Taeyeon could never bring herself to understand the idea of falling out of love. She tried but she just couldn’t. How could people says that they have stop loving something or even worse someone so easily? She couldn’t understand people who cheated behind their partner, she couldn’t understand people who end a relationship after years of being together, she couldn’t understand people who forgot about who had always been there to support them and she couldn’t understand people who stop loving the person who is still madly in love with them. Taeyeon couldn’t and wouldn’t ever understand that cruel concept.

She had fell for a lot of people, but her heart believes that she fell in love for only once in her entire lifetime. It’s only that one person she first gave her whole heart for and she couldn’t help herself to erase that one name from her heart ever. The story is not the same as her father and Taeyeon herself for she didn’t even know why they drifted apart. Her heart throbbing like crazy whenever she overthinks about the plot twist; yes, the twist. Losing that one person only means to lose her entire life.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[Flashback.]

She flipped through the stacks of paper in front of her before slamming her hands onto the table. She slumped into her seat, trying to calm herself. She’s back in her apartment still trying to figure out how to finish her assignment before the due date comes. She hates this subject so much that she couldn’t give any attention during the class. She barely passed the first quiz and now she needs to doubles her effort through the assignment evaluation. She massaged the temples before her phone’s ringtone echoed throughout the space.

“Taeyeon!” Her face lightened up upon hearing the voice.

“Princess, I missed you.” She whined.

“I missed you too, pabo. I have a great news for you.” She repositioned herself.

“What is it?” She asked impatiently.

“I’m on my way to your place!” The other end chirped.

“Seriously?” She asked in disbelief.

“Seriously.” She answered.

“Like seriously?” She repeated her question.

“I’m serious, Kim Taeyeon!” She half yelled.

“Oh my God.” Her eyes widen.

“Oh my God.” She could hear the other girl chuckled.

“By what?” She still couldn’t believe her.

“By train, my dear.” Her voice’s smiling through the phone.

“Why don’t you tell me first?” She panicked.

“Um surprise?” The girl giggled.

“B- but, how would you get here? I mean the station is like an hour from my apartment. I don’t have any kind of transport.” She has already stood by the window now.

“Oh, don’t worry about that. My friend will come and fetch me up.” She answered calmly.

“Your friend? Which friend, Sica-ah?” She asked in confusion.

“I’ve told you about her once. She’s studying at your place too. It’s Yuri.” Jessica reminds her.

“Oh, that Kwon? The one with motorbike?” She tried to recall her memory.

“Yup, exactly.” Jessica chirped.

“Are you flirting with her?” A pang of jealousy hit Taeyeon direct in her face.

“Wha- what? I’m not!” Jessica stuttered at the sudden accusation.

“Are you sure?” She raised her brow.

“Are we at this again? Seriously? Don’t you trust me, Taeyeon?” Jessica sounds disappointed.

“No no. Ju- just double check.” Taeyeon ran a hand through her hair.

“Hm.” Jessica didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry, baby?” Taeyeon sounded half-apologetic.

“It’s okay.” She answered in a monotone.

“Let me know once you arrive okay?” Taeyeon cupped her face.

“Okay. Bye.” Jessica hung up abruptly.

“Take care.” Taeyeon said at no one while staring at her phone.

[End of flashback.]

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jessica did everything that she could for Taeyeon. And she made Taeyeon believed that she’s a perfect wife candidate in Taeyeon’s eyes. In five years of them being together, they did every single thing that a couple would ever dream of. But where did Taeyeon missed? Missed to spot that one starting point resulting her to lose half of her soul today. She thought that the ‘happy ever after’ thing does exist. But she realized that it was nothing but a mere children’s nonsense. She gave a good five minutes stare at the photo flashing on her phone screen.

She’s doing just fine.

But it hurts that her supposed-soulmate (as she believed) is doing just fine without her. Her eyes feel warm; but her tears has already dried up from the crying she did for almost three weeks since Jessica put an end to their fairytales. She regrets; but she didn’t even know for what. Taeyeon couldn’t let her mind wander off to the memory of Jessica or else she’d become a maniac. Taeyeon lost her muse, lost her inspiration, lost her heart, lost her soul, lost her life and lost her love. Basically she lost everything that she even lost herself.

She did try to talk to Jessica a few times but the latter stood firm with her decision. What did hurt Taeyeon the most? Jessica admitted that she has been cheating on Taeyeon and she never thought about putting an end to their relationship on that unfortunate day. It just slipped from her tongue and she couldn’t retreat it. Jessica told Taeyeon that she still loves the latter but there’s something different in her now and she doesn’t know how to explain it. She doesn’t want to further hurting Taeyeon and she believes that Taeyeon deserves a better life; without her.

