re·gret  [ri-gret]

1. to feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, esp. a loss or missed opportunity).

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Regret is a heavy taste on my tongue when my eyes snap open. The morning sunlight streaming in through the window panes is gleaming obnoxiously, and I throw my arm over my eyes, groaning loudly. My head hurts immensely, my temples pulsing as I try to block out the brightness of the room. And it's not only my head that hurts, but everything else—that which includes my heart.

I ed up so bad last night.

"Luhan?" I hear the door click open and I sit up, a familiar round-faced ginger hanging in the threshold. "Luhan, are you up yet? We have class in an hour."

Class. Minseok. Life. All these things I have to get up and attend to when all I feel like doing is laying in bed all day, the sheets and comforter wrapped securely around me.

"Earth to Luhan!" Minseok's voice sounds muffled in the backround, and so does his loud sigh.

The floor creaks lightly under his feet as he steps forward, the mattress dipping under his weight when he sits down next to me. I can't even think about meeting his disapproving gaze, so I turn and stare at the wall instead. Because there was no hiding it from Minseok last night. The minute I walked in and he saw my face, he was all over me. He just kept asking questions until I finally gave in and we sat down together as I spilled everything. He said a lot last night, oddly not all too surprised by what I was upset about. The thing that is still fresh in my mind is when he said that Sehun's crush on me had been quite obvious for some time.

Obvious to who, though? In my years of knowing Sehun I never suspected that the younger was even gay let alone trying to get together with me! I mean sure, it was a bit odd—he never had girlfriends and even though we were close he never mentioned liking anyone—but he was my little dongsaeng and I just...In fact, I still can't fathom it. To me, that kiss was nothing more than just the spurr of the moment. Sehun doesn't really like me that way.

Which is why I did try to continue my relationship with him even after he kissed me. I felt like we could smooth out this rough patch, that this was just a phase of his youth. And, if I were being honest with myself, I couldn't let him go. He's precious to me. To me, there was no problem, as long as we acted like there wasn't. But it was cringingly obvious how far we had grown apart. Months of never answering my calls, responding to my texts, and every single time I tried to get near him he would shrink away. Why? How come things had to change? Relationships progress but never like this.

I wanted to preserve our friendship. But it was all in vain. And then, I did the worst thing imaginable to him.

Even I know you don't kiss someone you don't love.

Because I love Sehun, but I don't love him. He's so handsome and sweet—the concoction for a perfect little dongsaeng. The first time we studied together, it was like meeting my other half. Even the day was beautiful, and when I opened the door, ready to start my first Korean lesson, it just clicked. He's like my best friend, but...different.

No, I can't let him go this easily. We just need to talk it through, work it out.  Silence and avoidance is not going to get us anywhere. If only he'd just...listen. I'm sure I'd talk some sense into him! Running my hands through my hair, I let out a long sigh. If only he'd just listen.

"Do you think he'll ever forgive me?" I ask quietly, and Minseok puffs out his cheeks, shrugging.

"I've known Sehun for almost seven years now, and I can honestly say he's never acted out in this way before."

My heart sinks into my stomach, and I swallow thickly.

"But why couldn't he at least try to be normal again?"

A hand falls to my knee, and I finally glance over when he squeezes it through the comforter. He wears a melancholy smile, and it makes my stomach churn.

"You don't know much about love do you?"

I draw my knees up to my chest and wrap the blankets tighter around me, burying my face in my knees.

"We used to be so close..." I murmur and he nods silently. "It's not like he loves me, like you're saying. He's just confused, I'm sure of it. It's not like he's even given me a confession!"

"Remember what I told you last night?" I glance up at him and shrug.

"You told me a lot."

"Well, I want you to know this," he leans forward and takes my hands. "Just please don't act like you know his heart. All you'll do is hurt him. And I will not let you hurt him."

Silence blankets over us, and he squeezes my hands before rising to his feet again.

"I'll make us breakfast before we go or something, okay?"

I nod quietly, watching him turn and pad out of the room, but not without exchanging an unreadable glance with me first. The door is left hanging open, and I stare at the space Minseok once occupied.

Hurt him? I would never do that. In fact, I've done nothing wrong! Admittedly, I did kiss him. But that was...the heat of the moment. I've just been missing him so much, and the last thing I wanted to do is lose him. It seemed like the only answer at the time, and I got wrapped up in the emotions. Hell, I almost forgot that it was Sehun I was so far gone. He was so soft yet completely tangible in my hands. It was a completely new side of Sehun. And only in a quiet moment would I ever admit to myself that it was unlike any other feeling in the world...

