The First Sign of Acceptance I Receive in My First Time in Korea

It took two days after the very…intimate breakthrough, before I got the entire dance perfectly. A part of me doesn’t want to tell Sunbae that I have learned the dance, because once I do I know he’ll give me something even more difficult to master.

Cheondung says I have no choice in telling him.

“Nuna,”Mir says, knocking on my open door. I look up from my hand, where I’ve been painting my nails rainbow colors. I’ve just finished painting my thumb red. Mir smiles at me, flattered that I’m using the nail kit he brought home last week. I didn’t question where he got it or why, just took it, smiled, and filed my nails.

Got to love the dongsengs.

“Ne?”I ask, smiling at him.

“Practice,”he says. Practice. Probably one of the first non-basic words I learned in Korean. A word I’m beginning to hate.

I’m not allowed outside during the day time, so the house has become damned near spotless.Yesterday Seungho asked me where his favorite practice shorts were. And I don’t know if it’s weirder that I knew, or that a second later Mir asked me where his were, as well. And I knew. I weirded myself out.

The boys eat extremely well and have no dirty clothes and spotless floors because I’m just so bored while they go off and do Idol things that I can’t partake in. The managers, Sunbae and everyone else agree that it’s just bad for me to be exposed right now. So I do a total of three things: practice by myself, spend time in the dorm, and occasionally I’m allowed to go to practice with them.

I guess today is one of those days.

“Araso,” I nod, using my palms to move the box off my lap, noting that he seems to glance around my still-bare room for a few moments before leaving.

I can hear mumbling and shuffling throughout the dorm as the boys prepare themselves for the hell they’re about to enter. Despite having the dance down fairly well, much better than I’ve got it, they still practice every day, for at least two hours. From the way they don’t seem energetic or loud or…anything, really, I have a feeling today’s practice will last until the wee hours of the morning, something that hasn’t happened for a while.

It’s only eleven PM now. I might as well bring a small mattress.

Still, I shut my door and yank on black sweatpants, and a hoodie over a tank top, slipping my worn chucks over socked feet. I’ll take off my shoes the second I get to the studio. My whole shoes-in-the-dorm thing sort of weirded the guys out, but we made a compromise of I would take them off most of the time, but I don’t leave me shoes by the door or take them off right by the door. I take them off in my room. I know it’s weird, but it’s just how the boys are. I’m dealing with it.

Anyway, I creep out of my room and into the living room, where the boys are splayed across furniture, patiently awaiting my entry. At the sight of me, they stand and sluggishly begin their exits. “Yah!” G.O. says, “Sing something for us.”

It took me a minute to realize he was talking to me. I groan, I hadn’t sang since my first day here, my mind too focused on dancing, cleaning, and learning Korean to care about much else. “Why?”

Cheondung, in English, as it’s how we usually converse, says,“Because we haven’t heard you sing in a month. Do something in English.”

So as we walk out the dorm and make our way to the van, I sing the first verse to Adele’s “Rolling In The Deep.” The song makes my heart hurt, and I guess I portray that in my singing, as the boys are dead silent for a few moments afterward.

“Ya!”I say, angry, and I stutter out, “I know I’m not that good but…”

Cheondung laughs, “You’re great.”

“Ne,”mutters G.O. Seungho and Mir agree. Joon just nods, smiling.

And then we got into the van. Immediately I’m brought back to a month ago, when I sat in this same seat. Only this time the language isn’t as foreign and my mind not as muddled.

I feel a little more like I belong, now.

Until we walked into the studio. Immediately we all bow at Sunbae, who is here before us, which is abnormal. But then he looks at me, and I feel exactly like the insignificant fangirl I was a month ago. And here I’d been, thinking I had grown a lot since I got here.

“Let’s see how much you’ve progressed,” he says, spreading out his arm, similar to the first time I did this.

This time I don’t stretch. I don’t get sympathetic glance, nor do I look for them. I look at myself in the mirror, ignoring all my surroundings, and I wait for the music. And as it begins it begins to play I get into the song and begin the dance.

“Hana,”I hear Joon’s voice in my head. Feel his body guiding mine through each movement. I do the jerked jump, complete the turn, and finish the song. My entire body is covered in sweat, from nervousness and energy and the heat of the room, but mostly because I threw my entire being into the song, my movements perfect.

And then Sunbae smiled at me. “Good,” he said, smiling.

And then I did the biggest bow I’ve ever down in my life. Because I know without him pushing me, I never would’ve felt so damn good at the end of that song.

Then he turns to the boys, who all seem frozen. Cheondung is smiling, while G.O. and Seungho are open-mouthed, as well as Mir, who is both smiling and open-mouthed. Joon is smirking. Sunbae points to them, and says, in Korean, “She wasn’t perfect. But her performance was captivating. You all need to learn how to do that.”

The nod, bow, and he allows them time to prepare for their long practice. I smile at him one more time, walk over to the speakers that have become my best friend, curl up on my side, face the mirror and watch the reflection of my new family as they practice.

And when Joon gets a chance in the dance, I notice him noticing me watching them in the mirror. And when he spins, and sneaks a glance over at me, I smile brightly.

He winks at me.