Taeyeon understand and Taeyeon realized; her love with Jessica isn’t supposed to exist in the normal human nature on the first place. They were against the natural human balance. People will disgust and people will disgrace them if they ever know that they did exist before. Heck, even their family doesn’t know about their existence until today. It was a dark secret for other people but not for them; or at least not for Taeyeon.

Taeyeon did curled up in her bed for days; crying her heart out like there’s no tomorrow. She put a façade to face her day, to face her friends, to face her surrounding but never for herself. She even fakes her laughs and smiles, prior not to let people see the weak side of her. She hates herself, she hates that she’s being shook by this kind of thing. She hates the big stage of life.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Taeyeon wondered how she even managed to survive until now. Breathe in and out, like a normal person. She thought that when Jessica leave her, leave her life, she would suffocate and eventually kills herself. But apparently she didn’t. She still wakes up every morning and fall asleep when the darkness engulfed the skies. Taeyeon couldn’t comprehend the situation she involved in. Sometimes she would forget about everything that had happened and live her life normally. She would laugh, smile, joking and play around within her circles. But at times she would fall into the unmentioned and unseen side of her; full with weeping, crying and heartbreaking sounds.

Taeyeon had this idea that she’s a psycho. Taeyeon even thought that she had the split personalities reside in her.

I hate you.

But then,

I miss you.

Taeyeon couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason to her sadness; was it really because Jessica left her or because of the memories that come ghosting around her? These days Jessica occasionally popped up in her track, but still keeping the invisible boundary between them. Taeyeon would sometimes looked into the latter’s eyes; that used to be her so-called world, and all she saw was a pair of orbs owned by a stranger. Stranger; a word that she feels weird to be heard. It sounds mysterious yet terrifying. And sure hell she doesn’t want Jung Jessica to be a stranger to her. Taeyeon thought it was a ridiculous idea to turn someone who used to be your everything, your world, into someone that you pretend like you never know them in the first place. Taeyeon once told Jessica that if (she emphasized that word) the both of them ever broke up, she would like to vanish from Jessica’s life; saying that she couldn’t stand the imagination of Jessica being other person’s love. What more to think that person as Jessica’s love. She just couldn’t bring herself to do that.

Taeyeon was a very reserved person and had this ‘don’t-approach-me’ kind of aura plastered on her face. But her walls crumbled the day Jung Jessica stepped into her life. She was afraid at first but Jessica ensured her, she had the doubt but Jessica wiped them away. She loved the days where the both of them would do everything together; shopping, sight-seeing, walking, cooking, joking, playing and even to as simple as staring at each other doing nothing. She loved those nights where they would be in each other’s arms, layered by blanket, then Taeyeon would whispered those sweet nothings into her ear, Jessica would giggled at them and she then rambled about anything (sometimes nonsense) with Taeyeon as her loyal audience. The definition of loyal is too deep to Taeyeon; it is a word that she values the most. It cut her deep, still.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Her eyes opened groggily, struggles to refocus on whatever image that would come into her view. She could feel her body being shook in a firm but soft manner.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” A melodic voice came into her earshot. After a few seconds of struggles, finally she managed to regain her full sight; giving a full force to straighten herself into a sitting position.

“Oh, good morning.” She rubbed the sleepy away from her face.

“You’re quite a sleepyhead now.” The other carved a small smile. She couldn’t help but to feel breathless at that simple gesture.

“Yeah, I’m sorry.” She massaged her unhurt neck.

“For what?” The other shifted her weight on the bedside.

“I kinda did some trespassing last night. What more to fell asleep on your… bed.”

“I gave you permission. So the word ‘trespassing’ doesn’t even exist now, no?” The other tucked her loose strands of hair behind her left ear. She had a very hard time to clear .

“Still, I didn’t have the right. I should go.” She tried to get out from the bed but the other pulled her back.

“Taeyeon, you never lose the right. Don’t make me look like the bad guy here. At least pretend I am not one.” She looked away.

“Unfortunately I am not a very good liar. Nor an actor.” Her eyes felt warm.

“Nothing has ever changed, Taeyeon. Believe in me.”

“Could you just stick to one statement? You are making me even more confused.” She shut her eyes to suppress whatever that is trying to escape from them. She could hear a soft sigh coming from the girl.

