화음
Always Not Me
"Let's make this easier on both of us."
I turned around to face Jinyoung as soon as we were outside the academy building.
"Obviously you can't stand being near me, so you do yours, I do mine, we'll just say we did it together."
I summed it all up-
It sounded like a win-win situation.
"Do you really want that much attention? You just go assuming right on, making bad judgements about people, don't you? It's supposed to be 3 scores of music. Who's going to do the extra?"
He hissed, coldly pointing out my poorly percieved personality.
"Rock paper scissors?"
I suggested, totally ignoring his poisonous tone.
I seriously could care less about him and Sunwoo's unbreakable friendship and his fling with Heejung.
I needed to get this done.
"No. You heard ssem. It's teamwork. What the hell are you going to earn from splitting up with rock paper scissors?"
Jinyoung sighed irritably.
"Fine."
I huffed.
"I don't have time except weekdays, so I have my night schedule to cram in the project in the practice room."
I explained my side of time limits.
"What do you do on weekends? Text boys all day? Wow you're busy."
He sarcastically snickered, trying to get on my last nerve.
I was very offended.
"Oh so who's assuming now?"
I snapped back.
"I actually work, unlike your paid-for rich ."
I sarcastically smiled right back.
"Where do you work?"
He asked through clenched teeth.
"Star Kareoke bar."
I answered, shrugging lightly.
"On weekends?! Do you have a death wish?!"
He sounded alarmed.
"What?"
I asked, confused.
"That place is swarming with drunken men and drug trades! What are you doing?!"
He looked more surprised than ever.
Huh. I thought he would have flat-out thought I was a e or something.
Star Kareoke was created more for boys than girls, since Kareoke wasn't all the popular with men.
My sunbae's parents set up the place as a hang-out place for teens and adults, and the intention came off as a bad reputation due to over-protective parents.
"My sunbae introduced me there, I work for fun, and there are no drug-trading in there."
I clarified-
Why would I choose to work at a dangerous place?
"What shift?"
He asked, more calmly this time.
"Friday 7-11, Saturday 8-2AM"
I answered.
"Why would you work night shifts? Don't you have parents?"
Jinyoung asked, sincere about the question.
"How else would I pay for ths academy class sessions? They aren't so thrilled to send me to become an actress. I earn my keep, and this is my dream to keep."
I explained.
He seemed to understand, and his eyes softened.
"Do you get any breaks?"
He slid his hands in his pockets.
"Not really. Weekend nights are always busy, so no."
I replied, looking at the setting sun.
"Weekdays after lesson classes and... How about now?"
Jinyoung asked.
I was a bit surprised-
I didn't think he'd be so eager to finish this project, especially when the least person he wanted face was me.
Umma and Appa didn't come home until later around 11-12 at night, so I did have free time right now.
I usually used this time to practice or study.
"I'm free till 7."
I answered.
So we agreed to work on it right now at my place.
The weird part is, I didn't say no.
There were multiple excuses I could have created-
Stresseful parents, strict inviting rules, or even an unorganized home could have been a legitimate excuse to drive Jinyoung away from my personal place.
But in a way, I was gladly inviting him to my innermost personality.
To remind both myself and Jinyoung of our current staus, I spoke first as we took the back pathway to my home, just like when he walked me home the first day.
"How are you and Heejung?"
He wouldn't mind, right?
It only clarified his feelings, and mine didn't even matter anymore.
"Yeah I've been talking to her, but I'm not sure what she thinks of me."
Jinyoung shrugged, trying to keep the answer simple.
He did ask me to be his wingman, and I agreed.
As long as we were fine with each other, the deal still withstood.
"I can still be your wingman."
I laughed, nudging him casually.
I honestly hated acting all cold, careless, and apathetic around him.
"Why would you? Far as I know, you think I'm just another one of your douchebags."
He coolly replied, and I was shocked-
How could I?
But then my thoughts were too short to realize that when I titled his friend with such an insult, it affected him too.
"I'm sorry, again, Jinyoung. You're definitely not a douche."
I mumbled, feeling my forgiveness waver.
*How many times do I have to apologize?*
I thought, chewing on my lower lip.
"For the sake of this project, I won't mention what happened between us. You don't have to be my wingman, and I don't have to pretend that you're not a fake, judgemental girl. Let's keep this real for the first time, hm?"
