Small Rocks

 

Now I’m standing alone

In a crowded room

And we’re not speaking

 

And I’m dying to know

Is it killing you

Like it’s killing me?

 

They say there are two things that could almost sums up one’s life, and that is “Hello.” and “Goodbye.” And these two things will always occur in one’s life like a never ending circle that keeps on spinning and spinning.

 

Sometimes “Hello.” doesn’t always ends with “Goodbye.” and sometimes, it does.

 

Sometimes it’s easy to say “Goodbye.” while sometimes, one would risk lives and cries blood just so that “Goodbye.” will never happen.

 

Jung Seungyoon stares at the falling snows outside the college classroom window. Each time she sees the snow, she always feel melancholic and it feels like time has stopped. The girl sighs and lays her head on her arms, repelling her teacher’s lecture and the rest of the class and focuses her attention only to the white specks.

 

There’s an unexplainable tightness in her chest and she feels as if she’s suffocating. She blinks and inhales a breath. The girl tears her gaze off the snows and stares at the student in front of her.

 

He’s a male, with his back facing her and head resting lazily on his palm. It’s a plain sight but it makes her feel so many emotions and feelings. The sight awes her, as if it’s a painting painted by the greatest Picasso. The sight of it also makes her heart feels like it’s pierced by myriads of hot knives. She wonders how something so close feels so far from her. She wonders why she couldn’t reach out to something that is in front of her.

 

She wonders why every time she tries to reach out for him, it feels like trying to contain water on her hands or trying to catch the fire with her bare hands, or trying to see the wind.

 

“Oh Sehun, what’s the answer for number three?” her teacher’s voice, no, his name breaks her from her reverie.

 

Seungyoon watches as the guy in front of her shifts and starts to read his answer. His voice is filling the silent classroom. For her, it’s like the sound of a very sad lament, a hymn of sorrow.

 

His speech is broken by the ringing bell, which seems to wake the rest of the class up from their peaceful slumber. As soon as the teacher left, Sehun instantly gets up and strolls to the cafeteria, joining his friends.

 

He didn’t spare her a single glance.

 

Seungyoon sighs bitterly and rests herself on the wooden table. Right now, right this moment, college is hell.

 

“Someone is down.” a voice interrupts her yet again and the girl opens her eyes with an irritated look plastered on her face. Kim Hyoyeon is staring at her from Seungyoon’s side with a small smile on her face.

 

“Hi, Hyo.”

 

“Well, hello to you too.” Hyoyeon chuckles, the girl sets up her lunch box at Seungyoon’s table. “So you two haven’t talked?”

 

Seungyoon sighs and steals a glance at her best friend’s lunch; bibimbap. “It’s been almost a week since we last talked to each other.”

 

“Have you tried talking to him?”

 

“…How could I do that if he constantly spreads the I-don’t-want-Seungyoon-to-be-near-me aura?”

 

Hyoyeon snorts. “I’m pretty sure it’s 70% in your mind, maybe a part of him wants to talk to you.”

 

“Or not.”

 

Hyoyeon rolls her eyes at Seungyoon’s remark. “Girl, do you still want Sehun to be your boyfriend or not? Because there are tons of girls out there who’d kill to be in your place.”

 

Her statement adds another hot knife to Seungyoon’s already wounded heart.

 

“If it makes him happy.” Seungyoon replies helplessly.

 

“Oh, for goodness’ sake.” Hyoyeon mutters. “Do tell me again how did it all happen?”

 

Seungyoon sighs, “You know he’s been busy ever since that stupid Luhan drags him into the Students’ Union. He still has to help his family on their shop and then he has soccer practice and now, students’ union.”

 

Hyoyeon nods. “I know you won’t have any problems with that.”

 

Seungyoon groans and ruffles her hair. “I don’t know, Hyo. Valentine’s Day is coming up and he’s been busy preparing for the day with the students’ union. Well, I don’t really mind, it’s good after all. But things are just… slipping out of hands and we rarely talk and texts replies are short and phone calls are left unanswered and the art club has been keeping me busy. We’re drifting apart within every second.”