“It is just the title that has been changed; but others stay.”

“It hurts, and still hurts me badly.”

“Titles doesn’t matter, Taeyeon.”

“It does.” She gritted her teeth.

“Taeyeon, I’m doing this for your own sake.”

“Or yours?” The words were coated with sarcasm.

“You always think bad about me right? Heck, everyone does.” Her voice saddens. “But it doesn’t matter, I’m used to it. It’s up to you whatever you want to think of me. I know what I’m doing.”

Taeyeon turned to look into her eyes; still, she couldn’t read them.

“It feels like I’m all alone now. I’ve tried to hate you but I couldn’t even last for a minute. I don’t even know who you are to me. You are neither a friend nor a lover to me. What am I supposed to do, Sica?” Finally, warm liquids escaped her eyes.

“Then you don’t have to entitle me as a friend,” She her lips. “Or a lover to you.”

“Why is it so hard?”

“Because I’m still exists before your eyes, Taeyeon.”

“I never want you to go.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Taeyeon. When are you going to get this?”

“Not until you explain to me what’s happening.” She wiped her teary eyes.

“Sometimes, there’s no reason behind something.”

“That would hurt me even more.”

“Taeyeon, I’m not going to plead you to believe in me. But, you got your own place in my heart. We’re the same. I’m all alone now.” Taeyeon snickered.

“You said that when you already have her now? Wow.”

“We’re nothing, Taeyeon. I don’t even know what am I doing with her.” Taeyeon looked at her in disbelief. “I’m not toying with people’s heart. I don’t even know myself right now. I’m at lost, Taeyeon.” For the first time since forever, Taeyeon found something that she recognized as her old Jung Jessica; facades that she holds up against the world.

“I couldn’t laugh with anyone else as hard as when I am with you. I couldn’t be myself with anyone else as when I am with you. I couldn’t say those three words to you now without feeling guilty at all; I’ve betrayed you so many times in the past. As much as I-“ She closed her eyes; struggling to breathe in some oxygen. “I love you, I couldn’t be a loyal person. And I’m doing this because I love you still. I don’t want us to stay as a pair of lovers because I know it will burden you so much in the future. People won’t accept us like those we read in books or even fairytales, they just won’t approve us. This includes my family and yours.”

“You’re struggling to be normal aren’t you?” Taeyeon voiced out in a low whisper; though it was a whole lot to take in for her.

“No. I’m struggling to fit me, myself and you according to the real world. We’re not in some sort of fictions or movies, Taeyeon.” Her tears fell too silently that Taeyeon couldn’t even hear her own voice in her head.

“But we have each other.”

“I told you we’re not fiction’s characters, Taeyeon. People says we could survive as long as we had love; that’s bullsh*t.” She braced herself to engulf Taeyeon in an embrace; a longing one. “And I told you I would marry you and spend the rest of my life with you if I were allowed to. I swear that it came from the bottom of my heart. But we are nowhere near that, Taeyeon.” It took Taeyeon awhile before she returns the embrace.

“I missed you.” Taeyeon barely let the words to escape her lips, but she’s sure it was loud enough to hit Jessica’s eardrum. There's no further reply, or at least not what Taeyeon has been hoping to hear from her.

Jessica literally cleared , detaching herself from Taeyeon.

"Uh, I think you should go and take a bath first. I found your um... old clothes in my wardrobe. I hope it still fits you." Jessica reached for a towel and pair of clothes from across the bed before hand it over to Taeyeon; avoiding any possible eye contacts. "I'll be at the kitchen, preparing the breakfast. You know your way to the bathroom right?"

Taeyeon forced herself to control her face expression; not wanting to look disappointed.

"Yeah." It was a very low whisper. Taeyeon may have not been around this apartment for a long time, but she could never forget her way here. This apartment practically used to be her heaven with an angel named Jung Jessica.

"Okay then." Jessica briefly spared a glance towards Taeyeon's direction before walked out of the room; leaving Taeyeon in a trance.

---

Taeyeon looked down on her feet; letting the trickles of warm water to fall on her bare body. How she wish it could wash away her misery too. She wants to cry, to let out the disappointment and hurt in her; but her tears has already gone. She closed her eyes; trying hard to recollect her thought. After a few minutes spent in the bathroom alone; but the agonies and despairs never left her, she exited it with slow steps. Staring at the pair of clothes laying on the bed, Taeyeon couldn't help but to smile a bit. The fact that Jessica still keeps her clothes makes her feel warm inside. 

