/ˈsə-mər/
the rays of sun dissolve all shadows in the life; maturity


 

Can you feel the intense rays of sun caressing your skin? See the flowers blooming into variegated blossom, animals relaxing under the blue sky? Greet the summer –  time when axis is titled towards the Sun, season of iced lemonade and late night dips. Plants reach their maximum growth, migratory birds come back to their homeland. Nature gains various colors, as if a child colored it with diversity of crayons. Summer we say is hot; but that is not entirely true. Thunder-showers occur with fair frequency, and refreshing rainpours likewise break the monotony of continuous heat. Periods of excessively hot days appear, too.

Summer, as we often think, is not always a season of settled weather. But it is the warmest for sure.

The room is almost empty; sounds of shoes scuffing agains the wooden floor, heavy breaths and loud rytmic music can be heard. The air inside is stuffy and stifling. One person is in there, moving his body to the beat as if it was the most natural thing that existed. His shadow and reflextion are his only company. It’s moving in sync in the huge mirrors with the boy’s figure. His skin glistens with droplets of sweat, strands of hair wet and sticky, but even so, the boy looks bewitching. His limbs move to the beat ever so smoothly, and it makes the latter realize – a lot of people know how to dance, but only a few can make it into this —  an art.

The music stops suddenly, and before he gets the chance to find out the reason, a familiar voice reaches his eardrum.

“Sehun?”

When Sehun meets the latter’s eyes, a discreet smile spreads across his face. There he is, wearing sweatpans and a plain tank top, all messy and breathless, yet Sehun still finds the other looking unbelieveably attractive. He gives Sehun an explonation demanding look; he doesn’t like being disturbed while dancing. Maybe Sehun wasn’t as inconspicuous as he thought he was.

“Hi Jongin,” he says just like usually, and steps inside the room through open door. Jongin raises both of his eyebrows in response. “What? It’s not like I’ve never seen you dance before.”

True, Jongin makes a note in his head and finally breaks the eye contact. He turns around and walks towards the wooden cabinet with many cables and music apparatus inside. His hand snatches a plastic bottle standing on the top of it, unscrews the lid and brings it to his lips. Sehun can’t see the water level in it decreasing, but what he can see is Jongin’s adam apple moving up and down.

Jongin would be lying, if he said he wasn’t happy to see Sehun. Not that they didn’t meet much often, they did, but if Jongin remembered well, they did not agree on today. But for some unknown reason, Sehun just stopped by. It doesn’t concern him much, in fact the latter does that from time to time. When Jongin throws the empty bottle to the bin, he sees Sehun standing at the same spot, not even blinking once. Before he though it was kind of odd, the stare and attitude and all, but now it appears rather… well, Sehun-like. He’s gotten used to it by now, maybe too much for his liking. Jongin walks over and finally shots the other boy a teethy smile.

“What’s up?”

Sehun only shrugs. He doesn’t have any particular reason, anyway. “I was bored at home.”

Jongin laughts in response. That’s what Sehun always says, apart from ‘I felt lonely’. Whenever he says that sentence, Jongin isn’t sure whether he’s joking or being serious. Because even after those months spent together, sometimes he doesn’t feel even close to knowing Sehun. And by this he doesn’t mean Sehun being a spirit, phantom or whatever (which he by the way still doesn’t understand, but he doesn’t understand a lot of things, anyway). He feels so close to Sehun, but he doesn’t know if Sehun feels at least a little close to him. Even when Sehun smiles and laughs, cracks a joke or two, Jongin doesn’t know what really makes the latter happy. And the other way round, he doesn’t know what makes Sehun sometimes look so downcast.

“Clearly, but I must study today. It’s almost end of the term, you know.” Jongin responds with an apology written in his expression. “But… Maybe you could come along to the library?”

That’s what Jongin always does; bring Sehun along even when having another stuff to do. It’s became a habbit already. He doesn’t like turning Sehun down, the more when Sehun only rarely asks for something, and Jongin doesn’t have the heart to say no. Perhaps because he’s never heard Sehun talking about or seen him hanging out with anyone else than him.