 

Hyoyeon purses her lips. “Yeah, that’s a lot to take.” she agrees, sipping on her fruit juice.

 

Seungyoon sighs, “He picked up his phone once and it’s the most awkward conversation that could ever have existed in this planet. I swear.”

 

Her best friend chuckles and pats her back. “Do you still love him?” Hyoyeon asks softly.

 

“Honestly, I’m surprised you asked that.” Seungyoon replies, rising from the table and rests her head on the window. “Sometimes I just couldn’t look at him properly because he’s always so shining and dazzling. I don’t even care how cheesy this sounds, but it’s true.”

 

Seungyoon shakes her head and continues her sentimental speech. “The butterflies are still there, Hyo, it’s just… there’s also hurt and emptiness. I love him so much it hurts. Sometimes I would remember those times where time is unlimited for us and we can spend days just to ourselves and how happy we were…”

 

Hyoyeon smiles sadly. “You two need to talk, I’m serious. I know they say silence is gold, but for this case? No. Yoon, you must talk to him. It’s the only way.”

 

“What if he doesn’t want to?” Seungyoon asks morosely. Fear is her and the girl shakes her head. “What if… what if he doesn’t… you know.”

 

Seungyoon couldn’t force herself to say it. She just couldn’t. If… if she loses Sehun, she wouldn’t know what to do anymore. The girl closes her eyes and let out a dry sob. Sehun is perfect for her and it’s not just some flimsy young school crush feelings. He completes her in a way that nobody couldn’t.

 

His small acts make her happy. Sehun is many things, but showing his affection publicly is really not to his liking. Yet Seungyoon never really minds that. He would always let her know that he loves him through his small acts; he would show her—in his own way—that he does care.

 

The one thing she misses the most is hearing his voice. Seungyoon really loves his voice, she misses how it would sends shivers of delight down her back and how he sometimes would whisper on her ears and how it sounds just right. She misses his hands, his hands that would always make her small hands look even smaller and how it perfectly fits with her. She misses their texts and how he would always be a lot livelier and animated through the device.

 

He would always send her a goodnight text with a smiley symbol, but not anymore.

 

“Maybe… maybe he already has someone else…” Seungyoon whispers. “Someone else that he thinks of each time he closes his eyes and each time he goes to sleep.”

 

Hyoyeon’s eyes widen, her hand quickly move to grasps Seungyoon’s. “Yoon, you mustn’t think like that. Have faith in him! Don’t you trust him?”

 

The other girl shrugs and fiddles with a paper from her purple colored binder. Seungyoon could hear Hyoyeon’s impatient sigh and the girl speaks up again, “Tomorrow should be our third Valentine… or maybe not, maybe we will spend it in silence, maybe we will spend it without sparing each other a glance.”

 

“Seriously? Seungyoon, relationships aren’t supposed to stay smooth forever! Sometimes you two might hit a rock and there are times where everything seems like it’s falling apart and there’s no hope, but you shouldn’t give in!” Hyoyeon says, scolding her with a hard gaze. “Relationships are meant to be fighting for. Maybe it seems bleak and opaque now, but if you have the will to fix it, I’m sure everything will be okay soon. Believe me. All this stuff, you shouldn’t see this as an end, see this as something that could make your love stronger.”

 

“Hyo, how could I fix it when he seems perfectly fine with it? How?”

 

“You should ask that same question to yourself.” Hyoyeon replies hotly, fuming. “Questioning why he doesn’t come to you while you sit here moping and sobbing. Don’t be such a stupid crybaby!”

 

Seungyoon groans and ruffles her hair again; she doesn’t even care if she’s messing it up. The girl thinks of Hyoyeon’s words. There is nothing wrong with her words. What she’s saying is true.

 

Seungyoon sighs in desperation and buries her face in her palm.

 

Hyoyeon’s right.

 

She should talk to Sehun.

