--x

"By the time I first casted a glance upon you, 
Butterflies came flying and fluttering about out of the blue.
Leaving an endless trail of sparkles, glitters, magic and do
I realized, this poor heart was captivated by you."
- Luhan's 1st Note

--x

 

 

 

1st Note

 

It was an unusually misty afternoon when Sehun decided to get out of his bounds and take a breather for a change. Being alone is poignant, especially with this kind of weather which made the sentiment double its effect on him. He chose anyways, to be alone. The sky is dark with clouds silhouette silver hiding the sun across the sky. Winds constantly blow from one direction to another, swaying treetops and grasses from side to side as it passed by. The firmanent looked like it is gonna pour rain anytime soon, Sehun concluded, yet he still opted to go out. It was also unusually cold in this time of the year, a faint screen of surface miasma can be seen all around. As he stepped out of his patio, Sehun breathed in and out and looked around him. The homey aura from the greeneries calmed him down and promised a peaceful day ahead of him. Doing that everyday satisfies his spirit. Nature is undoubtedly the only way to pacify him during these times, one of the reasons why he adores it and abhors its abuse.  

 

 

It's been days since he last went outside of his house, weeks even. He didn't bothered to go out for supplies for he stocked enough to last himself a year. Tao has been pushing him for days to get out, breathe some fresh air and spend some time with him and the rest of the boys. He was finally convinced that he needed to give himself a break after being rained on by Tao's frequent persistent nudges. 

 

 

Sehun settled on with the idea to attend the boys' get-together party in the nearby posh place, a compulsory insistence courtesy of Joonmyeon. Of course, also sponsored by him, as the leader of the cluster. He was informed of the said assembly weeks ago, thanks to Jongin who kept him updated with everyone's proceedings. It's been weeks since they last spend time with one another because everyone has been busy for those weeks due to different activities like trainings, practicums and such stuffs that they barely see each other let alone mingle. Being in the last year of college seemed to be enough pressure for them to do good in their studies. Luckily enough though, this day was one of those rare perfect days when everyone could spare an hour or two so it has been agreed for them to meet up during this juncture. It was already their tradition to be able to spend some time with another whenever possible, a self-proclaimed rule that popped out of the blue ever since high school.

 

 

Sehun glances on his wrist watch. 2:00 pm. Joonmyeon said they have to be in the venue by 1:30 pm. , he cursed under his breath. He's late again, as always as it is since forever. Chanyeol used to humor him that being late is considered as a natural "gift" for Sehun ever since he was little.  What can he say? He was the champion laggard back then and up until now. After a little deliberation and a quick check of himself, he quickly got his bike and pedaled towards the venue. Sehun half-expected a frown and a good little lecturing will he get from Joonmyeon, but instead he was greeted by smiles and welcome from everyone. Joonmyeon wasn't exactly on the lecturing mood either. He was all smiles just like everyone else. He, everyone even, was too grateful for Sehun's appearance that the only emotion evident on his face was just happiness. They're all there, Joonmyeon together with Tao, Kris, Chanyeol and Baekhyun. Jongin and Kyungsoo are also there, bringing a snow white pomeranian, named Daio, with them. It was quite weird for him because Kyungsoo isn't really fond of dogs. At least, as far as Sehun's knowledge goes. 

 

 

There was only one person that was not there. His heart sank when he found out Luhan's absence. Why should he still expect him to come? He hasn't showed up for quite some time. Sehun sighed at the thought. He was still patiently waiting for his return for awhile now. But he feared his sacrifice would all be soon in vain. No! A little voice inside him objected. His wait would never be in vain. Luhan will return. He will.

 

 

Tao patted Sehun's shoulder, smiled at him and asked him how was he feeling. He smiled back and told him he was fine. Tao gave him a skeptical eyebrow raise and a nod. He wasn't really convinced with Sehun's smile. It was convincing alright, but it wasn't as sweet as it would be if it was the real deal. Sehun was always the one who hides emotions, especially misery, really well and Tao, as well as the boys, knows exactly what he's been through. Basically, there was no point lying, Sehun realized. He was only trying to make them less worry about him. But his dishonesty didn't help him in his thrive either, instead it only worsened the deal. The boys have been worrying about the aloof and daze treatment he gives them for the past months. It's not as if Tao and the boys aren't used to Sehun's appeal, vague and sometimes emotionless. It's just that his standoffishness stepped a level higher ever since Luhan left. His departure has a done a great deal of damage to Sehun's mortality.