They sit at a table, which is sufficiently lit by the sun, and it’s quiet between the two. It’s a library afterall, being noisy isn’t allowed. The overall atmosphere was calm, the smell of both new and old paper lingered in the air. They don’t talk, but the presence of one another is just enough. Jongin’s nose is buried in loads of textbooks, his facial expression seems to be very concentrated and focused. Sehun, on the other hand, is just distracted with countless number of books that lay in dust around. Some of the titles catches his attention, some of them he forgets right away, but he doesn’t actually read any of them. None of them relates to the real life, or at least his life. 

After some time Sehun sits down on a spot across Jongin’s and only observes. His head really looks like it’s about to explode with the amout of information it’s absorbed. Jongin was the type of person being always cool and up to any kind of fun. Sehun remembers their first meeting; it took him a lot of time and effort to make Jongin believe that he was not wearing any colored contact lenses. Also when Jongin learned about Sehun’s genesis, the only thing he said was ‘weird but cool’. Jongin didn’t seem to care less. Sehun laughts slightly at the view in front of him, and Jongin sights heavily, frustrated. 

“You wouldn’t be laughing if you knew what nonsense I am forced to learn! I’m a dancer, not a mathematician.”

“Oh really. Tell me more about it.”

Jongin makes a face at him, and Sehun chuckles. He snatches the opened textbook in front of Jongin, his eyes scanning through the pages. Mathematics, indeed it was. Not that Sehun was all illiterate and ignorant, definitely not. He might have not received any kind of education as far as he remembers, but despite that he has a lot of knowledge. Because he has lived for so long, maybe. 

So called golden ratio is what he was learning, which is not – as Jongin called it – nonsense. Golder ration aka number phi was a ratio, which could be found everywhere in the world. In a shell of a nautilus, musical instruments, Pantheon in Greece, human’s body or wings of a butterfly. If you divide the two lengths, for example bones humerus and radius, or the height and width of a credit card, you always get  the same number. Number phi. Jongin’s mouth hangs open when Sehun explains.

“How do you know all of this?”

Sehun only shrugs. “I know a lot of things.”

They walk towards Jongin’s place later that day, having silly conversations about everything and anything. It’s Jongin who talks throughout the majority of time, but Sehun is willing to listen. He likes it more that way, anyway. Though it’s evening already, the light is still there. It’s summer, afterall. The days prolongs and other way round, nights get suppressed. At this time, there’s a lot of people around usually, but in this neighbourhood there’s only a few. Sehun and Jongin stop in front of a huge, decrepit looking building. Its garden is huge, too, surrounded by a metal fance. A couple of neglected trees are towering above the yellowish straws of grass. It gives off an unpleasant vibe.

When Sehun suggested walking Jongin home for the very first time, Jongin seemed to be very unsure and unfomfortable about the idea. But after seeing that Sehun wasn’t anywhere near to giving up, he agreed (with a loud heavy sigh, but agreed). Sehun remembers Jongin being very nervous and quiet during the walk, as if he contamplated whether he decided well or not. Jongin wasn’t aware, but Sehun already knew. 

Jongin pulls keys out of his pant’s pocket. Everyone who reaches adult age and still decide to stay can get a copy, that’s what he once told Sehun. Jongin inserts one of the keys inside the rusty lock and unlocks it with a twist in a clockwise direction. He opens the gate and it gives out a terrible creak sound, which is Jongin used to already, and which makes Sehun scowl slightly. Sehun remembers Jongin being very ashamed when he first brought Sehun along. They’re facing each other now, and it’s awkward. It’s always awkward whenever it’s time to part, or at least Jongin feels so. He’s never sure of how to say goodbye properly. But as he contemplates, there’s another thing that runs up to his mind.

“Sehun,” he says out of nowhere, and Sehun waits for the rest that the latter has to say. Jongin tries his best not to sound insecure. “You know, I’ll be having summer holiday starting from July… I’ve saved some money and I though that maybe… Maybe we could go camping or something?”

