다음
Always Not Me
*Kattok!*
My blurry vision focused on the wall clock in my room.
7:14 AM.
Who would kakaotalk me this early?
I blindely reached for my phone, swiping across the screen with a semi-consciousness.
7:14am
Jinyoung : Good morning! ^^ you better wake up sleepyhead~ school starts in thirty minutes!
A smile interrupted my incoming morning yawn.
A morning text, huh?
By then, I was awake, and I nervously took more time attending to the fallen strands of my hair and each wrinkle of my clothes.
I couldn't help feeling like this was too good to be true.
Although I was friendly and warm to the people around me, when they got too close, I tend to push them away to a comfortable distance like a selfish brat. Then, the other person leaves, getting tired of trying to push me.
The only person that actually stayed was Jaehee, who just naturally stood in the same zone as me, yet I didn't feel scared or judged.
And now it might be Jinyoung.
"I'm off Umma!"
I trotted down the stairs with more enthusiasm than usual, and I could barely hear Umma yelling, "But your breakfast!"
I quickly made a 180 u-turn and slid to the kitchen, grabbing two of the breakfast sandwiches.
"Thanks Umma."
I gave her a small salute with my free hand.
I stepped out the door, down the flights of apartment stairs, and trotted down the stairs of our main apartment complex doorway while watching where I walked, carefully holding the sandwich in my mouth.
When I came down to the asphalt and faced forward, I was faced with a chest.
My eyes widened but I didn't drop my sandwiches.
"I'm running late because of you, babo-yah."
Jinyoung chuckled.
My eyes tore itself from its freeze position and flicked up towards his face.
How can someone look that charming in freaking 7:30 in the morning?!
And what is he doing here right now?! We go to different schools!
And this is my first time seeing him not for academy purposes!!!
I took the sandwich in my free hand and lifted it to his mouth, half acting out of panic and half in self-consciousness.
"Sandwich?" I asked.
He playfully took it from my hands, and mumbled in mid-chew, "We should get going- woah this sandwich is so good."
I laughed at his sandwich-loving face and walked on, realizing that time is slipping.
It's a 14-ish minute walk to school, and school started in 15.
I knew how to make that 10.
"Jinyoung sunbae-nim. I need you to listen to me very carefully for a moment."
I took a deep breath, pointing to the route towards my school, and the bus he takes for his own.
We can both make it in time.
"I take the back route usually, since it's faster. We split in the middle where the big oak tree is, and that takes you to the main road where the bus stop is. I need you to run."
I didn't want to get him in trouble.
"Why would I do that? And don't call me sunabe. It's gotta be Oppa at least."
He stated, blinking towards the path I pointed.
I held back a laugh.
"If you win, I'll call you Oppa. Race you!"
So we sprinted together, half choking on breath and half laughing.
Running saved a surprising amount of time, and spent an immense amount of energy.
I knew I was at a disadvantage due to his long legs and well.. Him being a guy.
Jinyoung reached the tree first, and I panted like a tired noodle behind him.
"Alright. Lemme hear it."
He laughed, catching his breath.
I threw him an annoyed scowl, but it broke into a smile.
"Fine. Jinyoung Oppa."
I mumbled.
"Can't hear you- sorry- what?"
He leaned in closer, scrunching his face.
"Oppa. I get it. Okay? Just because you're my sunbae by a grade higher than me doesn't mean it changes the world."
I pouted, and Jinyoung grinned.
He brushed his hand on the top of my head.
"Was that so hard to say?"
Jinyoung smiled.
Seeing that lovely smile, the way the morning sunlight hit his angelic look, I couldn't help feel the dead words of 'stomach butterflies' come alive and flutter around.
My heart tripped, and skipped a necessary beat as I gasped inwardly.
I tried my best to fake a scowl, but it only came out as a pokerface- my default defense for these situations.
Jinyoung didn't notice anything and leaned back, eyeing the split pathways.
"This is where we part, hm? See you after, dongsaeng-nim. I'm already late."
He smiled, and sprinted the other way.
I waited a moment or two to adjust.
I've kept many opposite-gender friendships and never had such skirmishes with my inside emtions.
But it felt as if my brain and mind were declaring war on each other.
Forget it Ahnah.
You're late.
I half-mindedly jogged to school, and was counted barely tardy.
Classes suddenly seemed to slow down, and the clock couldn't take any longer to reach dismissal.
I was staring blankly at my page full notes, letting my subconsciousness absorb the data while every single fiber of my consciousness decided to wrap around that one moment in time with Jinyoung.
.. Jinyoung oppa huh?
I whispered the endearment.
It suit him well.
"Did you say something?"