He suggested, alluding to my own faults.
Apparently no apologies could fix his misjudged impression of me.
Well what can I expect?
He doesn't know me.
The real me.
And that's my fault, since I never show it to anyone.
Maybe that's why I'm so willing to let him get closer to me.
So he'll see the real me, instead of the y one.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already a pathetic fake to his eyes.
"Before we actually start this project, I can ask you questions about it, right?"
I pecked on the subject once again.
I had time until we reached my home.
"Did you reply to my kattok to get information about Heejung?"
I asked.
He seemed hesitant.
"Yeah, but no."
"What the heck is that supposed to mean?"
I tilted my head in confusion.
"I did continue texting you to see what Heejung's like. You told me you knew her for 7 years like a sister. There must be some relevance between you two. But when I got to know you, you were pretty cool yourself."
He shrugged, a hidden smile tugging at his lips-
Now that's the Jinyoung I knew.
"Eh? So I'm not cool anymore?"
I feigned a hurt pout, and his cold expression came back.
"No."
He answered tersely.
"Did you already know I liked Sunwoo when you asked me about what happend with him and Heejung?"
I asked-
It was me who told him, but I wanted to know if he was already aware of my feelings.
"Kind of. I think Baro mentioned your name once or twice while bragging about himself."
Jinyoung chuckled.
Of course. Baro the Idiot.
That was when he stepped on all our feelings and made himself seem more grand than he actually was.
"Why did you start liking Heejung even though Sunwoo still liked her?"
I quickly asked again, the outline of my apartment building coming into view.
"She's.. She's pretty. She's funny. She's beautiful. She's very talented and shines in a way nobody else does to my eyes."
He simply answered, and I couldn't argue with him.
Heejung was a very beautiful girl with a slow, tolerant yet snappy personality.
"Question session's over by the way. No more asking."
Jinyoung quickly added once we were climbing up my apartment building stairs.
"Fine fine. Whatever."
I muttered as we stepped up towards my floor, and the only sound that accompanied our silence was the echoing of our steps.
When I reached my door, I beeped in the keycode and opened the door with ease.
It was really strange that I wasn't feeling self conscious or anything with Jinyoung inside my home, and he didn't seem very awkward about it.
"No parents?"
He asked.
I only shook my head.
"We have two hours. Where's your room?"
Jinyoung asked as we stepped inside, and he looked around for my personal "hideout".
"We can work on it in the living room-"
I suddenly chickened out of showing him my room.
"Seriously, where do you text boys from?"
He asked with a sardonic laugh, and walked in long strides to check every door.
Are you serious?!
"I told you I don't text boys!"
I protested, slowly approaching my room to protect it.
"Why'd you text me?"
He asked, a curious glint in his eye.
"I..I was bored"
I muttered, now standing in front of my room door, Jinyoung facing me closely.
"You wanted to just play with me too?"
He chuckled.
"At least I wasn't trying to get to know your best friend better."
I snapped back, the spice of the sentence leaving a bitter aftertaste in my mouth.
"You weren't? Thought you were head over heels for Baro."
He reasoned, leaning in closer, his hand reaching for the doorknob.
"WAS, Jinyoung. was."
I aruged back, trying to fight my weakness as he wrapped his hands over mine on the doorknob, pressing hard.
"Now I really wonder what you have in here. Do you hide your boyfriend in there or something?"
He jokingly made fun of my defensiveness, but I pushed on and fought against him as much as possible.
It was as if he was only teasing me when he gripped even harder, and I was forced to open my own door with my own hand as my knuckles turned ivory white from his strength.
"Ah-"
I whimpered as he let go, feeling the paused blood flow back into my white hand.
Jinyoung was now looking at my room as I occupied myself with nursing my hand-
I just witnessed another new side of Jinyoung.
He was stubborn and ruthless when it came to getting what he wanted.
I just didn't feel the true intensity when I knew he didn't care for his bestfriend when it came to a girl he liked, or chose to like.
I only realized it through his strength, my white knuckles being the direct victim.
He picked up the most precious item in my room, as if he could identify it with a heartbeat.
"What's this-? A lyric book?"
He asked, half in honesty, half in mischievous curiosity.
"Put.That.Back."
I enunciated each syllable.
That book was as precious as my heart.