A couple of moments have already passed, and there still hasn’t been any answer. Each second made Jongin more and more regretful towards his decision to suggest such a thing. Maybe Sehun didn’t want to spend days and nights with Jongin around. Maybe Jongin was too clingy to Sehun’s liking. Maybe—

“Why not. Sounds like fun.”

 As he hears this, Jongin releases the breath he didn’t know he was holding. He said yes; the words repeating in his head over and over again , his heart pounding like crazy agains his chest. He’s so happy and he doesn’t know what he’s doing, so when Jongin finds his arms clasping Sehun’s waist tightly, it doesn’t make him embarrassed at the slightest. What more, Sehun hugs him back. When Jongin finally pulls away, his eyes are twinkling; Sehun can see that.

After Jongin leaves with an oh so bright smile, Sehun’s eyes travel up the old building, to its sign to be exact.

It says St. Mary’s Orphanage.

In the middle of wilderness, far away from any trace of civilization; Sehun feels good. Only trees and bushes as far as one’s eye could reach; the whistling of songbirds and sound of flowing water pleasing his ears; the smell of flower blooms and tree bark tickling his nose. There’s one thing that both disturbs and completes this flawless bliss.

Jongin.

Jongin, who keeps mumbling angrily and fights with the tent for a while now. From Sehun’s perspective, it’s a very funny sight to look at; Jongin lost and tangled in the not-so-many parts of the tent. It doesn’t even look that complicated. The tent is relatively small, designated for two people only, yet Jongin looks like he’s conducting the battle of his life. Sehun laughs.

“Come here and try it yourself!”

Hearing Jongin snap, Sehun laughs some more and then gets up from the portable fabric chair they brought along. That’s when he learns that building up this stupid little tent isn’t as easy as it seems. Many flexible sticks, which serve as a frame, a lot of pegs and countless holes of different sizes. Suddenly Sehun isn’t sure whether this was a simple tent or an extremely difficult brain teaser. Jongin already went for the second option. It’s because he’s never done anything like that, Jongin concludes in his head and refuses any other clarification.  But there’s some possitive things about it. It’s fun doing this horrible puzzle with Sehun; they’re more likely playing around rather than trying hard to build it up; the way Sehun laughs whenever one of the flexible sticks flicks Jongin in the face, or when they think it’s finally done only to see the tent collapse the following second. For once, Sehun looks entirely happy. But Jongin knows he only looks so, and he has a terrible urge to ask why.

It’s already evening when they finally finish building up their temporary dwelling. Sehun and Jongin sit on a thick log in front of a small fire pit, having instant noodles for dinner because both of them are terrible cooks. Bringing the portable stove and a mini gas bomb was rather pointless (apart from using it for boiling the water), the two figured out. Well, too late. It’s warm outside, but Jongin still insisted on building a fire pit. It’s his first time camping, but since he was a kid he always imagined that a fire pit was a must in such occasions. Before, Jongin didn’t have anyone to go with – but now, there’s Sehun.

“You know, I always wondered… The butterfly you keep at home, what is it?”

Jongin always sees it when he visits Sehun, but not once does he see it with a flower or any kind of feed that butterflies could consume. In fact, everytime he sees it, there’s really nothing except the butterfly itself. But how come it could survive for so long? Jongin might not be a genius, but too, he’s not that stupid to think that butterflies could photosynthesize.

Sehun smiles in response. “It’s quite hard to describe, even I don’t fully understand it. Perhaps I could say it displays my lifetime, I guess?”

Jongin is aware of the fact that Sehun won’t stay with him forever (just like he’s aware of many other facts about Sehun), but this is just confusing. “How is your lifetime?”

“Like an infinitely long spiral, which can be limited. Like a snowflake’s limited surface area enclosed with an infinitely long line.”

“Wait, isn’t that an oxymoron?”

Sehun doesn’t response, but Jongin can guess the answer by the way Sehun smiles. It is, and it makes no sense.

