Chapter 1

w h i t e l i e

One last letter.

-

Dear Oppa,

How’s life in America? I think it must be beautiful, with Ji Young around. I hope it is; I prayed for your smiles everyday. As for me, everything’s fine, though it still feels strange without you with me in our secret hide-out. If you ever return to Korea, please remember to visit it; things may get a little untidy because I’m never as neat as you are.

But maybe you won’t have time to, because you just held your wedding. Your life would be filled with Ji Young, and probably a child in the near future. Please do; I’m sure he will be beautiful like Ji Young.

I know you’re probably angry at me now, for missing your wedding, but I’m sorry, Oppa; I know I should have congratulated you at your wedding, share all the happiness; excitement; and even tears of joy with you on that day, and not through this letter, but, I’m really sorry;

I know I broke my promise once again;

미안해 정말 미안해

Although I wanted to meet you for the last time, I could not; I really can’t. It’s no longer me who decided, but the God.

And, no, don’t ever blame Ji Young. I was the one who forced her not to tell you that it was me who brought the two of you together; I was the one who forced her not to tell you where I am; and, I was the one who forced her not to bring you to me even when I’m leaving this world, so please do not ever blame Ji Young for anything. If you were to blame anyone, blame it on me and my selfishness. I was the one who decided everything for you.

If you would listen, please forgive me. I’m really sorry for everything. I know it was very selfish of me to bring you and Ji Young together in the past, but do you know how much you mean to her? She told me she can’t live without you and begged me to leave you. We weren’t together –never together- but I know I did feel something for you. But, I know that we can never be together. I know that you wouldn’t want our relationship to develop further than friendship; you will only want me to look upon you as a brother. I’m a strong girl and I know I will be able to take the pain no matter what it is, but she can’t; she is ready to give up everything just to be with you, even if it means her life. If I do not try to forget you, no one will ever feel happy. Forgive me for making this selfish decision without even telling you everything; I’m really sorry.

But I’m glad that I made the right choice because you two looked so blissful together. During the ball, you held her so close as if she belonged to you already. I knew that I was right, right in thinking that you did feel something for her. At the ball, you two looked so beautiful together that I tear. I would never have imagined us so beautiful together… I know, I know that Ji Young is the right one for you; someone whom you can rely on and love for the rest of your life. You will definitely be blessed. But, do not ever tell her that I was there. She doesn’t know anything about this; what she knew all along was, I was sick that day. And, she believed it, even till today. So please do not ever tell her; I don’t want her to cry again, cry for the stupid and foolish me.

Ji Young is never as strong as I am because she always chooses tears to express her melancholy. And, the most I could do for her before I leave is to find her a man whom she can always lean on for support before I leave this world. Oppa, you’re just the right man for her because you’re ever so sensitive to others’ feelings and emotions. Do you know you’re so gentle that not even the slightest tone can be compared to yours? You’re always so afraid to hurt others even with your gentlest tone; so you must be the man for such a fragile girl. Promise me, Oppa, promise me that you will take care of her for the rest of your life and hold her in your warm embrace whenever she cries; please tell me that you would. Only then can I can leave in peace.

During the last few days of my life, I have been thinking if I ever felt blissful in my whole life. Even though I have never been able to find the right man for myself, to protect me and love me, I’m glad that I did help Ji Young find her right man. No one walked me through the last days of my life, but I never felt hollow; I still have memories of you to accompany me. That’s enough, really enough. I’m thankful for everything that god has given me, including you and Ji Young. Both of you are the bestest best friends in the world to me, and you never know how much it means to me. Thank you, Oppa, thank you so much for everything.

Finally, it’s here; it’s time for me to leave. Pain had hung onto me for two years and I can finally leave everything behind. But, never once did I feel sad. I only felt grateful for everything. I’m thankful I once had this everything that no one could ever have. I’m sorry I’m being selfish again, for not telling you the truth. I never wanted to tell you that I might be leaving the world, because I know you will cry. No, I don’t want to see your beautiful eyes crying for me, crying over such a worthless me. I’m not worth your sadness and tears. Promise me, Oppa, promise me that you will never cry over me; if you ever cry, who would be there to wipe your tears away for you, Oppa?

So, please do not ever cry;

울지마 오빠 제발 울지마

Even though I’m leaving this world, I promise never to leave your side; you know I never will. I will always be watching over you from wherever I may and see you through all your tears and smiles. Take care, Oppa. Promise me that you’ll be happy.

Soo Young

T H E E N D