/fɔːl/ 
preparation for winter; golden years

For many individuals, fall is the most delightful of all seasons. The days are cool and windy, yet warm enough for people to take a walk without heavy clothing. Fall is the transition season between summer and winter, therefore it possesses some of the elements of both. Fall may contain shiny days with warm temperatures, or it might develop into a period of frequent showers and low temperatures. A combination of both with sudden changes is not impossible.

It’s the time when we gather the last of our harvest, as plants give us their crop. Other plants and animals collect nutrients and food to prepare for the harsh winter; deciduous trees turn their leaves into red and orange before dropping and leaving them to their own fate. During fall the nature dies slowly, yet it’s still beautiful.

He feels light-headed when his eyes flick open to the empty darkness that surrounds him from every direction. There’s too many things happening in his head, or maybe there’s nothing going on at all, but either way; he feels dull. He’s gotten used to it by now, but that doesn’t change the fact how terrible it feels everytime. For a minute he wonders what time was it, but the question vanishes as quickly as it appears.  It doesn’t matter, anyway. Or maybe it does.

Dragging his body out of the bed sheets seems harder than it did yesterday. And the day before yesterday, too. He ignores the dizziness and the way his world spins during the first steps he takes. It will go away, is what his will tells him, just hold on a little more. But that’s what he does every single day and honestly; he’s getting tired of it.

He extends his hand and gets a hold of a thick fabric; it’s soft and familiar at touch. The clenched hand jerks to the side abruptly, making the cloth slide to the side. The room lits up by the piercing rays of sun, as if someone swung with a magic stick. The sudden light is too dazzling, it blinds him completely for a couple of moments until his eyes get adjusted to the sudden change – if it was up to him, living in the darkness with minimal lighting would be welcome.

He cringes at the sight that a mirror in his bathroom provides him. Unnaturaly pale skin, sunken eyes and cheekbones, dark circles framing his eyes – not to mention his messy bed hair. He looks in the mirror everyday, yet the reflection never fails to terrify him. Even a long hot shower isn’t much of a help. At least proper clothes – a sky blue polo shirt and light brown linen shorts – make him look a tiny bit better.

His headache got already better when walking down the huge curved stairs decorated with golden details of swirls and flowers. Not that he pays much attention to it. He pays none. But what does catch his attention is voices; one voice to be exact. It‘s not loud, he isn’t able to understand what it’s saying, but he can hear it and actually recognize the owner.

„What’s going on?“

It’s one of his housemaids, Soonkyu, who is standing in front of the main entrance to the house. She’s talking to someone. Her expression seems to be very surprised when she sees him walking towards her direction.

„Mr. Luhan,“ comes out of her pinkish lips, „I thought you were still asleep.“

„It’s okay, I will handle it myself. He’s my guest.“

Soonkyu isn’t completely convinced, even when Luhan gives her one of his reassuring smiles, but she obeys nonetheless and walks away as she was told to. Luhan then glances at the person standing in the door, the latter’s shoes partly covering the Welcome sign on their green doormat. Golden hair and violet orbs.

„Sehun,“ Luhan breathes out with both delight and relief visible in his eyes, Sehun can see it in the way they lit up like two sparkles. That’s probably the only thing that looks alive; Luhan seems tired (not that he doesn’t all the time), his body frame thin and fragile, limbs frail and pale. Sehun tears his gaze off Luhan right away; the latter doesn’t like it when someone studies him more than necessary. Luhan knows he looks terrible, there’s no need for others to keep reminding him, either verbally or non-verbally. 

„Hi, Luhan.“ Sehun says as his arms welcome Luhan in the warm embrace. He plants a kiss in the latter’s hair and laughs softly.  „She didn’t want to let me in, I stood here for like fifteen minutes until you came over. She seemed to be very protective of you.“

That was indeed true. Soonkyu was always concerned and geniunely worried about Luhan, always checking up on him everyday and making sure he took his medicine; only now Sehun got to witness it with his own eyes. Afterall, it was his first time meeting her for more than two minutes.

Luhan’s family is not only wealthy; describing it as filthy rich was more accurate. The livingroom, which Luhan was now leading Sehun through, was as big as his entire flat and it clearly confirmed the statement mentioned before. Posh chandelier made of numerous crystal adornments, sofa and armchairs made of genuine leather, expensive Persian carpet; every single thing in this house screamed luxury. One of the things that Luhan liked about Sehun was how he never seemed to be interested in Luhan’s family fortune. He sure did ask about what Luhan’s parents do, but he never really wanted to know more details, unlike everyone else.

