A/N: Italics = Past // Normal font = Present

re·jec·tion [ri-jek-shuhn]

1. (the action of) refusing to believe, accept, or consider (something)

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Staring up at the ceiling, I swing my legs hanging off the bed and sigh loudly. The TV is blaring in the living room but I don't want to hang out with Jongin. I should probably be studying or practicing in the studio, but I don't feel like doing work at all. Puffing out my cheeks, I turn and look at my phone, staring at my reflection in the black screen, willing the device to flash any sort of notification.

 

 

And to my surprise, it does.

 

 

"A text from Luhan?" I ask myself, stomach tying itself into knots as I hurry to unlock my phone.

 

 

 

From: Lu Ge❤(◕‿◕✿)
you should come over!! ge is bored~

 

 

Chuckling, I instantly hit reply, my heart already racing at just the thought of being with him.

 

 

movie night?? 

 

 
A ding sounds just moments later.

 

 
From: Lu Ge❤(◕‿◕✿) 
of course~ get your over here!!!! 

 

 

I don't even have to contemplate my answer. 

 

 

be over soon *yes sir* (^-^)ゝ

 

 
The very moment I hit send I'm already gathering my things, snatching my comfy jacket that smells like Luhan's place I've worn it there so many times and my house keys. I don't need much else because what more would you bring to a movie night? The only thing that's required, according to Luhan, is a smile.

 

 
And the second he texts me, I can check that item off of the list.

 

 

Jogging out of my bedroom, I hurry into the living room, slipping on my jacket while sliding the keys into my pockets.

 

 
"I'm going out, 'kay?" I inform Jongin who's currently laying halfway off the couch, phone glued to his ear and eyes trained to the TV.

 

 
"Luhan's?"

 

 
I nod sheepishly, red instinctively painting flecks onto my cheeks. He wiggles his eyebrows in response.

 

 
"Have lots of se—I mean, fun!" he fakes surprise while he cackles and I throw a cushion at his face.

 

 
"Don't get Kyungoo's stuck up your while I'm away," I retort sweetly and he snorts.

 

 
"At least I've told Kyungsoo I like him!"

 

 
Pouting, I decide to ignore him, finished with our conversation. That's a sensitive issue in it's own right and he knows it. Poking my tongue out at him, he flips me off like the good friend he is and turns up the volume. I leave the living room, letting his obnoxious giggles fade further and further into the background until it's completely gone, my hand resting on the front door's handle. I make one last check over myself, and once satisfied with having everything, I turn the handle and let the door fall open, the cool evening air hitting my face and making my dark hair brush back.

 

 

The evening is brisk, a typical autumn night with the sun just below the horizon and the air chilled and still. As expected, the neighborhood is quiet, all university students either studying in their own homes or partying further down the road. Our block is always hushed during this time of day, and I can hear the gravel crunching under my shoes with each step towards my car. Unlocking the door, I slide in and get the engine running, wanting to be at Luhan's already.

 

 

Luhan. 

 

 

Sometimes I wonder if Jongin's right. He's been saying that since the moment Luhan joined the tutoring program he's been drowning in my drool. And though I give his shoulder a good ache every time he brings up my crush on the Chinese man, I can't help but wonder if he's onto something. Maybe I should just tell Luhan how I feel? I've known—and loved him—for almost two whole years now. My first year of college I decided to tutor the Chinese exchange students in Korean for extra curricular. My good friend Minseok introduced me to his new roommate, Luhan, who needed some help in Korean. And though I've always known I like men, this was something entirely different, a whole new feeling every moment I even thought of him. And through the years, we've moved past the textbooks and onto hanging out. Now I'm his favorite dongsaeng, and he's my precious ge.

 

 

And that's all we'll ever be.

 

 

But hopefully I'll get the courage up to change that.

 

 

Soon, I always tell myself.

 

 

Soon.