 

 

College ends faster than she had expected and Valentine’s Day has arrived. Seungyoon enters her college with her heart drumming wildly in her chest. She’s nervous. The girl glances in irritation at the pink and red decorations that adorns every walls and lockers and ceilings. It irks her and doesn’t fit her nervous and foul mood. The Students’ Union are making a Valentine’s Day party today.

 

Hyoyeon greets her with a smile; Seungyoon nearly misses the blonde haired tomboy girl.

 

“How are you this morning?” she asks.

 

“Nervous.” Seungyoon chokes.

 

Hyoyeon chuckles, “Understandable, just don’t let the negative thoughts rule over you, alright? Think positive.”

 

“Alright, alright.” Seungyoon replies. The nervousness she feels is quickly rising up to , urging her to vomit. It’s like riding a roller coaster with full speed on a broken rail.

 

Time ticks faster than she wishes for, but it’s always like that, right? Time always fly so fast, it disappears in the blink of an eye. Romantic songs are being played in the background but she feels hollow and empty.

 

Sehun barely spares her a glance today. No words, no texts, no smiles. Nothing. It’s painful to see couples gets all lovey dovey and showing their affections freely.

 

They used to be like that.

 

Seungyoon closes her eyes and bites back her sadness. Her chest feels like something has been ripped out of it, gaping and empty. The college is crowded with students yet Seungyoon feels like there’s only her and she’s drowning in her frustration. She spots Sehun on the corner of her eyes and sighs. The girl quickly walks to Sehun, afraid that she would lose him.

 

Every steps feels like eternity.

 

She’s facing his back now, Seungyoon could see his lean, broad shoulder and it ache her so much. Slowly, she starts to reach out to him. Yet when her fingers are just millimeters away from the center of his back, Seungyoon freezes.

 

It’s as if an invisible wall stands between her and the boy. An invisible wall that repels her. It repels her touch and her feelings. Nothing could ever feel more painful then. Slowly, her eyes start to water and her vision blurred. How could this happen? What went wrong? Why her? Why him?

 

‘Dear God, I’m not ready to lose him yet. Just give me a chance.’ the girl mutters a silent, unvoiced plea in her heart. A plea she’s been wishing and prayed every night, under the solemn light of the stars and the moon and the watchful dark sky. A plea that has been gnawing, clawing and her until she’s paralyzed, hurt and suffocating.

 

Biting her lips, the girl forces her hand to move forward. She won’t let their relationship ends without a fight. No, not when she still loves Sehun with all her heart and soul and mind.

 

Her fingertips touch the softness of his woolen sweater and she shivers. It’s the first touch in days. She inhales a deep breath and curls her fingers tightly on the woolen cloth, the tip of her fingers grazing the warm flesh underneath it. She tugs at his sweater.

 

Sehun turns around then and Seungyoon is yet again amazed by his perfection. His strong jaws, his small lips, his hair and his eyes. It feels so hard to look at him straight in his eyes yet the girl forces herself to do so.

 

“Hi.” she speaks slowly, hating herself that her soft, barely audible voice breaks.

 

Sehun’s gaze softens a bit. “Hey.” he replies awkwardly, finding it hard to look at the face that’s been haunting his sleep and his restless night.

 

“Can we… talk?”

 

Sehun bites his lower lip and something inside her dies. “I… I’ve got something to do, I…”

 

Seungyoon feels like she wants to scream, like she wants to slap or shake Sehun and vents up all her frustration and hurt and just make him know how painful and depressing it feels. Yet she restrains herself and gives him a weak smile.

 

“Please? Couldn’t you spare just five minutes? I really need to talk to you.” she says truthfully.

 

On the corner of her eyes, she could spot Kai, Sehun’s friend in the Students’ Union. The tan guy approaches them with a somber smile on his face. “You two are doing something?”

 

“No.” Sehun quickly answers and something dark shadows his eyes. “I’ll be in the Students’ Union—“

 

“It’s okay.” Kai says, cutting his explanation. “It’s Valentine’s Day after all, you two need time together, I’ll tell Suho that you’re a bit busy.”

 

At that moment, there is no person in the world Seungyoon would thank more than Kai.