Luhan’s bedroom is very clean and organized. The velvet bedsheets are made perfectly, there’s not a single speck of dust on top of the wooden surfaces, and even the tiniest things seems to have its own place given. Everything’s sterilized, yet Sehun wouldn’t know if he wasn’t told. Becase what lingers in the air is not the smell of antiseptics; it’s lavender.

There’s two types of people; the ones that first notice a significant, royal-looking bed standing in one of the corners or a huge expressionist painting hanging above it. The second type, however, doesn’t search for these superficial objects. When stepping in for the first time, their eyes go to a shelf full of glossy medals and cups, and a nightstand with a heavy book resting on it.

Sehun was the second type.

He makes his steps towards the numerous tiny golden figures captured in movement. Apart from them, there’s another thing that accompanies them. A couple of framed pictures taken at various sport events, matches and championships. The person standing always in the centre, it was indeed Luhan, yet it didn’t look like him at all. Because Luhan doesn’t grin like that anymore, his eyes don’t speak of zest like they did back then. Its twinkle was long gone.

„I used to play soccer years ago.“ Luhan’s voice wasn’t anywhere near sorrowful as one would expect it to be. Instead, he sounded completely calm.

„You look different.“

Because I am different. Everything’s different, is what crosses Luhan’s mind right then. He doesn’t say it out loud but there’s a high probability that Sehun know what he’s been thinking right now.

„I still had hope back then.“

Suddenly as if the room died in heavy silence. And even though Luhan’s face was as indifferent as his voice sounded, Sehun knew that deep down Luhan was still not over it. He only learned how to suppress the aching and replace it with numbness.

Sehun decides it’s just about time to change the topic. Luhan is deep in his thoughts once again, and it’s not doing him any good.

„What is it about?“

He nods in the direction of the nightstand and Luhan knows it’s the book what Sehun means.

„Divine Comedy is its name, an epic poem written by Italian poet Dante Alighiery. It’s kind of complicated, therefore I’ll tell you only briefly.“ A small smile takes over Luhan’s lips as he starts explaining. It might not be his favorite book (in fact he doesn’t read much), but he can relate to its story. In a way.

It’s basically about the author itself, whose lover, Beatrice, passes away. She sends Vergillius to guide Dante through the Hell and Purgatory; she is waiting for him in Paradise in the meantime. The Hell is a place full of cruelty and torment. It’s divided into nine floors, and in which do sinners go after they die depends on the sin they’ve commited. At the very bottom is where the three headed Lucifer stays and eat’s wrongdoers’  flesh alive. Purgatory is portrayed as an island with a moutain located in the centre. This is where sinners redeem their wrongs; they can enter the Paradise after washing the sins away. And Paradise… That’s a place for people who lived their lives dutifully. But mainly it’s Paradise for being able to be together with someone you love.

Sehun nods from time to time to assure Luhan that he’s listening. Throughout the narrating session he especially notices one thing.

„Why do you keep smiling?“

Luhan’s grin gets even wider upon hearing the question.

„Because…“ A dramatic pause. „Just like the butterfly displays your lifetime, so does this book mine. Or at least a part of it.“ No one could possibly miss the way Luhan talked about this poem. He was genuinely interested in the book.

When Luhan was first diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma (which was basically a fancy way to call hypernephroma), he was only in highshool. When it spread along teachers and students, suddenly everyone, even people who he’d never talked to before, started to care. ‚Is there anything I can do for you?‘ ‚Can I carry your bag?‘ ‚Are you okay?‘. Maybe they didn’t realize, but it made him feel much worse. This period of time was dark, full of depression and apprehension.

But then someone stumbled along his daily routine. Someone, whose attitude towards Luhan was 180° different that others’. It was a welcome change. Sehun never insisted on knowing what Luhan’s disease was; as time went by, Luhan told him himself. Sehun never asked if he needed anything; therefore sometimes Luhan would ask himself. Sehun never gave him those pitiful looks; Sehun didn’t pity him at all, and Luhan loved it.

From the third person’s view, one could say Sehun was cold and heartless. But Luhan didn’t care, the most important thing to him was the way he felt with Sehun around. It felt like old times; like if he was only a boy, not different from any other boys out there, yet Sehun could make him feel different at the same time.  Ordinary, but special. It didn’t take long for Luhan to fall in love with the golden-haired boy.

„Before you came into my life, I suffered in Hell. Meeting you was Purgatory.“ A similar triumphal smile is dancing on Luhan’s lips, as the first words come out of his mouth. „You’re my Vergillius, a guide in this cruel reality; you’re my Beatrice, a lover I was trying to reach to. Because right now, I’m in Paradise.“

„Wow, that’s cheesy.“ Sehun laughs and pulls Luhan into his arms. Not that he’s not taking Luhan seriously; in fact, Sehun’s fascinated how everything Luhan said fits in the story. In a way. He kisses the top of Luhan’s head, and the latter shots him a glare.

