My First Real Scolding After My First Real Outing in My First Time in Korea 

“Lucy-yah,”Joon says as we walk into the dorm. “Let’s play a game.”

Already, I’m cautious. Anything involving five Korean guys and a female foreigner and the word “game” cannot end well.

Not like that matters anyway. Because there’s Sunbae.

“Oh!”I hear around the boys, all of us shocked. And, not to forget our manners, we all bow, deeply.

He looks pissed.              

He’s talking quickly, sharply, and not so much as loudly but firmly. But it’s in Korean, and Cheondung keeps mumbling…

“There are people all over begging for your position,” oh, he’s translating. That’s nice of him. “And you all need to recognize that and get your act together. You all trained for five years and have never skipped a day of practice, rehearsals, or schedules in your entire careers. A foreigner starts sleeping in the same dorm and you start slacking? Do you want to throw away your careers? I don’t mind looking for five more village idiots if this is how you’re going to take your work—so jokingly. If you think you’re so great that you can slack of this greatly, I don’t know what you need choreographers, makeup artists, managers, or—“

Oh that’s it. I can’t take this anymore.

“Sunbae,”I say, aware that I’m probably breaking twelve different rules by interrupting him. When I look, I see a fire in his eyes, vicious. But I’ve seen far worse than an Asian guy. “Please don’t punish them. I was complaining about not having anything to do, and they just wanted to shut me up. Living with a foreigner hasn’t been very easy for them, they’ve given up so much for me. Please, I’m the one that should be scolded, not them.”

Sure, it’s a lie. But I think Joon’s lip just quivered. Can’t have my Blaqies crying because they’re so good to me.

Something about Sunbae changes. The fight, the fire, in him isn’t gone, but it’s of a different sort. And it’s all directed towards me.

“Let’s go,” he says after a moment. “Practice. Right now.”

“Ne, Sunbae,” I nod, running to my room to change. The only noise coming from the living room is movement, bags being put down, people getting water, someone stubbing their toe.

And then I walk out my room and into a tuplet of abs.

“Yah!”Joon whispers, drawing my attention to his lips. He grabs me by the shoulders, his hands large on them, and pushes me back to my room, shutting the door.

He starts talking quickly, agitated, and after a moment starts shaking me. Whoa.

“Yah!”I whisper, imitating him. And since apparently we’re trying to confuse one another I say, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m a foreigner! Your words don’t mean jack to me because I can’t understand them. I don’t know what you’re problem is, but can you tell me later, because I’ve got to go deal with a pissed of guy that I consider a father to me.”

By now my hands are on his, and my speech is even and enunciated, despite knowing that he doesn’t understand a word. Damn this language barrier!

His breathing is labored, and I can tell that whatever he wants to tell me means a lot to him, and it’s killing him that we aren’t getting across to one another. After a moment, he leans forward, until we are forehead to forehead. I can feel his warm breath across my face, and it’s strangely comforting. He smells like sweat and boy and cologne. His hair is silk against my skin. His eyes are closed and his nose is almost brushing mine. I can’t breathe, he’s so close.

He swallows, and then, with the cutest accent I’ve ever heard.“Good luck. I’ll wait for you.”

The words every KPop fan would die to hear, right?

If only it weren’t this situation that made him say them. But, really, how bad can the big bad wolf be for him to be freaking out so badly?

I smile, brush my nose against his for a moment, and whisper,“Gomawo.”

And then, before I do anything I’ll regret, I escape his hold, then the room, and then the dorm. I can do this, if only for the words of that beautiful boy.

***

I can do this for Joon.

I will do this for Joon.

I have to do this for Joon.

“Again,”Sunbae says. It’s been six hours. I’ve been up for 20 hours. Everything hurts. Everything is too hot. Everything is wrong and I don’t know what I was thinking when I told Sunbae, in the middle of that hotel, that I could sing and if I could audition.

I don’t even know how many dances I’ve learned. The first four hours were “Throw Away” nonstop. I didn’t have breaks or water or anything. When I passed out, Sunbae gave me a bottle of water, a granola bar, and twenty minutes to breathe. After that it’s become all the dances from MBLAQ’s music videos which, albeit aren’t hard, are killing me.

He hasn’t even looked at me with a different expression besides anger.

But it’s okay. Because Joon’s waiting for me.

As I dance, I notice his expression is changing. He wants to say something.

It takes him another hour to.

“How long have you been dancing?” He asks as the song and I begin again. I don’t even know what song it is anymore. I’m just dancing.

I spare a moment to glance at the clock. “Seven hours, twelve minutes.”

He snorts. “MBLAQ once practiced for twelve. Think you can do that?”

Turn, two, three, four, keep arm back, six seven—

“If I have to.”

He makes a sound. “You’ve had things so easy recently, we were still trying to figure out what we’re going to do with you. I’ll be searching for the next member within the next month. But I will not leave until I think you are as strong as they were as trainees. You need to realize that things will not be easy or simple as they have been for you. You haven’t seen MBLAQ’s full work, because you sleep or clean instead of researching. I should be able to speak in Korean around you at this point—you understand some. You’re surrounded by it all the time and yet I have to speak English. You’ve barely improved in your dancing, you haven’t contacted anyone on your singing, which needs work too, you can’t speak Korean, and you decided to spend your day in a mall? Did you learn anything today, at all?”

Pause six seven eight pop two three four don’t forget the right step six seven…

“From now on, you are going to do nothing but work. MBLAQ once slept for only—”

“Two hours,” I say, not even bothering to catch myself at this point. Damnit, I just don’t care anymore. My body is moving and I am numb, he could punish me until the end of time. “During schedules, they only slept for two hours sometimes.”

He seems to stop, something about him changing. He sighs, walks over to the iPod. The music stops, and so does my body, as though the two are connected. My legs collapse underneath me and everything gives way and all the weight in the air disperses.

In the mirror, I see his shoulders drop. “Don’t lie to me again, ne? I know who decided you all would go out today. I didn’t lie, though: You will work now more than you probably will throughout the rest of your career.”

I nod, once. “I won’t, Sunbae.”

It seems like there’s more to say, but he sees something in my eyes, through the mirror, that makes him stop. Finally, he says, “Make sure you shut everything off when you leave.”

“Ne, Sunbae.”