It’s been 2 years since we debuted. And more than 2 years since I first saw you and lost my heart to you. The days when you were In China for your part of the promotion was really hard for me.  I had to wait till your schedule ends for me to call or even to just send a message. You were too far.

But I was able to endure it because I know this was for our dreams, a wish that both our hearts have in common. I remember one host asking me why I would automatically brighten up with just a mention of your name, Of course I can’t say the real reason, that I have loved you from the deepest part of my heart. And I survived all those sleepless nights because of that sole reason.

I miss you.

I thought we had it. I thought you felt the same way. Our old closeness gradually became a part of the past. We drifted apart. Our conversation became an exchange of small talks unlike before. Maybe it was because of we got too much of each other when we started promoting as 12. Maybe because we realized the difference in our maturity level. You were the only one who drifted away. I stayed. I stayed as I watched you turn your back an walk away. I’m afraid I don’t have the courage to do the same. I don’t have the courage to leave everything behind. So I’ll just wait here, wait if you’ll return.

But as each day passes by, It’s getting harder. Seeing you with another person hurts. Seeing you do the things we did together hurt like a thousand knives stabbed me. It hurts so much that sometimes I want to let go and move on but my heart would always stop me.

You’re so close yet so far.

I still hold on to our memories. The times when we’d go to the bubble tea stall, the times when we’d hug each other after not seeing each other for a long time. All those memories is what keeps me sane, keeps my heart beating.

But memories expire too. Someday I’ll forget them and you won’t be there to replace them with new ones. You won’t be beside me anymore.

I know you’ll never be able to read this. I’ll be hiding it together with my feelings for you. I’ll wait quietly, pretending everything’s okay. I know it was my fault for falling in love, it’s my fault for keeping my hopes up but I’ll never regret loving you. That short amount of time we had together was the happiest point in my life. I know we weren’t meant to be together, but my heart will hold on to you until I learn how to let go.

I love you Hyung. I hope you are happy with him.

Oh Sehun

12-31-13