| Review for hopexdreams || Story: Forevermore (Oneshot; Completed) || By: MarilynTheMushroom |

Title: 4/5

I really liked your title though I do feel that I’ve seen such a name before which is why I didn’t give you full marks for this section. On the other hand, it did catch my attention and it defintely relates to the plot!

Overall Appearance: 9/10

Your entire foreword looked great! I think the spacing of the sentences and the font/ font size was just right. It didn’t look too chunky or unattractive but rather spacious. I feel that your poster matched the background well, however I don't really understand the relationship between Baekhyun's pose and the story. I think that what he was doing in the poster would have made me wonder if the story was about him breaking up with Hyejin or atleast acknowledging her existance, because your description doesn't exactly reveal much of the plot. However, I had already read your story by the time you had put up the poster and background, so I could guess how the poster, as a whole, relates to the story, except for Baekhyun's part.

Description and Foreword: 8/10

The layout for this part was really spacious, with not too many words or paragraphs. I think your description was simple yet deep and I really liked that! The foreword was short and clear and I liked how you managed to separate your intro to the story and the credits. It was very distinct and clear cut and as a whole, your foreword and description definitely wasn’t difficult for me to understand at all! (By the way, the part where you put ‘Genre: Straight’ was so funny!)

Plot: 18/20

At first I didn’t exactly understand what was happening at the beginning of your story because your foreword gave away little of its storyline, however after reading, your story seems to have a very different plot from the usual fanfic! Though I have come across a fanfic somewhat similar to the plot before, this story was shorter and more straight-forward than the other one. It was definitely relatable and realistic, especially when it came to part where you talked about Hyejin spending all her money on Baekhyun’s CDs and merchandise and I think that was something all of us fans could really understand and relate to.

 Hence, I gave you almost full marks for the realistic part of your storyline, however I didn’t give you full marks because I felt that the plot was sort of common, but there was a slight twist to it because you didn’t follow the typical fanfic where the girl meets the celebrity, they part ways, the celebrity dies and the girl regrets. So great job!

Language: 16/20

I think that your language was good and your writing was simple and easy to understand except that maybe you should focus more on the tenses used when you write. However, I think the only problem I really faced was when I read the part where there was a news report on Baekhyun’s death.

It started out looking and sounding like an actual report, but progressively the words used began to sound more like a story format and were slightly informal like “very frequent abnormal breathing sounds”, “The trend #GoodbyeBaekie…for over a day already” or “His family was too sad to say anything” (Perhaps you could have put: When approached for comment, his family declined).

The format for newspaper reports are supposed to be in past-present tense and in formal writing, so maybe you could try to ensure that the words used do not sound informal but rather in an objective point of view. Also, you could try to include more quotes from the people involved like perhaps from one of the fans that was disappointed with the cancellation of the concert.

Chapter 1:

She lost many of her closest friends because they were ashamed to be friends with someone who loves a certain 12-member boy group too much.

She lost many of her closest friends because they were ashamed to be friends with someone who loved a certain 12-member boy group too much. (Since majority of the sentence is in past tense, ‘loved’ should also be in past tense)

She still supported him being one.

She still supported him as a soloist.

The 35 year-old soloist has been diagnosed with epiglottis several ears back.

The 35 year-old soloist had been diagnosed with epiglottis several ears back. (‘several years back’ makes the sentence past tense, hence it should be ‘had’ and not ‘has’.)

He had to be admitted into the hospital due to his very frequent abnormal breathing sounds and difficulty breathing.

He had to be admitted into the hospital due to his frequent abnormal breathing sounds and breathing difficulties. (‘Frequent’ includes ‘very’ in its meaning, thus putting it behind ‘frequent’ makes it redundant. For ‘Difficulty breathing’, the phrasing is correct but I felt that ‘breathing difficulties’ might have sounded better.)

But all they could do is pray for Baekhyun’s safety and health.

But all they could do was pray for Baekhyun’s safety and health. (The sentence should be in past tense as the entire paragraph is talking about something that already happened)

He passed away on the 14^th of March, 2026, when he was having his dinner when he had difficulty swallowing all of a sudden, causing him to have very severe breathing difficulty and he soon passed.

He passed away on the 14^th of March, 2026, as he was having his dinner. He suddenly had difficulty swallowing, causing him to have severe breathing difficulties and he soon passed.  (When ‘When’ is used twice in the same sentence it tends to sound redundant. In addition, assuming that this is supposed to be a news report, putting ‘all of a sudden’ inside would be odd because it’s usually used in story format. Also, in this sentence ‘severe’ already includes ‘very’ in its meaning, hence using it one after the other would sound redundant. Lastly, ‘difficulty’ should be plural as there was no ‘a’ to show that it was just one breathing difficulty.)

Crying unstoppably and reading the news over and over again to the point that she could memorize what was been written.

Crying unstoppably and reading the news over and over again to the point that she could memorize what had been written.

I’ll wash up for a minute.

I’ll wash up in a minute.

“I’ll wait for you at the kitchen!”

“I’ll wait for you in the kitchen!”

Characterisation: 11/15

I did see some characterisation in the oneshot, yet I feel that I didn’t exactly get to know Hyejin as well as I thought I would. There were parts in which you described her as a crazy fan that wrote fanfics , bought merchandise and tried to move on later in her life. However, I think that you could’ve developed her character a bit more by maybe describing how she looked like or what made her so attracted to Baekhyun.  

Flow: 10/10

Your flow was perfect! The story had a good pace and smooth transition of her thoughts of the past to the present. I really enjoyed the part where you put the ending "quote" in the forward, because at first I really didn't understand how it related to plot until I saw it at the end and it seemed to make more sense. So full marks for you here! :D

Overall Enjoyment: 9/10

I really liked your story! The plot was great and I was definitely interested in reading it, however I did feel that the ending sort of let me down because I was actually expecting something a little deeper, like Hyejin visiting his wake after finding out about his death and he suddenly wakes up in his coffin XD . But I have to say that the ending was satisfying if only I had not thought so hard about the ending haha.

Grand Total: 85/100

Just remember to watch out for your tenses and the format you’re writing in, because apart from that your language is perfectly fine. Also, try to give a more detailed description of the character so that the reader will be able to picture him/her better. Other than that, I think you did a great job with this oneshot!

I apologise for the late review. I’ve been so busy with school and exams that I just haven’t gotten the time to properly review stories but I hoped this helped (:

Marilyn

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