But it was a definite mistake, and one I regret. Because it seems as if it will never be redeemed. Even Minseok was upset with me last night, his surprisingly harsh tongue attacking me at every opportunity. The blame has been completely shifted to me but this is not my doing. I have no wrong intentions, I just want us to go back to being normal again.

"Breakfast is ready," Minseok pokes his head in the door and I swing my legs off of the bed, giving him my best smile.

"Be right out," I get to my feet and he salutes me.

Shuffling over to my closet, I throw open the door and stare at my clothes. Like every morning I grab the closest thing to me, pulling a pair of jeans on haphazardly and sliding my shirt on without any regard. It only takes a couple seconds to brush my hair before I call it good, and I soon find myself padding down the hallway, the smell of rice and meat wafting on the air. Usually the scent puts me in a good mood, but I plop down at the table with a sigh just as Minseok slides my bowl over to me. 

"Thanks," I mumble when he hands me my chopsticks.

The chair across from me scrapes when he pulls it back, and Minseok takes a seat. I can feel his eyes watching me carefully, but I purposely ignore him, stuffing my face mindlessly as I stare at the dark wood of the table. After a few minutes of chewing and the occasional sip of tea, I hear ceramic slam onto the table, and I snap my eyes up in annoyance.

"Luhan, what is your problem now? Usually you love breakfast, and today you have some of your favorite classes."

"I just.." I take another bite and chew slowly as he continues to stare accusing holes into my face. "You know, even after he kissed me I still never judged him. I even continued to be his friend! What is wrong with that? Isn't that a good thing to do?"

"I don't think that's the reaction he was hoping for," he takes a sip of his drink and I roll my eyes.

"How do you know anyways? I mean, sure, he's been acting strange, but school is difficult and life is stressful. It can't just be me."

He quirks up a brow as I polish off the last of my meal, downing the last of my drink in one last go.

"Why don't you take him seriously?" he huffs in annoyance and it's my eyebrow's turn to ascend into my bangs.

"What do you mean by that? He's growing into a man, of course I take him seriously," I defend myself but Minseok is obviously not having it, his glass making the table shake when he sets it back down.

"Is it because he's gay? Like, this kiss only means he wants or something?"

"No," I collect my dishes and stride into the kitchen, tossing them into the sink. "Both kisses didn't mean anything. They were mere accidents."

"When you're doing the kissing or when he is? Because it seems to me that both of these instances were no "mistake", or whatever you're calling it."

"I'm calling it what it truly was! Why aren't you taking me seriously now?"

"Luhan, you—"

"It's not like he's in love with me or something!"

It's only then that I realize how loud we have gotten, my words ricocheting off of the walls and echoing for a couple moments. Gulping down my anger, I let out a long sigh and step forward, grabbing my coat and backpack.

"I'm leaving for class, okay? I'll see you later."

I don't bother waiting for his response. Instead I slip my coat on, make sure my phone is in my pocket before I sling my backpack onto my shoulder. I do all this while his gaze burns a hole into my back. Unlocking and opening the front door, I have the urge to glance back at Minseok, to read what his facial expression is telling me. But in the end, my pride won't let me. Instead I step out of the door and into the hallway. I let the door close itself behind me, but just as it's swinging back I swear I hear Minseok murmur.

"You don't know anything, do you?"

I huff in annoyance just as the door slams shut behind me.

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"ing hell," I mutter when yet another student bumps into me, my phone fumbling around for a few moments before I thankfully catch it.

Today, in a word, was awful. In my anger I left without half of my books, and halfway through my second class I realized that I even forgot to brush my teeth. Not only that but I completely spaced writing a paper that is critical to class, one of my professors got mad, and on top of it all I can't concentrate at all! The only thing on my mind is Sehun, his accusing stare and loud shouts occupying my thoughts. Today has been an absolute mess, and I'm only halfway through my classes!

Which is why I've come to Tapioca Utopia. There's just no way I can survive the rest of the day without  a cup of something. 

"Welcome to Tapioca Utopia, what can I get you today?" the girl has a sweet smile and I click my teeth as glance up at the menu.

My eyes pass over the taro bubble tea, but my stomach clenches uncomfortably when all of the memories associated with the drink come flooding back. All of those good times with Sehun, many walks around campus, hanging out...I bite my lip and settle for ordering something completely out of the ordinary.

"Can I get a small lemonade please?"

Her left eyebrow quirks up, but she doesn't say anything, ringing up my order anyways. The man standing behind her pours the drink in the cup as I hand the girl my money. When it's in my hand the cup is strikingly cold, and it honestly doesn't suit the spring afternoon. But I take a long sip as I turn from the counter anyways. I pucker my lips when the sour drink rolls down my throat, but a sweet taste chases after it which leaves me oddly satisfied.