 

 

Luhan and I's playlist becomes background music as I turn off of my street. Dorm life was hell freshman year, and Jongin and I, my best friend from high school, decided that living in our own house would be better. Some other friends of ours agreed and we take up this little block of the neighborhood just down the road from school and shops. Luhan also happens to be quite close to us. Him and Minseok followed our lead and decided to get a spacious apartment just across the street from Gangnam University. Which is why it only takes a couple minutes before I find my usual parking space in front of his building, close enough to the complex doors to see it, but far enough so that I can get myself under control before I'm strolling into his apartment. I turn off the car, one of Luhan's favorite songs cut short. Glancing up at his specific window, I watch the colors behind the shades turn, probably as a result from the TV.

 

 

Opening up the door, I slowly slide out, my eyes never leaving his window. I shake out my jitters once I'm on my feet and lock the door behind me. Counting my steps, I make my way to the main doors, heart beat getting louder and louder in my ears with each step closer I take. It's funny, really. After all these years it should be a breeze meeting up with Luhan. Yet every single time I have to remind myself to breathe when I first see his face, to not trip over my feet when his hand inevitably grabs my wrist, to not choke on my words when he greets me with an enthusiastic, "Sehun-ah!"

 

 

Someone's music is blasting down the hall when I enter the building. Luhan and Minseok are on the first floor, and all I have to do to be at his door is take a right, go three long strides, and turn to my right again. I do just that, facing the numbers '103' with a small gulp. Lifting my knuckle up, I go to knock but take a deep breath instead. This is always the part that my palms start sweating and the hallway seems a little too stuffy. Letting go of the air stored in my cheeks, I finally bring my fist down on the door, the sharp noise seeming too loud to my ears.

 

 

"I'm coming!" a voice shouts from behind the door and I stand up a little straighter.

 

 

"I'm waiting," I respond cheekily and I hear the click of a lock, my teeth sinking into the inside of my cheek.

 

 

"I don't remember inviting over a brat," the door swings open and I begin to gnaw at the flesh.

 

 

As per usual, he looks like an absolute wreck. Chocolate brown hair remains unstyled on top of his head, tuffs and curls most likely the courtesy of his bedsheets. His clothes are wrinkled and hanging awkwardly on his body, his fashion just a pair of grey sweatpants and a blue shirt. But this is the Luhan I like the most—comfortable, casual, and just pure Luhan. Because it truly doesn't matter what he wears. His round eyes still sparkle as brightly, his lips are still beautifully crafted petals on his face, and those surprisingly defined abs and strong legs continue to remain hidden under his strange apparel. His perfection makes me self-conscious, and I instinctively fuss with the hem of my shirt.

 

 

"Sorry, Lu ge," I force a pout and he grins.

 

 

"Like hell you are, you brat. Come in, come in; I've already picked our movie."

 

 

I follow after him, the aroma of scented candles and soccer filling my nostrils the moment I close the door behind me. Both him and Minseok play, and no amount of candles could get rid of the grass and sweat smell. But it's charming in a way, and it's never bothered me. It's a part of who Luhan is, and anything that is Luhan is perfection to me.

 

 

"Is Minseok in?" I follow after him into the living room, secretly hoping that his answer is no.

 

 

"Well I know you always want to hang out with him more than me," his laugh makes his eyes crinkle pleasantly and I find myself giggling along. "But no, he's off. Said something about partying at Baekhyun and Chanyeol's place."

 

 

"And you didn't go?" I plop down on the couch and watch how his shoulders move when he shrugs.

 

 

"Didn't feel like it. I'd much rather spend some time with you."

 

 

In that moment, my heart jumps up into my throat, and I almost draw blood I'm biting my bottom lip so hard.

 

 

"W-well..." I begin, only to be cut off.

 

 

"How about some horror, hm?" he holds up the entire SAW collection, and I internally shudder.

 

 

"But ge~," I whine. "You know I don't like how bloody it is!"

 

 

On the outside, I'm whining and complaining, being the typical bratty dongsaeng that I know Luhan has come to cherish. But on the inside, I'm absolutely thrilled. I know he'll put on the movie whether I want it or not. If he wants something, he gets it. Which means that I can be inconspicuous while still being able to cling onto him and bury my head in his neck when the scene becomes gory. We're close, and he's never questioned it, always saying that it's 'cute' and 'hilarious' that I act like such a girl when it comes to horror movies. I've never really liked them, but if only he knew how much I've come to love them...

