Final
Or Forever Hold Your Peace“Should anyone here present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”
As badly as Himchan wants to say something, as much as he knows it will kill him to remain silent, he can’t. Not when Yongguk looks so afraid. Himchan couldn’t do that to him. He wasn’t about to shatter his best friend’s heart over his selfish feelings. He couldn’t do anything more for Yongguk than make him a social outcast. How happy would he be, with someone who could only tell him he loved him?
Ji Eun was perfect, or if not that, the least flawed person he knew, so unlike Himchan, who basically wanted Yongguk to crush Ji Eun and suddenly fall in love with the man who he had considered his brother since the first grade. He could almost say kindergarten, but kindergarten was a bit rough.
It began with the time the older mistook a five-year-old Himchan for a little girl. Himchan tackled Yongguk to the floor and the two both wound up in the principal’s office. Unlike Himchan, who was unscathed and smirking, Yongguk had a bruise on his cheek. Himchan explained to the principal that the other had it coming, but for whatever reason this didn’t justify it for the latter.
If it were any other kindergarteners, Yongguk and Himchan would hate one another. However, because this is Himchan, he interprets the humiliation and anger on the six-year-old’s face as something different entirely, and decides to follow Yongguk as he walks back home.
“Hey hey hey,” Himchan hops along on one foot behind Yongguk, alternating feet each before he loses his balance, trying not to land on the cracks in the sidewalk, his long bangs flouncing with each bounce. Yongguk scowls as best as a six year old can. “I’m Himchan, my birthday is next week. I’m going to be six.”
“Go away,” he growls, not very menacingly, although Himchan learns from provoking him years in the future that he’s improved on this.
“Why,” Himchan asks innocently, cocking his head to his side.
“I don’t like you,” Himchan takes this very personally, and begins to tear up. He sniffs, before beginning to wail loudly.
“Stop that,” Himchan continues to cry, balling his tiny hands to rub his eyes. All along the street people slow down to see the source of the obnoxious noise.
“Stop,” Yongguk whines, drawing out the complaint. Frustrated, Yongguk takes Himchan’s hand and starts to pull him along.
Yongguk, being a six year old really doesn’t understand how Himchan can change moods so quickly. Then again, neither does Yongguk as a twenty-six-year-old.
Himchan is sitting in his favorite chair, drinking from his favorite cup (the one with a tiger on it) swinging his legs back and forth happily, while his mother coos about how cute he is, even though he was a mess a few minutes earlier. And the kid is practically glowing with all the adoration he is receiving. Yongguk sits at the breakfast table, holding and ice pack wrapped in a paper towel to his cheek.
“My birthday is next week,” Himchan tells Yongguk’s mother happily, swaying from side to side.
“Is that so,” Himchan nods. Yongguk glares. Himchan spends another twenty minutes sitting in his living room and pretending to be adorable (Yongguk is pretty certain he’s actually some sort of evil monster).
“I gotta go home now,” Himchan stands, thinking he sounds mature for saying this, “Thank you.”
“You can’t walk home by yourself.”
“Why not, I live next door.” At that point Yongguk decided that Himchan's sole purpose for existence was to make him miserable.
Even so Yongguk attends Himchan’s birthday party after his mom more or less forces him to go. Himchan had been sort of obsessed with knocking on his walls thinking that Yongguk could hear the sounds and that he could just magically translate them and would respond, and for that week, Yongguk had continued to despise Himchan more and more.
He’s standing outside the door, holding a neatly wrapped present tied off with a bow. His mother had slicked his hair back, and Yongguk was currently doing his best to mess it up as badly as possible.
Himchan opens the door almost the instant Yongguk reaches out to knock. As it turns out, Yongguk had been the only one Himchan had invited, and either because he felt bad that he was the only one to come to the party, or that the party hat he was given had a tiger pattern on it, he decided that it becoming friends with Himchan wouldn’t be so bad after all. If you were to ask him now, he’ll tell you it was because of the hat.
Ji Eun’s near –perfectness didn’t just bother Himchan, it got on Yongguk’s nerves too. Himchan often used this to his advantage, because Yongguk would spend the night on Himchan’s couch when Ji Eun’s OCD kicked in, or when he did something wrong and didn’t want to apologize because he wanted to believe he was right. Himchan lived for those nights.
Nights of bachelor parties were pretty nice too.
As the best man, Himchan took it upon himself to organize everything. It was thrown at Yongguk’s apartment, a cute two story building with very understanding tenants living on the floor below Yongguk, so Himchan didn’t need to worry about disturbing anyone with how obnoxious it was likely to be.
Himchan didn’t get to enjoy much of the party he planned, because things become a bit fuzzy when he’s tipsy, and Himchan was quick to down a bottle of alcohol hardly a half an hour after everything began. According to Yongguk, Himchan get’s ty when he’s drunk, and because Himchan would start flirting with anything that breathed more provocatively than usual, Yongguk would be extra-possessive and didn’t let Himchan drift more than two feet away for fear he’d start grinding up against Junhong (his favorite target) who wasn’t old enough, no matter how “alright” he was with it.