Taeyeon done buttoning her jeans (it wasn’t fully hers), she let her bottom to dip onto the mattress. She played with her fingers, mind wandering off to something and she was just separated a few feets away from it. She raked her fingers through the damped hair, letting her eyes to bore onto the ceiling above her. Then she stole a glance at the bedside; that’s when she saw them. Breathing a lung of air, she braced herself to reach for them.

---

“Thanks for the breakfast.” Taeyeon forced a smile up her face.

“It’s nothing, really.” Jessica hugged herself almost too tightly.

“And… I’m sorry about last night.” Taeyeon looked down on her shoes; it didn’t shine anymore. She even forgot when she owned that pairs.

“We’ve talked about that. I meant it.” Jessica sounds affirmed.

“Um yeah.” Taeyeon massaged her nape.

All they could hear was Taeyeon’s wrist watch clicking; noting that seconds has flown away with silence.

“Taeyeon…” She broke the tensed but it raised the tense on Taeyeon’s side.

“Hm?” Taeyeon’s brow knitted together.

Jessica her dry lips; she looked so much in hesitant.

“I… I’m leaving.” It was short and simple that Taeyeon wasn’t sure if she heard it right.

“Pardon?” No, she heard it but maybe she just doesn’t want to believe it.

“I’m leaving, for States.” Jessica looked away.

Taeyeon gasped but the volume was inaudible.

“Why?” She let out the question with her leftover sanity.

“My family needs me.” Taeyeon forced a lump of saliva down . “I’m leaving everything behind, here.” Including you.

Jessica’s family is now back in States. Her mother finally gave up on her father and decided to just go back to her hometown with Jessica’s younger sister. And now she’s joining them. Good for Jessica, bad for Taeyeon (or at least that’s what she thinks).

“Oh.” Taeyeon feigned a decent surprise (she’s totally taken aback). “When are you leaving?” Her voice was hoarse. She needs to hold on a little longer.

“In three days time.” Three, it has always been Jessica’s favourite number. She said it is her lucky number. Lucky.

Taeyeon was itching to reach for Jessica, tell her not to leave but she’s out of the picture right now. She got nothing against Jessica’s wishes, so she just stood still as if she’s waiting for Jessica to finally disappear without her willing to let it happen.

But it happened; her body was glued to Jessica. Jessica reached for her, emitting her warmth almost in instance. It had always been hard for her to breathe evenly whenever Jessica was around; but it has never been this suffocating when she realized this might the last one. Or might be the end.

“I suppose this might be the last time we encounter each other?” Taeyeon asked, in a very weak manner.

“Might.” Jessica repeated the word. Taeyeon hate it; hate it whenever Jessica offered her even the faintest hope. “Please take care.” And it added the amount of hate in Taeyeon’s chest.

“You too.” Taeyeon detached herself, looking down on the unattractive floor. Her eyes warm; all those flashback on the day when they broke up played at the back her mind. It feels almost the same right now. “I better get going.”

Taeyeon looked up, directing her gaze to the brownish door behind Jessica. At least she looked like she was gazing at Jessica’s brown orbs; she doesn’t have the courage to meet them. She turned around in a very slow pace but the crystal liquids in her eyes failed to match up with that. They fell almost too fast. She took her steps; inching away from the one whom she loved with all her might.

She must let it go, now.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

She slammed the front door shut. Running into the master bedroom of her apartment; hand shakily withdraws the curtains. She saw it; a lone figure plopped at the roadside with hands cupping their face, body trembles in a very pathetic manner. She wanted to run outside and hold the latter, tell them that everything is going to be fine but who is she kidding with?

It’s Kim Taeyeon; the permanent resident of her secluded heart. She’s worried; will Taeyeon arrive at home safely today? What will happen to Taeyeon once she leaves? Will she be just fine? Too many questions and she ended up mirroring the position Taeyeon had except for the fact that she was near her window sill. Her tears smeared her cheeks fast; the unexplained amount of hurt and of guilty filled her chest.

She tugged her hair; it was a mess in her world. But she ought to believe that she’s doing the right thing, for the both of them. Then she caught something from the corner of her eyes; her notebook was flipped open to a fresh page. She inched closer; there’s something carved on it but she noticed that the hand writing wasn’t hers.

It was hers.

I would find you in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds,
in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.

I won’t stop till the time arrives.

It torns her heart; into pieces.

---

At the end of the day, Taeyeon would never understand the process of falling out of love.

AN: This is . I know. But thanks for reading.