“I don't wanna play this game no more

                                        I don't wanna play it”

Everything was so different from back then, when they were together, it was almost ridiculous how everything had change. They were like strangers, Namsoon was happy, he was school president and he had many friends.

Heungsoo was jealous, so damn jealous of Namsoon living happily, of Namsoon forgetting their lives together, of forgetting him and their love.

He had lived those past three years in regrets, pain and loneliness. He was miserable; he had lived so recklessly because he couldn’t forget the pain nor the love, he couldn’t forgive that the one he only needed by his side had left him, he couldn’t move on and find another love because his love was that great, he knew he would never love like he loves Go Nam Soon.

When he found out the younger was in the same school as him he thought that maybe it was fate, and that they could get back to what they had, but as soon as he entered that classroom and saw the look in his ex-lover’s eyes, he felt anger rise in him, it made him remember the hospital and how much he needed him when the doctors had tell him the condition of his leg and how he would never be able to play soccer again.

He knew Namsoon was feeling sorry but he was also sure that if he hadn’t appeared in that school and if they had live separately Namsoon would eventually forget him and erased him of his memories, because that was happening, the Namsoon in Victory high it wasn’t the Namsoon leader of the gang, it wasn’t that boy back then that didn’t care about anything but his satisfaction and entertaining, he wasn’t his Namsoon, he wasn’t his lover.

So that night when Namsoon had go to the river worried about Heungsoo and was provoked by Oh JungHo to the point the boy had to use his fists to protect him, Heungsoo felt amazed to see the Namsoon he remembered and loved was still there, buried somewhere.

 “You are still alive, Go Namsoon” He had shouted, and the truth was that at that moment he felt alive too, he felt hope.

“Don’t follow me” Heungsoo had said to Namsoon after getting away from the homeroom teacher. He turned around “What to do? You retired but you used your fists again, is nice to live as it’s not you?” but Namsoon didn’t show the reaction he was expecting “Now this is who I am” was his answer and it hurt Heungsoo more than he had anticipated “Is that right?” He could feel his chest hurting and his eyes blazing due to the tears attempting to fall “Then is a guy I don’t know” He could saw Namsoon’s face hardened slightly but he felt no regrets of his words, it wasn’t him that was trying to forget his past, he was the one hurting the one that was still attached to their feelings back then.

He felt betrayed, angry, and disappointed; his leg hurt but his heart was broken. He cried that night, silently so his noona wouldn’t notice him. It had been a long time since the last time he had let out his feelings like that, he knew it was his fault for believing he could get Namsoon back.

The younger boy didn’t stop from giving him surprises, He really is forgetting me Heungsoo had thought when he saw Namsoon with the vice president of the class HaKyung.

He was a gangster to his school, he didn’t ing care but he wanted to end high school and he couldn’t do it if he was getting in trouble because he couldn’t get his feelings straight, and if he couldn’t control due to Go Namsoon. “If I’m a gangster then what are you?” He was angry “Please stop being nice and being sorry” but it didn’t sound gentle at all, he was demanding it “nothing will change by you acting like this” He grabbed Namsoon by the collar even though he didn’t intended to hit him “Just leave saekki -ah”

But then it was confusing Namsoon cared about him and tried to protect him it was pity? Regret? Guilt? Or it was still love? He didn’t know.

Namsoon followed the older home “How many times I have to tell you to stop?”  Heungsoo didn’t turn around “Heungsoo-ah” “I don’t need your pity or your charity” I need your love “I’m sorry Heungsoo–ah” “Stop it I don’t want to hear it” He had tears forming in his eyes and when he turned around he could see Namsoon’s eyes with tears too “You were not there, so don’t tell me now how sorry you feel, it just makes me want to punch you until you stop” until you remember who you are.

FLASHBACK

At that time they were best friends, soul mates, they were a couple. They didn’t care about their surroundings, they were perfect for each other and they knew it. They were always together, in school, at the gang, the ramyon shop, the comic shop, home… that was their world and they loved it.

The first time they had kissed was at Namsoon’s house, they were alone; Namsoon’s dad was out there somewhere, probably in a canteen, drinking. They were fooling around, reading, talking about the gang stuff when the iljjang had started a pillow fight they were hitting each other and in one moment between their laugh and hits Heungsoo had ended pinning Namsoon to the floor to stop him from hitting him too hard.

He look into the other’s eyes, smile in his face, and Heungsoo’s stare move to the plump lips bellow him, he didn’t think about it and kissed the younger, it was more like a peck  but still, it was his first kiss. When he separated their lips to look at the other’s reaction, Namsoon didn’t seem surprise at all, in fact he was smiling and did the last thing Heungsoo had imagine. The younger used his arms to pull Heungsoo closer and kissed him again.

They started like that and it was perfect, too perfect in fact, but now it was all chaos, his feelings, his fears, and Namsoon’s guilt.

, , He felt so angry, seeing Namsoon hurt was heartbreaking for him and the fact that he was hurt because of Heungsoo’s weakness was worst “ I was caught” He couldn’t see him so he went away, he walked slower so the other could catch up with him, he needed to say it, he wanted to know before his heart would really fall apart.

Heungsoo stopped and turned around. He couldn’t look at Namsoon, it hurt too much. The younger leaned on the wall because of the pain in his body. “Now you get hit for me too?” Anger was clear in Heungsoo’s voice “I didn’t get hit that much” the other answered plainly “Didn’t we agree not to do this?” the older scoffed “It didn’t seem to go the way I planned…” “We should have gone together” Did Namsoon think getting hit would make everything go back to normal? It was some kind of penalty? “Just because you are like this my leg will get better? I can play soccer again?” That made Namsoon look his way “Then what should I do? I can’t pretend I don’t know. And it won’t become like it didn’t happen” “Then will you continue being like this?” “I don’t know, I’m going to do whatever I caught in for you saekki-ah! I know I can’t payback regardless of what I do… so I tried to pretend to payback. Me the guy who ruined your leg… the guy who ruined your dreams… Me!” Heungsoo grabbed Namsoon’s collar angrily “Yah saekkie-ah… you should have been like this before…” With tears in his eyes the older shouted “you should have been there. Other than soccer I only had you. When I had to give up soccer and I wanted to die, you should at least have been there you saekki-ah” Heungsoo let out his feelings, the feelings that had been trapped in him for three long years, he was crying and he didn’t care “what I’m saying is… Didn’t you miss me saekki-ah?”

So here is my first chapter! Let me know what you think later neh?? 

Thanks for reading.