The next few days flow in a blink of an eye. Even if there’s basically nothing around, Jongin still thinks these might be best days of his life so far. The reason behind it all might be Sehun’s presence, Jongin does take that in consideration. He also notices his heart pace picking up speed rapidly whenever Sehun’s hand accidentally brushes against his own; when he gets a glimpse of Sehun’s torso in the mornings; when the violet orbs stare at him whenever they talk; when they’re wrapped up in the sleeping bags at night and he sees Sehun’s peaceful sleeping face. It’s beautiful and he doesn’t question himself. It’s both scary and soothing, the fact that Jongin has became so intimate with Sehun in such a short period of time. But he doesn’t mind – in fact, he’s glad.

“Jongin?”

There it is again, his heart hammering agains the rib cage vigorously. Jongin thinks he might have gone crazy. But it feels rather pleasant than bothersome.

“Hm?”

“Wanna go for a swim?”

Jongin scowls slightly. It’s their last day before leave, the things hasn’t been fully packed, and he doesn’t know why did Sehun suggest this, when all they did yesterday afternoon was swimming.

“My swimwear still hasn’t dried out yet. And it won’t definitely dry out until tomorrow if I swim in them today.” 

“Who needs swimwear, anyway.”

Sehun laughs at his own funny remark, but Jongin, for some unknown reason, doesn’t. It’s true that they haven’t seen a soul since their arrival here, and the water’s temperature is undoubtedly high enough but when Jongin imagines seeing Sehun – no. Just no. Jongin closes his eyes shut and shakes his head like mad to suppress the inappropriate thoughts, but there’s no use. His heartbeat is so loud and fast, it makes him wonder if Sehun can actually hear it, too.

What unsettles him even more is seeing Sehun strip for real, the milky skin glow blinding Jongin’s sight. Wasn’t that a joke, what Sehun said? crossed Jongin’s mind as he observed the latter, all stunned. Though he really really wants to, and he knows he should, he can’t tear his eyes off Sehun. Slim waist, broad shoulders, prominent collar bones—

“What’s the deal? Don’t tell me you’re shy,” Sehun’s nudging pulls Jongin back to the reality. He hastily turns around, his back facing Sehun, face and ears flushed with deep crimson. Jongin doesn’t know what to do. What can he do, what should he do. “And I thought you were the fun one.”

The next thing Jongin hears is a splash sound nearby, and he knows it’s Sehun jumping into the water. Jongin stays still; he hears water splashing, Sehun’s giggles, and when he’s about to run and hide in their tent, Sehun shouts at him. Oh, come on Jongin, is what he says, don’t be silly. It starts off an inner fight inside Jongin’s being. He doesn’t want to swim with Sehun, he isn’t even sure whether he can manage to do so; in all of the sudden, he feels somehow shy. And Jongin is never shy, never. But, on the other hand, he wants to; he wants to see more of Sehun’s perfect body and he knows it’s  crazy, but it is just how it is.

When Sehun sees Jongin turn around and walk towards his direction, a grin spreads across his face. Jongin is slow, dragging his body in a speed of turtle; he’s taking his time, probably trying to calm himself down. He’s even slower with taking off his pieces of his clothing. Jongin’s body was well built, masculine but not too much, arms looking all strong and protective-like – it was a nice sight to look at; he was a dancer, afterall. Jongin had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, yet there he was; telling Sehun not to look. Sehun only laughs, but he does turn around in the end, leaving the latter some privacy. He thinks is quite cute, Jongin’s awkwardness.

Finally, Sehun hears and feels Jongin enter the water. It’s refreshing after being burnt by sun the whole noon, Jongin makes a note. He literally stops breathing when Sehun appears in his sight; water dripping from the wet strands of his hair, skin covered with countless droplets of water – he saw all of that yesterday already, but this time it’s different. Because yesterday they were not . It’s stupid, and Jongin knows it. What seems even more stupid, is that Jongin slowly but surely realises that there might be more to his fascination towards Sehun. Does he know from the way his heart reacts; the way his breath hitches; the way he feels butterflies in the stomach? All of that, probably. 

