Starting Winter

Hana stands frozen in the middle of her small home, hands clenched tight around the edges of the paper in her hand. Her eyes roam every word, every sentence crossed out or scrawled messily on Jay’s letter.

She can see every indent of the page where he pushed too hard on the pen to force out the explanation – leaving to pursue his passion in music and dancing, losing interest, falling out of love – and the blotched dots where he paused, ink nearly seeping through the thin paper before carrying on almost hesitantly, the ink light and barely there – I don’t love you anymore.

Letting out a shaky breath, Hana forces her hands to stop shaking as she remembers when those last five words were just three.

Hana sits herself down at one of single tables in a little quaint restaurant, the hum of conversation and the latest song playing through the speakers filling the whole building.

She smiles up at the waitress who hands her the menu, asking if she’d like a drink before jotting down the order of cola and walking off to a different table.

Opening the plain menu, Hana reads off all the choices, ranging off from simple salads to complicated dishes that involve unpronounceable fish or something. She taps her finger against the plastic of the menu, humming. Her eyes are pulled away from a small stain she spots on the bottom corner of the last page when a glass of soda is placed in front of her with a light thunk.

The male smiles down at her, pen poised over a small note pad, “Ready to order?”

“Uh, yeah.” Hana stutters, looking back down at the menu, absently wondering where the other waitress had gone to. Not that she’s complaining, the waiter standing at her table was pretty handsome, even in that ridiculous forest green apron.

“Are you gonna tell me or what?” The guy asks, amused. His nametag reads ‘Jay’.

“Oh…right.” Hana could feel the heat rising to her cheeks, “I’ll have, uh, d –du…dukb –“

“Ddukboggi?”

“Yeah, that.”

He laughs, though it sounds more like a snort as he writes down the order, “Alright, it’ll be ready in a few.”

When Hana finishes her meal, she hopes the waitress from before doesn’t take his place when she puts down a tip and leaves.

“Ah, so Miss Ddukboggi decided to eat here again.”

Hana looks up from the menu just as Jay pulls out a chair across from her, smiling pleasantly.

She pouts, “I have a name.”

“I’m sorry; I think you forgot your nametag at home.”

Hana can’t help the upwards tilt of her lips at this, “I’m Hana.”

His smile widens, teeth showing, “Jay.”

“I know.”

Jay glances down at the tag attached to his shirt, chuckling, “Right, so I take it you want Ddukboggi?”

Hana nods, watching as he slides out of the seat, scribbling her order quickly before heading off towards the kitchen area.

He comes back minutes later with the food, refilling her glass of soda and placing down four dollars. Jay pauses and looks around, one of the chefs calling him over.

“Wait.” Hana says, holding up the bills, “What’s this?”

Jay raises a brow, “I think you made an accident tipping last week.”

“Uh…no.”

“Oh, so you meant to leave six dollars?”

Heat rushes to her cheeks as Jay hurriedly walks over to the now shouting chef. Hana finishes her meal, leaving the four dollars and walking out, not missing the barely readable numbers written on the receipt handed to her.

Jay takes a hold of her hand, leading Hana down a path.

“Your idea of a first date is weird.” Hana mumbles, tripping over something she can’t see.

Jay steadies her easily; laugh echoing past the open field as he continues to walk, “What? It’s a normal dinner date.”

“Of course, blind folding girls on first dates are completely normal.”

Jay stops his steps and Hana almost bumps into him. The blind fold around her eyes falls loose and she’s struck frozen in wonderment at the candle lit table set under an arched canopy of trees, white lights hanging from their branches. She belatedly realizes the reason why Jay had so many thin scratches on his arms and she can’t help but grin as he guides her to the table.

To Hana: ey ddukboggi!

To Hana: hey!

To Hana:ddukbooogggiiii

To Jay: ?

To Hana: love u(:

To Jay: me 2

To Hana:wat? thats it?

To Jay:jay its 4am let me slee –

“…Hello?”

“IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou.”

“I love you too, Jay.”

“Happy two years.”

“Mm, yeah…can I sleep now?”

A laugh, “Yeh.”

“Goodnight, Jay. Love you.”

“Sweet dreams.”

--

“You look horrible.”

“Thanks. Every girl wants to hear that...Next time don’t call me every ten minutes after four in the morning.”

“You’re so cute.”

Jay in a deep breath, letting it all out into the cool autumn air and smiles down at Hana. He takes her hand after slipping off his glove, her cool hand fitting perfectly against his own warm one.

Hana shivers, pressing into his side to greedily steal his warmth, “Can’t we go back inside? Y’know, where it’s warm…”

“No.” Jay happily pulls her along the dirt path, children’s laughter reaching their ears as they walk behind the park in the distance, “Just enjoy this romantic walk in the park.”

“You’re crazy.” Hana plainly says, smiling anyway, “You’re the only one who thinks walking down some road lined with leafless trees would be romantic.”

“Don’t you like the sound of leaves crunching under your feet? Besides,” Jay stops in front of her and waggles his brows, “You’re here with me, aren’t you?”

Hana’s smile widens, eyes glinting teasingly, “I’m pretty sure you’re just stepping on snails –“

Jay tells himself he kisses her just to shut her up, but he knows it’s because he just really wants to.

Jay doesn’t look at her; he can’tlook at her. His fists are clenched tight at his sides and he’s glaring holes into the cement at her door step. He flinches when he hears Hana sob.

“I –I don’t get. Why?”

“I’m leaving.” He simply says. He doesn’t know why it hurts so much, but he knows he’ll crumble with just one glance at Hana. He knows he’ll take it all back with just one look of her face. And knows he’s being a selfish idiot, just leaving her without explaining anything, but this was a chance for him and he was going to take it.

“It’s over.”

Hana reads over the letter once more and she doesn’t realize she’s crying until her tears stain wet splotches onto the page, blurring the ink. She allows the tears to fall, crying one last time for him as she crumples the letter in her hands.

She inhales shakily, staring at the ball of paper for a moment longer before throwing it to the floor where it tumbles from the light impact and lands next to the envelope that she’d dropped in surprise when she first opened it.

Jay is moving on, she thinks, so it’s time for her to move on too. No more waiting around, no more hoping for him to come crawling back and taking her into his arms. She’s going to start new; clean and stainless like the first drops of snow that greet her when she walks out the door.