 

 

Other than occasional nods and smiles, Sehun was silent throughout the covene. He was listening to whatever his friends have to tell; Baek's stories about how much his landlady stinks and how much he hates her, Chanyeol's frequent rants about how hard advanced algebra is for him, Tao's plans for giving out free wushu lessons to kids, Kris' near-impossible plans of owning an art museum and selling an actual oil canvas made by his supposedly "skillful and artistic hands". They laughed together and teased each other about random things, which exactly felt like the old times. Sehun didn't get his share of the feeling though, for it didn't feel like the old times for him. Not with Luhan gone. He sipped his bubble tea and grasped on the last sanity that was left inside of him. He doesn't want to talk or think about Luhan anymore. He doesn't want to breakdown in front of his friends for he didn't want them to be all over him worrying. He would gladly shoulder his own desolation to himself, not to dragged them along into his pain. 

 

 

After 2 hours of talk they could spare, the boys bid goodbye to each other and Joonmyeon promises another gather anytime soon. As others took off their separate ways, Tao taps Sehun's back with a smile and a "Be better." He only smiled bitterly at him, knowing he can never be better. Not as of the moment. But soon, he will soon.

 

 

Sehun goesdown to the huge private park where he and Luhan used to sneak into when they were still together. The park is owned by Sehun's great aunt, a grumpy old scrooge, who hated him as much as he hates being teased for his infamous lisp. It was a vast mini-forestry, approximately half a hectare, abundant with tall, varied kinds of trees, harmless forest critters and greeneries. Across the entire landscape was a small river of sapphire beauty that glitters and reflects light as it hits during sunrises and sunsets.  Grasses were perfectly green and the soft feeling of it against his palm was incredible. This place is where Luhan and Sehun hangs out whenever they don't have much to do. The fondness to nature was divinely mutual to the lovers. They were not oblivious it was forbidden though. There were metal barbwires all over the place that serves as a warning and a reminder that the both of them aren't supposed to be there. They are barriers that supposed to keep out intruders and themselves. Sehun's great aunt was as mean as hell and he was equally welcome inside the perimeter as a pest. They stayed there nevertheless, for they believe the old scrooge was just only a crazy old woman obssessed with the property that isn't really hers to begin with.

 

 

Those barbwires most certainly didn't stop the lovers from experiencing an almost paradise setup from behind them. They past through an opening in between bent wires made especially for someone to pass through. The cavity were somehow concealed behind a gigantic bush on the west part of the park and out of front opening's eyeshot so their entry is unseen. Sehun scooted himself through the breach and jogged toward the riverside. He sat under the shade of a some kind of tree with an enourmous built and dwarf height, it's branches spread wide and tall. It was astonishingly small for the rest of the pocket forest, but that doesn't make this tree any less valuable as the others. This tree holds too many precious memories of Sehun and Luhan. He looked across the rushing river in front of him and wondered what the hell is going on the other side for some reason. If life was still the same there. Is Luhan somewhere out there? He wondered and thought of crossing it to the other side. After a few minutes evaluating, he then crossed out the idea of it. He shook his head, trying to empty his thoughts of the other side.

 

 

Sehun sat by himself on the tree where they used to stay, his thoughts wandered all over. How long has it been since he last saw Luhan? 2 weeks? a month? three months? Sehun shook his head. It hasn't been that long, he tried to convince himself. He wanted to induce himself into believing whim despite the fact that he knows exactly when was the last time he heard from Luhan. And it was precisely 6 months ago to this day. 

 

 

It was a normal day, just like any other. Sehun goes to his classes late, gets scolded from doing so, eats lunch with the boys and spends most of his time with Luhan. He even remembers receiving another one of those love notes Luhan gives him whenever he feels the need to. Sehun smiles as he recalls the note he gave him, saying how dear he is for Luhan and that he couldn't live in this world without him. 

