Love used to be a word that I never understood.

What is it like to feel loved by someone? Why does it change people? How? When does it happen?

These questions swarmed my mind everyday, since I was so unfamiliar with the feeling. Love was not a part of my daily life, so I had never experienced it before. I always saw couples being affectionate with one another, and family members pouring out their love. I always watched with envy. I always asked myself, "Why don't I have that?"

When I was born, my mother had been very ill at the time. Due to complications from my birth, my mother had mysteriously passed away, leaving me in the hands of my father. Even though I hadn't known him at the time, I knew that he changed. My father rarely took care of me. He always left me at his mother's home, where I spent the last four years without him. One day, he just appeared and demanded that I will go home with him. Even then, he paid no attention to me. The smell of alcohol was really strong in the house.

I remember the first time he hit me. I was going through an old photo album and found of picture of him and my mother. I asked about the kind of person that my mother was like, and he stayed silent for a moment before he slapped me, hard.

"I don't ever want you to bring her up again." He shouted as he ripped the book out of my hands. "You're the reason why she's no longer by my side. I hate you." I had never felt so much pain in my life. It had also been the first time that I had cried. That week, my cheek was swollen and I was barely able to eat properly.

After the commotion, my father avoided me completely. There were times that he spoke to me, but other than that, I was invisible. Because of this, I matured more quickly than others. By the time I was in school, I already knew how to make my own meals and my skills were above others. I spent some time learning by myself, and by age eight, I felt like an adult. I felt like I was the only person in the house, and I truly began to experience loneliness.

There were often times that I was completely fed up with my father. There was a time when I walked up to him and demanded him to put me up for adoption. Even if I was a kid, I couldn't stand it. The lonely and painful feeling in my heart would disappear, and I thought that it'd be better this way. My father simply laughed and took another large sip of his alcohol. He looked like he had aged about ten more years than he actually was.

"You foolish girl. You have no idea how I would simply love to get rid of you." He practically spat in my face, and I felt tears form in my eyes. Though I hated him, I also loved him because he was my father, and since he spat those words in my face, it hurt. Very Much.

"But I also cannot get rid of you, because you are the only piece of her existence." The day was the first time that I saw my father break down. He began to sob uncontrollably, ing his bottle of soju towards the wall. His eyes were filled with so much sadness and despair that I couldn't stand to be there anymore. Even if I was young, I knew my way around town, and I found myself sitting on a swing in the park. Being kidnapped didn't occur to me, especially since it was dark outside.

I sat there, crying to myself, my hands gripping the chains of the swing. My heart felt so heavy and lonely. It suddenly began to rain, and being sick didn't matter. All I wished was for a chance to be happy for once.

About an hour had passed, and I hadn't stopped crying. A part of me was hoping that my father would come looking for me, to scold me that leaving the house without him was dangerous for a child. Doing so would show that he at least cared for me in a way, but it never happened.

Well it did, but it hadn't been my father.

A boy around my age suddenly sat beside me on the swings, and he tapped my shoulder. 

"Why are you crying? You shouldn't be here by yourself." 

I sniffled and wiped my tears away. "I'm here because I'm upset and lonely. This place helps me relax."

The boy smiled at me and ruffled my hair. "Silly girl, it's dangerous to be here by yourself. Besides, you'll feel lonely here. Why not go back home? Your family must be worried about you." My heart sank at his words, and I sniffled again.

"I don't have a family."

"Why?" He frowned.

"I don't have a mommy and my dad hates me."

At this, he sadly smiled and looked down at the ground. "Me too. My parents hate me too."

From that moment onwards, I felt comforted. Somebody understood my situation, and for once, comforted me and assured me that things would work out. Nobody had ever done that for me. It felt strange... yet relieving. From that moment, I knew that things would begin to change.

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"Where are you going?"

I had been eating a small portion of cereal when he stumbled into the kitchen, a bottle of soju in his hand. His voice nearly made me choke, because he does all he can to avoid me. I'm invisible in his eyes, so it's a surprise that he's the one who's speaking to me for once. After all, he hasn't spoken a word to me for about four months now. 

I raised a brow at his question but continued to eat. Only after two more spoonfuls did I answer. "Out."

My father didn't seem fazed by my answer, not that I expected him to care anyway. He reached into his pocket and some money in my hand. 

"Go buy me some more bottles. I'm out."

I stared at him for a moment before shoving the money into my pocket. "I'm staying at Jongup's tonight, so you'll get your alcohol tomorrow." I said, brushing past him. However, he took hold of my wrist, and I turned and gave him a questioning look.

"Tell Junpog or whatever his name is to drop the bottles here by midnight. If not, you'll get punished." I frowned and yanked my wrist away. I had grown used to this behavior by now.