Himchan always found it funny that Yongguk would use Junhong’s age against him when it came to doing anything remotely ual —although Yongguk’s definition of remotely ual meant basically meant making eye contact when it came to Junhong— but never when Junhong snuck a can of beer from the cooler.
With Junhong off-limits, and using his poor reaction alcohol as an excuse, Himchan was allowed to more or less drape himself over Yongguk and get away with it. The older had been fairly inebriated too, so he participated in some of Himchan’s skinship, much to Himchan’s semi-conscious delight.
“Chan-ah, be good,” Yongguk eyes Junhong, who is shuffling suspiciously towards Himchan, “I’m going to go say goodbye to everyone.”
“Nooooooooooo,” Himchan slurs, clinging firmly to Ji Eun’s husband-to-be as he staggers towards the door.
“Let go of me Himchan,” Yongguk says gently. Himchan’s grip loosens immediately, and he stumbles back, right into Junhong.
“Gotcha,” The boy says affectionately, smelling strongly of booze. Yongguk frowns. Himchan’s bangs fall into his eyes, hiding the tears that threaten to collect.
‘Let go of me.’ If only he could. Himchan had tried for so long, and so hard to move on past Yongguk. He had a number of relationships, with women and men (none of which he ever let Yongguk know about) but no one was ever able to be the best friend Himchan had fallen hopelessly in love with.
It was embarrassingly cliché though, wasn’t it? Falling in love with your childhood friend, but Himchan had always known he wouldn’t get his storybook ending, at least, not with Yongguk. If Yongguk did though, he would be happy enough.
“Hyung,” Junhong helps Himchan stand up. “Be careful.”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” Himchan mumbles, clumsily finding his footing.
“Bye,” Yongguk says loudly.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you,” Himchan waves cutely.
“Bye,” Yongguk repeats. Junhong an eyebrow before walking out the door.
“Be careful,” Himchan calls mockingly.
“I will,” Junhong replies sincerely.
“Bye,” Yongguk closes the door. Himchan turns around, presumably facing Yongguk but rather the wall, hands on his hips.
“Don’t be jealous, you’re getting married tomorrow. “I’m not jealous,” Himchan giggles at the wall.
“Well bye,” Himchan reaches for the door knob, but only finds a closet handle.
“Where are you going?”
“Home.”
“You,” Yongguk takes Himchan by the arm and begins pulling him towards the bedroom. “Are not leaving, because you will probably get yourself killed trying to get down the stairs.”
“Then I’ll take the elevator,” Himchan replies, not struggling whatsoever against Yongguk as the older drags him back into the apartment.
“You mistook the wall for me. You’re not going to be able to find the elevator.”
“You underestimate my navigation skills.”
Himchan continues to halfheartedly protest from the bathroom while he changes into Yongguk’s pajamas, which he decides are his new favorite thing.
Yongguk is sprawled out on the couch, finishing off yet another bottle of liquor. Himchan pads over to sit on top of him, hiccupping softly.
“Get off, you’re heavy,” Yongguk drawls, clearly with a death wish. A socked foot meets his face and the bottle falls to the floor. “Oh good, you broke—“
“Apologize,” Himchan demands darkly, digging his heel further into Yongguk’s cheek.
“Sorry sorry sorry sorry,” Yongguk cries.
“You should be,” he says huffily. “And you should stop drinking so much; Ji Eun will freak out if you’re hung-over.”
“Then I’ll take you down with me. But she’ll be drunk off her too,” Yongguk waves his hand dismissively. Himchan stares at him. The latter blinks calmly.
“Actually, let’s go to sleep,” Yongguk gets up, taking care not to step on the shards of glass, and grabs Himchan’s wrist.
Himchan is tossed onto the bed, obviously not in the context he guiltily would have preferred, and Yongguk scrambles in next to him, his shirt discarded on the floor. Himchan has to actually catch his breath. Yongguk’s has a beautifully sculpted chest, one that the art student in him would kill to use as a model. It’s all toned curves and gorgeous muscles. He has to stop himself from reaching out to touch it.
“God I’m going to miss this,” Yongguk’s arms are secure around Himchan’s waist, his touch more intimate than the younger ever remembers it being, but with the alcohol in his system there’s a chance it’s not even real.
“Miss what,” Himchan traces shapes into the sheets with his finger.
“Being irresponsible, spending nights together… and you,” Himchan’s heart skips a beat. Things would really have to change, and he was terrified that he would lose Yongguk when they do, “I don’t really want to be chained down by anyone, but I don’t think I mind if it’s Ji Eun,” Of course, Ji Eun was the exception.
“What if it were me,” Be cautious, don’t let on to anything. You can’t.
“You wouldn’t though. You want your freedom as much as I do.”
He nods. “That’s pretty impressive to hear from someone who couldn’t tell me how many fingers I’m holding up right now.”
“Hush.”
“Don’t worry; I’ll drop by from time to time to liberate you from the entirely not oppressive Ji Eun.”
They fall quiet. Himchan finds that it’s even nicer than he thought to be in Yongguk’s arms like this. It was a shame it wouldn’t happen again.