„Shut up.“

Sehun reacts with a small ‚aw‘ and tightens the hold around Luhan’s slender body. Luhan snorts in response, but doesn’t fight back the latter’s affectionate touches. They end up cuddling on the beedsheets, both of them giggling and stealing little kisses every now and then. There it was: the light-headed feeling, but this time in a good way; his heart beating not only to pump blood; the feeling of being ordinary once again, but speacial at the same time.

It’s a soft knock on the door that disturbs them. They’re not surprised, both expected it coming in any minute. An old man steps into the room, his face warm and friendly. His hand’s clutching a briefcase, and he makes his way towards the two of them slowly. Luhan doesn’t seem to be glad to see him.

„Hi, Luhan. And you are – “

„Sehun, my name’s Sehun. Luhan’s friend.“

„It’s nice to meet you, Sehun. I’m Luhan’s doctor.“ He says, and a teethy smile appears on his wrinkled face. „I’m here to do our regular checkup.“

Sehun must have been completely dump to miss the hints given. He was expected to leave now, and he was aware. Luhan must be in a calm state in order to carry out the checkup properly. Luhan’s mouth escapes an irritated sigh, but exept that he doesn’t say anything. It’s necessary – all of this – and he knows it.

Before Sehun leaves the two alone, the lovers exchange a knowing look.
 

It was kind of odd, but Sehun has never seen Luhan cry or just shed a single tear. If he held them all in or there wasn’t any tears left to shed, Sehun doesn’t know. What Sehun knew was that even when Luhan said he had coped with the fact,  he hasn’t.

Sehun knocks on the embelished heavy door. They didn’t agree on meeting up today, but he decided to visit Luhan anyway. According to what he said, Luhan wasn’t feeling well the day before and Sehun thought he might surprise him a little. 

It took Soonkyu quite long to respond, which wasn’t very common. She was surprised to see him, which wasn’t all that strange as even Luhan didn’t expected Sehun to come. But right now, he couldn’t unsee how worried Soonkyu looked.

Everytime Sehun comes by Luhan’s, the latter always welcomes him warmly, occasionally with enthusiasm. But this time, when Sehun steps into Luhan’s bedroom, there isn’t any of it. It’s filled with darkness as the curtains block all of sunrays; Luhan lying in his bed, apathetic and blunt, his expression blank when meeting with Sehun’s eyes. He breaks the eye-contact without a single change in his face.

Sehun waits for a few seconds until he steps forward, towards the silky curtains, and lights up the room. He doesn’t say anything, not yet. Luhan doesn’t follow him with his eyes, he’s ignoring the latter’s presence as if Sehun wasn’t even there. He flinches slightly when a hand lands on his shoulder. 

„Luhan,“ Sehun calls his name, but as expected, there’s no response. „Talk to me.“

Luhan was completely without mood. He hasn’t left his room since yesterday after going to bed and skipped dinner, according to what Soonkyu told him earlier. And as Sehun could see, he didn’t even bother with stretching out the curtains. All Luhan did since the morning was contemplaiting, with headache as his only company.

„Is this what you do when I’m not around?“ Sehun knew exactly what to say to make Luhan speak. Even if it hurt a little. „You don’t look healthy.“

Just as Sehun finishes his last sentence, Luhan sits up right away and turns to see Sehun’s face directly. His face is covered with pure disbelief and Sehun thinks he might slap him in the face. He doesn’t.  

„Well, maybe it’s because I’m not healthy. I’m ing dying, Sehun!“ Luhan’s angry cry echoes through the room. Both of them fall silent for a couple of moments. There wasn’t much to say, anyway.

„I’m dying.“ Luhan repeats, this time his voice unstable and shaky. „But what can you know about that.“

Sehun wasn’t sure whether that was a hint of bitter smile that crossed Luhan’s face, or if his mind was playing with him. Either way, there was no doubt Luhan was in depression.

„What do I know about dying?“ A small smile forms on Sehun’s lips, though it isn’t appropriate at times like these. „A lot.“

„You don’t. You know you’ll come to this world again, you don’t have to be afraid of what’s after life. You will always find someone, whereas my bones will rot in soil. Your life is so easy, yet you don’t appreciate what you have… You really don’t know anything.“

Sometimes Sehun wonders if it’s feelings that he’s experiencing. Was he capable of loving? Or was he capable of getting angry? Was he even predestined to have feelings in the first place? Maybe not.

The atmosphere tensed up.