 

 

What if he did know though? The real reason why I still watch these scary movies with him even though I don't like them? Would he be disgusted that I take pleasure in inhaling his scent and feeling his skin under my lips with every accidental touch? Or would he love it just as much as I do? After all this time I want to know so bad, but I can't chance ruining my friendship with my precious ge.

 

 

Jongin always says that Luhan likes me back. That he won't take any action because I'm younger than him, that he probably doesn't want to take advantage of me. But how does Jongin know that? He's lucky that he's just a year younger than Kyungsoo, and that he was confident enough to reveal his feelings just a couple days after he told me how he felt about the older. Every time I even think about saying just a word of the pages of feelings I have for Luhan, I choke up and am unable to say anything after I see his beautiful face. It's maddening—being so close yet so far all of the time.

 

 

Soon.

 

 

"Sorry, Sehun-ah, we're having a full out marathon tonight so buckle up!" he pops the disc in and I grab the blanket on the end of the couch. Wrapping the blankets around my legs, I snuggle into the couch further, leaving enough space for him on my right.

 

 

Once he flicks off the lights, he hurries back and plops down next to me. I instantly snake a hand around his waist and place my head in his lap, shrinking closer when the main menu comes up.

 

 

"This is the third time you've made me watch this," I pout openly and he clicks play.

 

 

"Third time is a charm, eh?"

 

 

Rolling my eyes, I watch as the various companies flash on the screen, everything haunting and disgusting. But I'm not truly paying attention to the screen at all. I'm much more focused on the way he continuously shifts under me, his energy never drying up for a second. The first scene fades in and I grip him closer, a small smile tugging the corners of my lips up. The grim setting is revealed to us watching, so I close my eyes, trying to memorize the exact temperature of his thighs, etching his breathing patterns into my memory.

 

 

"There's seriously nothing like the original," he continues talking during the movie, a habit of his I've come to accept. "Wait a minute, are you already closing your eyes? It's not even that bad yet!"

 

 

He's laughing up a storm at me, and I cling to him tighter.

 

 

"But I know what's going to happen!" I insist and his hand falls to my head, twirling my brown locks in between his elegant fingers.

 

 

"Don't worry, Sehun-ah, I'm here," he coos softly and my stomach tightens painfully.

 

 

"Not close enough," is what I want to say, but it remains an unspoken thought in my mind.

 

 

Focusing back onto the movie, we settle against each other and watch as the characters wake up and discover their settings. Luhan still remains all into it, body leaning forward as the two try to figure out why they're stuck in a bathroom. I hold back a yawn and instead focus on the fingers still threaded in my hair, my scalp receiving a sort of massage. When his nails scratch against my head I want to moan, but I hold it on my tongue, still trying in vain to keep myself composed.

 

 

I'm so focused on his soothing motions that when a loud crash emits from the surround sound I truly do jump, my muscles tensing and my body leaving the couch for a split second. It's just a breath later that Luhan is literally guffawing, cackling louder when I turn up to glare at him.

 

 

"Did that seriously scare you? Jesus, Sehun-ah, are you sure you're going to be able to watch the whole thing?"

 

 

"I'm pretty sure I felt you jump too!" I retort and he rolls his large eyes.

 

 

"Whatever!" his hands untangle from my hair and his fingers attack my neck, forcing a loud laugh out of me.

 

 

He begins to tickle me, the movie long forgotten as his hands roam all over me. From my neck to my armpits, he continues his endless attacks, earning loud shouts and choked laughter out of me. He grins like a maniac, jumping to his knees and pushing me onto my back. Hovering above me, he positions his legs on each side of my waist and presses his full weight onto me, pinning me down and getting a better angle of my neck. I shriek when another hand joins his current one, the pace relentless and the fingers merciless as he pinpoints each ticklish spot on my upper body.