He totally ignored my warning as he slid his palm over the surface, reading the simple pastel cover that read "Song Book"
"Jinyoung, please I'm begging you, put my journal back where you found it."
I pleaded, hating myself for becoming submissive in my own freaking room.
"Only if you call me Oppa."
He teased, sending me a wink that made me want to throw myself over the veranda while puking rainbows like nyan cat on jamaican mode.
"Over my dead body."
I sarcastically smiled sweetly, attempting a snatch attack to retrieve my treasure, but he was too quick.
"Eh- I'm being serious."
He blinked innocently, holding the object above his head.
Even on my tip-toes, I was barely above Jinyoung's forehead level.
I huffed, slowly climbing down from my artifically strained height.
"Fineoppa."
I spat out, trying my best not to be played by him again.
Back then, the endearment made me feel almost like I was his, but now the thought gave me chills of disgust.
"Don't you dare pretend like you didn't just hear that."
I snapped, grabbing the cherished book out of his hand.
I quickly turned around to stuff it in my wardrobe drawer.
"Sheesh- you're no fun."
He opened his arms in an arrest position, trying to prove his harmless intentions.
"I love that book more than anything in the world. So don't you even try-"
I turned back to face him when he cut me off.
"More than Baro?"
He teased again.
"Haha. Very funny. Such a douche."
I muttered, slamming the drawer shut.
"No need to curse, Ahnah. But really, admit it, you're bummed that Baro never liked you back."
He shrugged, plopping down on my wheely chair as he took his sling bag off his shoulder.
"That was two years ago. I think I'm over that by now."
I laughed, half in amusement, half in sarcasm.
I didn't know where all these cold, sardonic words were shooting out from, but I really couldn't stop them as Jinyoung pecked at my feelings as if they didn't matter at all.
"You do matter"
His text flashed across my mind.
Bull.
He was just full of bs.
"If you liked him, why didn't you confess? Do you just passively sit there and wait for him to notice you?"
He asked, laying his head down on the back of my wheely chair.
"I thought you said no questions!"
I argued, getting my school notebooks out to start.
"If you really liked him, you wouldn't have just sat there, waiting for something to happen."
He kept going on, making me feel more and more like a uselss potato.
"Okay! I didn't do anything! Boo I ! I get it!"
I groaned, slamming down my books on the floor.
"I would never let someone I like slip away like that."
He simply stated, but it was the most complicated saying I had dealt with.
"Well who cares about me? Hm?"
I carelessly said, sitting cross-legged on the floor, throwing out my pencil pouch from my bag.
"You don't even care for your own feelings?"
Jinyoung asked, a bit bothered as he sat down on the floor across me.
"You should at least matter to yourself. At least. Where's your pride? Dignity?"
Every word pinched my insides irritably.
"They flew out the window along with my feelings. Satisfied?"
I clenched my fists, containing all self-control within me.
Lashing out on him isn't worth it.
"No, I'm not satisfied. Are you?"
He asked, almost in a joking tone.
"I'm ing fine. Leave me alone and work on the project."
My patience started to burn like the end of a quick cigarrette.
He didn't even flinch with my toxic words, and he causally laid out his music composing utilities like nothing happened.
Then, he broke the silence in a much more calming tone.
"I can help you, you know."
He suggested.
"I don't need your help. Unless it's for this project, don't try to pry into my ish life."
I replied numbly, opening to my current progress music score page.
"It would be for the project if it made you actually want to participate in the teamwork."
He continued, skimming over my solo progress so far.
"I am participating. You're in my room, and I'm nice enough to invite you in, instead of kicking you out of a meter radius around me like I usually would. Teamwork."
I shrugged, pulling out my guitar from under the bed.
Jinyoung gently took the guitar from me, and I obediently handed the instrument to him.
"How long has it been?"
He spoke in a sigh-like whisper, and I thought he was questioning himself of how long he hasn't played the guitar.
"I'm asking you, Ahnah."
He chuckled, waking me from my trance of staring at his slender fingers as they slid over the strings so casually.
"How long what?"
I was clueless.
"Since your last boyfriend. How long has it been?"
He asked again, eyes focused on the strings as he plucked out pretty chords.
I hesitated.
Should I tell him..?
"I never had one."
I spoke coolly-
I was so used to saying it.
He stared at me like I was some kind of a strange unicorn that landed on the wrong planet.
"Seriously?"