 

“But Kai—“

 

“Really.” Kai replies, frowning at Sehun. The guy turns to grin at Seungyoon. “He’s all yours for today, sorry for taking him away from you lately. Today is made for you two after all.”

 

Seungyoon arches an eyebrow. “Made for us?”

 

Sehun stares at Kai in defeat before looking back at the shorter girl. “Alright, let’s talk.” he murmurs, walking away from them. Seungyoon stares at his back and sighs somberly before following him, deciding to let Kai’s ambiguous statement slide.

 

“Be good to her, Sehun!” Kai shouts from the distance.

 

An awkward silence fills them and Seungyoon feels like she wants to die. They are standing on the college’s gazebo and Sehun’s eyes never leave the falling snow outside. She wonders how silence could be so loud and deafening.

 

“So…” she starts. “How have you been?”

 

“Good.” Sehun replies softly. “You?”

 

Seungyoon takes a moment before answering. This truly is the most awkward conversation.

 

“Not very good.”

 

He doesn’t give her any reply and Seungyoon could feel her anger rises. But instead the girl takes a deep breath, letting the cold winter air fills her lung and cools her down. With a sincere smile, the girl pulls out a white medium-sized box from her coat and hands it to the silent boy beside her.

 

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Sehun.”

 

Sehun stares at the box and takes it quietly. Something shadows his eyes when he sees his present; a handmade chocolate, sweater and scarf, something that shows him that Seungyoon has been planning and making his presents since a very long time. He blinks as waves of feelings and emotions washes over him.

 

“I… know it’s not much, it’s not even expensive… but I thought something you made by yourself is a very great gift because it comes from heart, so…” Seungyoon speaks softly, putting her hands inside her pocket.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“You don’t need to thank me.” Seungyoon replies, her smile could have never been emptier then. “I… I really miss you, you know that?”

 

Sehun looks up to meet her eyes which is now staring at him in a way that makes his heart race, both in good and bad way.

 

“Yeah… it’s been a long time since we last talked to each other.” he decides to reply; stuffing his hands to his pocket and leans on the gazebo pillar.

 

“You know, these past few days are really… hard for me.” Seungyoon says truthfully. She decides now is the right time to tell Sehun how she really feels. Once she starts to talk, words spills out of like water leaks out from a leaking bucket.

 

“No texts, no phone calls, no greetings, no talks, nothing. It pains me because sometimes I thought that I was so whiny because you’re very busy and I shouldn’t be complaining too much… but sometimes it’s just too unbearable for me and I missed you and… it pains me more that you seem… you seem okay with all of this. There are times when I need you so much but you’re just not there and every day I feel like you’re growing more and more distant and I just… can’t, Sehun.”

 

“I don’t know what I did wrong, but Sehun, if I ever hurt you, I’m really sorry. It kills me because each time I try to reach out to you, you would always step back. There’s just this invisible wall that separates us and I just can’t seem to find to strength to talk to you and it frustrates me so much because you’re so close but I can’t do anything with you… and all the negative thoughts are filling my head and I thought… I thought maybe you don’t love me anymore… I’m really sorry.”

 

It doesn’t feel right.

 

Although words keep on flowing, Seungyoon couldn’t find the perfect one to voice what she really feels and it frustrates her. She doesn’t want to look like a whiny girl, especially not now, when her tears are almost on the verge of rolling down her cheek. She doesn’t want to cry, she doesn’t want Sehun to see her cry.

 

Hyoyeon’s wrong. Seungyoon doesn’t feel a bit better after she talked to him; it only makes her feel worse because the girl just can’t find the word to describe her feeling.

 

“I’m sorry.” Sehun says, calling Seungyoon back to the world. “I never really meant to make you feel like this, I promised myself I’ll make time for you. I thought you were angry at me and this thought keeps on bugging my mind to the point where texting you first feels so hard and awkward. I never want us to be like this, honestly.”

 

His words set her at ease, but only a bit.

 

“You don’t… hate me or anything… right?” Seungyoon asks softly, barely audible for the pale-skinned man.