 

 

"G-ge, no!" I beg and his fingers only work faster.

 

 

"Are you still scared?" he laughs and I shake my head frantically.

 

 

"I'm not!" I insist and he lifts up a brow. "I p-promise!"

 

 

"Oh, I don't know, Sehun-ah, that was quite the scary crash!"

 

 

"S-shut up! Sto-op!" laughing tears are gathering in my eyes and my abdomen hurts so bad.

 

 

Suddenly all of the movement stops, and I squeeze my eyes shut, the small tears running down the sides of my face. Breathing heavily, I regain all of the lost oxygen, my body aching where he touched and even where he didn't. I let my muscles relax against the couch and laugh weakly again, finding the entire situation funny.

 

 

Until I open my eyes, that is.

 

 

He's a lot closer than I remember him getting. His bangs hang around his eyes and his mouth falls open as he pants above me, hands on each side of my head. Our waists are practically glued together, and I'm sure that it's the outline of his that I'm feeling against my thigh. My teeth find their way to my bottom lip and I bite softly, not quite able to meet his eyes.

 

 

"Not so scared now, huh?" the smile reaches his eyes and my stomach does a fantastic flip.

 

 

I'm not sure what wills me to do it. One second I'm laying beneath Luhan, chewing on my own lips, and the next I'm leaning up, crashing our mouths together. Reaching up, I clasp my hands behind his neck and pull him closer, wanting to feel his entire body on mine. I'm pretty sure he accidentally killed me during the tickling because the feeling of his lips against mine is something one could only experience in heaven. My heart is racing and the blood is screaming in my ears, but I can only pull closer, all hesitation melting away with every second that passes.

 

 

Whether it was only a second or an entire century, the kiss was one that leaves me wanting more when he pulls away, and I gasp for air, needing to feel his lips on mine again.

 

 

Silence falls over us, and I open my eyes, expecting to see a surprised but happy face.

 

 

But the sight I'm greeted with leaves me confused.

 

 

"What the ?!" he exclaims, eyes wide as he leans up, instantly wiping his mouth.

 

 

I watch, horrified, as he hurries to climb off of me, almost stumbling over himself once he gets to his feet. His eyes bore accusing holes into me, and I feel myself shrinking further and further into the couch.

 

 

"W-what, ge?" I ask quietly, my voice so small I almost cannot hear it.

 

 

"D-don't "What, ge?" me! What the hell was that?!"

 

 

Blinking up at him, I feel tears start to prick at my eyes. What does he mean by this? He almost looks angry—perhaps even hurt—his eyes shining in obvious confusion as he continues to stare at me. The light of the TV casts shadows over his face, making him look harsher and older. I desperately want the couch to split into two and swallow me whole, but after a few seconds I realize that I'm left to deal with the consequences of my actions.

 

 

"Luhan ge, I'm...sorry," I start, not able to grasp the fact that my nightmares have become reality.

 

 

"Why did you kiss me like that?" he pauses for a moment. "You're gay?!"

 

 

I can't answer him. My head is pounding and his face is becoming blurry behind the gathering tears. But I don't dare let them spill over, not in front of him. I'm already pathetic in his eyes, I don't need to make it even worse. Instead I glance down at my lap, playing with my fingers.

 

 

"Oh my god, Sehun," he sighs loudly and I wince, noticing the drop of the affectionate "-ah" that's usually placed at the end of my name.

 

 

"I-I'm gonna leave," I start to get to my feet.

 

 

"You..." he trails off and he sighs loudly, the moment dragging on before he opens his mouth again. "Yeah, you should do that," he agrees, words laced with strain. I clear my throat, still trying to fight off the tears.

 

 

Quickly rising, I don't bother to look up and see his face. I just keep walking, balling my fingers into fists as I go back up the hall. Swiftly zipping up my jacket, I don't waste any more time, making a bee-line for the door. My vision is completely gone now, and my body wracks with a silent sob when I finally get the door unlocked. I yank the door open and don't wait for a goodbye, knowing that this time I won't get one.