 

 

Luhan's been doing that love-note-and-gift-giving ever since their relationship began. There was no specific time or day when Luhan will give him a love note or a gift of some sort. It was always a surprise and Sehun will not fail everytime he does that. As far as their affiliation goes, Luhan has already gave him a total of 16 notes and gifts. His bequests were always accompanied with a back hug, a sweet kiss and a soft but trusting, "I love you" whispered into his ears.

 

 

Many says that Luhan would make a fine writer, having such sweet bones that sends uncontrollable tingling feeling across your chest does suit an excellent fiction and romance author, but all Luhan wanted is to become a teacher. Sehun can only smile whenever Luhan mentions this ultimate dream of his to become one. After this, he would then insert his plans for both of their futures. Luhan will mention his dream of owning a school for special children and that he will adopt 3 or 4 children for his marriage with Sehun and to live a happy contented life with him. He will then kiss Luhan and whisper another sweet "I love you" to his ears.

 

 

That day was different in a little way though, as Sehun remembered it as it is. Luhan gave him a back hug after receiving his note and a snow ball, with two doves lovingly stays at the bottom of the ball. Their backs were arched into a heart-shape and wings spread beautifully side by side. It was a beautiful gift, he judged. He also remembered the incredible feeling of Luhan's chest against his back, and a statement that barely bothered him then.

 

 

"No matter what I do, no matter what I say, my heart will always love you Sehun." He put Sehun's hand to the left part of his chest and looked him straight to his eyes. "I can't live without you Se, I love you and no one could ever change that. Not even the Gods above." After saying that, Luhan gave him a long, sweet and passionate kiss that remained carved in Sehun's mind and heart up till now.

 

 

After that magical night, Luhan disappeared into thin air. No one, even the boys and some other close friends, knew where he went to. That left Sehun heartbroken and restless. Where could his Luhan be? Why did he left without even saying goodbye? He tried to not think much about it for he convinced himself, until now, Luhan went away for some reasons. Valid reasons. He couldn't possibly leave Sehun permanently, could he? He told Sehun he loves him after all. 

 

 

For hours, weeks, months, he waited for Luhan's return. Sometimes he even envision Luhan walking through the door, across the floor and back into his arms. He imagined Luhan hugging him tightly, tender with love, and whispering words of comfort and apologies. That he will never leave him again, never again. It would feel so much good if it wasn't just what he envisaged.

 

 

Thinking all of those things made Sehun shed a tear. He grasped the nearest tree for support and leaned on it. The sudden wave of emotion overwhelms his being that he could barely control the rush of emotions. He thought visiting the place where he and Luhan hang out would relieve his longing of him. That proved him wrong for it was not relief that dominated his being when he reached the place. It was extreme misery of Luhan's disappearance. He missed him too much. He missed his hugs and kisses, his soft voice saying "I love you" and his touches that send tingling sensations and electricity throughtout his body. Sehun inhaled sharply, suddenly short on breath. Warm tears trickled down his naturally-pale cheeks and he trifled a sob. He knelt down, clutching his chest and mourned his heart out. Thoughts lingering inside his mind. Why did Luhan left? Where did he go and where is he now? Will he still come back to me?

 

 

He stayed there with an endless fall of tears coming from his eyes, wishing and praying infinitely for his love's return. His stiffen chest full of sadness and yearning. He inhaled and exhaled rapidly for his chest tightened into a knot. Sehun was suddenly short of breath and was desperately inhale labouredly. He punches his chest after awhile of discomfort. Sehun suddenly hears his doctor's constant advice not to express too much emotion of happiness or sadness at the same time for it was bad for his heart. He just couldn't help the dejection. He eventually slows down his breath and let it clear for a minute. Reaching into his pocket, he finds his pills intact making him feel relieved. He took it out, poured out some of it's contents and popped it into his mouth. Luhan would've tell him to not overdo himself. He relaxed after taking the pills but the tears just wouldn't stop flowing out of his eyes. He sat there, closing his eyes, watching the sunset across the horizon and wept silently.

 

 

---x