Jaehee surprisingly woke up from her usual last-class sleep, mumbling me a question.
"Ah- nothing."
I laughed, clearing my throat to clear my thoughts as well.
"Yeah whatever."
Jaehee's head rolled back.
"Lee Jaehee! What's the answer to this question?"
Our ssem called out, catching everyone's attention.
"Pi times radius squared. Don't ask me easy questions, ssem."
Jaehee mumbled in her sleep.
Everyone blinked.
This was Biology. What the hell was she talking about?
The teacher only clucked his tongue in disapproval and moved on, giving Jaehee a big fat 0.
Hey- what could I do?
She deserves one for always rubbing in my face her beautiful report card, and how her grades are better than mine.
*ding dong daeng dong*
The dismissal bell rung.
"Aish! What is this?"
Jaehee groaned, blowing huffs of air on the sticky note on her forehead.
"I guess I'll have to see you tomorrow."
I hummed, taking off the sticky note and putting it in Jaehee's vision.
"Detention?!!? Seriously?!"
Jaehee grumbled.
It was her 3rd one of the month.
Yay.
"Why don't you ever get caught like you used to?"
Jaehee pouted.
"I learned to be careful from you, returd. And don't make that face again. It's one ugly pout."
I laughed, and skipped out of the classroom.
Jaehee can't skip.
It was a true 'HAHA take that er' moment.
I looked for Heejung, but she was nowhere to be seen, so I assumed that she left without me today.
I don't blame her-
She has a reputation for being tardy, and her new year's resolution was to actually be on time for once.
So I took the bus alone, listening to G-Dragon's 'Butterfly'.
{ A/N : In 2009, I couldn't sleep without listening to that song :) }
"You said bigger the dream, higher you soar. So I'm taking that advice. G-Dragon better watch out."
Jinyoung's words crossed my mind, and a small smile laced along my lips.
Something.. Something about the way he talks made something in me change.
I was confused as to which I liked more-
Him or the new me.
The bus screeched to a stop, and I gently stepped off, footsteps light as I entered the building.
There was time until class started, so I decided to check up on Heejung first.
And my smile was immediately effaced by the scene.
Heejung was giddily laughing in her seat as Jinyoung joked around, sitting so casually on her desk.
My heart constricted for some reason.
Without a word, I went to my own empty classroom and took my seat, plugging in my earphones silently.
What am I doing?
There was nothing wrong, and I'm definitely overreacting.
But after what happened, I couldn't bring myself to that situation again.
It was never Heejung's fault, and it was always mine, yet I never did anything wrong to deserve what I did.
Liking him was a mistake.
Liking Jinyoung will too, be a mistake.
Jinyoung's pleased smile and Heejung's giggled echoed in my ears, the blaring music in earphones rendering useless against my storm of mixed emotions.
What the is wrong with me.
My classmates started to fill in the classroom, and they glanced at my direction with a weird look in their eyes.
I blankly ignored it-
It didn't matter anyways.
Someone tapped me on my shoulder.
It was Hanbi, a classmate.
My old bestfriend.
It still hurt me to see her.
"Can you lower the volume? We can all hear from your earphones."
She smiled apologetically.
I didn't even notice the volume was on max.
"Oh yeah.. Sorry."
brushing off Hanbi's encounter, I dared to glance at Jinyoung's seat, where Jinyoung was staring at me with a glaze of worry in his facial expression.
*It doesn't matter.*
I thought, quickly moving my gaze elsewhere.
Better to kill the root while you still can, instead of letting it bloom only for it to wither away from the open wounds and scars.
The whole reason behind my happiness dimmed in brightness, and it was the same in this class too.
Nothing to be anticipated for.
Same old, same old.
I could feel Jinyoung's heavy stares as they landed on me, but I made myself clear to avoid him before I could develop any feelings for him.
Heejung really deserved him.
I could see that she liked him, and he'd be intersted in her soon.
I'd gladly move all the things that happened between me and Jinyoung for Heejung. She matters that much to me.
Class was over, and I mindlessly asked ssem if I could stay longer.
She immediately approved, knowing of my long-practiced habit of staying in the building, practicing even when everyone left.
I started to pack, and Heejung came in my class since I didn't go to hers.
She said she was going home, and I gave her a smile.
I watched Jinyoung hurriedly pack his things to catch up with her, not giving me a second glance.
Of course.
It was de ja vu all over again.
I trudged into an isolated practice room, and laid my fingers delicately on the keyboard.
Although it was an acting academy, we provided other musical classes as well due to the growing diversity and expectations of actors and celebrities.
I laid my lyrics notebook beside me, and started to play random chords.