 

 

Because this time, it's goodbye forever.

 

 

"W-wait, Sehun!"

 

 

I'm already halfway out of the door, but I can't help but stop for him, his voice still continuing to make my knees weak. Shuddering, I don't turn, but just wait. A moment passes before I hear a light sigh not too far from me. My muscles tense as I continue to wait, eyes trained on the cream wall across from me.

 

 

"I just..." he begins and I swallow.

 

 

"It's okay, hyung," I tack on the Korean purposely.

 

 

That's when my eyes finally reach their limit, the tears spilling over and running hot down my cheeks. My throat closes up when he groans again, but I don't wait to see if he says anything. Instead I continue the previously abandoned journey, leaving his door open wide behind me as I rush down the hallway. I take three long strides back to the main door and almost run into the young girl trying to get inside in my haste.

 

 

The evening air is much cooler this time, the moon fully set in the sky. My breath is shaky and I take wobbly steps towards my car. It's like a shining beacon in the night, my one escape from embarrassment and shame. Relief washes over me the minute I slide into the interior and I jam the keys into their slot. But I can't find the will to turn it on. My hand and my heart are both too heavy.

 

 

When I glance back at his window, that's when I finally lose it. Sobbing loudly, I let my body jerk and wrack with each heave, the tears running down my cheeks and onto my neck. Burying my face in my hands, I let Luhan's horrified face stay on a loop in my mind, his words an endless track of rejection. In my mind I blame Minseok for bringing him into my life, Jongin for convincing me that he likes me back, and Luhan himself for being so damned perfect.

 

 

But in my heart I'm damning myself, cursing my very existence over and over again for being such an absolute fool. Why would he ever like me back anyways? How come I had to lose control? If I hadn't, I wouldn't be in this mess! I would still be in his arms, enjoying my secret, guilty pleasure. But instead I'm here, alone in my car with only the sounds of my own sobs to accompany me. Sniffling, I pull out my phone, managing to unlock it even through the blurry vision.

 

 

To: That Dark Kid
i ed up...i ed up so bad jongin and it in hurts

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"Sehunnie, can you help me over here?"

 

 

Glancing up from the catalogue on the counter, I continue to lean on my elbow propping me up, searching for the voice. It only takes a few moments before I spot Yixing, waving his hands, trying to get my attention from across the store. I huff in annoyance, sliding my eyes over to Minseok standing next to me, putting my best pout on. But he obviously isn't having it, hands resting on his hips and right foot tapping rapidly as he glares at me. Smiling sheepishly, I blow the bangs out of my face and stand upright.

 

 

"Sehun," his tone is warning and I hold my hands up in defense.

 

 

"I know, I know; show them my best smile and help to the best of my abilities," I grumble the motto he made up a couple weeks ago and a smile replaces his harsh frown.

 

 

"Now go and help Yixing, he's been waiting forever thanks to you."

 

 

Saluting him with a lopsided grin, I jump over the counter, earning another squeal of, "Sehun!" But I pay him no mind as I hop off of the smooth surface and land on my feet. Instead I keep walking forward, my target the confused Chinese man standing by the books with a content Jongdae hanging off of his shoulder. Laughing as I walk up, I take the book from his hands and shake my head.

 

 

"For the last time, Yixing ge, you're not in this class," I see Jongdae's menacing look, fiercely defending his perplexed boyfriend, and I have to cough down a giggle.

 

 

"I thought Professor Shim said the blue book?" he questions nobody in particular. I shake my head once again and put the book back, going for the correct one that's a striking contrast, a grass green compared to the pale blue.

 

 

"Here you go, Professor Shim's latest organic science book."

 

 

His little eyes light up happily when he grins, tucking the book under his arm and exchanging a glance with Jongdae.

 

 

"Thank you, Sehunnie, I'll get Minseok to ring this up."

 

 

I bow lightly to him just as the door rings again, signaling yet another customer. The couple glance behind me, and I notice their faces contorting in happiness, eye smiles and all. Jongdae waves, gesturing for the person at the door to come over. I swivel my body around to see if it's one of our friends, but the Korean man beats me to it.