He could have been wandering in his thoughts like this forever, if it wasn’t for the unexpected water splash. And Jongin didn’t need to guess the culprit twice. His sight was temporarily blinded by the liquid – all he heard was Sehun’s giggle – and it took him a while until being fully recovered from the sudden water attack. When his eyes spotted Sehun, the latter was swimming away from Jongin, already having a good distance of lead. Jongin can’t help but to chase after Sehun, having his sweet revenge. Sometimes, he’s just that childish. He eventually forgets about being shy, awkward, embarrassed; but his hearts never fails to pick up pace whenever Sehun leans in so near that Jongin can feel his breath, whenever Sehun’s skin brushes agains his and makes his skin tingle.

They’re sitting on the same log in front of the same fire pit, mugs of hot tea in their hands. Both of them stare quietly at the sizzling flames of fire; they don’t talk but none of them mind; it’s comfortable. They’re deep in their thoughts and a little tired from swimming and messing around, too. The sun sets slowly; sound of wood crackling and crikets stridulate hangs in the air.

“We’re coming back tomorrow.” Sehun lets out an innocent remark.

Jongin shrugs. “Nobody waits for me home, anyway.” His eyes move to the sun setting behind a horizont. He stares at it for a while, focused but not really focused at the same time, and it makes him say more. “This might sound a little weird, but what I feel is that the sunrise doesn’t happen; I mean… Even if the sun rises, it does not for me.”

Sehun isn’t taken aback by Jongin’s sudden confession; he knows it has a deeper meaning. Because Jongin, who always smiled, laughed and cracked jokes, was deep inside just a boy with many wounds and scars. That’s one of the things Sehun admired; Jongin being all cool despite the cruel reality he was living in. He doesn’t really know what to respond, and as if Jongin could read his mind, he continues on speaking.

“Sometimes I feel like nobody cares, either. I feel lonely.”

I feel lonely. Those three words sounded so different, when the person who said them wasn’t Sehun. As Jongin says it, a slight smile apprears on his face, and Sehun can’t decide whether it’s sad or bitter. Both, maybe. I care is what’s on Sehun’s tip of the tongue, and his feet feels so itchy to say it out loud. He doesn’t. Instead, what he does is slowly approach Jongin’s face with his own, his violet orbs staring straight at Jongin’s; the latter knows what’s he’s up to, and he doesn’t dodge it. When their lips finally meet, it’s tender, somehow electrifying. Sehun’s lips feel soft, last bits of lemon tea taste lingering – for Jongin, kissing Sehun feels more than natural. It makes butterflies in his stomach go wild and right now, he doesn’t know anything but one thing; he wants this.

They don’t stop kissing until there’s dearth of oxygen in their lungs. When they part, Jongin’s lips are swollen and from what he sees, so are Sehun’s. Jongin is confused, his brain is slow with processing what just happened and, more importantly, why did it happen. He has so many questions on his chest, but he’s not sure if he wants to get them off right now. Sehun, on the other hand, looks calm and balanced. His breathtaking eyes and the crimson red sky makes Jongin think that this might be the most romantic kiss he has ever shared.  

The second time they kiss is a minute later; Jongin being the instigator, because he wants more of this. Like two pieces of puzzle, a key and a lock; those were few ways how to describe their compatability. Different, but fitting each other. Sehun isn’t surprised when he feels Jongin’s hand roaming over his nape. He isn’t surprised, when they go lower, to his chest and belly. But Jongin is surprised when he feels Sehun touch his body. Surprised at how good it feels, how it makes him crave for more.

The next sequence is a big blur. All he remembers is the clumsy move from the fire pit to their tent, hasty removal of clothes and small kisses and giggles throughout the whole time. A moment he remembers to every detail is when he sees Sehun lying underneath him, all and flushed, and a brief thought crosses his mind. Beautiful. He saw it back then, he sees it now. Every Sehun’s touch burns his skin, makes him go on fire, every gasp and moan that escape his mouth sounds like a sweet melody to Jongin’s ears; they become one that night.

Jongin found his happiness, not eternal, but happiness nevertheless. What he learns is that one’s first love isn’t always the first person you kiss, or the first person you date. First love is the person you will always compare everyone to. The person that you will never truly get over, even after convincing yourself you’ve moved on.

The next morning the sun rised.

Summer, as we often think, is not always a season of settled weather. But it is the warmest for sure.