"You're not the boss of me." I scowled. "If you want your freaking alcohol, you'll get them when I get home. Tonight, Jongup and I are going out." With that, I gave him one final glare before rushing out of the house. It was already beginning to suffocate me. It was rare of us to hold a conversation, but whenever we do, we always glare each other down and spit hatred in each other's faces. I do hate my father, but I also love him.

Jongup had already been waiting outside when I rushed out. He was casually leaning against his car, clad in a leather jacket looking like a bad boy. I didn't want to let my father's behavior ruin my night, but it was impossible to smile. Jongup knew me so well that he could read it off my facial expression, and he immediately enveloped me into his arms.

"Don't listen to him, because you deserve so much better."

He always whispers those words into my ear whenever I'm feeling upset, and they always help me relax and feel better. He's right too. I deserve so much better. My father has never onced respected me, and he continues to blame me for my mother's death. I wish I had gotten to know him. I wish that he had never changed. I wished that my mother was still alive.

"Ah, I'm fine." I gave him a brief smile and pulled out my father's filthy money. That was another problem too. My father never bought me clothes. His mother ended up buying them for me. I don't think that he'd care if I would freeze. All of his money was either for alcohol or his food. Sometimes he even made me pay the rent. "Can we stop by the liquor store? My father ran out of his 'medicine', and I don't want to have to face him again."

Jongup nodded and smiled at me, ruffling my hair. He gave me a soft peck on my cheek and helped me into his car. We were soon driving away, and we made a brief stop by the store to buy the alcohol. 

"Where are we going anyway?"

We had been driving for a while now, and I had realized that I didn't know what plans Jongup made for tonight. He only grinned and kept his gaze locked on the road. His free hand slid onto my lap and found my fingers.

"A joyful place. It'll be a surprise though." I pouted my lips but nodded. Jongup's hands tightened around mine, and I saw him frown in the darkness.

"I got into another fight with my dad."

I immediately frowned and sighed. This was nothing new. Jongup got into a fight with his dad almost every week. "Money problems?"

"I wanted to buy you a necklace with my money, but he just screamed at me saying that I shouldn't waste valuable money on useless items." Despite the situation, I couldn't help but blush at that moment. He wanted to buy me a gift? Sure, he always did that, but I was still not used to it. I never recieved gifts from anyone except Jongup and my father's family. It was still new to me. 

"You shouldn't waste your money on me." I slowly replied, lowering my head so that my hair can hide my burning face. Jongup chuckled, and I could feel his gaze on me now. "Who cares about what he says? I bought it anyway." I glanced up and smiled at him. Ah, so is this what it feels like to be cared for? Jongup decided to go against his parents (again) to buy me a gift. It sent unfamiliar butterflies swarming in my stomach, and it felt... nice.

We ended up stopping by a carnival, and my heart fluttered at the sight of the lights and the rides. Carnivals always made me feel excited, and they were the only place where I was able to be myself and have a good time. I hopped onto Jongup's back in excitement, and he ended up carrying me like that through the entrance. Some people gave us weird looks, but we didn't mind at all. All around us, I saw couples and families laughing and playing together, and I felt my heart sink a little in disappointment. I always envied people like this. What did they do to deserve this kind of love? Why can't I have any of it?

Jongup must've seen the conflicted look on my face, because he immediately led me to a snack stand and bought me my favorite ice cream. He then pulled into a soothing hug and my hair.

"Stop thinking about him. You are a beautiful woman who deserves all of the love in the world. Your father is truly an idiot to let his daughter go." And once again, Moon Jongup has succeeded in lifting my fallen spirits. It seems like he's the only person in the world who understands my situation and my pain. It's almost as if we were made for each other - to comfort and complete each other. We fill in each other's missing gaps with feelings that we both lacked - love and friendship.

I was in a better mood after we finished eating the ice cream. Afterwards, we went on some rides together, laughing our heads off like maniacs. We were very competitive while playing some of the games, and some of the people who had been beside us slowly moved away. When it came to dinnertime, it was like a buffet. Our table was literally filled with food, and some people gawked at us like we were crazy. I mean, it's a carnival. Who eats like that in a place full of excitement? However, the entire time, I wore a smile on my face, because Jongup was helping me have such a great time, something that I lacked as a child. 

As we were walking around, we passed by a stand where an elder man was busy drawing, and my eyes landed on a stack of shirts on a rack. I realized that they were couple shirts, and that the elder has drawn them on the shirt. My eyes lit up and I nudged Jongup's arm.