 

Sehun sighs. “Of course I don’t.” he sighs again in frustration and stares into her eyes. “Come with me, I’ve got to show you something.”

 

And then, wordlessly, he takes her hand in his and Seungyoon’s heart flutters. She blinks rapidly, welcoming back the sensation she had missed for so long, enjoying the softness of his glove and the warmth of his palm.

 

The two runs lightly through the college halls and Sehun leads her to the deserted auditorium. The tall guy turns to look at her.

 

“I want you to close your eyes.”

 

Confused, Seungyoon obeys, shutting her eyes tightly. She feels Sehun tugging on her hand and the girl awkwardly moves forward, following him. With her eyes closed, her other senses become sharper and the girl grasps Sehun’s hand tighter. Sehun stops abruptly, then, nearly making her bumps into him.

 

“Alright.” Seungyoon nearly jumps when she hears his voice and his warm breath kissing her ears. “Open them now.”

 

The girl opens her eyes and sees the most beautiful thing she had ever seen in her life.

 

There are myriads of stars adorning the walls, the ceiling and the floor of the auditorium, stars with every color from blue to red to gold to silver. Sehun had placed several of star projector lamps in the middle of the room. The girl laughs slightly, amazed and dazed by the beauty of it.

 

“Sirius.” she mumbles as her gaze falls to the brightest star in the room. “Canis Major.”

 

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Seungyoon.” Sehun whispers from behind her.

 

Seungyoon wants to turn around but stops when she sees Sehun’s arm wrapped around her. He’s holding a silver colored necklace with a small, golden star on it. Gently, the male drapes the necklace around her slender neck. The girl freezes.

 

She turns around then, facing him fully and loving how his face looks underneath the dim, colorful light.

 

“I was really nervous.” he speaks. “I want you to know that I really do care about you… these past few days are wrong. I was wrong. At first I thought you can wait and setting college and work for my top priority… but later I just found it hard and I felt really guilty but I just… I just can’t find the courage to talk and apologize to you. It’s very stupid. I’m sorry, Seungyoon.”

 

Seungyoon’s breathing stops and for the millionth times, the girl is at loss of words.

 

“Kai helped me a lot with this.” Sehun confides, trying to break the silence.

 

Seungyoon smiles, “This is all… for me?”

 

“Of course.” Sehun grumbles. “I really want to show you how sorry I am. It’s been hell for me, too, this week. I really missed you and I need you more than ever now.”

 

Seungyoon stares at him. Slowly, the suffocating rope that has been constricting her chest begins to lose. Slowly, the frustration inside her begins to fade. The girl laughs and a tear spills out from her eyes.

 

“Why are you crying?” Sehun asks, perplexed.

 

“I’m just… so happy, you idiot.” she replies, wiping away her tears. “Oh Sedumb, you think I’ll forgive you that easy?”

 

Sehun’s eyes shines a little. “Not really.” he says. However, the man takes her hand and pulls the glove off. Her exposed skin reacts to the cold, Seungyoon shivers, but Sehun pulls her hand closer to his lips and plant a very soft kiss on her fingertip.

 

“I love you so much, Seungyoon. I’m really sorry.”

 

Seungyoon laughs, the first three words are like a panacea to her. Her body feels light and right now, there is nobody in this world beside her and Oh Sehun.

 

“Oh Sehun, I love you so much, I could die.” she replies.

 

Sehun smiles then, the first smile from him Seungyoon has ever seen since the past few days. It feels like a tonic. She feels like flying, leaving all her problems below and butterflies are now flying inside her stomach. There are no doubts now and the gaping hole in her chest is now filled again.

 

It’s filled with Sehun’s love.

 

Their lips connect and instantly, fireworks rocket inside her body, sending sparks of happiness and warmth even to the tip of her fingers. She really misses his warm, soft lips on hers and how it molds perfectly with hers and how perfect and right it feels.

 

This is her place. This is where she should be; in his arms, with her arms circling around his neck and the taste of his lips on hers. Hyoyeon is right, relationships are meant to be fighting for.

 

For the first time in days, Seungyoon finally feels happy, free and loved.