⌚ 23. 18—look me in the eye and tell me you love me x chanbaek

in retrospect, chanyeol does not know where things went wrong.

but maybe there was no real beginning to it. maybe it was something that just—happened. and kept on happening and happening and happening.

maybe there was no stopping it.

chanyeol stares at baekhyun from across the room and thinks that cannot be. chanyeol sees baekhyun, baekhyun who is looking back at him but not seeing him and he thinks, this cannot be.

chanyeol cannot exist in a world where they are apart.

baekhyun swallows. chanyeol hears it from across the room. the front door shuts with a soft click that much too quickly fades into a suffocating silence. the clock ticks. the seconds pass. it’s late—much too late. it’s dim, the both of them just a collection of the shadows casted by the soft light of the lamp. outside, there is a storm; a flash of lightning drowns them in white light for a second.

chanyeol stares at baekhyun from across the room. chanyeol sees baekhyun, baekhyun who is looking back at him with eyes that no longer love him.

the thunder reverberates around the house.

chanyeol thinks this cannot be.

this cannot be—they’d promised each other everything.

they’d given each other everything.

chanyeol does not know where things went wrong.

he does not know how things could go wrong. it seemed impossible. when chanyeol first woke up with baekhyun in his bed, baekhyun’s hair in his face, baekhyun’s skin against his skin, it seemed impossible. when baekhyun scratched the skin of his back and shamelessly left marks for chanyeol to hide, it seemed impossible. when he tore his eyes off the tv for a few seconds to wink at chanyeol while he did the dishes, it seemed impossible.

it was impossible.

but here he is now, bashful and ashamed and guilty. here he is now, sneaking back home, late into the night. here he is now, staring back at chanyeol and he knows chanyeol knows and he does not say anything.

chanyeol’s not sure he wants him to say anything. what would he want to hear anyway? (there was no point in lying anymore.)

chanyeol stares at baekhyun and thinks this cannot be. chanyeol stares at him and he is hurt because he still loves baekhyun and how is that fair? how come baekhyun gets to fall in love with someone else, how come he gets to be fine? it hurts. chanyeol wants to vomit.

he thinks this is how their seven years end and he wants to vomit.

this is the end, isn’t it?

baekhyun parts his chapped lips to speak, takes the breath before his first syllable, and the lightning flashes again. he flinches. the thunder follows a few seconds later, loud and angry like the sound of baekhyun’s back colliding with the front door.

chanyeol has baekhyun’s face in his hands, fingers digging into his hair and neck, thumbs tracing his the line of his jaw before moving over his lips. chanyeol is so close, so strong, so angry, so sudden that baekhyun has to catch his breath. chanyeol’s breath fans over his cheek.

any other time baekhyun would already be desperately grabbing at chanyeol, feeling like he could never get close enough. there had always been an erratic rhythm between them, ungraceful and careless.

but now chanyeol kisses baekhyun, kisses him like he still loves him and he does and baekhyun feels it. chanyeol kisses him, lips moving, probing, begging. his eyes are shut, his eyebrows furrowed, his fingers massaging into baekhyun’s scalp because he knows he likes it. chanyeol kisses him.

and baekhyun doesn’t kiss back. the truth is chanyeol had lost before he even realized he needed to fight.

in retrospect, chanyeol does not know where things went wrong.

maybe losing baekhyun was just something that was bound to happen. it wasn’t going to be, “I lost baekhyun because,” it was just “I lost baekhyun.” period.

and maybe there wasn’t a real beginning to it.

but if there wasn’t a beginning, how could there be an end?

chanyeol pulls back and stares at baekhyun, and it is so much clearer up close. baekhyun does not love him anymore. it is something that just happened. and chanyeol thinks, this cannot be.