Whatever that took my mind off and let me forget.
Whatever.
"Hey Ahnah, have you seen Jinyoung?"
A familiar voice entered, interrupting my personal moment.
It was Baro, or as I still called him, Sunwoo.
Funny how this works.
Even before I could answer, Sunwoo caught my confused expression.
"He's a sunbae I knew for a long time, and he kinda transferred here to learn with me. So yeH, I'm looking for the new transfer student if you don't know him."
He gave me a polite smile.
*like I don't know him*
I sardonically scoffed inwards.
"Oh.. That's cool. Um I think he went with-"
I stopped myself.
What am I doing?!
"With..?"
Sunwoo looked confused.
"I um..meant he probably went home already."
I plastered a fake smile.
I was pretty sure Sunwoo knew I was faking a smile.
I've known him for 6 years, but that still doesn't mean he knew me as long.
"Okay. Thanks. I hope you feel better."
Sunwoo stated as he stepped out.
"Feel better?"
I asked before he left.
"You don't look like yourself."
He shrugged, and left.
How would he even know what I actually looked like?
He doesn't know me like that.
I started guarding myself with judgements and fake assumptions.
I got back on writing complementary chords with my lyrics, knowing that the deadline for this project was coming up, and it's going to make me spend overtime to balance this out-of-school class along with my school work.
Partners were out of question, since everyone was practically taken, and Jinyoung was now on my 'To-Forget' list.
Hours and hours passed while I drenched myself in thoughts.
A knock interrupted me again.
I looked up at the glass door, eyes widening at the intruder.
Jinyoung?
I thought he went with Heejung.
He gestured to me, asking if he could enter.
I nodded dryly.
"I thought you would have gone already."
He placed his hands inside his pockets casually, asking me the question that had been on my mind the moment I saw him outside this room door.
I just shrugged.
*Did you finally remember you said you'd take me home after walking Heejung?*
I wanted to shoot back.
But I couldn't.
He didn't do anything wrong.
It was just me being the selfish again.
"Are you okay?"
Jinyoung asked.
I stared at the keyboard.
"Wait, let me rephrase that. You're not okay."
He sighed.
*What does it matter to you?*
I asked inside my mind, only replying with a glance towards him.
"Sunwoo was looking for you."
I blandly stated, pretending to be absorbed in my lyircs notebook.
"Yeah I talked to him. You call him Sunwoo? No one calls him that anymore."
He seemed surprised.
I shrugged again.
"Enough with the shrugging, Ahnah. I think I know why you're like this."
Jinyoung sighed, walking closer to me.
*oh did you figure out I have feelings for you already?*
I wanted to blurt.
I kept my lips shut.
"But before that, I'll be honest with you first. I have a major problem."
Jinyoung confessed.
My heart jumped at the sound of the sentence-
Could he?
No.
He couldn't possibly like me-
"I've developed this major crush on.. Heejung."
He sighed.
My swelling heart immediately dropped to the pit of my stomach, shattering everything.
I kept a straight face.
Not like this hasn't happened to me before.
{ A/N : Like I said, this is from personal experience. Yeah it hurts like hell, but I was never the one to expect any more than what I got whe it came to relationships, whether it may be friendships or more than that. Yeah call me selfish, and it definitely could have been worse. But somehow, all my crushes seem to like someone selse, especially people around me. Hence, the title - Always Not Me. }
"I..I'm happy for you!"
I tried to sound enthusiastic.
But I haven't talked to him the whole academy classroom, or afterwards, and for me to suddenly burst like this, it did seem pretty weird.
"Really?"
He asked, doubt crossing his face.
"Yeah. Like I told you, she's like my little sister. I know you'll take good care of her."
I wanted to end this quickly.
"Well.. Promise not to tell anyone."
Jinyoung bit his lip.
I found myself nodding.
"I only came to this academy because when I came to pick up Baro one day, I saw Heejung. I immediately liked her since then. I know Baro and she had some kind of chemistry back then, so I haven't even told Baro, because I know he still likes her. I feel like a bad friend."
Jinyoung ranted.
No-
Don't tell me about her-
I wanted to go deaf.
Yet I couldn't help but feel like if I sat and listened, he'll maybe look at me once in a different light.
So I listened.
"Look- I don't know what happened between them, and I don't want to hit any sensitive spots and come off as a bad guy in the first go. Could you possibly fill me in? Or is that asking too much?"
He asked timidly.
Even though my insides were pretty much blended, screwed, burnt, and seething in poision that slowly killed me, I smiled.
First time anyone asked me about what happened.
