

I’m sorry if it was unintentional, but it made me feel like the story was typed up in a hurry, even though you got everything down on a piece of paper or something.

❦ Total Score ( 30 / 50 ) ---> ( 60 / 100 )

It's an interesting concept, but I think it needs more work on grammar and characterisation.

Still, keep it up!

-Ashiba