His nightmare 

Luhan's body was convulsing and his breathing was heavy. Beads of sweat dribbled down his sideburns and down his neck. The blankets that somehow wrapped itself around his body during the night was hugging him tighter than usual and he couldn't stop sweating. Beneath his surface was all black. Specks of gray. Yet there was nothing there. He saw nothing, but it felt like this painful nothing was never going to end. He heard desperate scratching and nonstop whirring. Maybe it was the sound of his whimpers as he tried to escape the bounds of his blankets, but his eyes couldn't open to figure out what was really happening in reality. Maybe he was having a nightmare, but deep down without the anxiety, he knew once he would wake up, he would believe that it was another lucid dream.

It was a Friday, Ice Cream Friday at school to be exact. If you had a dollar, you can show it off to your friends that Umma gave you money that you could hold on your own. Baekhyun, the class president, who sat besides me waved his dollar around with boast, and indiscreetly showed off his infamous manicured nails in the process. He was the only guy in the third grade that had beautiful nails. Even Tao had a dollar. He didn't have manicured nails, but he did have a white shirt that was a newly stained with today's lunch. There were colors all around him and the background began to swirl. Dyed tongues. Delighted faces. Luhan's favorite Strawberry Shortcake. The Scribblers he never had someone to share the other end with. It was overwhelming him. Turns out the classmate he had a crush on, Sehun, bought a Scribbler and broke it off with Kai. Luhan looked down at his dollar-less fingers and twiddled them, static slowly filling his ears and eyes and hearing his click of ejection.

Luhan felt the wind throw his bangs upwards and the sting of the cold slap his delicate face left and right leaving it raw. He was walking backwards, trying to go against the current but it seemed like the wind was facing both ways. The middle school he attended was the closest one to home yet the walk still felt like an eternity, and his two feet were his only companion. The snow crunched under Luhan's sneakers and he felt its softness cave under his steps.

Left. Right. Left. Right. Pause. 

Suddenly, his body stopped in mid motion. The cars in the street came to a sudden halt. Everything became eery silent as if someone pressed pause to the movie that was his life. His deer like eyes dashed back and forth in panic and his heart was pounding out of his chest. Not today, he pleaded. Not now. Time seemed to have stopped, but Sehun continued to walk towards him from behind, dribbling a basketball in coordination to Luhan's heartbeats. Thump Thump Thump Thump. He willed himself to move but his feet didn't want to. 

Sehun passed by him slowly, tilting his blonde head and sneaking Luhan one of his signature smiles. The smiles Luhan use to be so familiar with. However, he couldn't miss or look past the hurt and fake in the other's eyes, the eyes that were now distant. Sehun had turned the corner and Luhan's legs trembled in empathy. He snapped his head up towards the sky, unable to hold in the flashbacks that were now playing through his eyes. His tears were hot and Sehun's heart was now cold.

Luhan gripped onto the straps of his book bag tightly, afraid of losing his sanity at the twisted caricatures. The twelve best people he's ever met in his life, the ones who stayed and those who left, standing one beside the other like toy soldiers. There were post its plastered on every corner of the hallway in front of him.  He slowly approached them, taking a good look at every member he use to know so well and call his friends. How handsome and tall they have become. Luhan looked down at his small hands, and remembered third grade. How come he never changed the way they did?

Seeing their dazed eyes of obliviousness to his suffering switched on the anger inside of him. Luhan walked up to Xiumin and snatched the post it that was stuck on his forehead, his lips trembling, noticing the close proximity he had with the boy he devoted 3 years to. His cheeks were still puffy like they were in middle school, but the look Xiumin had as he looked down at Luhan wasn't loving anymore. It was sinister. Luhan read the post it shakily and the words felt so much like yesterday he couldn't tell whether to laugh or cry. 

        You're just a pretty face. 

A good doll to play with.

A fun ball to kick around until you deflate.

Xiumin probably never loved him in the first place. Luhan decided to laugh, eyes now filling with menace. He looked up at his once best friend and grabbed the reel of film that was encircled around his neck.  Anger. There was definitely anger.

" Out of sight, out of mind ", he thought, feeling Xuimin's adam's apple get crushed under his tight fist.

Luhan loosened the tape with one pull and it coiled to the ground, smoking as it disintegrated into ashes. Xiumin grabbed at his own neck, choking as if his source of oxygen was being taken away. He started to scream and it echoed throughout the hallway as all the memories filed out of his body like a fast forwarded projection. Luhan watched in horror and stumbled away from the fading body. 

           He saw remnants of his first kiss with Sehun. He was nervous but Sehun coaxed him that it was okay. 

           Sehun and Xiumin fighting for him as Luhan watched, unsure of which side to defend. 

           Sehun watching with tears of vengeance when Luhan grabbed Xiumin's hand instead of his. 

           Sehun continuing to ignore his existence whenever Xiumin was around.

           Xiumin collecting a bunch of twenty dollar bills from the rest of the members after Luhan finally slept with him. 

Most of the memories he knew, but some of them were new discoveries that reopened old wounds. Finally, the memories stopped playing and Xiumin was gone, but the screaming didn't stop. He didn't know how he ended up on his hands and knees but he felt pathetic. His throat was getting scorched but no matter how loud he screamed in agony, the toy soldiers in the hall stood by their post unmoving. 

The screaming faded into the familiar sound of suffocating static and fast paced whirring that he hated so much. Luhan opened his eyes after what felt like an eternity of drowning in his own tears and found himself back in bed, waking up to the sound of birds chirping outside the window. His blankets were by his feet but there was heavy warmth eloping his body in just the right places, making him feel comfortable and loved. There was a familiar scent of cinnamon and cream cheese and he saw a fluff of blond hair dug into the curve of his neck. The static and screaming was gone, and was replaced with the slight dribbles of Sehun's breathing against Luhan's bare collarbones. 

After blinking a few times and looking down in confusion at the tears that had absentmindedly slid down his face, he couldn't remember his crazy dream anymore. Luhan counted to twenty before believing the scene before him was no dream. Definitely no nightmare. He was back in his room but the terror was gone. All the bad memories were gone. Sehun was there, back in his arms. He closed his eyes and started crying, this time tears of relief and real happiness. Through his eyelids he saw an array of light. It was morning and the sun felt warm and welcoming. A new day, a new tomorrow.            

He opened his eyes and saw Sehun awake, staring back at him with slight amusement. " Babe, why are you crying?," he asked gently, wiping the tears off Luhan's cheeks with his thumbs. How much Luhan has missed those eyes. The eyes that proclaimed that he would love and want Luhan no matter what. " I- I just- I love you so so much," he hiccuped, trying to hide his embarassed face. What if Sehun thought he was acting strange at his sudden outburst? 

Sehun grabbed his chin and chuckled, a strange glint flashing in his eyes. " I know you do. Only me right?," he asked curiously, keeping his grip on Luhan's chin. Luhan tried to remember if there was anything else he should possibly remember, and he inaudibly gasped. 

He couldn't remember anything. 

Only Sehun. 

There was nothing but Sehun in his mind.

" No....only you. There's only you...," Luhan answered him, his eyebrows twitching nervously. Fear was bubbling up his throat. Something was wrong. Something was very off. How come he suddenly couldn't remember what he thinks he forgot? Sehun only chuckled some more and glided his finger down Luhan's jawline to his neck. He grabbed the slip of film that was around it. Luhan flinched in surprise, as if he knew that that gesture meant danger. Sehun held him down with his body as they both still lied in bed. He let go of the film and made sure to tighten it so it wouldn't come off anytime soon, fresh engravements on the new film. 

" Good. I'm glad I got you back too."