"Um.. Yeah.. It happened around a year ago. I'm not really a reliable source, since nobody told me anything, and I couldn't ask Heejung about it. I don't know if what happened was true, but all I know is that Baro liked Heejung, and he asked if she would ever go out with him. She said yes, and the day after that, he went out with Hanbi to make Heejung want him more out of jealousy. Well, many of our friends here like Baro, and to admit the truth, I had a huge crush on him too.
I never told this to anyone, but that move just hurt me a lot. I know it wasn't my place to be all hurt, since I didn't even matter at all in the situation, but Baro was being a douchebag. Hanbi was my best friend, and I forgave her for her actions , which still seperates us, Heejung now hates him, and I have no feelings like that for Baro."
I confessed for the first time, having my side of the story pent-up in my heart for the longest time.
"Woah. Thanks for that info. I had no clue."
Jinyoung laughed in astonishment.
"And.. You do matter."
He smiled.
Again, I felt my stomach flutter.
But it only went so far-
He likes Heejung.
Heejung deserves him more than I do.
She always did.
So I slowly started to pack, wanting to get out of this suddenly suffocating room.
"Thanks. I should be going."
I softly spoke, hoping he didn't catch my sad tone.
Too enthralled by the new information on Heejung, he didn't notice a single thing.
I stepped around him and left the room, only to have him follow me.
"Woah where are you going? It's dark outside."
He caught up, but I kept walking.
"I can manage."
I replied both literally and metaphorically.
*I always had been able to*
"Are you sure?"
He tried again, not wanting to push me after the confession.
"I'm fine."
I whispered, and whizzed by.
I didn't hear him catching up to me or following me afterwards.
Good.
I took the back road-
The same road I took when I found out Hanbi and Baro dated.
That was already a year ago-
My footsteps skidded across the familiar area-
A small resting place with two wooden benches.
I remember I cried so much when I was aware of the news.
But now-
It was as if I was used to it.
It didn't bother me as much, but I could feel my heart whimpering.
*it's okay.*
I silently told myself.
*it doesn't affect me*
I chanted.
In the back of my mind, I desperately wanted Jinyoung to hold me back.
Catch up to me.
Tell me that he was just testing if my feelings for Baro were gone.
But it's all just a fantasy.
A surreal dream.
When I came back into my senses, I was already sitting on the wooden bench.
These were the times I really wanted a shoulder to cry on to.
Jaehee wouldn't bother coming out outside at this time, and I didn't want to bother her.
I have no one.
"Ahnah?"
A voice called out to me.
I looked up to see the least person I expected, even less than Jinyoung.
It was Baro.
He was in his casual clothes, holding two grocery bags.
I looked away, hoping he'll just believe he mistook me as someone else and went away.
"Hey Ahnah."
He called out again.
"I'm not stupid you know."
He chuckled, taking a seat next to me.
"Just go away like you do all the time."
I spoke my thoughts out loud.
Nothing to really hide, is there?
He knew I had a crush on him, and he has always acted very smug about it.
I knew he still was feeling better about himself because of that.
He never recognized me or saw me as more than Hanbi's best friend or Heejung's close unnie.
"Are you crying?"
He set the bags on the floor and reached out for me, and I limply sat there while he turned me around.
Yes, I, Baek Ahnah was crying.
Out of all the people I've never cried in front of, Baro, my hugest ex-crush had to see the ugliness.
"Wh..what happened?"
He asked, panicking.
He would have picked on her usually-
But seeing the pokerface Ahnah cry, it was as if he'd seen her without her usual mask.
"Nothing. ing. Happened."
I stood up, hating the fact that he'a seen the real me.
The ugly, useless, dishonest me.
"Don't act like you care, Sunwoo-yah. You don't."
I snapped, and sprinted towards home.
I don't want pity.
I was giving plenty of pity all myself already.
I held my duffle bag tightly and silently walked home, not wanting to see anyone else.
I stopped outside my apartment complex to fix myself, letting myself sniffle a bit.
*whatever*
I thought, trying to make the tears stop.
If anyone saw me right now, it would have looked like I got dumped.
Which is what indirectly happened.
When I punched in the keycode of the door and went in, I was glad that no one was home.
Mom and Dad were probably at work.
I locked myself up in my room and took a long, hot shower, hoping all of my disheveled emotions would go down the drain along with my shampoo.
After mindlessly drying and slipping into pajamas, I crawled into my bed and forced myself to sleep, like a robot.
Back to my old self.
I'll have to build up my broken wall again.
Make sure no one can hurt me.
Make sure I keep feeling sorry for myself to realize that nobody possibly could care that much about me in the first place.
Like I said, too good to be true.
Just like before.
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