He asked, doubt tracing behind his tone.
"Yeah. Really. Jinshim*. (Truth/ Honestly)"
I answered simply.
Was that hard to believe?
"You never struck me as the first-timer kind of a girl."
He chuckled.
"What did you pin me down as, then?"
I really wanted to hear this.
"The girl that messes around with a boy's feelings, or just friendzones him based on looks."
He replied back with a grin.
"Mwoh?* (What?) Wae?** (Why?)"
I was now fully alert, knowing that he judged me as a play-thing manipulator.
"First timers don't text guys first, and they don't send winky faces on the first day."
He explained.
"Gosh you're more of a girl than I am."
I was fascinated by his sensitive deductions.
"What else?"
I asked.
"I thought you'd be more talkative in public like how you text, but it's actually the opposite."
He stated, answering things about me that I was blind to.
"Like I said, I can help you."
He offered again.
"Jinyoung, I'm not the kind of a fake, dependent girl that looks for a boyfriend all the time. I don't need you to set me up for anything."
I declined his pushy offers, which he seemed more than glad to do.
"Then what are you?"
He asked, his voice serious.
"Someone who hates being taken advantage of, and pities herself in her room like a sad little kid."
I answered, knowing that the description fit me quite well.
"You like feeling sorry for yourself?"
He looked puzzled.
"What if I do?"
I threw the question out there, not caring if he judged me wrong again.
"Nobody feels anything for me so might as well pity myself."
I muttered.
"You need help. Didn't you eventually realize that feeling sorry for yourself doesn't do anything for you?"
He coldly snickered.
"It's same either way. It's just what I think. How does that bother you that much?"
I started to guard that wall surrounding my heart again.
"I can't have a depressed, mopey team partner."
He poked at my shoulder, and I scowled.
"I need to get you a boyfriend."
He grinned.
"No, we need to work on this to turn it in next Friday."
I growled, hating the feeling of being shoved around.
"I have my song, you have yours. We only need to work on one, and I need to save you from this petty pity party."
He stated firmly, slapping his pencil down to seal the deal.
"Jinyoung. I don't want it. I could care less that I look like a pathetic piece of trash to you."
I groaned, burying my face in my hands.
"You need to stop feeling good about bashing on yourself. That's what makes you seem so stupid."
Jinyoung's frustrated tone oozed of fake care.
I hated it.
Why would he do something he obviously didn't want to do, and why should I care what he did?
As long as it doesn't affect me, I'll keep on pretending like what he's doing to me doesn't affect me at all.
I'll keep on pretending like I moved on that easily.
"Okay, try this chord."
He was already working on our collaboration piece by the time I gave up on worrying about myself.
"I said, try it."
He looked up at me now, motioning me to sing as he strummed the chord again.
I compliantly sung the notes, pitch by pitch, harmonizing with his sweet voice.
It was the first time I actually hear him sing, and to me, the sound blended with my inner thoughts and rung like a secret harmony, so beautiful yet never allowed to be heard by other ears.
One voice melted into another, and I hid a smile at how beautiful it sounded.
As if Jinyoung noticed too, he glances at me time to time, jotting down more notes after I sung the ones he already wrote down.
I looked at his concentrating face, silently sighing as his inspired expression remided me of when he told me about his feelings for Heejung.
I'll keep on pretending that our voices don't sound perfect with one another's.
I'll keep pretending that my feelings do matter, just so that Jinyoung could see me as something else rather than a faker.
If he couldn't accept me as the colorless, boring person I actually was inside, I'll show him a colorful outlook just so that he could stop pretending to care for me.
I didn't want his pity.
It wasn't pity I wanted from him.
I wanted something that I could never, ever have.
Not from Sunwoo, not from his "arrangements", but only from him.
I just wanted him to know me.
As me.
But apparently, that was too much to ask from anybody.
"That was good. I can work with that."
He smiled, quickly moving on to trying out more complimentary chords.
"Thanks."
I shortly replied, but softly hid a gratified smile from his compliment.
"I saw some of your self-compsed works before you took your journal from me, you know. You're not that bad in composing melodies."
Jinyoung continued, and I felt myself become self conscious.
How did he even get a look at those?
"Do you want something in particular? You can just ask for it, instead of trying to flatter me."
I laughed jokingly, writing a complimentary divisi line to his melody rough draft.