Glancing around the room, I try to find a seat that's not the window one, but my eyes end up falling on it anyways. And though I don't want to sit in Sehun's usual spot, my feet are already leading me there, step by step taking me closer to the seat. The scraping of the chair is defeaning and I barely register sitting down before I actually am, mouth wrapped around the straw again.

My phone buzzes in my pocket but I don't bother answering it, figuring that it's no one important. It's not like it's Sehun. These past few months he hasn't even opened my texts—my phone informs me that the last text he opened before yesterday was almost four months ago. And no amount of calling him got me anywhere. I had to physically find him, purposely bumping into him "accidentally" wherever I knew he was going to be. But I couldn't ignore the frown that turned his lips into a thin line whenever I visited him at work or happened to spot him around campus.

I still don't get why he wouldn't just try to return things to normal. It's not my fault he just...kissed me. But I don't blame him either. Everything was a mistake, it's not like anything was serious! Sighing, I let my face contort again with the sourness of my drink.

"What do you mean you used all my dye?"

The door jingles, the obnoxiously loud voice following after. I lift my head up to see who is in the door, and my eyebrows furrow together. Isn't that...?

"Sehunnie! Why didn't you wait until I came over then?"

Tao.

The blonde taps his foot for a few moments before he laughs loudly, Sehun's name once again falling from his lips.

I clench my teeth tighter around the straw and watch him carelessly stroll up the counter, practically yelling a, "Fine then, Sehunnie! I love you, bye!" into the phone.

"I love you"?!

Ripping my gaze from the childish man bouncing on his heels, I focus on the table instead, gritting at my faint reflection. What the hell? Why does he—smiley, obviously gay, and ridiculously fabulous—get to be all over Sehun? How come he can proclaim his love and hug all over him? I hold back a loud gasp when a realization dawns on me.

Is Sehun going out with Tao?!

I don't realize that I'm watching him again until the tall panda meets my eyes, a smile lighting up his face, transforming his harsh facial features into soft, pretty ones. My stomach churns when he grabs his drink, thanking the girl lightly before bouncing forward in my direction. Oh , oh , oh . What do I do? He's halfway here and I don't even understand why I'm so mad at him!

"You're Luhan, am I right?" he tilts his head cutely and I swallow the thick lump in my throat.

"Yeah, Tao, if I remember correctly?" I most certainly do. I could never forget how him and Sehun were so...close.

"That's right! I'm not sure how, but you know Sehun, so, I just wanted to say hi!"

So Sehun never told him? They seem so close yet never even mentioned me once? Internally I feel a little ticked off at the fact, but on the outside I put on a brilliant smile.

"I don't mind at all!" I lie straight through my teeth. "And was that Sehun you were just talking to?" I inquire as casually as possible.

Unfortunately he pulls out the stool next to me though, and I click my teeth when he sits down, crossing his long legs and taking a long sip of what looks like a cappucino.

"Oh yeah, he just called me. Seems kind of upset but I can't visit him tonight, I have to work," he shrugs and I suppress a smile of satisfaction.

Though I don't know why I'm so...triumphant because he can't see him tonight. In fact, why does Tao piss me off anyways? He's quite sweet, if I were being honest. He would probably be an ideal boyfriend for Sehun. But there's something about him that just rubs me the wrong way. I can't help but glare at him when he glances down at his phone, laughing lightly at a text on his screen.

I have to get out of here. His personality is suffocating me, and today has been bad enough. So much for a relaxing drink, I guess. I put on my sweetest, most sincere fake smile ever and shrug my shoulders as apologetically as possible.

"Well, I have to get back to class, so..."

"Oh no, you go right ahead! It was nice seeing you."

Uh huh.

"You too," I get to my feet and tip my head in his direction. "Have a nice day, Tao."

Not bothering to wait for a reply, I instead turn around, the smile instantly dropping from my face. I scowl as I brush past a couple of guys, making a bee-line for the door, trying my best to be inconspicuous but I honestly can't hide my distaste with the entire day. Besides, I'm not going to any more classes today. I'm just going home. That's the only place where this day might get a little better.

Except for Minseok. I hope he isn't home. We've never really...fought before, per se. There's truly never been anything to actually fight about until now. Which I still don't understand why he's getting mad at me. I'm not at fault here! If only I knew what his problem is. He keeps bringing up the fact that he's known Sehun for years, but what does that have to do with anything?

Kicking a rock out of the way, I finish off the lemonade with a long slurp just as my apartment building comes into view. The air is chilly, the degrees dropping as the sun does. It's already almost six, but then aga