„No, Luhan, you don’t know anything.“ The answer makes Luhan wide-eyed, yet Sehun looks  like the last thing he does is care. „Do you think it’s easy to countlessly die and start all over again? Do you think it’s easy to approach someone, when you know that no matter what you do, you’ll lose them eventually? Do you, Luhan?“

He doesn’t raise his voice nor he doesn’t sound reproachful. Just like always, Sehun’s words are calm and stable. Maybe more than it should be in times like these.   

 „No, Luhan, you don’t.“

Luhan was speechless. There was so much going on in his mind, yet he couldn’t find any words to say out loud. Maybe because of the fact that Sehun seemed so perfectly serene. Or maybe because what he said was, afterall, nothing but the truth. Luhan’s eyes were stinking, throat and chest clenching. Everything turned into in a big blur – he couldn’t see Sehun – but Sehun could see him. There were tears in Luhan’s eyes that threatened to spill. And they did.  The flawless facade of Luhan broke.

This was a strange moment for both of them.

Sehun has seen a lot of people cry – in fact, he was the one who caused it, and this time it wasn’t any different. Yet there was this little difference, the little difference that was able to change the whole situation. One would say Sehun must’ve gotten used to it, but this experience was so new and so unexpected. Because unlike others, Luhan has never shed a single tear in front of him. Ever.

Luhan hasn’t been crying for so long, he almost forgot how does it feel. How does it feel to release everything you’ve been holding inside for so long. How does it feel to stop pretending and show your weak self. No words could describe how tired he was from all of this. His nose was running, throat aching, eyes swollen from all the crying, yet it was more than relieving.

Yet there was another reason to Luhan’s tears. They were not caused by the terrible headache that slowly attacked him, nor the reason was guiltiness in his guts for being too selfish. Luhan cried for both of them, for their miserable lives that they could not change. No options, no hopes, only one possible ending.

„May I come in?“

It was a gloomy rainy day, possibly the best spirit for poets to catch up some muse and create a melancholic poem about broken hearts and unfulfilled dreams. Everything seemed to loose its color, even Luhan felt paler. And also weaker.

„Would you perhaps leave if I told you ‚no‘?“

The door let out a creak sound before they completely open. A golden haired boy with violet orbs stood behind them, a grin spread across his face. Luhan’s eyes lit up like a paper catching on fire, grinning even wider that the latter.

„Oh please, like if you wanted me to leave.“ Sehun teased as he walked to Luhan, who’s been lying in the bed, reading the Divine Comedy. He gave Sehun a glare, which resulted into both of them laughing.

They don’t do much. Both of of them cuddle under the warm silky sheets in silence. It is comfortable though, only the sound of clock ticking and rain hitting the window being heard, occasionally a word or two slipping out of their mouths. The weather outside doesn’t offer anything else, anyway.

„Do you want me to share a secret with you?“

Sehun asks meanwhile playing with Luhan’s hair; his voice soft and quiet, as if he thought that Luhan fell asleep already. What he says is quite funny, according to what Luhan thinks, because there’s plenty of secrets that Sehun hides for sure. And finally, he will get to know one.

„Which one?“

„There’s this Indian legend…“ Sehun puts on a mysterious smile as a reaction to Luhan’s sudden interest. „If you desire a wish to come true, whisper it to a butterfly. Since it can make no sound, it won’t get revealed. In gratitude for giving the butterfly its freedom, the wish will be taken to the heavens and be granted.“

It wasn’t a that much of a secret, but during Sehun’s talk, Luhan had one exact wish on his mind. There was only one real-time problem.

 „That’s nice, but where do I get a butterfly now?“

And Sehun’s mysterious smile came to light again. Without a single word, he got up from the bed and walked towards his backpack. The sudden loss of wramth made Luhan almost whine in disagreement, but everything got forgotten the moment he saw what Sehun pulled out of his rucksack.  

A glass container and a black butterfly in it.

When Luhan receives the container in his hands, he can’t help but feel fascinated by it. Just like the first time. He orders Sehun to turn away  so he can have some privacy when confessing his wish, to which Sehun replies with a snort.

„My wish doesn’t stand a chance to be granted.“ Is the first thing Luhan says, clearly after he’s done with the butterfly confession. It doesn’t sound sad nor cheerful, just reconciled.

„No, it doesn’t.“

The two of them exchange tiny bitter smiles before slipping under the blankets once again. Luhan’s wish will not be granted, they won’t meet again after Sehun leaves. Because Sehun’s buttefly will never have a chance to fly out of the container and take it to the heavens.

Now, when Luhan cries, Sehun’s there to take him in the arms and wipe the tears away. It’s hard to know that Sehun won’t be there to do so later, that he won’t be present during his last moments. Each morning it gets tiny bit harder, but until it’s bearable, Luhan tries to have the best of it.   

During fall the nature dies slowly, yet it’s still beautiful.