The tune he jotted down was turning into a legitimate song.
"Now that you bring it up, can we trade?"
Jinyoung asked, his eyes twinkling like a child's, as if he's asking for candy.
"T..trade what?"
I admit I was getting slightly creeped out.
"Journals. Song journals."
He stated, pulling his personal one out from his sling bag.
I glanced at my wardrobe drawer I had shoved it in.
"No."
I flatly answered.
"Why? I'll let you keep mine for the week!"
He added, almost pleading.
"Um... Why do you want it so bad?"
I questioned, trying to overlook his pet-fox eyes.
The desert fox is my favorite animal, and his expression matched its profile perfectly.
I tried not to give in.
"I feel like I'll get to know where all your cynical views come from once I read your journal. It's like a diary, in a way."
His shoulders slouched, just like how a fox's ears limply fall down in defeat.
"Thought I could use it to.. Help you."
He added.
"In that case.... Heck no. I said I don't need a boyfriend."
I sighed-
He is one stubborn fox.
"And even if you try to look like an adorable desert fox, I won't give in."
I blurted before I could stop myself.
"Mwoh? ...Did you just say a desert fox? Me?"
He questioned, distracted from his plans to "help" me by my sudden outburst.
"Well, admit it. You so look like a fox."
I laughed, the relevance standing out more clearly as I said it out loud.
"I'll let you call me a fox and pick on me, along with letting you keep my journal if you trade in yours for the week. I'll give it back when we turn in this project."
He offered again, adding on to the deal.
I could hear myself already calling him "Fox" or "JinYuhwoo*" (Yuhwoo- Fox).
"Either that or you call me Oppa so you can keep your journal. You never know when I might steal it."
He smiled mischievously, and I flinched at the not-so-promising endearment.
"Fine, Foxy."
I chortled and retrieved my own journal from the drawer, tossing it to him as he tossed his.
"Anything to let you let me pick on you."
I smiled in a jocular manner, flipping through his neat pages.
Like mine, his were filled with scattered chord patterns and bits of inspiring lyrics.
Then, a special page caught by attention.
"What's this?"
I mumbled, gently flipping each page.
"..Bling.. Girl?"
I read the title, following each measure with extreme caution.
If I'm not wrong, this song is made for-
"Heejung. It's for Heejung, or at least I was inspired to write it because of her."
Jinyoung explained.
"Oh 너에게 말을 걸어볼래
너무 떨리고 부끄럽지만
많이 어색하지만
언제나 너를 지켜봤지만
오늘 너는 정말 예뻐
Oh baby"
("Oh~ I want to try to talk to you
I'm nervous and trembling
It's so awkward
I always watched over you
But today you're just so pretty
Oh baby~" + Trans used from Managing Y&M ^^ ahh feelz~)
I read, holding a mommy-like smile.
He sounded like a little elementary schooler who didn't know how to confess.
I also had him pinned down as a player, especially since he asked me how many boys I dated with casual ease.
"Awwww this is actually cute!"
I cooed, teasing Jinyoung's cold persona.
"I'm letting you read it for a week. At least don't laugh at it."
He sulked, strumming a new chord.
"Woah that sounds good."
He lit up, writing the notes with a pleased look.
"Okay. Whatever. I gotta run soon."
I brushed my legs as I started to stand up, reminded about my part-time job shift.
"I'll walk you there."
He started to stand up too, packing up.
"It's... It's okay."
I shrugged, pulling out my work clothes to change from my school uniform.
"It's getting late, on a Friday, and you're practically walking into a raging sea of male hormones."
He explained, his expression serious.
"Oh. Wow. Um. Speaking of hormones, stay out here while I change in my bathroom."
I spoke, and shut the bathroom door.
{ Author's Note }
Long Chappie for the long wait ^u^
I hope you are satisfied. hehe
School is cancelled for 3 days straight due to a snowstorm.
I live in the South, so there are rarely any snow days here.
But WOOOHOOO
It's so pretty outside c:
I legit wrapped myself up in two blankets with a hot coco, and listened to K-pop for 3 hours in the cold, just because I couldn't stay away from the snow.
I've been trying to hone my senses back into writing, and B1A4's new album and B.A.P's upcoming comeback has given me so much motivation.
I luhhhhhve you all my Subbunnies! <3
하트뿅~ kekeke
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