"Can we please get a shirt?" I pouted my lips and hoped that my eyes looked bright enough to convince him. Jongup laughed at my (failed?) aegyo and ruffled my hair. "Aish, you're so adorable, so how could I say no?" I squealed in delight and held onto his arm as I led him to the elder. The elder greeted us with a warm smile and sat us down on the seat. 

"We should do a pose, like this -"  Jongup held his arm up, making half a heart. I giggled and did the same with mine, to complete the heart over our heads. The elder man smiled warmly at us and agreed. He instantly began drawing, and I watched with eager eyes. After a while, my arm was starting to become numb, but the man assured us that it was ok to put our arms down, since he had gotten the outline done. Jongup shook his head at me as he watched me smile like a goofball. 

"Is this your first date?"

The elder's question caught me off guard, and I sheepishly looked away to hide my burning face. Jongup, however, didn't seem affected by the question. "Well, this is a date, but we're not a couple or anything. We're just best friends." He answered, a bright smile on his face. The elder laughed and smiled as he finished his work. That's right. We're just best friends, and I'm so glad that he feels the same that I do. I always hold doubts within me, questioning why Jongup picked me as his best friend, but he showed me the answer not too long after we had first met.

"Aigoo, we look so cute! Thank you so much!" I was beaming brightly as I gazed at our shirts. His drawings were perfect, and we looked so cute! I decided to give the elder a hug, much to his surprise, but he happily accepted. Nobody has ever done a nice thing for me, or treated me nicely. It felt nice to experience it.

It was already 1 a.m. when Jongup and I decided to go to the beach to relax. Even though the beach was closed at this hour, we jumped over the railing separating the beach from the carnival. We took off our shoes and the warm sand sent a relaxing feeling within me. Our fingers were laced together as we quietly walked down the beach together, softly kicking some sand with our feet. We sat close to the shoreline and stayed silent for several moments to listen to the waves.

"If you keep smiling like that, your face is going to fall off." I burst out laughing at his response, because surely, my cheeks were hurting from smiling so much. Truthfully, I was happy, and despite the pain, I was showing the world how happy I was. I remembered how he said those exact words to me when we were younger. I had recieved my first gift from him, and I was so happy that I couldn't stop smiling. I felt that somebody in the world cared for me, and that was how I felt now.

Jongup reached into his pocket and pulled out a small black box. His eyes were hopeful as he opened it to reveal the necklace that he had bought for me. I smiled in delight at the sight. It was simple, yet it held so much meaning. He had bought me a pink puzzle piece necklace, and though it was simple, I loved it. Jongup hooked it around my neck, and I held it in my fingers. In my eyes, it was the most lovely necklace ever.

"I love it." 

"Good, because I have a matching pair." I turned and saw him hold up his necklace, a blue puzzle piece. He suddenly leaned in close, too close for me to start to daze, and grabbed my necklace. He didn't seem to mind the closeness though. He linked the two pieces together, and they fit in perfectly.

"This is to remind you that we complete each other. Only you can fill in my gaps, and hopefully, I'll be the only one to fill yours." He must've put some thought into it, but I loved how he cherished our relationship like this. Best friends are truly amazing. I smiled and leaned my head on his shoulder, happy. My fingers kept grazing my necklace as I gazed off at the ocean. Jongup sighed and leaned his head against mine, wrapping his arm around my waist.

"I can't believe that it's already been about ten years..." I murmured, barely remembering the significance of tonight. Ten years of friendship. Jongup chuckled and kissed my hair.

"There is still forever." And he truly meant it. His feelings were sincere and were coming from the bottom of his heart, and it made me wonder why such a nice boy like him was having such a rough life. It made me wonder why he picked me to become his best friend. Maybe fate really did exist, because I believe that we were made to be by each other's side to fill in those missing pieces that our own family failed to provide. We were made to suffer, but to also be content with one another and to help each other feel better and loved.

When I was young, love used to be a word that I never understood. I was familiar with hatred, something that was shoved in my face everyday. I practically grew up with nobody beside me. I felt lonely and unloved.

Now fate decided to give me somebody to help me - to love me and to be beside me whenever I needed it, something that my own father lacked in doing.

Hatred came in the form of my father.

Love came in the form of my best friend, Moon Jongup.

Author's Notes

Hey guys! ^^

Phew, so I finally got this chappie down after overcoming writer's block~

This is my first time writing like this, so please forgive me if it happens to be confusing.

A heads up : Yes, Hana and Jongup are only best friends! :)

This is just kind of an intro to their personalities and their relationship.

I want to be able to show that just love in general isn't only expressed in words like "I love you."

I want to show that actions do speak louder than words, and that everyone deserves a beautiful relationship despite the situation that you are in.

So, that's my goal xD Hope that it doesn't confuse you in any way.

Comments are loved~ :)

Fighting!~

~BAPisPerfect~