 

 

"Luhan ge!" Jongdae says enthusiastically and every muscle in my body freezes.

 

 

, , , .

 

 

"Hey Minseok," I hear his cheery voice and my abdomen tightens. "And Yixing, Jongdae! Long time no see!" he giggles and I can almost see his eyes sparkling in amusement. "Well, since yesterday that is. I'm surprised you two managed to untangle your tongues though, you were pretty caught up."

 

 

I watch as Jongdae goes an adorable shade of red and Yixing's hand finds it's way to the back of his neck. And though they're all shy giggles and light pink embarrassment, I'm the complete opposite. All I want in this world is to disappear into the floor. Because I know Luhan is coming up right behind me, and my heart is about to burst it's beating so fast. I tense up when a shadow outlines around my own and I feel body heat radiating through my clothes, a smaller but stronger form just inches away from my back. A hand suddenly falls onto my shoulder, squeezing lightly, and my breath hitches.

 

 

"How's work been going, Sehun-ah?" hot breath makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up straight, and I watch Jongdae and Yixing thumbing through the book together, the smaller man resting his chin on the older's shoulder.

 

 

"It's been..." I start but can't finish my sentence, let alone form coherent thoughts with his fingers massaging my right shoulder.

 

 

"Yes?" he asks softly and I clear my throat.

 

 

"A-actually," I glance around, trying to find any sort of distraction from him. Yixing—who is not only my friend, but also one of Luhan's—smiles at me, and my brain clicks. Lunging forward, I grab the pale wrist and pull Yixing a bit too roughly into my embrace, clinging onto him as I find the courage to look over at Luhan. "I was just helping Yixing."

 

Out of the corner of my eye I see Jongdae's mouth form a thin line, his eyebrows sliding low as he watches me manhandle his boyfriend. But I continue to busy myself with coddling Yixing, using that distraction to buy time. Buy time that I don't have to look at Luhan. Yixing giggles when I grip him closer, almost fumbling the book out of his hands.

 

 

"Well, that's awfully kind of you, Sehun-ah," I grit my teeth, already fed up with how many times Luhan's called my name, adding on the affectionate '-ah' each and every time. "Then I guess I'll get Minseokkie to help me pick out a new gym bag?"

 

 

I swallow the lump in my throat and nod.

 

 

"You do that."

 

 

I glance down at Luhan's feet behind Yixing's shoulder and watch as his calves turn, Luhan finally walking off towards the counter with heavy steps. Another, "Minseokkie!" ricochets off of the store walls and I let Yixing go, the latter laughing and falling back into Jongdae's grasp. I don't miss the glare sent my way when I straighten again and I smile sheepishly at the shortest among us.

 

 

"I'm sorry, Jongdae hyung," I pout and he rolls his eyes.

 

 

"Let's just pay and go," he murmurs haughtily before linking arms with a confused looking Yixing who nods anyway. Pulling his boyfriend away with a huff, Jongdae leads them back to the counter, and I watch after them, sighing to myself. Smooth move, Sehun. Pissing off the resident troll is always a smart idea! He continues to hold onto his Chinese boyfriend as Minseok pays for them, but my eyes soon wander away from the couple. My eyes can't help but slide over to the man standing off to the right of them, pestering the small ginger to help him pick out a bag already as he continues to check the couple out. It's an instant effect—my knees turn into jelly the moment my eyes fall on him and I have to look down.

 

 

Nothing's changed. He's still the same disorderly idiot, hair barely brushed and just a fashionable jacket changing his pajamas into street clothes. But it's still hard to avert my eyes, and keeping them trained to the ground is just as impossible. I decide to busy myself with fixing shelves and rearranging books, something I never do around the store though Minseok tries to get me to.

 

 

It's unfair, really. That Luhan gets to come in here and act like everything is normal. Hell, it's only been, what? Three months? Yes, three ing months since I kissed him. It only took a couple weeks before he was texting me, completely glossing over the fact that I