“If I told you I want to kiss you right now, what would you do,” Himchan freezes. It would be a total lie if he said that he had not wanted to hear those words for most of his life. But in this situation as much as it hurt to admit it, he wished Yongguk hadn’t said them.
“I would tell you that you’re drunk,” says Himchan softly.
“I figured,” Yongguk murmurs. He can feel the slightest bit of pressure as Yongguk presses a small kiss to the back of Himchan’s head. It’s nearly impossible to suppress a squeal so Himchan has to bury his face in a pillow to hide his borderline-psychotic smile.
“Good night.”
The day following was less fun thus far, but not as bad as the day he found out.
It still hurt. It really really hurt.
Himchan is caught off guard when the wedding invitation comes in the mail. He had always gushed to Yongguk about how ecstatic he’d be when he finally received one from his best friend, assuming someone ever did want to marry Yongguk (he was elbowed very hard for this), but the burning sensation in the back of his throat and the way his chest seemed to constrict only goes to show how much of a lie that is.
He is locked in his room for the rest of the day, going through a tissue box and a half, and ignoring all the voice messages from a concerned Daehyun.
Himchan also refuses to open the little red envelope with Ji Eun’s neat printing centered perfectly in the middle, and the two’s embossed initials on the back. And while it occurs to him that knowing his previous streaks, his stubbornness might just result in him missing the wedding, but he was much more caught up in moping around his apartment to talk himself into simply touching the stupid thing.
He doesn’t need to bother with it, since he already knows from the flood of panicked texts from Junhong and his rather good deduction skills that it actually is an invitation to come and see the man he had loved for so long become even further out of his reach. He preferred not to burst into tears in front of large crowds of people. That, and there wasn’t any sense in spending a lot of money on a suit and a gift, and transportation just to make himself more miserable.
Instead, he chooses to get a head start on being heartbroken for excessive amounts of time.
Yongguk comes to rescue Himchan from himself a week later; bursting through the door using the spare key he took (without permission) and never returned when they were in middle school. Himchan was more or less unconscious on his couch, an arm dangling off the side, tangled very inelegantly in his layers of blankets, eyes, cheeks and nose pink from a very thorough crying session not long before.
And so Himchan wakes up to Yongguk’s stupidly fond smile. Unlike the younger, Yongguk is absolutely thrilled to see the other and radiates an overwhelming amount of happiness that Himchan is not in the mood to be in the presence of.
But he pretends he is.
Yongguk spends the week with Himchan. For Yongguk, it’s like an early and extended bachelor’s party, for Himchan, it’s a sort of rehabilitation.
They eat at the trendy restaurants that have popped up all over, spending hours in bookstores and the rare record-shop, small art galleries and unsuccessfully trying to teach Yongguk how to ice-skate.
It’s fun, really fun, almost enough to take Himchan’s mind off the impending (an entirely appropriate word in his case) wedding.
Himchan had to rip open the envelope and pin it to his corkboard while Yongguk was asleep, and scrawl the date in big letters on the whiteboard near his front door, to make it seem like he had actually looked at the invitation and was looking forward to it, both of which weren’t true.
He was suddenly very thankful he hadn’t put it through the shredder and then thrown it like confetti out the window. (Although, that would have been very satisfying)
Unfortunately, it was only for a week.
Before Yongguk leaves, he asks Himchan to be his best man (though he asked in the invitation, which Himchan still didn’t really look at). The younger responds that he would have even if he hadn’t wanted him to and makes a big deal about coordinating. This convinces Yongguk that Himchan is all right, except he actually isn’t.
Jongup drops by from time to time for movie nights and cuddling, but it doesn’t make up for Yongguk’s absence. How could it?
He’s crying softly with everyone else as Yongguk cups Ji Eun’s face in his hands and kisses her tenderly. When they break apart, they’re wearing identical smiles, and it breaks Himchan’s heart, but he’s happy.
Junhong offers him a hand and Himchan takes it, holding on tightly, looking up at the taller boy and laughs. “Are you okay hyung?”
“I will be.”
“Chan-ah,” Yongguk’s eyes are a bit red when Himchan turns to look at him. Himchan throws himself into Yongguk’s arms, and Yongguk starts sobbing with the younger.
“Congratulations,” Himchan sighs.
“I feel really good right now,” Himchan smiles into the fabric of Yongguk’s tuxedo.
“I love you,” Himchan whispers. It’s a relief having said it sincerely, not like the many times they’ve jokingly told one another.
“Me too.”
“Yeah, but not like you do,” It’s only a dull pain when Yongguk tenses momentarily. His hold loosens. Yongguk doesn’t seem to know how to react. Himchan’s not going to wait until he does and his best friend is looking at him with that mixture of shock and disgust. Himchan don’t know what he would do if he did.
So Himchan smiles, genuinely, honestly. It feels amazing to not have to fake one after such a long time. And suddenly Yongguk is scared. He reaches out for the other, but Himchan’s already let go.
“Goodbye.”
A/N;
unbeta'd
Sorry.
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